MIL situation after she arrived early

Our dogs need their walks. They were already confused about being walked together which I did to be away less time. They were walked later on as well. They expect certain standards.
so do guests

God my dad does this, just trots in my house around 2/2.30 at least once a week waiting to say hello to my son who comes in from school at 3.20ish.
My husband tries to talk to him and work and I am sometimes there to make him a cuppa.
One day I had stuff to sew for an event I had coming up and thought sod it, you can sit in the sitting room whilst I work at the kitchen table.
He seemed a bit put out and awkward wondering why everyone was ignoring him...funnily enough he doesn't do it anymore!

We can’t step out to entertain guests

You describe your MIL as a guest and it seems she feels like a guest as well.

I would hope my mum and mil feel that my home is also their home and make themselves a cup of tea, lunch etc- maybe also make us lunch too while she's at it😀

This. I could be the MIL in this scenario, except I am a lot older. DDIL and DS regularly work from home, teenage DGC might be around, but I wouldn’t expect attention as soon as I arrive. I know how to get myself a drink, and would even make one for DDIL!

If they had said they were working, and I arrived before they were finished, that’s on me.

Try reading and you will see that we do know how old she is, how far she travelled, how often they see her.

By reading you would also understand why OP couldn’t start work earlier and know she was invited for dinner.

There is just so much wrong in your post.

Have you read any of OPs replies. 🤦‍♀️

No it's not a culture thing! I'm English. None of these things would have happened in my childhood home or my home when my kids were that age or my home now. I would however have asked the visitor why they turned up hours before they were expected and explained (several times if necessary, until they understood) why we had made the arrangement for that time.

If she had arrived when expected none of this would be a problem. Getting huffy and refusing dinner is cutting off her nose to spite her face.

Do you think she is showing signs of dementia and forgot? If not she is very rude!

My mum or dad will often arrive before I finish work on a Friday but am WFH. Both understand that I don’t finish until 6 so they will have to hang out or potter. They are fine with that. We did go through a phase of my mum especially phoning me in the middle of the day for a chat and me having to say that I was WFH, but once that boundary was established it has held fast.

I would however always offer them a drink before disappearing.

Nope, life keeps turning. That’s why you respond ‘Yes, well that’s exactly the reason why we are soliciting instructed you come at 2.30pm, to avoid these issues, so we are baffled why you turned up at 12pm when this would be the result?’.

Entirely MILs fault and why on earth she thinks she can dictate everyone’s schedule beggars belief.

response from DH should be be ‘sorry you were disappointed Mum but we did make clear we would be working til 2:30 and the kids may be otherwise occupied. We’d sorted dinner but you chose to leave at 5:30. Are we still on for next Sunday?’

Of course you’re not. I think people don’t take it seriously that wfh actually means you’re working. I’ve had friends and family drop in during my working day expecting me to be able to just close my laptop for an hour. If you’d been working in the office, she wouldn’t have been able to even get in the house. Outline what you’ve said in this post, in a message to her in a none confrontational way then draw a line under it.

OP, none of you were BU. MIL was VU having turned up over 2 hours early.

Your DH response needs to be - this is why we told you that we were not free until after 2.30pm

Arriving over 2 hours early is very unreasonable.

But I do think you didn’t plan the day very well. She would not have felt welcome or valued. Your meeting over running was unfortunate. I think starting work before 10.30am that day to have ensured a prompt finish would have been better. And if you took the dogs out for a walk for 30 minutes and she left at 5.30pm you won’t have seen her much at all. I suspect you felt annoyed with her arriving early. I would have too. But she obviously sensed that.

And it seems as though DS1 didn’t even know his grandmother was visiting (I agree I would not have woken him early but I think I would have woken him at lunchtime).

DS2 could have made his grandmother a cup of tea or coffee. I have a similar aged DS. I would be very disappointed if his nana arrived at our house when I was working and he didn’t offer her a drink and stay and chat. His work was apparently done in an hour or so. It could have waited.

None of this excuses her very early arrival. It seems as though you were so annoyed with her about that that she was made to feel unwelcome.

We don't know how old she is, how far she travelled (or how), how often you see her, or whether she is generally pleasant and helpful and good company.

From what you have said, I think there was fault on both sides.

So would you say it is just over 60’s that get a free pass to be rude, selfish and inconsiderate of other people’s lives or is it the status of grandmother?

Your MIL was too early so she needs to understand this. I would politely point this out to her so that she knows not to do it again or she’ll get the same treatment.

I hate people being late, but people who are hours early are just as insufferable.

@DrivingHomeToYou YANBU. And most posters agree with you that Mil is rude and entitled. I can't believe the posters who say you and your children were at fault! It must be sahms who don't understand the concept of working from home.

Two and twelve are completely different words.

It is why we teach small children what they both mean.

She’s a knob.

It depends what your job is - not all wfh is the same. Sometimes you might be on back to back calls with colleagues and managers so no you can't step away to make tea and chat for a few mins. In other jobs you might be handling a live, even emergency situation. You can't assume that because you wfh and you can do that, everyone can.

"Shirley, we said come after 2.30! We were always going to be busy before then. It was lovely seeing you - come again soon! X"

You've done a lot of justifying for yourself and the whole family, none of which you need to do!

This is on her for turning up early.

Short text, sorry you felt that way, but we did warn you we would be working until at least 2:30. Don't engage in any further discussion of it.

Going forward, you've got 2 options.

1. Invite her on a work day, greet her at the door, tell her to pop the kettle on and let her know how you and DH like your coffee.
2. Only invite her after hours or on the weekend. Personally, I'd go with after hours, so the visit can't go too long.

YANBU OP.

People need to read the OPs replies. Most of the questions being asked have been answered and wrong assumptions are being made.

It's entirely her fault for arriving so early and then sitting there seething for hours.

I’m in my 60’s and I think your MIL was very rude to turn up over 2 hours early and then expect to have everyone’s attention. She could easily have entertained herself and sat quietly not disturbing others.

I also think your DH needs to very firmly convey to her that she was unreasonably demanding as you were both working. Point out that if you’d been working elsewhere she wouldn’t be able to just pop in on a whim. Don’t let her get away with this nonsense as she’ll likely do it again.

Next time tell her no visits unless it’s the weekend.

YANBU, the woman was rude to turn up over 2 hours early then whine about being left to her own devices. As for the PP's saying your youngest was in the wrong for doing homework instead of sitting with her, well if the bloody woman had turned up on time then it wouldn't have been as issue would it? so not his fault.