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MIL situation after she arrived early

889 replies

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 04:59

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

OP posts:
Error404FucksNotFound · 08/09/2026 18:09

She was very rude to show up hours early and expect you to drop everything for her.

There is no way she thought that you would continue working.

I would stay firm tbh. We said after 230 and you chose to come hours earlier. Thats on you.

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 18:07

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 17:05

Oh and the small fact of having a very important relative sat there gasping.

Do you mean she’s gasping for a cup of tea? Why would she be doing that?

AlwaysExtraHot · 08/09/2026 18:06

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 15:30

I think we all know things are slightly different when people are working from home.

Again, do you understand about meetings? Or interviews?
Working at home on a project you're writing/designing/whatever on your own: sure, you could probably take five minutes to make someone a cup of tea.
In a meeting/interview with other people: slightly more problematic.

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 18:06

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 16:58

Well I can't imagine what the psychology would be if it's not just a bit of thoughtlessness. She obviously thought she would be welcome or she wouldn't have done it. The only other explanation is that she knew she was early and didnt care , but that seems a bit of a stretch. If she thought that then she would also know that it might not be completely convenient, in which case, why is she so upset. I dont think a CF would get so upset.

She did know she was early as she had planned to go shopping and couldn’t be bothered waiting in the queue for the car park.

CuteOrangeElephant · 08/09/2026 18:05

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 18:02

Both my parents worked full time and I was at school and did loads of extra curricular stuff but we could still give someone a cup of tea. In fact, we often entertained. Maybe people are less sociable now. Nobody goes down the pub anymore, do they. I just dont understand why you'd have to go and lie down in a darkened room for a week with a sack full of of paracetamol if you had to.put a teabag in a cup..

And would your parents have left a meeting with their boss to entertain private visitors at their place of work? Because that is the equivalent for people are working from home.

AlwaysExtraHot · 08/09/2026 18:04

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 15:27

Well, I'm assuming neither of these people is the CEO of Shell Oil, so I guess they could have found five minutes.

This may blow your mind, but even people who are not the CEO of Shell Oil sometimes have meetings or interviews that can't just be wandered out of because they need to make a cup of tea for someone.
I think some people on here have never had (or been able to hold down?) a job. A lot of posters just don't seem to get how meetings and interviews work. Even for those of us who are lowly and not CEOs.

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 18:02

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 17:54

Probably because they wouldn’t get in as they’d all be at work or someone who didn’t work and never left the house was there to pander to them and was desperate for company.

Times change.

A home with two parents working ft, a son who is at university and one who is working to get there isn’t a dysfunctional household.

Both my parents worked full time and I was at school and did loads of extra curricular stuff but we could still give someone a cup of tea. In fact, we often entertained. Maybe people are less sociable now. Nobody goes down the pub anymore, do they. I just dont understand why you'd have to go and lie down in a darkened room for a week with a sack full of of paracetamol if you had to.put a teabag in a cup..

SixtySomething · 08/09/2026 17:57

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 17:43

But some people do dislike their MIL. I don’t. I love mine and I know my son’s fiancée loves me.

My son and her both wfh.

I would NEVER disturb them when they’re working.

It’s common courtesy not to.

Congratulations to you all.
Yes, indeed , some women dislike their MIL and sometimes most unreasonably.
I think it’s most dislikable to sneakily attack your MIL by posting a one-sided story on MN.

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 17:54

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 17:17

No, I just think families seem overly invested in being up their own arses these days.. And I think a lot of people arent interested in older relatives unless there's something in it for them. There's a loss of community and kindness these days. People are so quick to blame relatives for having the audacity to take up a moment of their time. Maybe it is a reflection of how overstretched we've all become. I think it's sad. Just think of the old days in the East End for example......when people just used to turn up on each other's doorsteps . I can't imagine someone from back then sitting for 2 hours being ignored by their family without even a cup if tea.

Probably because they wouldn’t get in as they’d all be at work or someone who didn’t work and never left the house was there to pander to them and was desperate for company.

Times change.

A home with two parents working ft, a son who is at university and one who is working to get there isn’t a dysfunctional household.

DrWatsonsWalklingStick · 08/09/2026 17:53

ColadhSamh · 08/09/2026 07:24

It's all very formal and organised. Why was she visiting on a working day and not at the weekend? Does she visit often and how far had she travelled? Let your husband deal with his mother. She is his responsibility. Perhaps in future he could go and visit her when he can fit her into his schedule.
Turning up early is on her but the formality of it all suggests a distant relationship. Is there a FIL?
Too much drama and detail from all.

I don't think it is overly formal to agree an arrival time if someone is visiting? In fact, if i was going to visit a friend for the day, and they said, "oh, it's informal, arrive any time!" I'd pin them down for a time, or at least a time to arrive after. Likewise, if a friend was visiting, and they said, "oh, no need to be formal, we will just arrive whenever we feel like it!" I'd feel a bit flummoxed.
I don't think I'm unusual in that.

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 17:51

rookiemere · 08/09/2026 17:27

Gosh it’s almost as if WFH is a modern day concept made possible by home computers. Not much of a chance for an afternoon knees up with Ethel if she was away at her job with nobody in the house. Or maybe the problem is those working wimmin, it was much better when all they were doing was some housework that could easily be postponed.

😂

QueenietheGreat · 08/09/2026 17:49

@DrivingHomeToYou
I'd have told her that she was too early and that I still have work in/from my home office to do?
Because for some of us its now how we earn our wage as if we were going out to the city but instead we work hard from our own homes

So the same office rules will still apply
Hopefully with as few interruptions as possible........

AMillionPeopleCheering · 08/09/2026 17:48

This was my mum's game for a while. Drove me nuts and we ended up falling out over it big time. I got the whole 'I'm obviously not welcome' crying routine too. She was welcome, but like you, I also had to work. She then switched to different games. The 'refusing to cross my threshold without a formal invitation to come in' game went on for a long time. The next game was whenever I expressed an opinion on something, she'd do the exact opposite, even if it was stupid. So I just got my brother to ask her instead because she will fall over herself to do anything he wants. We're now in the refusing to come round at all or even phone stage of the game, all whilst sobbing how much she misses me. It's exhausting.

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 17:47

PissedOffAutistic · 08/09/2026 17:22

Surely you understand that there are some jobs where you cannot just walk out of a meeting / interview?

Course I do. But I doubt that this wascot.

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 17:43

SixtySomething · 08/09/2026 16:45

Exactly, that’s why I said these posts are not nice. They’re written to make you think OP is hard done by and rouse the ‘I hate my MIL ‘ pack.
I guess it was the other poster who said ‘tantrum’.

But some people do dislike their MIL. I don’t. I love mine and I know my son’s fiancée loves me.

My son and her both wfh.

I would NEVER disturb them when they’re working.

It’s common courtesy not to.

SixtySomething · 08/09/2026 17:42

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 17:30

You have to try and see this outwith your experience of being a MIL.

We all look at things from within our perspective. One thing I’m sure about, it’s very odd to post about a family member like this. Surely the whole point of the post is self justification, so MIL is certain to look unreasonable.
One thing I do know from experience, this won’t have happened in isolation; there’s bound to be a lot of background. We only hear the curated angle.

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 17:39

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 16:43

Wow poor boo boo worked and drank so hard that he couldn’t wake up at 2-30 pm!

He did wake up then though, chatted to his Granny and fixed her phone.

eltondon · 08/09/2026 17:36

ArtieChoke · 08/09/2026 17:33

And I think a lot of people arent interested in older relatives unless there's something in it for them

I actually think many people are interested in older relatives, if the older relative handles the situation wisely

my father would see my dd2 about 3 times a week, he knew if he text her "sign for a drink at x place, if you fancy coming along it'd be great to see you" It would be during her early shift at work (he knew which shifts she worked and when) and he would be going along at a time after she finished work but would mean she would pop in on her way home.

nine times about of ten she would meet up with him, it was an easy half and hour or 45 minutes on the way home and it was a good fit. No pressure as he would be there anyway

dd was interested in him, they had a great relationship regardless of the 60 years between them

@ArtieChoke This is really key , how the grandparent handles the relationship. My DM is a very loving grandmother but spends all her time lecturing her grandkids. They run from her now, I ensure they do spend some time with her but I don’t really enforce a huge amount

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 17:35

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 16:35

Dont be so daft.

You off today?

ThePurpleShark · 08/09/2026 17:35

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 17:17

No, I just think families seem overly invested in being up their own arses these days.. And I think a lot of people arent interested in older relatives unless there's something in it for them. There's a loss of community and kindness these days. People are so quick to blame relatives for having the audacity to take up a moment of their time. Maybe it is a reflection of how overstretched we've all become. I think it's sad. Just think of the old days in the East End for example......when people just used to turn up on each other's doorsteps . I can't imagine someone from back then sitting for 2 hours being ignored by their family without even a cup if tea.

Even in the East End, did people really have such a life of leisure they could just drop everything and do nothing all afternoon but nattering away with a cup of tea? Back in real life, even in the East End people had a life and things to do 😂

MidLifeMayhem · 08/09/2026 17:34

I can’t believe some of the responses on here. Your husband has handled it well. I work from home and lots of people simply have no concept that working from home means working and you just can’t ’do your own thing’. To say you booked annual leave and should have just said at 2:30pm - I’m off - is not the reality in any workplace I have worked in during my 40 working years. Your children are now young adults and gran also needs to adjust to them doing their own thing, it’s not as if she has just dropped in from Australia and they haven’t seen her for a long time.

ArtieChoke · 08/09/2026 17:33

And I think a lot of people arent interested in older relatives unless there's something in it for them

I actually think many people are interested in older relatives, if the older relative handles the situation wisely

my father would see my dd2 about 3 times a week, he knew if he text her "sign for a drink at x place, if you fancy coming along it'd be great to see you" It would be during her early shift at work (he knew which shifts she worked and when) and he would be going along at a time after she finished work but would mean she would pop in on her way home.

nine times about of ten she would meet up with him, it was an easy half and hour or 45 minutes on the way home and it was a good fit. No pressure as he would be there anyway

dd was interested in him, they had a great relationship regardless of the 60 years between them

LittleWeasel · 08/09/2026 17:32

It’s not Lunar New Year in South Korea where children and grandchildren ceremoniously bow to their parents/grandparents. It’s turning up unexpectedly early on a working day in the week.

Daisymail · 08/09/2026 17:32

YANBU - some of the responses on here are batshit!

It was her choice to arrive 2.5 hours early despite being told you would be working until 2:30.

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 17:30

SixtySomething · 08/09/2026 16:24

‘please don’t fall out with us son’

I think the natural interpretation is that the DAD is scared of what might happen. Otherwise, he would have said ‘please don’t upset your mother.’
Anyhow, as a pp said, since OP is so sure of herself, why post at all?
What I dislike about these threads is that we only have selected information, so can’t give a fair judgement. The post simply serves to whip up anti MIL feelings, which can be shockingly cruel and violent, not to mention dismissive .
It makes me shudder for the poor MILs these women have ( if they actually have a MIL at all, and don’t just hate women.

You have to try and see this outwith your experience of being a MIL.

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