Page 2 | AIBU to think our 22 yo son is being slightly mad turning down a free London flat?

BeNeatCat · 2026-09-08T07:58:43+00:00

DS is 22 and has finally got his first proper job in London and we are absolutely thrilled for him. He graduated from the University of Edinburgh with a first in Economics last year and came home afterwards. We live in a village and while looking for work he worked at the local farm shop and tutored A-level students. We didn't charge him rent. He helps around the house and it's actually been really lovely having him home. He says he genuinely missed the village when he was at university the peace and quiet, being able to get back into reading and cycling, and having time with our four dogs. He's also managed to save about £16k since graduating so it's not as though he's been sitting around spending everything he earns. He's actually been very sensible financially. He's now got a London job on £38k which we're very chuffed about. That’s a very good wage for a 22 year old newly grad. DH and I have a two bedroom flat in Borough of Hammersmith and Fulham. We’ve been renting for a while and the tenants have since bought a house now so they’ve moved out. We have had it on short term let as it’s been summer time so lots of tourists have been eager, it’s had a new group of people every other week or so since May it’s been quite hard for us to keep up with to be honest as this was our first time doing short term let’s seems as though the market in London is good. We've offered the flat to our son him and a friend completely rent-free. They would only have to pay the bills. And he's said no.Because he wants to live with THREE of his mates. They’re currently searching and have been going to views for a 4 bed. I have told him he's being ridiculous. He is 22, starting his first job on £38k, and we've basically handed him free accommodation in London. He could live there, pay the bills, continue saving and potentially build up a very decent pot of money over the next few years.Instead, he wants to rent a house with four friends because he wants the experience of living with them. I get it. I lived with 5 other girls (friends I made at uni) in London after university and throughly enjoy it they’re still my closest friends. And this is where I am conflicted because, if I'm being completely honest, I do understand it but also the economy is different to when I was 22 He's had a very nice year at home. He's saved £16k, had a peaceful year in the village, read, cycled, spent time with the dogs and generally enjoyed being at home. He isn't desperate to leave because he hates being here. He said he was slightly sad (albeit happy) about getting the job because he’s enjoyed being in a village his mind could finally think (his words) He does want to go and have the experience of being 22 and living in London with his mates. DH thinks we should leave him to it. He's an adult, he's earning a decent salary, he's saved a good amount already and he's allowed to prioritise having fun and living with his friends over maximising his savings. And I know he's right. But I can't help thinking that a free two-bedroom flat in Hammersmith and Fulham that is fully paid for and his parents own is the sort of offer you don't turn down lightly at 22! At the same time, perhaps I'm looking at it entirely through the lens of being his parent. I'm thinking about deposits, investments and financial security. He's thinking about having his four best friends round for dinner, going to the pub after work and coming home to a house full of people his own age. He's not asking us to subsidise a lavish lifestyle either. He has £16k saved, a £38k salary and presumably will be perfectly capable of paying his own rent. He just doesn't want the financially optimal option. And perhaps that's the point. He can afford to make the choice he actually wants. So AIBU to think he's mad?Would you take the free London flat and save like mad for the next few years or would you pay rent to live with four of your best friends at 22 because you only get to be 22 once? I'm increasingly wondering whether I'm confusing “financially sensible” with “the right choice for him”. Maybe I am being unreasoned he’s 22, has a girlfriend who is soon moving to London too and wants to experience London to its full potential, get pissed with his friends and have fun I can’t fault him maybe I am being unreasonable.

Original poster

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 20:21

ClaudiasTrampoline · 08/09/2026 19:14

If she has no intentions of actually taking a job, why is she taking a med school place. There are plenty other DC who would love the privilege of that place and would aim to actually work in the NHS in the country that subsidised their education.

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In the Netherlands it’s mainly taught in Dutch her dutch isn’t as good she requires C1 level for the uni we considered. A few universities have phased out the English track last we checked. She would need to meet the language requirements as she would be required to be able to communicate well with patients in the Netherlands.

We did look into this. Yes she could have taken a gap year to work on it etc sorry she’s taking a place over someone else who deserves it more. She’s excited and looking forward to it that’s all that matters she got the grades, met the requirements, was selected after interview. If the universities had a policy in terms of having dual citizenship we’d have followed it but they do not or that you have to be a doctor in the country throughout your whole career pursue a medicine degree.

OP posts:

Catza · 08/09/2026 20:18

Failingtofindaname · 08/09/2026 18:09

Haven't read through thread, but my twopennyworth ---
As there's four of them, get him and one other to live in your place whilst the other two rent a very nearby flat. Then they can all hang out whenever. They can divide the rent due between the four so they're all on half rent thereby leaving lots of cash to experience London life. 😉🤗Agree a minimum rental period. Then he won't worry about being different to the others. Oh, and keep very quiet about anything to do with the flat when he's in it unless it really is something a landlord would bother about.
Unless Hammersmith and Fulham is a 22 year olds nightmare?😁 I don't know London areas so this might be it🤔

Yeah, no young person wants to hang out in Hammersmith. They want to hang out in Dalston, Brixton, Shoreditch, Clapham, Kentish town and such. Hammersmith is basically an equivalent of a retirement home for youngsters.

ClaudiasTrampoline · 08/09/2026 19:54

Dorothyperky · 08/09/2026 19:34

@ClaudiasTrampoline I would search for the threads on UK jobs for new medics. It is a farce. The applications close early and UK trained doctors are not prioritised, if you're on shift and miss the early closing it is often to people in different time zones.
I was shocked
My DD is a trainee clinician but in a much in demand field. Hopefully there will be a job for her.

I have two DC in med school. I know the drill and I know that many end up having to go abroad for jobs and training places after F2. That is a different thing from applying and taking a place with no intention of working in the UK. If the Netherlands is the end game why not let that country pay the c£200k subsidy to help her qualify?

Dorothyperky · 08/09/2026 19:34

@ClaudiasTrampoline I would search for the threads on UK jobs for new medics. It is a farce. The applications close early and UK trained doctors are not prioritised, if you're on shift and miss the early closing it is often to people in different time zones.
I was shocked
My DD is a trainee clinician but in a much in demand field. Hopefully there will be a job for her.

ClaudiasTrampoline · 08/09/2026 19:14

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 12:24

We will have to see she hasn’t even moved into her first year accommodation yet. Her situation is quite different she doesn’t choose where she lives when she first graduates I’d she’d like a job that is. With the state of the nhs at the minute she also plans to not live in the uk long term would love to leave almost instantly after graduating as she has dual citizenship and junior doctors have been chances in other countries.

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If she has no intentions of actually taking a job, why is she taking a med school place. There are plenty other DC who would love the privilege of that place and would aim to actually work in the NHS in the country that subsidised their education.

venus7 · 08/09/2026 18:25

Campervanadventures · 08/09/2026 14:58

???? All of the info you wonder about is there if you care to read it 🤷

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I did read it, thank you. I was joking, as op mentioned these things many, many times.

Original poster

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 18:20

Bjorkdidit · 08/09/2026 18:09

I'm now wondering if you're the woman I went to see do a talk with some friends who's PhD was something similar to poetry about witches. Some of what she said was interesting but as a scientist who knows people with PhDs in advancing cancer cures or repackaging historical nuclear waste, my God it was a load of nonsense.

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I would love to look into that sounds cool to me despite it not me. I haven’t done any talks in regard to my PhD since my 20s I’m now 52 What’s her name if you remember? I like nonsense I did mine on nonsense it offered no value to anyone but it made me happy and that’s all that mattered to me in my 20s. I did not take anything seriously undergrad I spent my time playing hockey and going out postgraduate was just another reason for me to play hockey still playing from time to time even now.

OP posts:

Original poster

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 18:14

Redpaisley · 08/09/2026 17:36

Just because we read the room wrong, no had died.

Same can be said about his decision to rent with his friends in London. But here you are shocked.

I am not denying you don’t have a good relationship with him. But when you keep justifying your point of view over and over, the other side gets either frustrated or influenced.

You don’t want your son to have a resentment that he was not allowed the same freedom you had in your uni days to decide how he wanted to live. All parents make mistakes. But ours is a more aware generation than our parents.

You are allowed to be not a perfect parent but your son is also not a perfect person or a perfect economist just because he has studied that subject. He should also be allowed that freedom to not evaluate every aspect of his life so perfectly especially when he is lucky to have a safety net in case he struggles.

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Maybe I’m not as aware as previous generations all I ever want is the very best for my children that’s all like every parent in the world. We all want our children to have it better than we did. Maybe it’s a failure in how we’ve chose to go about being parenting our children but time only will tell and we are just excited to see them continue to evolve into adulthood. All I hope for is a good relationship with my children well into adulthood and even after I am gone I hope they look back and know that we love them so much nothing else matters to us but their happiness.

OP posts:

Bjorkdidit · 08/09/2026 18:09

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 12:49

More insulting to me and my colleague who did theirs on comedy insults himself too regarding this. I was in my 20s it was a good opportunity and I took it. It’s not everyday you get the chance to do that and research sometime niche.

I’m not saying everyone that has a PhD isn’t academic. I am saying I AM NOT an academic my research was certainly not academic most people would laugh at mine and most have it’s always a topic of conversation I’ve even had people say “they let you do that” I am not a scientist or anything even close to that. Aren’t the tories or reform (can’t keep up whoever) now saying some degrees are Mickey Mouse, my undergraduate degree has since been listed in that category I am not bothered I’m in my 50s it doesn’t matter to me anymore I am not savings lives and I did not research anything of any importance or of value to majority of people. This is me speaking about my own work not tarnishing PhDs as a whole.

Edited

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I'm now wondering if you're the woman I went to see do a talk with some friends who's PhD was something similar to poetry about witches. Some of what she said was interesting but as a scientist who knows people with PhDs in advancing cancer cures or repackaging historical nuclear waste, my God it was a load of nonsense.

Failingtofindaname · 08/09/2026 18:09

Haven't read through thread, but my twopennyworth ---
As there's four of them, get him and one other to live in your place whilst the other two rent a very nearby flat. Then they can all hang out whenever. They can divide the rent due between the four so they're all on half rent thereby leaving lots of cash to experience London life. 😉🤗Agree a minimum rental period. Then he won't worry about being different to the others. Oh, and keep very quiet about anything to do with the flat when he's in it unless it really is something a landlord would bother about.
Unless Hammersmith and Fulham is a 22 year olds nightmare?😁 I don't know London areas so this might be it🤔

Redpaisley · 08/09/2026 17:36

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 16:34

You don’t necessarily know how I speak to my sons. We have a very good relationship. Just because we read the room wrong, no had died. We thought because he kept mentioning about how much his friends pay for rent in London compared to the starting salaries he’d have liked the flat. For that we were wrong parents can get it wrong sometimes at least we do.

We aren’t the perfect parents all we do is try we’ve made many mistakes in the 22 years things always work out in the end and I will always be happy for our children whatever path the choose in life. It is very tough for young people very different to my experience growing up I would have crumbled at all these multi stage interview. My first “proper job” no technical task no test or anything. We are proud of him and his decision it’s his life and want the very best for him sometimes we just get it wrong that’s parenting at least amongst the people I know in real life when we discuss things in terms of parenting. My parents made the “wrong call” all the time, the older I get them more I look back and know that it was all out of love and all they wanted was to support and help me.

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Just because we read the room wrong, no had died.

Same can be said about his decision to rent with his friends in London. But here you are shocked.

I am not denying you don’t have a good relationship with him. But when you keep justifying your point of view over and over, the other side gets either frustrated or influenced.

You don’t want your son to have a resentment that he was not allowed the same freedom you had in your uni days to decide how he wanted to live. All parents make mistakes. But ours is a more aware generation than our parents.

You are allowed to be not a perfect parent but your son is also not a perfect person or a perfect economist just because he has studied that subject. He should also be allowed that freedom to not evaluate every aspect of his life so perfectly especially when he is lucky to have a safety net in case he struggles.

HardyFox · 08/09/2026 17:35

You made hin an offer, he turned you down for his own reasons. He may regret it, he may not, but good for him for trying to undo the apron strings and fly solo. Sounds like those strings are tight enough that you'll be there in the future to pick him up should he need it so loosen them for now and let him have a life of his choice in the meantime. What choice do you have realistially?
What do you want to do? Somehow force him into it?

Livinthedrama · 08/09/2026 17:30

Given that you have this flat you must be quite wealthy, so is it likely you will gift to him in future anyway, maybe for a deposit? Keep the flat and he might decide to move their in future.
I think you should remind yourself that we only live once, he sounds like a very responsible young man, money isn't everything and so great if he wants to enjoy time living with multiple friends. Yes, it might not make financial sense to you but not every decision needs to be about money. If his first job is paying him 38k then I imagine he will be in a role where his salary can increase a lot and then he can save later.

pluggedunplugged · 08/09/2026 16:58

This thread is still going - for a non problem that's quite something!😂

Disasterclass · 08/09/2026 16:57

I think he’s right to make the choice he has. London can be a hard city to make friends in. Living with or close to friends you already have is a great way to manage it. I know lots of people who struggled when we were younger and left again because they felt isolated. It’s not like other cities where you can visit people easily if you live in different areas. Having a group of friends around is a good move whilst he’s finding his feet.

Surely he could stay in your flat later on if he changes his mind?

TurkishShepherd · 08/09/2026 16:48

Not RTFT
Yes of course he's insane, but we're all middle aged mothers and he's 22 living in London with loads of mates and no responsibility. Yippee!

Give him 3 years he'll rip your arm off for the flat to share with his GF.

Until then let the guy take the leap into independence and learn the hard lessons about home ownership in some other landlords property.

Original poster

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 16:41

JustAnotherWhinger · 08/09/2026 16:32

Yes indeed.

if you’re happy showing your child that being downright rude to him about his choices, despite them being similar to your choices at his age, that is entirely your right.

good luck with your future relationship with him

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Thank you I hope I continue to have a good relationship with him. You don’t need to be sarcastic. Any mother would love to have a good relationship with their children into adulthood. I’ll make have it all wrong at times but I hope he can understand deep down that we just want to help and it’s hard for parents to see their children go into the real world the world is cruel doesn’t hurt to give him a break. That’s just my view everyone has different views and maybe my parenting is all wrong all I can say is that every decision from when he was a baby to now has always been for his future always wanted the very best for him. I guess I’m struggling to let go now he’s an adult same way I struggled whilst he was at uni so far away but in the end I saw an adult who had settled into himself and was having a great time. Every parent sees things differently, we are almost empty nesters it’s hard for us at least maybe for some it’s easy I’m not speaking for all just myself.

OP posts:

Horses7 · 08/09/2026 16:39

Let him be - he’s a grown up!

user3398721 · 08/09/2026 16:35

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 15:59

Yeah she has been in touch with her university they have told her that there’s opportunities to work as HCA at the local hospital on their staff bank and is in touch with a girl that attended her school previously and is a third year medic at her uni who does HCA part time but it’s bank so it works out well for her in terms of when she can work and when she can’t. She is not planning on keeping the supermarket job all throughout her degree due to the placement schedules and is working as much as she can at the minute to save up for university. She started tutoring this summer only had a few students but hopes to continue at university if she can as it’s online. She isn’t going to Cambridge or Ox for medicine.

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Ah, I see. I just found this a bit confusing

Same way our daughter will be working at uni as she works for a supermarket here and has organised a transfer for when she starts at uni.

But not the point of the thread, so, crack on.

Original poster

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 16:34

Redpaisley · 08/09/2026 16:28

Op, I read your further posts. Each of which you have written to justify yourself.

You lived with 5 friends in Uni, you went to Europe to study further. Let your son also be a bit independent. Stop hovering over his head. Even animals know that their kids need to be independent. I am sure he is very capable as he has done well so far.
Also, I hope you don’t speak to you son in the style you are responding in every post here - more justifications - I am shocked, as a parent I have a right to be shocked etc. Leave him alone now. I hope you won’t start interfering if he decides to get married soon. This excuse of protecting them is too much. If you have anxiety or boredom, seek solution for that.

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You don’t necessarily know how I speak to my sons. We have a very good relationship. Just because we read the room wrong, no had died. We thought because he kept mentioning about how much his friends pay for rent in London compared to the starting salaries he’d have liked the flat. For that we were wrong parents can get it wrong sometimes at least we do.

We aren’t the perfect parents all we do is try we’ve made many mistakes in the 22 years things always work out in the end and I will always be happy for our children whatever path the choose in life. It is very tough for young people very different to my experience growing up I would have crumbled at all these multi stage interview. My first “proper job” no technical task no test or anything. We are proud of him and his decision it’s his life and want the very best for him sometimes we just get it wrong that’s parenting at least amongst the people I know in real life when we discuss things in terms of parenting. My parents made the “wrong call” all the time, the older I get them more I look back and know that it was all out of love and all they wanted was to support and help me.

OP posts:

hifriend · 08/09/2026 16:33

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 09:19

That is what I am trying to tell him. Yes 38k is very good for a 22 year old but also it doesn’t go far in London he also wants to enjoy London but we will see he might find a nice place for a decent rent. Also I think he wants to be independent which I understand.

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Sorry you are getting a hard time on here, OP. Your son is of course wildly lucky to have such a safety net, which is exactly why he doesn't realise it >.< I'm a tad jealous even though I think I was more sheltered/privileged than him, just because how tough it was to find and afford a room to rent in London when I was starting out is what forced me out of my chosen industry. But it's fantastic that your son wants to be independent but still has other options for when the penny does drop.

I get why you want to save him the struggle, but the reality of what it was like to walk an hour and a half home from work because I didn't have £1.40 for the bus, or to be making spreadsheets to work out the cheapest meals, definitely woke me up to what life is like for most people and I have never forgotten it even though I ultimately couldn't stick out that life >.< I am naturally a pretty empathetic human and thought I had some idea of what being skint was like but I really didn't until I lived it for a bit. So I'm not saying it's a lesson your son needs but being independent is likely to help him grow and build resilience. Once I realised what most people were dealing with I lost interest in working in an arty field anyway and I think I make more of a difference in my new field.

JustAnotherWhinger · 08/09/2026 16:32

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 16:26

Okay well we have different views in that and I think that is okay.

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Yes indeed.

if you’re happy showing your child that being downright rude to him about his choices, despite them being similar to your choices at his age, that is entirely your right.

good luck with your future relationship with him

Redpaisley · 08/09/2026 16:28

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 10:15

Maybe he is embarrassed I can’t control that I only ever want the best for him. I’ve had great opportunities all for free for to study around Europe live in Europe Im grateful so what I’d in an embarrassing parent. I thought my parents were embarrassing growing up and now I would love to get even just one day with my “embarrassing” father who would have done any ring for me.

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Op, I read your further posts. Each of which you have written to justify yourself.

You lived with 5 friends in Uni, you went to Europe to study further. Let your son also be a bit independent. Stop hovering over his head. Even animals know that their kids need to be independent. I am sure he is very capable as he has done well so far.
Also, I hope you don’t speak to you son in the style you are responding in every post here - more justifications - I am shocked, as a parent I have a right to be shocked etc. Leave him alone now. I hope you won’t start interfering if he decides to get married soon. This excuse of protecting them is too much. If you have anxiety or boredom, seek solution for that.

Original poster

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 16:26

JustAnotherWhinger · 08/09/2026 16:24

Him saying that doesn’t make you saying it any less rude.

You say in one of your other posts it was an offer of a gift without strings or pressure - it absolutely wasn’t when you resort to calling him ridiculous for saying no.

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Okay well we have different views in that and I think that is okay.

OP posts:

JustAnotherWhinger · 08/09/2026 16:24

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 14:43

No as he said so himself he said “I know I am being ridiculous but I can’t pick out of my friends who to live with it’s easier to just live with the three of them”

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Him saying that doesn’t make you saying it any less rude.

You say in one of your other posts it was an offer of a gift without strings or pressure - it absolutely wasn’t when you resort to calling him ridiculous for saying no.