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MIL situation after she arrived early

889 replies

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 04:59

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

OP posts:
BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 18:36

ThePurpleShark · 08/09/2026 16:54

If I had a hangover and was in bed, you could ring the doorbell as much as you wan't, I wouldn't bother letting you in 😂.I didn't invite you, why should I

(wouldn't happen now with young kids, but the principle is the same!)

Why on earth should someone would work late, then had a bit of fun with friends be dragged out of bed because his diva grand-mother decided to intrude without being invited , and specifically told not to come until a certain time!

She KNEW she was not welcome, she decided to ignore it. I would absolutely leave my kid in bed.

HE DID NOT GET OUT OF BED UNTIL 4-30

grandma was invited at 2-30.

he was still rude even if she’d arrived on time

NotAtMyAge · 08/09/2026 18:35

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 17:17

No, I just think families seem overly invested in being up their own arses these days.. And I think a lot of people arent interested in older relatives unless there's something in it for them. There's a loss of community and kindness these days. People are so quick to blame relatives for having the audacity to take up a moment of their time. Maybe it is a reflection of how overstretched we've all become. I think it's sad. Just think of the old days in the East End for example......when people just used to turn up on each other's doorsteps . I can't imagine someone from back then sitting for 2 hours being ignored by their family without even a cup if tea.

OP's MiL is mid-60s, so not exactly old. I had my 80th birthday in the spring and wouldn't dream of acting so inconsiderately with our two children and their families. MiL arrived extremely early when her son and DiL were still working. The least she could do was look after herself until they were free at the arranged time. Just basic good manners in the middle of a busy work period involving other colleagues.

SixtySomething · 08/09/2026 18:34

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 18:21

That’s what the forum is for.

I don’t know why you say that.
I would have thought the purpose was to seek advice/ help, not to solicit a hate-in without personal responsibility for a close family member.
After all, it’s clear in advance there are many posters eager to join in a MIL attack with belittling language. So it’s not exactly that the OP has much to lose.

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 18:34

NotAtMyAge · 08/09/2026 16:52

For the umpteenth time, he didn't know she was coming and his parents chose to leave him to sleep. When he woke up, he spent an hour chatting with his grandma and sorted out a problem with her phone. Was he supposed to dance attendance on her all afternoon?

For the umpteenth time, if his parents didn’t tell him and didn’t wake him up (at 2-30 before anyone else starts getting obtuse about early arrival which is not relevant here) then the parents are rude and no surprise their sons turned out rude

ILoveMyCaravan · 08/09/2026 18:29

I am 100% with you on this @DrivingHomeToYou on every aspect, kids, dogs, work, everything… I would have done exactly the same.

I worked from home for 25 years. When the kids were babies my mother would come over on the pretext of “babysitting” whilst I worked. It always turned out that she expected me to look after her whilst she bounced a baby on her knee. My job wasn’t seen as important as I’m a woman, wife and mother first. My job was seen as a bit of a distraction to do whenever I was bored.

Same with phone calls during the working day. She’d phone up for a chat or see if I’d been out shopping… No mother I’ve been working!!

Some people just choose not to get it. I really wished I’d had the conversation with her that your DH had with his mum.

She does owe you both an apology for the massive disrespect she’s shown you.

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 08/09/2026 18:25

I don’t get I hate MIL vibes from Op. It sounds like she and dh thought they had a nice chat and lunch with MIL and were bemused at her message.

MIL clearly doesn’t hate Op as she’s moaning she’s not seen enough of her. MIL had her son there all to herself whilst Op finished off interviews and walked the dogs.

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 18:25

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 18:13

No. She was the guest.

Who was two and a half hours early!

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 18:24

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 18:21

That’s what the forum is for.

Some people haven’t grasped that forums don’t tend to be from both sides of the story. Unless mil would like to pop on and give her side? 😂

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 18:22

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 18:02

Both my parents worked full time and I was at school and did loads of extra curricular stuff but we could still give someone a cup of tea. In fact, we often entertained. Maybe people are less sociable now. Nobody goes down the pub anymore, do they. I just dont understand why you'd have to go and lie down in a darkened room for a week with a sack full of of paracetamol if you had to.put a teabag in a cup..

And where has that scenario been discussed?

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 18:22

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 18:13

No. She was the guest.

Why would she be gasping though?

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 18:21

SixtySomething · 08/09/2026 17:57

Congratulations to you all.
Yes, indeed , some women dislike their MIL and sometimes most unreasonably.
I think it’s most dislikable to sneakily attack your MIL by posting a one-sided story on MN.

That’s what the forum is for.

2Rebecca · 08/09/2026 18:19

What has she done before when visiting

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 18:19

SixtySomething · 08/09/2026 17:42

We all look at things from within our perspective. One thing I’m sure about, it’s very odd to post about a family member like this. Surely the whole point of the post is self justification, so MIL is certain to look unreasonable.
One thing I do know from experience, this won’t have happened in isolation; there’s bound to be a lot of background. We only hear the curated angle.

That’s what I pointed out. Your experience. Everyone has different experiences.

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 18:18

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 18:13

No. She was the guest.

Is she not capable of putting a teabag in a cup? She’s at her son’s home, no one should be standing on ceremony. Get in the kitchen and make yourself a cuppa like any other fully functioning grown woman in their son’s house would. She’s not that helpless is she?

2Rebecca · 08/09/2026 18:18

I wonder if you mentioning lunch confused her re the timings. I wouldn’t invite anyone for lunch at 2.30. If she is married it would be odd to have her for dinner and not her husband. Are you trying to see her too often? I would cut it down if she doesn’t understand working from home and arrange to meet her somewhere not in your house at a particular time in future maybe a café or park.

TallagallaPenguin · 08/09/2026 18:17

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 18:13

No. She was the guest.

You’d think if someone had such a rigid view of social rules as this, then they wouldn’t absolutely violate the “don’t arrive massively early when you’ve been told we’re busy” rule too.

Delatron · 08/09/2026 18:16

Coconutter24 · 08/09/2026 18:13

Why would they start earlier? They organised a time that suited them and fitted around work so they could spend the afternoon with MIL. MIL decided to turn up early! This is on her.
I can’t believe how many people are siding with the MIL.

I think it’s just a very vocal minority who keep repeating themselves over and over again and getting in to arguments (hmmmm like the MIL?) 93% still think OP is being reasonable here so most agree with her - it nearly unanimous…

AlwaysExtraHot · 08/09/2026 18:15

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 18:02

Both my parents worked full time and I was at school and did loads of extra curricular stuff but we could still give someone a cup of tea. In fact, we often entertained. Maybe people are less sociable now. Nobody goes down the pub anymore, do they. I just dont understand why you'd have to go and lie down in a darkened room for a week with a sack full of of paracetamol if you had to.put a teabag in a cup..

What a weird bunch of comments. I go down the pub regularly.
No one is saying the OP would have a physical or emotional problem making tea for her MIL per se. Just that she can't do it when she's in the middle of interviewing someone.

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 18:15

How can she be 65 and never worked? We are not the generation that didn’t do a day’s work after leaving school. If she really has never worked I can only imagine she’s had a very pampered life by her parents and then her husband.

Coconutter24 · 08/09/2026 18:13

WhisperingHi · 08/09/2026 06:46

Why didn’t you both start earlier that day, knowing you could then have finished at 12 and had a proper afternoon with your husbands mum?

Why would they start earlier? They organised a time that suited them and fitted around work so they could spend the afternoon with MIL. MIL decided to turn up early! This is on her.
I can’t believe how many people are siding with the MIL.

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 18:13

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 18:11

Exactly! Mil could have put a teabag in a cup without it resulting in having to lie in a darkened room for a week with a sackful of paracetamol. You’ve finally posted something that makes sense!

No. She was the guest.

TallagallaPenguin · 08/09/2026 18:12

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 18:07

Do you mean she’s gasping for a cup of tea? Why would she be doing that?

could be any of:

-Sudden freezing of her legs and hands
-Kettle and teabags locked in the safe
-House is a complex maze and route to kitchen is unknown
-To prove a point that she wants to be waited on despite everyone being busy

YourTaupeBiscuit · 08/09/2026 18:12

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 13:12

Why can’t she make her own tea for a couple of hours? She’s an adult, not a toddler. My son needed sleep after work and a night out. Why should making tea for a capable grandmother, who has turned up early, get priority over his sleep. Should he go and visit her on his schedule, after work at 2am and demand tea because it suits him to visit then? This was his sleep time, it doesn’t matter that it’s at a different time.

If this was his one chance to see her for a year, it would be different, but he sees her often and is seeing her at the weekend before leaving for uni.

OP most of these responders are goading you for some nasty reason. You've continually repeated yourself over and over. You're MIL is a petty selfish drama queen individual.

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 08/09/2026 18:11

The only explanation I can see for her being so early is she has no clue re your work hours and roles and thought half day holiday was just that and you’d be finishing up. So despite being told come after 2.30pm thought it won’t matter.
If she’s never worked and perhaps FIL had a 8-4 clock off type job she may just have no concept.
Not excusing her behaviour but it’s only explanation I can think of.

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 18:11

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 18:02

Both my parents worked full time and I was at school and did loads of extra curricular stuff but we could still give someone a cup of tea. In fact, we often entertained. Maybe people are less sociable now. Nobody goes down the pub anymore, do they. I just dont understand why you'd have to go and lie down in a darkened room for a week with a sack full of of paracetamol if you had to.put a teabag in a cup..

Exactly! Mil could have put a teabag in a cup without it resulting in having to lie in a darkened room for a week with a sackful of paracetamol. You’ve finally posted something that makes sense!