AIBU to think our 22 yo son is being slightly mad turning down a free London flat?

BeNeatCat · 2026-09-08T07:58:43+00:00

DS is 22 and has finally got his first proper job in London and we are absolutely thrilled for him. He graduated from the University of Edinburgh with a first in Economics last year and came home afterwards. We live in a village and while looking for work he worked at the local farm shop and tutored A-level students. We didn't charge him rent. He helps around the house and it's actually been really lovely having him home. He says he genuinely missed the village when he was at university the peace and quiet, being able to get back into reading and cycling, and having time with our four dogs. He's also managed to save about £16k since graduating so it's not as though he's been sitting around spending everything he earns. He's actually been very sensible financially. He's now got a London job on £38k which we're very chuffed about. That’s a very good wage for a 22 year old newly grad. DH and I have a two bedroom flat in Borough of Hammersmith and Fulham. We’ve been renting for a while and the tenants have since bought a house now so they’ve moved out. We have had it on short term let as it’s been summer time so lots of tourists have been eager, it’s had a new group of people every other week or so since May it’s been quite hard for us to keep up with to be honest as this was our first time doing short term let’s seems as though the market in London is good. We've offered the flat to our son him and a friend completely rent-free. They would only have to pay the bills. And he's said no.Because he wants to live with THREE of his mates. They’re currently searching and have been going to views for a 4 bed. I have told him he's being ridiculous. He is 22, starting his first job on £38k, and we've basically handed him free accommodation in London. He could live there, pay the bills, continue saving and potentially build up a very decent pot of money over the next few years.Instead, he wants to rent a house with four friends because he wants the experience of living with them. I get it. I lived with 5 other girls (friends I made at uni) in London after university and throughly enjoy it they’re still my closest friends. And this is where I am conflicted because, if I'm being completely honest, I do understand it but also the economy is different to when I was 22 He's had a very nice year at home. He's saved £16k, had a peaceful year in the village, read, cycled, spent time with the dogs and generally enjoyed being at home. He isn't desperate to leave because he hates being here. He said he was slightly sad (albeit happy) about getting the job because he’s enjoyed being in a village his mind could finally think (his words) He does want to go and have the experience of being 22 and living in London with his mates. DH thinks we should leave him to it. He's an adult, he's earning a decent salary, he's saved a good amount already and he's allowed to prioritise having fun and living with his friends over maximising his savings. And I know he's right. But I can't help thinking that a free two-bedroom flat in Hammersmith and Fulham that is fully paid for and his parents own is the sort of offer you don't turn down lightly at 22! At the same time, perhaps I'm looking at it entirely through the lens of being his parent. I'm thinking about deposits, investments and financial security. He's thinking about having his four best friends round for dinner, going to the pub after work and coming home to a house full of people his own age. He's not asking us to subsidise a lavish lifestyle either. He has £16k saved, a £38k salary and presumably will be perfectly capable of paying his own rent. He just doesn't want the financially optimal option. And perhaps that's the point. He can afford to make the choice he actually wants. So AIBU to think he's mad?Would you take the free London flat and save like mad for the next few years or would you pay rent to live with four of your best friends at 22 because you only get to be 22 once? I'm increasingly wondering whether I'm confusing “financially sensible” with “the right choice for him”. Maybe I am being unreasoned he’s 22, has a girlfriend who is soon moving to London too and wants to experience London to its full potential, get pissed with his friends and have fun I can’t fault him maybe I am being unreasonable.

winnieanddaisy · 10/09/2026 11:42

If you don’t need the rent from your London flat you could possibly rent it out for a couple of years more and put the rent away for your son’s savings . It would mean that you won’t be worse off and your son’s savings would still be building his savings whilst living the lifestyle he wants .

itsgettingweird · 10/09/2026 07:56

Could you rent out the flat and put the money into savings.

The when he wants to buy you have a nice amount to gift him towards the deposit and so instead of saving through a rent free flat he’s renting and saving through you renting out the flat.

But don’t tell him that’s what you’re doing. That way you don’t take his incentive to save away.

HugePonts · 10/09/2026 07:49

JacknDiane · 09/09/2026 22:43

Its about more than that though. Its about letting your kids be independent, stand on their own 2 feet, look after themselves without mummy there, sort their washing/bills/rent money/ way home/relationships by themselves.

Thats what its about. Letting your kids grow up.

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You can do all this just living at home. My children are all independent and manage their finances independently. I don't charge them rent but they manage their lives independently and can go out and do more stuff because they don't have to pay someone else mortgage for them.

JacknDiane · 09/09/2026 22:43

HugePonts · 09/09/2026 09:28

DS is older and earns a few key less. He just lives with us rent free in London. No need to move out and waste money paying someone else's mortgage.

Its about more than that though. Its about letting your kids be independent, stand on their own 2 feet, look after themselves without mummy there, sort their washing/bills/rent money/ way home/relationships by themselves.

Thats what its about. Letting your kids grow up.

ClaudiasTrampoline · 09/09/2026 12:54

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 22:11

Yes you are right it’s gone in circles. All I am saying is that I don’t believe there is anything wrong with wanting to leave the country, she’s a British citizen entitled to the education as much as everyone else that applies and meets the entry requirements it’s not as though she just sneaked into it and snatched someone place regardless of what she plans to do after. She’s entitled to train here as much as anyone else. If med schools cared in terms of medics with dual citizenship they can create new policy regarding the training and what is expected of then after they’ve trained here.

And I do agree the post wasn’t in disagreement with my son necessarily it was more so just surprised based on the previous conversations he’s brought up himself regarding the rent prices in London we as parents clearly didn’t read the room correctly.

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Once again, I have absolutely no issue with UK medical school applicants with dual citizenship getting medical school places. Cultural diversity and awareness in the profession is a good thing. My DC both have a number of peers with dual citizenship in their cohorts. However, the ones they know aspire to making a contribution and building their careers in the UK at least in the initial years although they know they may end up having to go elsewhere to progress. This is very different from 'loving the idea of leaving immediately after graduating'. The word "entitled" is repeated in your post whilst the moral angle is consistently ignored, which suggests that perhaps the apple may not be falling that far from the tree.

Newusername2026 · 09/09/2026 09:32

Neither of you is unreasonable...your idea is sensible but he prefers to try something different. I would leave him to it. It might well be that after a few months in a grotty house share he will want to take up your offer.

HugePonts · 09/09/2026 09:28

DS is older and earns a few key less. He just lives with us rent free in London. No need to move out and waste money paying someone else's mortgage.

Dorothyperky · 09/09/2026 07:57

Good morning OP.
I hope you took no notice of the nutters!
I agree to renting the flat out and stashing the cash. Remember you now have to give four months notice if you wish to end any tenancy.

There's a shortage of good rental homes. Just be a decent landlord and look forward to hearing about your son's adventures.

ItsNotMeEither · 09/09/2026 07:45

Look, I get it, you're trying to do something wonderful for your son and he just wants to enjoy life with his friends.

If you really want to let him find his own way AND help him, rent it out to a tenant. Save the rent, 25% each to you and your husband for your own retirement (you can always pass this on later if you don't need it, take a family holiday, treat your future grandchildren to something, and 25% each into secret savings accounts for your two children. This can be given to them when they hit the stage that they would really appreciate it. Wait until they're ready to live without a tribe, saving for a deposit on a home of their own etc.

hifriend · 09/09/2026 07:23

Bjorkdidit · 08/09/2026 18:09

I'm now wondering if you're the woman I went to see do a talk with some friends who's PhD was something similar to poetry about witches. Some of what she said was interesting but as a scientist who knows people with PhDs in advancing cancer cures or repackaging historical nuclear waste, my God it was a load of nonsense.

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Wow what an incredibly rude thing to say when it's not even the topic of the thread. FYI I used to work in Higher Ed and the fees humanities students pay subsidise STEM subjects which have more costs. So those people pay extortionate amounts of money to follow a passion which rarely pays off for them financially in the job market and also supports the 'real' research you're comparing them to. And actually science and tech developments desperately need the critical thinking skills that humanities subjects develop.

VenusThighTrap · 08/09/2026 23:18

Time to cut the apron strings. I was living in London at 22, on a pitiful salary with five others. Absolutely loved it and my parents had no idea of my finances and wouldn’t dream of giving me advice!

Your son is so lucky he has a safety net, a good salary and close friends. I’m with other posters - I do not see a dilemma here!

Original poster

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 22:30

user3398721 · 08/09/2026 22:20

Still a bit confused by all this in response to my pointing out that most unis discourage (to put it mildly) outside jobs in the first year of medicine.

Did she organise a supermarket job transfer? Or will she be working as bank staff her first year?

My post
user3398721 · Today 16:35

BeNeatCat · Today 15:59
Yeah she has been in touch with her university they have told her that there’s opportunities to work as HCA at the local hospital on their staff bank and is in touch with a girl that attended her school previously and is a third year medic at her uni who does HCA part time but it’s bank so it works out well for her in terms of when she can work and when she can’t. She is not planning on keeping the supermarket job all throughout her degree due to the placement schedules and is working as much as she can at the minute to save up for university. She started tutoring this summer only had a few students but hopes to continue at university if she can as it’s online. She isn’t going to Cambridge or Ox for medicine.

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Ah, I see. I just found this a bit confusing

Same way our daughter will be working at uni as she works for a supermarket here and has organised a transfer for when she starts at uni.

She is yet to start university welcome week hasn’t started she has been in touch with the university and explained her situation and they’ve advised her. There’s med students at the university she’ll be attending who have jobs cafes etc she knows this as she know a few who attending her school and were 1 to 3 years above her. She’s not planning to doing 37 hrs a week alongside her studies last I checked. I mentioned ox and Cambridge because it was mentioned. She didn’t apply to either their rules might be different I do not know I haven’t kept up with each med school only ones she applied to.

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user3398721 · 08/09/2026 22:20

Still a bit confused by all this in response to my pointing out that most unis discourage (to put it mildly) outside jobs in the first year of medicine.

Did she organise a supermarket job transfer? Or will she be working as bank staff her first year?

My post
user3398721 · Today 16:35

BeNeatCat · Today 15:59
Yeah she has been in touch with her university they have told her that there’s opportunities to work as HCA at the local hospital on their staff bank and is in touch with a girl that attended her school previously and is a third year medic at her uni who does HCA part time but it’s bank so it works out well for her in terms of when she can work and when she can’t. She is not planning on keeping the supermarket job all throughout her degree due to the placement schedules and is working as much as she can at the minute to save up for university. She started tutoring this summer only had a few students but hopes to continue at university if she can as it’s online. She isn’t going to Cambridge or Ox for medicine.

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Ah, I see. I just found this a bit confusing

Same way our daughter will be working at uni as she works for a supermarket here and has organised a transfer for when she starts at uni.

TunnocksOrDeath · 08/09/2026 22:20

Is it possible they don't want to live in that location and are worried about offending you by explaining why? It could be something as simple as the journey to having too many changes to be practical, or maybe the flat is in that bit of the borough where all the stations are a bus-ride away, or it could be that the flat is in a very nice road, but the route to the station is through somewhere they'd prefer not to walk late at night. There's lots of good reasons why someone would reject a nice flat, if it was tied to a specific location.

Original poster

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 22:11

ClaudiasTrampoline · 08/09/2026 21:57

Obviously it is true of many UK trained doctors that their life and career after completing med school will not be based solely on working for the NHS. However, it is somewhat disingenuous to imply that this is the same as saying someone ""would love to leave the UK almost instantly after graduating." I'll leave the debate there as it is off topic and going in circles. On the actual thread topic, personally I would take it as a positive that your DS wants to stand on his own feet and doesn't see a free ride as his due.

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Yes you are right it’s gone in circles. All I am saying is that I don’t believe there is anything wrong with wanting to leave the country, she’s a British citizen entitled to the education as much as everyone else that applies and meets the entry requirements it’s not as though she just sneaked into it and snatched someone place regardless of what she plans to do after. She’s entitled to train here as much as anyone else. If med schools cared in terms of medics with dual citizenship they can create new policy regarding the training and what is expected of then after they’ve trained here.

And I do agree the post wasn’t in disagreement with my son necessarily it was more so just surprised based on the previous conversations he’s brought up himself regarding the rent prices in London we as parents clearly didn’t read the room correctly.

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ClaudiasTrampoline · 08/09/2026 21:57

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 21:42

She mentioned how she’s working on her Dutch and she’d love to go practice medicine there as well as working on her Swahili as she has the opportunity to go to East Africa with her school on a volunteering project. There is overseas activity possible if she was to intercalate her hope is to that spend that year focusing on tropical medicine and has looked at the various courses available at different universities to intercalate at. She hasn’t hidden the fact that her life and career after completing med school will not be based solely on working for the NHS. So I think it’s fine if they had an issue they would have probed her more on it or not accepted her at any med school.

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Obviously it is true of many UK trained doctors that their life and career after completing med school will not be based solely on working for the NHS. However, it is somewhat disingenuous to imply that this is the same as saying someone ""would love to leave the UK almost instantly after graduating." I'll leave the debate there as it is off topic and going in circles. On the actual thread topic, personally I would take it as a positive that your DS wants to stand on his own feet and doesn't see a free ride as his due.

Original poster

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 21:42

ClaudiasTrampoline · 08/09/2026 21:27

I have absolutely nothing against candidates with dual citizenship applying for UK medical school. However, I do take issue with such DC taking places when they "would love to leave the UK almost instantly after graduating", particularly when their training to costs the UK C£200K. Presumably she didn't mention this in her med school interviews? International students coming to the UK to study and go home is a different matter entirely as they are paying tuition fees of around £50k per year.

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She mentioned how she’s working on her Dutch and she’d love to go practice medicine there as well as working on her Swahili as she has the opportunity to go to East Africa with her school on a volunteering project. There is overseas activity possible if she was to intercalate her hope is to that spend that year focusing on tropical medicine and has looked at the various courses available at different universities to intercalate at. She hasn’t hidden the fact that her life and career after completing med school will not be based solely on working for the NHS. So I think it’s fine if they had an issue they would have probed her more on it or not accepted her at any med school.

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ClaudiasTrampoline · 08/09/2026 21:27

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 21:04

She is working on her Dutch and I’ve been honest that I probably could have been more proactive in supporting her with the language earlier on but unfortunately I wasn’t.She does know Dutch she’s just not currently at the level required to meet the language standard for admission to a Dutch medical school. Her hope is to continue improving and becoming more proficient over time.

As far as I’m aware, there hasn’t been any change in the rules or policy since she applied that would prevent someone with dual citizenship from studying medicine here and later exploring opportunities in another country. Obviously the specific requirements would depend on the country she eventually wanted to go to including any language or registration requirements.

So I completely understand but also don’t believe she has taken an opportunity from someone else she followed the procedure like everyone else who applies for medicine. Ucas asks the applicants about nationality and she entered both so I’m certain on the unis record they’re aware she holds both citizenships. All in all I have nothing against dual citizens applying to uk unis regardless of what their plans are afterwards but I’m a dual citizen I am biased in that sense.

I have absolutely nothing against candidates with dual citizenship applying for UK medical school. However, I do take issue with such DC taking places when they "would love to leave the UK almost instantly after graduating", particularly when their training to costs the UK C£200K. Presumably she didn't mention this in her med school interviews? International students coming to the UK to study and go home is a different matter entirely as they are paying tuition fees of around £50k per year.

Original poster

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 21:13

AnotherEmma · 08/09/2026 20:53

All the more reason not to do this for him since she won't be able to benefit from a rent free place herself.

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She will get allocated to a region when she first finishes uni she might not even be allocated in London so what good would a flat in H&F do for her if she’s allocated in Newcastle not sure that would be doable commute. You get to put your preferences but around London it’s a popular preference for F1 being one of the most competitive if not the most competitive.

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Original poster

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 21:05

Newyearawaits · 08/09/2026 21:00

I might be being oversensitive but the majority of the content of OP's post contains information about her son's achievements, financial status etc.
No doubt he has done very well and you should be very proud of him.
However, it comes across as bragging with alot of irrelevant information.

You’re not being over sensitive that is your view that’s not my intention at all

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Original poster

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 21:04

She is working on her Dutch and I’ve been honest that I probably could have been more proactive in supporting her with the language earlier on but unfortunately I wasn’t.She does know Dutch she’s just not currently at the level required to meet the language standard for admission to a Dutch medical school. Her hope is to continue improving and becoming more proficient over time.

As far as I’m aware, there hasn’t been any change in the rules or policy since she applied that would prevent someone with dual citizenship from studying medicine here and later exploring opportunities in another country. Obviously the specific requirements would depend on the country she eventually wanted to go to including any language or registration requirements.

So I completely understand but also don’t believe she has taken an opportunity from someone else she followed the procedure like everyone else who applies for medicine. Ucas asks the applicants about nationality and she entered both so I’m certain on the unis record they’re aware she holds both citizenships. All in all I have nothing against dual citizens applying to uk unis regardless of what their plans are afterwards but I’m a dual citizen I am biased in that sense.

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Newyearawaits · 08/09/2026 21:00

I might be being oversensitive but the majority of the content of OP's post contains information about her son's achievements, financial status etc.
No doubt he has done very well and you should be very proud of him.
However, it comes across as bragging with alot of irrelevant information.

AnotherEmma · 08/09/2026 20:53

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 12:24

We will have to see she hasn’t even moved into her first year accommodation yet. Her situation is quite different she doesn’t choose where she lives when she first graduates I’d she’d like a job that is. With the state of the nhs at the minute she also plans to not live in the uk long term would love to leave almost instantly after graduating as she has dual citizenship and junior doctors have been chances in other countries.

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All the more reason not to do this for him since she won't be able to benefit from a rent free place herself.

ClaudiasTrampoline · 08/09/2026 20:36

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 20:25

It would be very difficult for her mainly due to language constraints she can speak Dutch but not at the level that is required. Maastricht University discontinued its English track for this academic year even the selection process is done in Dutch. It is her second language we haven’t been as proactive in making sure she is fluent growing up she only wanted me to speak to her in English even for me Dutch is my essentially my second language.

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Yet you said [she] "would love to leave almost instantly after graduating as she has dual citizenship and junior doctors have been chances in other countries". If she plans to leave after graduating, presumably she intends to do F1 and F2 equivalent abroad as she will graduate after five or six years and then go on to foundation training. How will she do this if her foreign language is not good enough to go to a Dutch med school?

Original poster

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 20:25

ClaudiasTrampoline · 08/09/2026 19:54

I have two DC in med school. I know the drill and I know that many end up having to go abroad for jobs and training places after F2. That is a different thing from applying and taking a place with no intention of working in the UK. If the Netherlands is the end game why not let that country pay the c£200k subsidy to help her qualify?

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It would be very difficult for her mainly due to language constraints she can speak Dutch but not at the level that is required. Maastricht University discontinued its English track for this academic year even the selection process is done in Dutch. It is her second language we haven’t been as proactive in making sure she is fluent growing up she only wanted me to speak to her in English even for me Dutch is my essentially my second language.

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