MIL situation after she arrived early

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

I think 6 of one, half a dozen of another.
She shouldn’t have turned up early. That’s basic. You weren’t free until 2.30 which she knew. That’s on her and she should be reminded of that. your work over running - can’t be helped although if I’d taken annual leave I’d have been firm about leaving on time personally, because I think boundaries are important.
Your youngest could have stayed with his nan for longer, especially given she was early and you both were working. It would have been polite for him to make her a drink and hang around until one of you had finished and come down. It would have been nice to have stayed longer and done his work later but if he didn’t know what time she was leaving I can understand him not wanting to delay indefinitely. Your eldest presumably knew his Nan was visiting that afternoon and should have got out of bed. Even if he got in at 5am he would have had 6-7hours sleep by that point and he’s a student, he’s used to working in much less. I think staying in is room was rude. He should have stuck his head round the door and said “oh gosh you’re early Nan, let me shower and sort myself out and I’ll be down” and then spent some time with her. Walking the dogs depends on the dogs. If they’re going to mither because they’re walked at 4pm in the dot every day we’d take them out to save the agro but otherwise they could have waited. I think a lot could have been helped by communication - “mom are you staying for a while after dinner as we need to walk the dogs at some point, so just need to decide when is best?” - we always have conversations like that when people are visiting. But equally I don’t think leaving DH with his mom for 30mins is rude but I suppose added to the rest and I can see why she felt like an after thought squeezed in.
Mostly I’d get DH to point out that you’d both taken time off work to see her, but that she’d arrived 2 hours early and why was that? It threw everyone off their schedules and caused some confusion as everyone had expected her to arrive and then stay later to have more quality time together once the chores were done.

I don't think any of you did anything wrong.
I can't stand people who turn up early trying to push their own agenda. She could have stayed later with you and had dinner but chose not to.
I don't think any of you did anything wrong.
I think she's been very rude.
Has she a record of being like this cos I wouldn't be bothering again. Older/adult kids don't have to act like children who need parental supervision when someone calls at your house it's not the 1950s.
Let husband sort it out. I wouldn't be putting myself out (wasting an afternoon off on her) again.💐

My oldest didn’t know she was here so couldn’t have done better.

My youngest could have put off his work til later but I’ve explained why he didn’t want to do that and I’m proud of him for taking college seriously as he’s been so anxious about it. I think MIL should have understood it was his first day, he’d been nervous and wanted to get the work done asap. She also knew he had football training later so he had a window to get the work done in.

Although 2.30 is very late for lunch, particularly if invited to stay for dinner as well, so pp could be right maybe she could mistake it for 12.30, but even so, her mistake, not your fault . You say dh invited her for dinner as well in advance. Did she say then she wouldn't/ might not stay? If not it's pretty rude she flounced before dinner on the afternoon if you'd planned to cater for her.

In your culture, if MiL turned up at your door and you were working, you and DH would leave your jobs in the middle of whatever you were doing, abandon your meetings and the person you were interviewing, and entertain her? Which culture is this?

Your children aren’t the most polite imo, I can imagine if my mum turns up early to my home. I wfh I can step away for a few minutes to make her a cup of tea.

As children there is no way we would have stayed in our room whilst our grandmother sat downstairs twiddling her thumbs.

Then again I’m not British so maybe it’s a culture thing. In my culture what happened to your MIL is extremely rude and would never happen. Yes she came a couple of hours early and so?

I think 6 of one, half a dozen of another.
She shouldn’t have turned up early. That’s basic. You weren’t free until 2.30 which she knew. That’s on her and she should be reminded of that. your work over running - can’t be helped although if I’d taken annual leave I’d have been firm about leaving on time personally, because I think boundaries are important.
Your youngest could have stayed with his nan for longer, especially given she was early and you both were working. It would have been polite for him to make her a drink and hang around until one of you had finished and come down. It would have been nice to have stayed longer and done his work later but if he didn’t know what time she was leaving I can understand him not wanting to delay indefinitely. Your eldest presumably knew his Nan was visiting that afternoon and should have got out of bed. Even if he got in at 5am he would have had 6-7hours sleep by that point and he’s a student, he’s used to working in much less. I think staying in is room was rude. He should have stuck his head round the door and said “oh gosh you’re early Nan, let me shower and sort myself out and I’ll be down” and then spent some time with her. Walking the dogs depends on the dogs. If they’re going to mither because they’re walked at 4pm in the dot every day we’d take them out to save the agro but otherwise they could have waited. I think a lot could have been helped by communication - “mom are you staying for a while after dinner as we need to walk the dogs at some point, so just need to decide when is best?” - we always have conversations like that when people are visiting. But equally I don’t think leaving DH with his mom for 30mins is rude but I suppose added to the rest and I can see why she felt like an after thought squeezed in.
Mostly I’d get DH to point out that you’d both taken time off work to see her, but that she’d arrived 2 hours early and why was that? It threw everyone off their schedules and caused some confusion as everyone had expected her to arrive and then stay later to have more quality time together once the chores were done.

She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor A meeting ran over which cannot be helped by you but why not start earlier than 10 if you knew you had a visitor coming?

the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived. i agree with all of this.

Why didn’t you both start earlier that day, knowing you could then have finished at 12 and had a proper afternoon with your husbands mum?