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Original poster

MIL situation after she arrived early

889 replies

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 04:59

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

OP posts:
SixAndJuliet · 08/09/2026 05:34

She’s fallen into that mindset of people not really being at work when they wfh. She’s learnt the hard way.

However - you booked an afternoon off and didn’t finish until 3pm? Claim at least part of that leave off!

Your son who had the night out was hiding from her. He’d had loads of sleep but didn’t want to be stuck hosting his nan so left it until you guys were. I’m a bit sceptical about the homework that needed to be done so desperately aswell.

Whoever opened the door to her at 12pm probably could have afforded her the extra couple of minutes to make her a drink. Did you not drink or eat yourself between starting work and 3pm?

All in all, not your fault, she was attended to from the time you told her to be there. Your adult kids could have done better though.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 08/09/2026 05:31

Sounds like someone who doesn't understand busy family life or thinks it should all stop for her. Turning up very early can be far ruder than being a little late.

TheSandgroper · 08/09/2026 05:31

If she didn’t get the attention she wanted first time around, she’s coming back in for another go. Never reward a tantrum.

BlueMum16 · 08/09/2026 05:31

Maraudingmarauders · 08/09/2026 05:11

I think 6 of one, half a dozen of another.
She shouldn’t have turned up early. That’s basic. You weren’t free until 2.30 which she knew. That’s on her and she should be reminded of that. your work over running - can’t be helped although if I’d taken annual leave I’d have been firm about leaving on time personally, because I think boundaries are important.
Your youngest could have stayed with his nan for longer, especially given she was early and you both were working. It would have been polite for him to make her a drink and hang around until one of you had finished and come down. It would have been nice to have stayed longer and done his work later but if he didn’t know what time she was leaving I can understand him not wanting to delay indefinitely. Your eldest presumably knew his Nan was visiting that afternoon and should have got out of bed. Even if he got in at 5am he would have had 6-7hours sleep by that point and he’s a student, he’s used to working in much less. I think staying in is room was rude. He should have stuck his head round the door and said “oh gosh you’re early Nan, let me shower and sort myself out and I’ll be down” and then spent some time with her. Walking the dogs depends on the dogs. If they’re going to mither because they’re walked at 4pm in the dot every day we’d take them out to save the agro but otherwise they could have waited. I think a lot could have been helped by communication - “mom are you staying for a while after dinner as we need to walk the dogs at some point, so just need to decide when is best?” - we always have conversations like that when people are visiting. But equally I don’t think leaving DH with his mom for 30mins is rude but I suppose added to the rest and I can see why she felt like an after thought squeezed in.
Mostly I’d get DH to point out that you’d both taken time off work to see her, but that she’d arrived 2 hours early and why was that? It threw everyone off their schedules and caused some confusion as everyone had expected her to arrive and then stay later to have more quality time together once the chores were done.

My thoughts exactly.

TruffleSlinky · 08/09/2026 05:25

YANBU and she was rude to turn up early and then expect everyone to drop everything and entertain her. She sounds like a PITA.

Mumtotornadoes · 08/09/2026 05:24

"sorry you feel that way, that's why we told you not to come before 2.30"

ElefantAndCastle · 08/09/2026 05:22

Your children could have done better.

pinkfondu · 08/09/2026 05:19

I don’t think any of the other stuff would have bothered her as much if she had arrived at 2:30.

some people think when you wfh you are free to do what you want. She needs to understand it’s the same as arriving whikst you are in the office!

Crissy81 · 08/09/2026 05:18

From her perspective, kids staying in their rooms may have been rude as she didnt know the reasons behind it. Do they get on with her? Does she have far to travel? Do you see her often? It can be frustrating especially when she might not see you as much as she likes, but you both work and kids are much older. My Ex-MIL would always make a big deal out of dropping in, I didnt mind especially as my own parents are stereotypical boomers, but it would become exhausting knowing if we didnt drop everything she would sulk about it for several weeks…But then I kind of understood her frustration especially as she had nobody else…Although for good reason she was generally a spiteful bitch…So, no I dont think from what you have said you were unreasonable, but her frustrations might also be reasonable…But equally not your problem to resolve.

thepariscrimefiles · 08/09/2026 05:14

She sounds annoying and up her own arse. She was the one who knew that you and your DH were both working but she still turned up earlier than agreed.

Your DH made her lunch and you invited her to stay for dinner but she refused.

Is this unusual behaviour from her or has she always been demanding and self-centred? If it is the latter, I would stop inviting her and let your DH visit her when he isn't working.

AndImVictoriaMalcolm · 08/09/2026 05:13

Honestly I think she was rude to arrive over 2 hours early. Has she said why she did that? Your youngest probably shut himself in his room because he sensed an atmosphere. My kids are like that. Usually when my mother visits. She’s another one who arrives hours earlier than we arrange and gets difficult when she’s told she’s come at a bad time.

Maraudingmarauders · 08/09/2026 05:11

I think 6 of one, half a dozen of another.
She shouldn’t have turned up early. That’s basic. You weren’t free until 2.30 which she knew. That’s on her and she should be reminded of that. your work over running - can’t be helped although if I’d taken annual leave I’d have been firm about leaving on time personally, because I think boundaries are important.
Your youngest could have stayed with his nan for longer, especially given she was early and you both were working. It would have been polite for him to make her a drink and hang around until one of you had finished and come down. It would have been nice to have stayed longer and done his work later but if he didn’t know what time she was leaving I can understand him not wanting to delay indefinitely. Your eldest presumably knew his Nan was visiting that afternoon and should have got out of bed. Even if he got in at 5am he would have had 6-7hours sleep by that point and he’s a student, he’s used to working in much less. I think staying in is room was rude. He should have stuck his head round the door and said “oh gosh you’re early Nan, let me shower and sort myself out and I’ll be down” and then spent some time with her. Walking the dogs depends on the dogs. If they’re going to mither because they’re walked at 4pm in the dot every day we’d take them out to save the agro but otherwise they could have waited. I think a lot could have been helped by communication - “mom are you staying for a while after dinner as we need to walk the dogs at some point, so just need to decide when is best?” - we always have conversations like that when people are visiting. But equally I don’t think leaving DH with his mom for 30mins is rude but I suppose added to the rest and I can see why she felt like an after thought squeezed in.
Mostly I’d get DH to point out that you’d both taken time off work to see her, but that she’d arrived 2 hours early and why was that? It threw everyone off their schedules and caused some confusion as everyone had expected her to arrive and then stay later to have more quality time together once the chores were done.

Houndsahollering · 08/09/2026 05:06

Not unreasonable at all, it’s not like she didn’t know that you and husband have jobs.
Why did she decide to rock up 2 hours before she was expected? Does she lose the ability to boil a kettle once she crosses your threshold?
Easily solved in future though - if she wants to visit when you’re working just say no!

Greyhound98 · 08/09/2026 05:05

Did you make the arrangements for her to come after 2.30 by text? If so, screenshot it and send it back to her.