MIL situation after she arrived early

Doesn’t matter who invited her. She was told to come AFTER 2:30pm.

YANBU except, that since you over ran work wise, I'd have asked have asked one of the children to walk the dogs. I'd also not agree to a meet up on a work day.

Some of these replies are ridiculous!!!

I wouldn’t even question yourself Op. just reply “as we said before, come round any time after 2:30pm as we were working until then”. End of discussion!!

I find it hard to believe your youngest had over 3 hours worth of homework in their first day 🤔. You said they arrived home at 1pm and then didn’t appear till 30 mins before she left….

MIL is a fool. Who turns up over 2 hours early to a busy house on a Monday and expects everything just to be dropped for them? She must think she's royalty.

Out of interest who chose the day of the visit? If mil invited herself on a weekday she can expect to fit into family life. If you invited her then, she was right to assume you all had time for her.

However, obviously turning up 2 hours early is ridiculous either way. After all, ds2 would have had time to do his work at 1 if she'd come when you said ! And outside of special occasions / meals I'd say the 'in law' not spending every second with the parent is pretty normal in our family. My bils and dh wouldn't think twice about doing a half hour dog walk / work call/ bit of DIY/ shopping while their wives chatted to their own parent, as long as they stopped to say hello to them too. Although reflecting on it I'd probably be very apologetic to mil if I needed to, but that's a gendered people pleasing thing!

There's probably an aspect of getting used to grandchildren growing up and doing their own thing too. She assumed if you said 'we'd' be free in the afternoon that would mean all of you, whereas you meant you and Dh maybe. We are obviously lucky with my parents who understand teen dd has her own life now. But that's on her being unrealistic. The only thing I would say is if the visit was planned enough to take leave for, you could have texted you'd ds1 so he'd know it was happening! If 8 was him I'd certainly prefer to know there would be visitors when I got up.

But generally she is being very unreasonable so stand your ground, she was early, you have a busy life. Perhaps say if she wants a more formal visit with everyone there the whole time it will unfortunately need to be less often with 4 (almost) adults to plan round, so you didn't think she'd mind more casual catch ups with people in and out.

Although I feel a little for MIL that she didn’t have the afternoon she thought she would, blaming that all on you and your family is unfair. She is being a bit childish sending that message. She wants you to feel bad for her upset and I think that’s a very immature response. I wouldn’t be apologising but would take a conciliatory approach along the lines ‘Well, that didn’t work out so well this time, so what can we all do next time to make sure we get a chance to spend quality time together?’

It’s the perception of wfh isn’t it. She wouldn’t have been bothered about your children popping in and out of conversations if she’d had you two to talk at.

Does she get wfh? That from a focus pov, its the same as being in an office? I have had older friends who’ve needed to be educated on this. They just assume it’s doing some work on a laptop during the day, fitting it round your life but not needing to prioritise it or keep to a meeting schedule.

Don't worry about it. None of you needed to do any better, MIL did.

Did you tell her you had booked a half day so she thought you would finish at 12 and everything that came after that made her feel like you were doing it deliberately?

'As you know we often work with the US so our half days didn't finish until 2.30 which is why we told you to come over then. It is lucky we were not in the office otherwise you would have been sitting on the doorstep'.

It also sounds like she hasn't quite got her head round the boys being older now and having their own lives, I don't think there is any point even acknowledging a lot of her complaints.

Just curious what "stereotypical boomers" means?

My Mum would’ve arrived, made herself a tea and a sandwich and cracked on with the ironing.

But it sounds like she’s a more formal guest. It’s not use you asking us if she’s unreasonable as she clearly thinks you were. And whether you go back to her and say well Mumsnet says blah blah it makes no difference. You’re always going to get anti MIL answers on here from posters who wouldn’t piss on their MIL if she was on fire.

It wouldn’t have hurt your eldest DS to get out of his pit and chat to his Gran would it? And could the college work have been postponed for a couple of hours?

But I find it difficult to believe that even though you and DH were WFH, you couldn’t have tagged teamed to ensure that his mum was looked after and not ignored.

I think you made a point of ignoring her out of chagrin that she was early.

I think people on here are being far too critical. You said for her to turn up at 2.30pm when you’d both be free (or one of you at least). I would just explain to her that this is why you said 2.30pm.
Your son coming in and doing college work - fab! Long may it continue.
Your other son - he didn’t know she was there and well, he’s older - does he need to run down to Grandma the minute she’s there? He said hello.

MIL must live fairly close by to only pop in for a few hours so I would just say to her that this is why you said 2.30pm and that you’re sorry that she was unable to work the kettle in your home. There is no need to criticise every member of your family - this is family life which surely she appreciates. Perhaps it’s better if she doesn’t pop over on a weekday any more.

In all honesty I wouldn't even bother encouraging him to discuss it with her. Realistically she won't take any notice of what he says, just like she didn't take any notice of the time he gave her or the fact you were both working. It will go in one ear and straight out the other.

I still can't get over how many posters are making all kinds of excuses for her though. It's wild to see the mental gymnastics at play to remove any blame when it's a situation of entirely her own making.

Skimmed your updates but does she come often? If she’s not over much I can see how it seemed rude of your sons to stay upstairs. In her view the eldest was still in bed by 4pm it seems? Since she left at 5.30 and you said he came down for an hour or so. That does seem pretty crazy, even after a heavy night out. The youngest was rude I think. My DS has just started college too and he’s barely been set any work yet. He had a lot to do over summer so I guess that’s why. I’d have asked him to sit with Gran and do college work later.

Having said all of this, she wouldn’t have been so upset had she turned up when you asked. If you said you’d booked the afternoon off though, she might have taken that to mean you were off ALL afternoon. Yes you said the thing about meetings till 2.30 but maybe in her head she thought you’d still be about a bit to have a cup of tea, I don’t know. Does she understand the premise of WFH? Some people don’t think it means you’re chained to the laptop in virtual meetings.

Do you think the people they were in meetings with should have rearranged their day too? And as MIL turned up 2.5 hours early should OP also be psychic and able to anticipate this?

I'm really amazed at how many people seem to be apologists for the MIL here.
The stuff about the boys should have got up/made her tea/not done homework... they're not little kids they are young adults who did not invite this guest themselves. They have no obligation to get up and formally entertain.

My granny used to just come in when we were all home from school, put the kettle on, sit with her tea in the kitchen, occasionally help my mum peel potatoes or whatever. We didn't specially go to her out of duty, if we went past we would talk because we loved her. If we were busy she would never guilt trip us.

You can't have closeness and formal respect at the same time, this MIL is wanting it both ways.

The OP has explained all this clearly in her posts.

You've done nothing wrong.
Explain that you had already told her that you're both working and she should come after 2.30. she chose to ignore that, that's on her.
Your kids don't need to change their plans just because she has decided to come over - I doubt they were the ones who invited her?

I'd tell dh to reply with something like "I dont understand you turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. You knew we couldnt socialise as we had to work and when you arrived could see we were in meetings. Perhaps its best we move catchups to weekends only as this seems to have been upsetting for you"

She sounds like my mil a nightmare

I’d write a very simple clear response.
’hi mum, I thought this was clear but since it’s clearly not, I’ll repeat it. We told you we were working until 2:30 and to come after then. You chose to come while we were working. We are unable to entertain you while we are working. If this upsets you, do not visit during our work hours. We enjoyed spending time with you yesterday, it’s a shame that you don’t seem to have had a nice time.’

Some of these replies are very eye opening. Apparently when you get older you can be incredibly rude and turn up hours early despite being given a clear time and expect everyone to drop everything immediately. Who knew.

YANBU at all.

Why didn’t you both start earlier that day, knowing you could then have finished at 12 and had a proper afternoon with your husbands mum?