MIL situation after she arrived early

YANBU, I can’t get over the turned up two hours early. When I’m WFH I don’t reliably hear the front door so would not have been around to let anyone in until say ten minutes before I expected them.

Your MIL is entitled. She thinks everyone should drop things for her and doesn’t accept your working when you are WFH. I would text back with “yeah, that’s why we said after 2:30 as DH and I were both working until then”. Keep it simple. Don’t go
into apologising.

In terms of the kids. I don’t think they did anything wrong. Sounds like my DC. Any MIL (or FIL) should be happy their GC are doing their college work and out working.

If either of my parents or DH’s come early they make their own drinks or sandwiches and sit and watch TV. They do not expect my children to change their schedules and commitments for them because they chose to visit when not scheduled (ie early) they would come and see GPs as soon as they could. But it would be our parents telling them it’s okay and get on with what they are supposed to be doing. In our family we’re all relaxed about these things but then we are all capable of making ourselves a drink and snack in each others homes.

You DID stop work on time - you knew you'd be finished with work at 2.30, which is why you told her 2.30. I hope DH has reminded her of that.

What a load of nonsense. I would never turn up that early but circumstances forced it I’d make myself a cup of tea and read/put a podcast on/let myself out and go for a walk.
This wasn’t an arranged visit to see the teens in their proper leisure time.
Honestly, what a fecking drama queen.
Someone should have made her a drink. Why? Put the kettle on yourself, woman.
I would absolutely grey rock.

She sounds utterly pathetic and self centred.

Of course I agree with that. My question was more linked to what happened after 2.30 with homework, dog walks etc. my parents would assume a term time Monday afternoon would be busy and not even think of visiting then unless we had specifically suggested it, so I was wondering whose idea of was.

The more I imagine my parents or mil in this situation, the more unreasonable she seems. My mil would definitely come with us on the dog walk, not expect the dogs not to be walked. They would both make their own cup of tea and never be rude enough to text about no one making one for them, even if they hadn't been early! They wouldn't even think if visiting on teen's first days of college, and if they did it would be all about making a fuss of them, not expecting the teen to be the one hosting.

Monday afternoon is not the best time for a visit with teens and working parents.
When you say she arranged to visit who did she arranged it with, your DH? She was obviously expecting a family gathering rather than popping in for a coffee.
Turning up over 2 hours early is just as rude as turning up 2 hours late so that's on her.
My teens see a lot of their grandparents but they absolutely wouldn't expect them to be available for a sit down chat in between school/football training or whatever during the week, that's just unrealistic.
You probably could have walked the dogs after she left though.

Why didn’t she help you out by walking your dogs if she arrived 2 hours early?
She thinks the world revolves around her.
YANBU.

I was going to say perhaps your DH could have just made her a quick cup of tea in between meetings but I’m not sure if he had a gap at all from what you say.

She clearly was in the wrong to arrive early having been told you’d been working until a particular time.

Thete are some people out there who can’t get their head around the fact that being early is rude - at least as rude as being late, if not more so, when it’s at someone’s house - that you have to listen to the time they say and not try to manipulate it earlier, or that wfh is working!

It's all very formal and organised. Why was she visiting on a working day and not at the weekend? Does she visit often and how far had she travelled? Let your husband deal with his mother. She is his responsibility. Perhaps in future he could go and visit her when he can fit her into his schedule.
Turning up early is on her but the formality of it all suggests a distant relationship. Is there a FIL?
Too much drama and detail from all.

OP, it’s been asked a couple of times - did she say why she arrived 2 hours early? Have you asked?

She was rude turning up early.

You were all busy until 2.30pm. It doesn’t actually particularly matter what you were all busy doing and whether your MIL considers it more or less important than her visit. She was invited from 2.30pm and turned up hours early to find the people who had told her they were busy until 2.30 busy.

Entirely on her.

Your MIL is an idiot and sounds suspiciously like my ex-MIL who had never worked a day in her life and just didn’t understand busy family life.

I’ll never forget her phoning 8 times in quick succession just as I’d got home from collecting DS from after school club and was trying to sort school bags, let the dog out, put the chickens away and feed the cats. She only wanted a bloody recipe - at 5.30 on a workday when it was chaos in our house.

None of you did anything wrong, she brought this on herself by turning up far too early.

Have you clearly replied “MIL we agreed a time of 2.30pm, why did you arrive at 12?”

DB and I found ways to deal with DF arriving early - but he was never that early!

I would push back hard on this - you said 2.30 for a reason. She completely ignored that, which is rude.

I’m a dreaded MIL and I wouldn’t dream of behaving like her.you did nothing wrong she was rude. I would expect a telling off from my son if I did this!

I don’t think any of you were unreasonable. I actually think it’s really rude to turn up unannounced and expect other people to drop their plans to accommodate you. When she complained that no one was here did you or your DH bring up that she came 2 hours early? I’m wondering whether there was some sort of mix up and she thought you said 12.30? If not she’s being ridiculous

Does your MIL live locally - or did she travel a long way to visit you ? How often do you see her?
i wonder if she’d got mixed up with the time- and it wasn’t stated clearly enough?
Is she single - a widower?
she sounds a bit lonely !

My DP do this and it drives me mad. Asked them to come round after DDs nap, they arrive 2 hours early just as I'd got her to sleep. Asked them for lunch at 12, they arrived at 10 when I was in the middle of a chat with the blinds salesperson about new blinds we wanted. Arranged to meet at the garden centre for a coffee at 3pm, half 1 get a call asking where we were. They turn up hours early for drs & hospital appointments. I've actually checked all their clocks to make sure they're not on the wrong time.

Anyway she was rude to arrive early and has no right to comment on how everyone behaved.

I see the point about the sixth former could have chatted to her and then done his work instead of doing his work and then chatting to her.

But the reality is, you let her know when she was welcome and she ignored that. Which was, to be frank, bloody rude of her. And that's probably what 'd be telling her in response to her whine. Not in quite those words, but in essence that's what I'd be saying. I'd probably suggest DH message back something along the lines of "Why do you think we asked invited you round at 2:30 not [what ever time she did turn up]? We don't want to be rude or waste your time mum, hence the invitation for a time we could make you a drink and enjoy spending time together."

In British culture it is shockingly, unheard of rude for a guest to turn up 2.5 hours early. Unless they are very close friends or family used to fitting in with life, in which case it's considered really rude to sit there with two arms the wan length expecting to be waited on. Did she really sit there pitifully not sticking on the kettle that is within sight or not fetching herself a glass of water for two hours just to prove a point? How pathetic. My MIL would've probably had a cake baked in that time, encouraged the college-working one, said "ah the folly of youth" about the brutally hungover one, and asked me about the interviews when I came down and would have offered to come on the dog walk. She's 82, English, and not completely wet.

My parents are like this and it’s so annoying. I have stopped arranging things with them during the week as they can’t respect boundaries. They always arrive early and act like needy children.

I dont think you are unreasonable. You gave a time and 2. 5 hours early is very early.

Your husbands mum should feel comfortable to make her own drink and not be offered like a guest. But I know some DIL feel that is over familiar and would crititse that, so maybe she was worried about overstepping, to give her the benefit of the doubt on that.

The only thing I wondered is does she drive or rely on public transport? as that can make getting somewhere at a specific time hard or staying later hard. But in that instance she shoukd communicate in advance that its a grest idea but due to transport can she arrive early or whatever.