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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse my 18-year-old access to his savings?

288 replies

TheSereneBird · 08/09/2026 07:00

My son has just turned 18. To say he has been a nightmare for the last 3 years is an understatement. He failed all his GCSEs. Only ended up sitting 3 of them but failed. I recalled the papers and he had barely written anything. I helped him find an apprenticeship. He’s done that for a year but it’s been very rocky. He’s now been fired with just a few months to go for consistently not turning up.
I’ve pleaded with him to save his job and I k who he does want to save it but won’t face up to it. He’s been in trouble with the police twice for cannabis possession. He was in front of the magistrates just before he turned 18 and they gave him a stern warning that if he is caught again he will be in an adult court.
he has moved out - he’s done this before sleeping on a friends floor.

He has a savings account that we have kept for him since he was a baby with 10a of thousands in it - money from grandparents as well over the years. He knows about it and as he is now 18 he knows that he can have the money transferred to him legally and there is nothing we can do about it. I don’t want him to touch it. It was meant to be for a deposit for his first home to help him on his way. He will waste it on rent and probably drugs.

he is seeing a therapist and I know he wants the help. He has a severe adhd so everything seems such a struggle for him and even sticking to his appointments is a nightmare. It costs is £200 a session but I’d pay the world to help him. I just don’t know how to help him. He won’t listen and does as he pleases.

he is now jobless and sleeping on a friends floor. He has a good home and all the love and support he could want or need. He knows he is welcome back anytime. I’m so afraid he will try to access the money. AIBU to deny him it. I’ve told him we put in in a child account to benefit from the tax savings but it is not his until we give it to him. With no job I’m worried he will be desperate and do something stupid. AIBU? I feel so stressed out.

OP posts:
ChapmanFarm · 08/09/2026 08:41

Just don't mention it then and if he asks make noises about trying to find paperwork then let it slip.

Right now he needs you. Getting him to college is the number one priority. He still has a chance but it's his last chance and securing another job with no qualifications and a shaky reference in the current market is a tall order.

Try and let any anger about what has gone before go. Take him there if you can. Offer to sit down with him and sort out whatever needs to be caught up on so he doesn't have to organise the tasks on his own.

Turn a blind eye to everything else if he goes in to college and reassure him he can do it.

disgracefullyyours · 08/09/2026 08:41

Forgot to mention my niece's child account was automatically transferred to an adult's account (Halifax) when she turned 18.

pluggedunplugged · 08/09/2026 08:40

TheSereneBird · 08/09/2026 07:29

He knows about it as my DH told him some time ago. It was part of a negotiation to keep him on the straight and narrow letting him know that if he worked hard and held down his job etc we would help him buy his own place with the money we’d saved for him. But I always told my husband is was a massive mistake to tell him it was in his name and he could access it when he was 18. I knew it would come back to bite us but my DH can be very naive. He is now as stressed about it as me. Again our only saving grace is he is so disorganised. He can’t even sort out Apple Pay on his phone. I can drag it out. Sure. I guess my bigger problem is what the hell to do with him. I’ve begged him to try and save his job. College will keep him on as long as he gets his portfolio up to date and can help transfer him to another employer. But he won’t engage with it. He’d rather take the easy route pretend it’s not happening and convince himself he will have another job by the end of the week. He has no idea.

I behaved like your ds when I was his age and I was completely miserable, unregulated, I was always seeking the next thrill, in my head I wanted to be normal, settle down, stop being so impulsive but I couldn't, my head was just all over the place. I never found the solution to my head - I found a dh who adored me, he paid all my debts, supported me emotionally and financially - not sure where I'd be now if it wasn't for him.

Original poster
TheSereneBird · 08/09/2026 08:38

JustAPeach · 08/09/2026 08:37

When DC2 turned 18 I still had to go with him
and sign for him to transfer the money out of his account. He tried to do it on his own and wasn’t allowed as I was still the signatory.
It was a bit of a faff for me but might be useful for you.

Interesting… need to check.

OP posts:
JustAPeach · 08/09/2026 08:37

When DC2 turned 18 I still had to go with him
and sign for him to transfer the money out of his account. He tried to do it on his own and wasn’t allowed as I was still the signatory.
It was a bit of a faff for me but might be useful for you.

disgracefullyyours · 08/09/2026 08:37

Does he know the name of the provider that has his savings?

Original poster
TheSereneBird · 08/09/2026 08:37

Thanks all for listening and helping. It’s been helpful to get it off my chest and I feel better for it and have a bit more clarity. Was feeling overwhelmed and didn't sleep well last night.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 08/09/2026 08:35

Definitely check what type of account it is. There are some accounts that are not automatically accessible once someone reaches 18. I would fight tooth and nail for him not to get access. He will thank you for it once he gets his life sorted. It’s heartbreaking when you have been good parents to them, for them to fall of the path what you want for them. I had a situation with my dd, but not the same as yours with drugs/police. She has turned into a lovely person now in her mid 20s, so there is hope for you all.

ThisMellowCat · 08/09/2026 08:34

If he’s on benefits, then tell him his benefits will stop once he receives it and it changes over to his name as an adult, the bank has a responsibility now to pass this info on, so if he doesn’t want to lose the benefits he’d best leave it where it is.
can you move it to another account until he’s 25 stipulated on it?
if he knows about it there’s not much you can do, and if he’s on this trail now it probably won’t stop until he realises he needs to, downside of ADHD there’s no arguing your point, they’ll just continue regardless but hopefully the money they’ll lose will wake them up

Raghnaid · 08/09/2026 08:32

"It’s not all his savings as a larger amount is kept in our own savings account"

@TheSereneBird The savings in your own and husband's account are 100% in your control, they are legally and technically yours. Even though you've "earmarked" certain sums, over the years, for him. Therefore you have no legal need to transfer until you decide. So that's somewhat of a relief.

If the other account is soley in his name, there's little to be done to restrict access. (legally)

Original poster
TheSereneBird · 08/09/2026 08:32

ChapmanFarm · 08/09/2026 08:28

Does he know be has an account or know exactly how much is in it?

If he's just expecting 'some money' I'd be tempted to stick a few hundred in an unrelated bank and tell him that's it.

But I'd only do that if he made serious noises about reapplying for a passport. Otherwise I'd just misplace it or say it's expired.

The ADHD will contribute to him spending it unwisely but is also likely to stop him being proactive in getting it out.

If he's a fully functioning adult capable of handling this money then he can go about the paperwork/documentation himself. If he's not, then it doesn't work both ways so I'd make no attempt to assist (and keep his passport) until he's in a better place.

That money will facilitate a bad life if he has it now and he might be an adult but you can still have his best interests at heart and protect him himself- I see that as good parenting, not a moral issue of 'what's his'.

Show quote history

Yes this is how I see it. The money is for him. We’d never dream of using it for anything else. We are just trying to protect him at this vulnerable stage. That’s what the AIBU was for. (And he knows how much is there - it’s not a life changing amount but enough to do damage with)

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSereneBird · 08/09/2026 08:28

Female123456 · 08/09/2026 08:25

can you get some professional advice about this?
sounds worrying
i understand your fear and need to protect his money
and if he wastes the money as a teenager he might regret his decision as an adult in years to come

is he getting any help for his drug use and other behaviours. I know you have got him therapy which is good.

He is currently on an 9 month referral order to the youth justice team after he was caught with a load of cannabis and non prescription anti anxiety pills. It’s only just been given so I will need to speak to the social workers and ask for more support. He presented himself so well in court and I don’t think the youth justice team appreciate me how troubled he really is. The private therapist is specially to deal with his drug use and behaviours as well.

OP posts:
ChapmanFarm · 08/09/2026 08:28

TheSereneBird · 08/09/2026 08:09

We don’t have great leverage as he is very headstrong but I think if he can secure a good job and therpay below to get his head in a better place he may well agree to leave it until we are ready for him to have it. He’s a good kid at heart just very confused. On a good day he will understand that is the right thing to do and that forcibly taking then money against our wishes is not how he really wants to behave.

we pay for the therapy privately and it seems to be a very good therapist that I researched for months. He’s often willing to chat and open up but then with little notice he will blow up. We are on eggshells. I made the mistake of calling him yesterday and pleading with him to use the last opportunity to speak to his boss (who’d encouraged him to write to HR and def ins his last absence). I pushed too hard as yesterday was his deadline and he kept saying he would do it every day. He hung up and now won’t engage. I have to leave him be for a little while. He will be home for washing/money/clothes before too long no doubt. I’ll then try to help him complete his CV and find a new job (he’d asked for help with his CV last week but he’s been too distracted and erratic to apply himself so I’ll just have to wait until he is ready).

Show quote history

Does he know be has an account or know exactly how much is in it?

If he's just expecting 'some money' I'd be tempted to stick a few hundred in an unrelated bank and tell him that's it.

But I'd only do that if he made serious noises about reapplying for a passport. Otherwise I'd just misplace it or say it's expired.

The ADHD will contribute to him spending it unwisely but is also likely to stop him being proactive in getting it out.

If he's a fully functioning adult capable of handling this money then he can go about the paperwork/documentation himself. If he's not, then it doesn't work both ways so I'd make no attempt to assist (and keep his passport) until he's in a better place.

That money will facilitate a bad life if he has it now and he might be an adult but you can still have his best interests at heart and protect him himself- I see that as good parenting, not a moral issue of 'what's his'.

SmashThePatriarchy · 08/09/2026 08:26

monymonymony · 08/09/2026 07:34

So, because he smokes weed and hasn’t done very well academically, he’s turned out differently from the child you imagined. And because of that, you now feel he isn’t the child you saved for and doesn’t deserve access to his savings account. Am I understanding you correctly?

Patronising or what? I think you’re understanding perfectly well. She doesn’t want her son spending savings on drugs and spiralling even more. Does that make her a terrible parent in your eyes? As it makes her a very sensible one in mine.

Female123456 · 08/09/2026 08:25

can you get some professional advice about this?
sounds worrying
i understand your fear and need to protect his money
and if he wastes the money as a teenager he might regret his decision as an adult in years to come

is he getting any help for his drug use and other behaviours. I know you have got him therapy which is good.

Sunbringer · 08/09/2026 08:20

TheSereneBird · 08/09/2026 08:20

He is due at college tomorrow. He could still save that and as it’s an apprenticeship they would help him transfer to another employer. But he doesn’t want to face how behind he is so I suspect he won’t turn up and will brush it under the carpet. I don’t know whether to nag and remind him or just leave it now.

Show quote history

Don’t call it nagging. Ask if he wants a lift to college tomorrow.

Sunbringer · 08/09/2026 08:20

DrumsPleaseFab · 08/09/2026 08:16

Are you still able to transfer the bulk of the money to another account, then earmark that to give to him later? Give him access to some of it now, to blow it, and keep the rest safe?

We moved our kids savings into a counts in our names before they turned 18 so that they would not be disincentivised to try and find work/study at a crucial age

i think a lot of teens would not be able to handle that amount of cash

Edited

She can’t transfer money out of the account because it’s not her account.

Original poster
TheSereneBird · 08/09/2026 08:20

EmeraldShamrock000 · 08/09/2026 08:17

Just love him. Be there for him, he will turn things around. Those with supportive families nearly always do. He’ll find his feet.

Show quote history

He is due at college tomorrow. He could still save that and as it’s an apprenticeship they would help him transfer to another employer. But he doesn’t want to face how behind he is so I suspect he won’t turn up and will brush it under the carpet. I don’t know whether to nag and remind him or just leave it now.

OP posts:
Sunbringer · 08/09/2026 08:19

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 08/09/2026 07:07

If it's in his name, surely you can't legally stop him from accessing it?

No but she doesn’t have to tell him where it’s saved or how to access it. Doesn’t sound like he has money for a solicitor to order disclosure or anything so until she tells him he can’t find it.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 08/09/2026 08:17

TheSereneBird · 08/09/2026 08:16

Thank you for saying this. I needed to hear this in black and white and say out loud what this actually is. It hurts so much to see my child suffer like this and be so powerless to make it right.

Show quote history

Just love him. Be there for him, he will turn things around. Those with supportive families nearly always do. He’ll find his feet.

ConnectFortyFour · 08/09/2026 08:17

I have this situation. I deal with it by never mentioning the money or where it is, hiding all account details, hiding post when it comes through and relying on the fact that he probably lacks the executive function to jump through all the hoops required to actually access the money - esp as the bank has no high street presence. Legally there is no other recourse and it’s a real gap

DrumsPleaseFab · 08/09/2026 08:16

Are you still able to transfer the bulk of the money to another account, then earmark that to give to him later? Give him access to some of it now, to blow it, and keep the rest safe?

We moved our kids savings into a counts in our names before they turned 18 so that they would not be disincentivised to try and find work/study at a crucial age

i think a lot of teens would not be able to handle that amount of cash

Original poster
TheSereneBird · 08/09/2026 08:16

EmeraldShamrock000 · 08/09/2026 08:02

His mental health is very poor. I’ve no doubt he is aware that he is a big disappointment. He’s mentally ill and trapped in addiction.
The money isn’t important in the grand scheme of things. He has a disability that makes holding down a regular job difficult, sounds like he’s drowning and putting on the careless attitude. I’m sure he cares big time that he is not functioning normally.
Take your foot off the pedal around jobs/monies.
His mental health is the most important.

Thank you for saying this. I needed to hear this in black and white and say out loud what this actually is. It hurts so much to see my child suffer like this and be so powerless to make it right.

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 08/09/2026 08:15

Imaginingdragonsagain · 08/09/2026 07:05

I’ve said YABU because I don’t think you can stop him accessing this account. I do really feel for you however, I wouldn’t want him to have access to it either. Hopefully he can find his way soon.

Same. Although I understand your feelings I don't think you can legally prevent him from accessing his own money..

AgnesMcDoo · 08/09/2026 08:15

just been through this. The bank will transfer it automatically to adult account. But the letters and emails will go to last known address. Presuming this is your home you can intercept the mail. But if they email or call him he will be able to access this himself.

the bank will no longer deal with you