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Original poster

MIL situation after she arrived early

889 replies

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 04:59

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 08/09/2026 06:14

She is being unreasonable. She knew you were working until 2.30pm, she could make her own drink.

Ismellarathmmm · 08/09/2026 06:14

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 06:05

My oldest didn’t know she was here so couldn’t have done better.

My youngest could have put off his work til later but I’ve explained why he didn’t want to do that and I’m proud of him for taking college seriously as he’s been so anxious about it. I think MIL should have understood it was his first day, he’d been nervous and wanted to get the work done asap. She also knew he had football training later so he had a window to get the work done in.

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Regardless of all of this reasoning, she's an older lady and I'd never ever have treated my grandmother like that.

Theres life and routine etc but then there's family and older family members, and having a bit of give & patience in life.

This forum does not represent the majority of the population, people are very harsh and black and white on here.

In reality, it wouldn't have killed your child to make her a cup of tea and spend 30 mins with her. I can see why she didn't understand and feels upset.

Original poster
DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 06:12

marvelousmarmaladian · 08/09/2026 06:08

Re your eldest. Bang on his door. Offer toast ( or even better a bacon sandwich). Works a treat. Been there done that.

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I think he should be allowed to sleep. He has worked 60 hours a week most weeks over the summer and had a night out to say goodbye to his workmates.

If someone banged on the door when I had only had a few hours sleep, they wouldn’t get a nice reply.

And we were working so no time to make him food anyway!

OP posts:
ShrinkyDinkyPetal · 08/09/2026 06:12

Did you invite her for lunch? Or tell her you'd booked half days. as I'd be turning up way before 2.30pm if so! Sounds more like you gave her a time though so thats on her.

As she was only stayed a few hours she can't have made a huge journey, so I'm not sure why the need for booking half days. That does sound like you'd be dedicating time to her so maybe she felt it was more of a focused visit. Prehaps it was a bad day to you as a family to choose for this.

If you didn't start work until 10 then you could have walked the dogs earlier, that part could definitely be improved.

blondeboobshell · 08/09/2026 06:11

your dh should message and say, “ that’s fine probably best not to arrange catch ups on work days going forward”

HangryHippos · 08/09/2026 06:11

I agree with others, it was unreasonable for her to turn up so early and then expect to be entertained/ hosted. And then she cut her nose off to spite her face by leaving at 5.30 when you were actually available to spend time with her!

Rightsraptor · 08/09/2026 06:10

Your MiL was unreasonable in turning up early & being expected to be entertained and she's ridiculous in having sent the message she did. She was given a time, which she ignored, so it's her fault.

Don't apologise to her, just remind her of the agreed arrival time, and don't get any further involved.

Luddite26 · 08/09/2026 06:09

I don't think any of you did anything wrong.
I can't stand people who turn up early trying to push their own agenda. She could have stayed later with you and had dinner but chose not to.
I don't think any of you did anything wrong.
I think she's been very rude.
Has she a record of being like this cos I wouldn't be bothering again. Older/adult kids don't have to act like children who need parental supervision when someone calls at your house it's not the 1950s.
Let husband sort it out. I wouldn't be putting myself out (wasting an afternoon off on her) again.💐

MissChanandlerBonng · 08/09/2026 06:08

I think you could have walked the dogs later as a one off. The rest, yanbu

But personally, I probably would have woken DC up and also made a quick cup of tea

Original poster
DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 06:08

IDrinkTeaAllTheTime · 08/09/2026 05:51

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Is your MIL one of those people that thinks WFH isn’t a real job? I used to have friends and family who knew I’d be working from home and would just decide to pop by for a coffee and a chat because I was home anyway. This was before Covid made WFH more of a thing, but even now people still struggle to wrap their head around the concept.

I had to be firm and let them know that just because I was home, didn’t mean I was available - I still had to work during my contracted hours and that the same as they wouldn’t just show up at an office, the same applies at home.

MIL has never worked. She has previously expected us to drop everything to take her places because we are at home, completely ignoring the working part. It’s frustrating.

OP posts:
marvelousmarmaladian · 08/09/2026 06:08

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 06:05

My oldest didn’t know she was here so couldn’t have done better.

My youngest could have put off his work til later but I’ve explained why he didn’t want to do that and I’m proud of him for taking college seriously as he’s been so anxious about it. I think MIL should have understood it was his first day, he’d been nervous and wanted to get the work done asap. She also knew he had football training later so he had a window to get the work done in.

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Re your eldest. Bang on his door. Offer toast ( or even better a bacon sandwich). Works a treat. Been there done that.

ElefantAndCastle · 08/09/2026 06:07

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 06:05

My oldest didn’t know she was here so couldn’t have done better.

My youngest could have put off his work til later but I’ve explained why he didn’t want to do that and I’m proud of him for taking college seriously as he’s been so anxious about it. I think MIL should have understood it was his first day, he’d been nervous and wanted to get the work done asap. She also knew he had football training later so he had a window to get the work done in.

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Why didn't you tell your oldest? It's a two minutes info to deliver.
Your youngst could have done the homework later. Very convenient.

marvelousmarmaladian · 08/09/2026 06:06

Yep. No matter how hungover my DS would get himself out of bed to sit with his grandparents who had come to visit. The other DS would have put off his homework until the afternoon. Your DS are BU.

Original poster
DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 06:05

ElefantAndCastle · 08/09/2026 06:01

I still think your children could have done better. British or not.

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My oldest didn’t know she was here so couldn’t have done better.

My youngest could have put off his work til later but I’ve explained why he didn’t want to do that and I’m proud of him for taking college seriously as he’s been so anxious about it. I think MIL should have understood it was his first day, he’d been nervous and wanted to get the work done asap. She also knew he had football training later so he had a window to get the work done in.

OP posts:
ElefantAndCastle · 08/09/2026 06:01

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 06:00

And so we were working, in meetings and interviewing. We can’t step out to entertain guests. My husband excused himself to quickly let MIL in but his colleague was waiting to continue their meeting.

I’ve explained about our children.

I’m not British either.

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I still think your children could have done better. British or not.

Nofeckingway · 08/09/2026 06:00

Let your DH deal with his people

Original poster
DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 06:00

ThisOliveKoala · 08/09/2026 05:52

Your children aren’t the most polite imo, I can imagine if my mum turns up early to my home. I wfh I can step away for a few minutes to make her a cup of tea.

As children there is no way we would have stayed in our room whilst our grandmother sat downstairs twiddling her thumbs.

Then again I’m not British so maybe it’s a culture thing. In my culture what happened to your MIL is extremely rude and would never happen. Yes she came a couple of hours early and so?

And so we were working, in meetings and interviewing. We can’t step out to entertain guests. My husband excused himself to quickly let MIL in but his colleague was waiting to continue their meeting.

I’ve explained about our children.

I’m not British either.

OP posts:
Btc76 · 08/09/2026 06:00

ThisOliveKoala · 08/09/2026 05:52

Your children aren’t the most polite imo, I can imagine if my mum turns up early to my home. I wfh I can step away for a few minutes to make her a cup of tea.

As children there is no way we would have stayed in our room whilst our grandmother sat downstairs twiddling her thumbs.

Then again I’m not British so maybe it’s a culture thing. In my culture what happened to your MIL is extremely rude and would never happen. Yes she came a couple of hours early and so?

This post makes the point best. The culture towards elder family members shown here is illustrative of a lot. Many other cultures are much more positive toward elder members

Original poster
DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 05:56

SixAndJuliet · 08/09/2026 05:34

She’s fallen into that mindset of people not really being at work when they wfh. She’s learnt the hard way.

However - you booked an afternoon off and didn’t finish until 3pm? Claim at least part of that leave off!

Your son who had the night out was hiding from her. He’d had loads of sleep but didn’t want to be stuck hosting his nan so left it until you guys were. I’m a bit sceptical about the homework that needed to be done so desperately aswell.

Whoever opened the door to her at 12pm probably could have afforded her the extra couple of minutes to make her a drink. Did you not drink or eat yourself between starting work and 3pm?

All in all, not your fault, she was attended to from the time you told her to be there. Your adult kids could have done better though.

Lots of questions,

My work are quite flexible but I often start work later and finish later to cross over with US colleagues. I had only started work at 10.30am so working til just before 3pm is only just over a half day. My husband does similar.

My son wasn’t hiding from her. He was sleeping off a very heavy night of drinking. He got in at 8am. You can be as skeptical as you like about the homework but my sons first day of sixth form was a big deal to him and he’s very anxious about keeping up so wanted to make sure it was done. He also had football training later so didn’t want to leave it and then realise it took longer than he thought.

My husband opened the door and was in the middle of a meeting. I was interviewing. Neither of us could have a chat or make tea at that time. We had breakfast at 10 so no, I only had water til 3pm.

OP posts:
ThisOliveKoala · 08/09/2026 05:52

Your children aren’t the most polite imo, I can imagine if my mum turns up early to my home. I wfh I can step away for a few minutes to make her a cup of tea.

As children there is no way we would have stayed in our room whilst our grandmother sat downstairs twiddling her thumbs.

Then again I’m not British so maybe it’s a culture thing. In my culture what happened to your MIL is extremely rude and would never happen. Yes she came a couple of hours early and so?

IDrinkTeaAllTheTime · 08/09/2026 05:51

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Is your MIL one of those people that thinks WFH isn’t a real job? I used to have friends and family who knew I’d be working from home and would just decide to pop by for a coffee and a chat because I was home anyway. This was before Covid made WFH more of a thing, but even now people still struggle to wrap their head around the concept.

I had to be firm and let them know that just because I was home, didn’t mean I was available - I still had to work during my contracted hours and that the same as they wouldn’t just show up at an office, the same applies at home.

Iloveacurry · 08/09/2026 05:50

‘Sorry you feel that way, but we did say to come at 2.30’.

Original poster
DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 05:42

ElefantAndCastle · 08/09/2026 05:22

Your children could have done better.

My youngest wanted to do his college work, so he asked how she was, chatted about college and then went to do his work. He came down to see her as soon as he was finished. My oldest have no idea she was here but she is saying he must have heard her arrive and so ignored her. He was asleep having drank a lot and would have slept through an earthquake! She said we should have woke him then and made him go and speak to her. When he got up and realised she was here, he chatted to her for the remaining time she was here. He also sorted out a problem she had with her phone for her.

I don’t think they could have done better.

OP posts:
Bearbookagainandagain · 08/09/2026 05:42

Does she live far from you?
She was wrong to show up early and then complain.

But I can also understand her position. It was the wrong day for her to come, 2:30pm is late to start an afternoon visit if she wasn't planning to stay for dinner.

It would have been better to decline and reschedule to another day where everyone is a bit more available. Or invite her for dinner instead.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/09/2026 05:34

Why did she want to visit on a working day, during your working hours ?

She wouldn't have turned up if you both had been working in an office in a town somewhere - would she ?

What was wrong with her visiting on a weekend day i.e. the previous day Sunday or waiting until Saturday ?

did she travel far.

I would never expect a teenager or older to want to see a visiting older relative - it's boring for them and besides the younger one had things to do.

If you both worked in ASDA or drove trains or were teachers in a school she wouldn't turn up to your place/s of work - would she ?

Time to set some boundaries - No sorry Mum we are both at work on Monday.

Why did you both book the afternoon off ? just for her to visit ? surely not.
did she travel miles from a distant town ?

tho booking the ' afternoon ' off should be from noon surely as it's in the word ' afternoon ' so from midday or 1pm and I suppose at a push 2pm.