AIBU to refuse my 18-year-old access to his savings?

ADHD and large amounts of money is a lethal combination, ask me how I know 🤦‍♀️

I blew through my savings when I was 18, undiagnosed at the time and now I realise that I was self medicating with illegal drugs. I was diagnosed a few years later and now take medication, it’s a rough ride finding something that suits you but there’s more than one option.

I hope you can find a way to stop him from getting his hands on it, I don’t think people realise how bad a combination ADHD and money can be.

If he has savings in his name (even if you are currently not allowing access) this would all need to be declared on any benefit/housing application.

the situation sounds incredibly difficult

Op as a fellow mum of a young adult with adhd I don't know what i would do.

How much longer has he to go in his apprenticeship?

My ds would find it very stressful to go back to that place of work after the way it ended, even if it wasn't his fault. His social skills are not great, he's not great at organising his thoughts, he overthinks interactions so would be convinced everyone there hated him.

I think I would not push for him to go back. But I would if possible ask for a reference for him to take away with him. I would do that for him, even though he's over 18 and most folk on here would be telling me he should do it himself. He wouldn't be capable of doing it himself at the stage your son is at right now.

I would organise a meeting at college with him and you and see what they can offer him. I would do the organising and present him with the date and that way he'd be more inclined to just turn up.

I've come to believe that mental well being and stability comes before everything else. And he's got a lot going on right now. So if he can't deal with getting back to his existing job or college I think I'd help him tie up any loose ends so he potentially has a way back in future and concentrate on other things for now.

I have no idea how you fix his drug issues. I'm sorry things are this way for him right now. He's young, he's made some stupid choices. He's not the only one. But he can turn it around.

It is his money and he must declare it if making an application for benefits.

Well you have to make a choice at some point. There are only 2 options, your name or DC same. Each has its own pros and cons. Nobody with £20k is claiming UC legitimately though.

People who can save more than the £20k annual ISA allowance should not be claiming UC!

But my point is that unless you are maxing out your own ISA allowance then there is simply no need to take the risk when no one knows how their child will turn out.

My DDs have a modest amount (less than £1k) of birthday/other monies invested. If they waste it at 18 then that’s a shame but no long term harm done. Wasting thousands that your parents could have saved in their own names is a much bigger issue.

All other money is saved in my & DH’s names, perhaps some will go to help DDs, perhaps we’ll spend it all on high living when we retire, but I know it will never be wasted by a teen!

Agree. All it takes is a friend to take enough of an interest to help him and it would be sorted quickly and legally in his favour.

Doesn't really make sense if you're taxed 40% on the interest though or, you claim UC or your abusive husband demands half when you divorce.

My son has a child account that I am trustee for. He is 26. He also has ADHD. He doesn't really know how much he has in it, but I still control it. I haven't given it to him. In fact when he needed to borrow some money from me to get his car done, he actually 'borrowed it' from his own account - unbeknownst to him - and is currently diligently paying himself back. There's no way I would have let him have it at 18 - and he hasn't as much saved as your son. As far as I know he couldn't access it, so I think if you don't do anything he will find it difficult to access.

Could you give him an allowance in return for doing something? Coming home, doing chores, giving him some structure? Also, if you are on Facebook join the Parents for Adults Children with ADHD and sign up for info from ADHD UK if you haven't already

https://adhduk.co.uk/support/

Sooner or later his thoughts will drift to his savings, especially if he can’t get a job. All it takes is a brief conversation with a friend or walking to the branch of the provider (if it’s not an online only provider) or a quick google search to start the wheels turning.

Why? Most of us bring up kids who have a sense of value and control.

Both mine got access to accounts that are healthy enough to pay a house deposit. Both used a few grand out of them to put towards cars they had been saving for previously. Both replaced the money over a period through saving and actually have more in them than when handed over. Both then went and set up LISA's because they saw the benefits and have healthy amounts building up in them.

Its a completely normal mechanism for most people to provide for their children. Just because some people end up in the OP's situation doesnt make it an extremely good way of introducing young adults into the world of responsibility.

She doesn't have to help him though, and it doesn't sound like he could do it by himself...

I reckon 4 months. It will all be gone within 4 months of him getting access to it.

Unfortunately you reap what you sow. Your DH is an idiot for using it to entice a response in his attitude that your own parenting skills should have taken care of. Now you are literally setting fire to that money because to all intents and purposes, its his money.

My advice, stop delaying the inevitable. Give him the money and deal with the fall out. At present its a badge of honour for your efforts over the years but in reality its already gone. All because your DH used it as a bribe.

There are no alternatives to this.

I always felt incredibly guilty that I could never afford to do this but if I could I wouldn’t have an account that they can access at 18.

A 25/30yo would need that money way more than an 18yo.

Or I’d have said it’s only for a house deposit and not age dependent.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I'm sure OP is well aware and wishing they had not put the money in his name but they are where they are. Parents try their best for their kids and sometimes make mistakes. If only we could all see into the future.

Perhaps he’s not able to do a normal college course due to his ADHD but some colleges have accommodation on site and this may be something for him to consider.

Getting him his own flat (might make him mature) but it’ll likely overwhelm him too much and he’ll end up getting into trouble.

He can’t crash on friends sofas forever though.

This is all well and good. My dd seemed perfectly sensible until she became mentally ill and we thought she’d do great things. Turns out she has severe ADHD as well. Diagnosed a month shy of her 18th. I think dd was perhaps ADHD morphing me (that’s where people take on the personality of the person they spend a lot of time with). Aaaand a middle age mum is pretty sensible.

Unfortunately she did have the executive functioning to access the money. It’s gone down at least 3k.

i wouldn't blame you for doing everythig possible to keep the money safe. Because he sounds incredibly vulnerable and if he didn’t spend it himself he would surely be targeted by others. For this reason it’s crucial to protect it, and him.

Would he actually want to go back and finish the apprenticeship?

I absolutely would not try and blackmail them into taking him back but if he wants to go back he needs to apologise and explain how overwhelmed he felt as he was told he’d only be doing X amount of hours to have time for his other things.

If he was doing extra hours, he should have spoken to them instead of just not turning up.
He could have said from the beginning that he can’t do weekends etc

How long has he got left?

Every parent struggles with this age because there’s a thin line between doing too much and not enough.
Obviously your son has extra issues and so it makes that decision even more difficult.

I think this EVERY time I see normal parent who are no where close.to maxing out thier own isa allowances putting 5k into jayden / kai / little Jimmy's JISA.

Just noooo. Keep control of ypur own money.

I really feel for OP - there but for the gea e of God go I... but the whole point is no matter how much you love your kids you.cant predict the future

Apologies I misread.

I doubt your son would secure a council accommodation with the current pressures on housing- that's not to say he's not eligible. He could tell the council that he is homeless- sleeping on his mates floor and put his name down. If his mate ends the arrangement he might have to go to the council as homeless if he won't go home. He might be offered temporary accommodation. As he has 10s of thousands in savings he would need to pay the bill himself though.

I believe as a young person he would only be entitled to the rate of a room in a shared house if he was claiming benefits. As he's not entitled to benefits due to his savings there really isn't much point involving the council as he'll be expected to pay for this room himself anyway.