MIL situation after she arrived early

Being early is generally rude but being 2.5 hours early is hugely so. Expecting everyone to drop everything, especially work, is just ridiculous.

Dh needs to tell her that she either got the arranged time wrong or doesn't understand that wfh means working.

As for the kids, why should your sons miss out of sleep or put off studying for her when she wasn't even supposed to be there?!

And why can't she make her own drink?!

She sounds like hard work.

I think DH has done right thing speaking to her to put her straight. And also didn’t put up with her victim nonsense. Hopefully you can all enjoy meal on Saturday. It’s nice you’ve planned a meal before he goes back to university and invited her to that.

The MIL is acting like she is the Queen of Sheba, IMO.

OP, you and your family did nothing wrong, but leave it to your DH to tell her!

Exactly. What’s wrong with her that she can’t make a cup of tea?

Some mumsnetters enjoy slagging off other people's kids on here when the opportunity arises. I think it makes them feel 'better than' for a spell and that's why they do it. They wouldn't dare be so critical in person. It's a little online indulgence...a wee treat to themselves.
Personally, I think it's arrogant AF to tell an OP who their own kids are.

Your sons didn't do anything wrong. None of you did. I'm glad your dh was able to spell it out for your mil.

Or has a job where she gets paid for skiving.

Gosh it’s almost as if WFH is a modern day concept made possible by home computers. Not much of a chance for an afternoon knees up with Ethel if she was away at her job with nobody in the house. Or maybe the problem is those working wimmin, it was much better when all they were doing was some housework that could easily be postponed.

He didn’t have a hangover he was asleep. Everyone is entitled to sleep. Just because his schedule is different doesn’t mean it’s wrong. I worked shifts as a student in holidays it suited me. He sounds like a really hardworking lad. He’s going back to uni having worked 60 hours a week which will be a great help to him financially.
I also don’t see how mil was hard done to in any way.
She sat in house and chatted to youngest a bit. Could have made herself a cup of tea/glass of water but chose not to.
Her son makes her lunch (bought food she likes) and they chat.
DIL joins them for lunch and chats. DIL isn’t there bang on 2.30pm due to interviews but she’s got DH her son there.
DIL pops out with dogs - my mil loves having DH 1-1 time.
Adult grandson spends hour with her and fixes her phone. It was nice he was there. He could easily have been working or at girlfriends.
They invite her to stay to dinner (it’s food bought with her in mind) and she declines and goes home.

Or, MIL could have turned up when she said she would.

It's a good job we work from home mum, otherwise you'd have been waiting on the doorstep for two hours. It's not acceptable to turn up when we are working and then complain that we are not making an effort with you. You are always welcome to come around, but we do have work and responsibilities in our life. We had organised for you to arrive at 2.30pm when I finished and dp sadly ran over in her work meeting so was admittedly late. next time lets arrange to go out somewhere and meet after work has finished, then we can really concentrate on conversation

Ok , so perhaps I misunderstand the post.

Ok. So the husband agreed his mum could come over at a certain time as it suited him and his wife.

It didn’t suit the sons.

So if they wait until it suits four adults timetables, she would be invited less often as four people would have to be in agreement.

Do you think that would be better?

Less invites?

Surely you understand that there are some jobs where you cannot just walk out of a meeting / interview?

My family don’t live close by, but when they come to stay, or when my DH family come to stay, or pop over, if it’s when we are working etc they are comfortable and happy enough in our home (and vice versa) to look after themselves as well as us hosting them, especially when we’re all busy and working. I’m totally happy for them to come over because they don’t act like empress divas expecting to be entertained when we’re all busy working. This is WHY they’re welcome. As soon as we’re all free and not working, we spend lovely time together. In between times they get on with it and chill out and relax in the home. No drama. Lots of happiness.

my MIL was rather rude to me in 2010, I didnt see her again until 2023, she'll have popped her clogs soon so hopefully I wont have to suffer her again

Why are you being so nasty? Is that part of your culture too?

‘gasping’ 🙄

Or at all in fact.

Would you really truly just sit there and not fetch yourself a drink or make a cup of tea, if you’d arrived at a time when you weren’t invited, just because you think you should be “hosted” or something?

She’s familiar with the house, she’s a regular visitor, she’s family, she’s physically capable.

No, I just think families seem overly invested in being up their own arses these days.. And I think a lot of people arent interested in older relatives unless there's something in it for them. There's a loss of community and kindness these days. People are so quick to blame relatives for having the audacity to take up a moment of their time. Maybe it is a reflection of how overstretched we've all become. I think it's sad. Just think of the old days in the East End for example......when people just used to turn up on each other's doorsteps . I can't imagine someone from back then sitting for 2 hours being ignored by their family without even a cup if tea.

She shouldn't have turned up early. Maybe she'll remember this the next time and turn up at the agreed time.
You don't have to justify yourself to a whole load of posters on here who are having a go at you.

No more important than the rest of the family and equally able to make herself a cup of tea until her son and DiL had finished work. Stop trying to excuse her rudeness in arriving so far ahead of the arranged time for her own convenience. She was entirely in the wrong here.

We were clear in telling her we wouldn’t be free til after 2.30. We told her to come after 2.30. She doesn’t seem to understand wfh. We have explained it many times.

Stop explaining it, it's falling on deaf ears. Show her instead, by upholding your boundaries.

If someone invited me to "come after 2.30pm because that's when we finish work", I'd turn up at about 3pm. Because nobody wants to finish work then instantly have to switch to being "on" for visitors. You want a toilet break, maybe a chance to freshen up or get changed, a quiet cuppa.

In your position I'd have ignored the front door and left her to realize her mistake in thinking it was ok to show up early. I wouldn't have known who was at the door and I wouldn't have cared, I was working and unavailable, would have been my mindset.

If she'd called or texted I'd have fired off a quick text just saying "we're at work until 2.30pm" then ignored anything further. You'd already told her you were unavailable until 2.30pm when arranging the visit, you should have shown her you meant it.

2 1/2 hrs is enough time for her to go do some errands/shopping or find a cafe to sit in, even if she had to call a taxi to take her there (if she didn't know the area and didn't drive). If she chose to sit in her car or in the door step for 2 1/2 hours, that's her choice and yiure not responsible for how it makes her feel.

Your sons did nothing wrong.

YANBU. MIL has main-character syndrome.

I'd reply to the latest text:

"Excuse me MIL, WTH?! DH and I had booked an afternoon off work to go out for a meal/take a long hike/have sex/sit around in our underwear picking fluff out of our belly-buttons and we gave up our plans FOR YOU because you wanted to visit! You were told we were unavailable until 2.30pm, it was rude of you to come over at 12pm knowing that, but we said nothing, not wanting to fall out with you. Fact is though, our lives don't revolve around you, you are not the center of our universe and we don't exist to wait on you hand and foot whilst you're visiting. You could have made yourself a cuppa, we made it clear that was ok... We are a working family and that includes the DC. One was sleeping after a long hard summer working, which culminated in a party. He was tired and hungover. The other had college work to do before he was free to spend the rest of the afternoon socialising. Neither DC was rude to you. You arranged to come and see DH and myself, you didn't ask either DC if your visit fitted in with their plans, so expecting them to be available at all is unreasonable of you, but still they both found time to chat with you anyway...I don't appreciate you texting to inform us of our supposed failings after we all put ourselves out to accommodate you. "

But then I have no problem falling out with people who take the piss. If they then absent themselves from my life I don't consider it any kind of a loss.

Oh and the small fact of having a very important relative sat there gasping.

She invited herself when she heard that OP and her DH had booked annual leave for the afternoon. They told her that she could come but they would be working until 2.30 pm. They bought food that she liked for lunch and dinner, but she stropped off without staying for dinner.

You are determined to make OP the bad guy for some reason.