MIL situation after she arrived early

She could have just made you both a cup of tea and walk your dogs while she waited, rather than being a massive martyr

I think she was unreasonable and annoying to arrive so early but the kids were a bit rude. If it was arranged then eldest should have known about it and got up and youngest could have done the college work later.

How is the older one thoughtless? He had no idea she was there. When he knew, he spent time with her.

She knew Monday afternoon wasn’t great for you but did it because it suited her best. She knew not to come before 2.30pm because you’re both working but did anyway because it was better for her! When your husband told her she was early and you’re both working, so to help her self to drinks. Again she decided not to! She has zero consecration for any of you! I honestly think you and your family did nothing wrong! I wouldn’t have woken up my child after a shift and drinks with friends either! Your youngest had a chat with her before going to do his work and go to his hobby. All perfectly polite and understandable. She obviously wanted you all to drop everything to welcome her at 12! Your husband needs to call her and say that he’s sorry she feels this way, but she knew not to come before 2.30 due to work. That she was told to help herself to drinks! Also that Monday wasn’t the greatest time to come as the kids have shifts/school work/hobbies. She is being really unreasonable as visiting any family on a Monday afternoon is going to be tricky!

We do know all that plus why the OP didn't start until 10.30am.🤔

She sounds absolutely clueless re wfh and family life.
I’d ask your husband to speak to her. In future I wouldn’t invite her in a wfh day. He needs to explain its equivalent of turning up in office. You can’t come out of interviewing because mil has turned up randomly.
I don’t think your sons’ behaviour is wrong. One said hello then did his work, other is asleep and had no idea she’s there.
In contrast my elderly mum visits on a work day for lunch. She arrives I say hello if not on a call. She walks the dog. I have lunch with her. If there’s something kicking off or a meeting I may only see her briefly and she understands I’m working. She even makes her own cup of tea usually.

Why is the OP bad? For not leaving her job to hover over her MIL? Or for not leaving her dogs in discomfort to hover over her MIL?

@DrivingHomeToYou But what did she say when you reminded her that you had asked her not to come until 2.30 for a good reason? Had you explained that it wouldn't be possible to entertain her until then? She was very thoughtless to have been early but I don't think your kids sound very thoughtful either, particularly your older one. I wouldn't mind betting that what stings for her most is that her grandchildren seemed to go out of their way to avoid her.
What was her response to you/your husband reminding her why you said 2.30?

And @WindsorGreatPark if you read my earlier post you'll see that I acknowledged the MIL was being unreasonable for turning up so early. It doesn't excuse a lack of manners.

Tbh the op and her MIL sound as bad each other.

My FIL has over many years been reprogrammed. Come often, come when you want, fall in with life. Or: Decide to stand on ceremony as a guest, well I can manage that about twice a year. He comes round at least twice a week.

YANBU at all. None of this would have happened or mattered if she had come when arranged. If she wanted to be a guest she would have arrived after 2.30. If she wants to be free to come and go as part of the family then she shouldn’t expect to be entertained.
She should have made herself a cup of tea, appreciated a bit of piece and quiet, enjoyed her 15 minutes with her gs, been proud of his wanting to do his work.
Your husband should reply very briefly pointing out that all of this arose from her being early. Hopefully she now understands why he said 2.30 and will have learned from this.

She was rude.

But I put money on the fact your youngest wanted to scroll their phone. Not do college work.

She was rude turning up early and precious about it afterwards.

Some people get lucky and their in laws are helpful and would have helped you get dinner ready.

I think it’s an older person thing for some parents. They forget what a busy family life entails and expect to be a priority.

Your MIL is like mine! Expects to be treated like a VIP guest despite me knowing her for 26 years! She still appears and waits to be made a cup of tea! Pisses me off so much. I purposefully go without so I don’t need to offer. Then at some point she’ll say “I just wondered if someone was going to make me a drink”. No, Susan, I’ve generally got my hands full. The kettle has been in the same place for decades, help yourself 😂

P.s. the dog walk response would have annoyed me too! She’s not your mother, she should have enjoyed her son’s company. She doesn’t need your attention too!

I too think the children could have been better and made more of an effort with their grandmother. Could you not have walked the dogs after she went home?

Then the culture you belong to treats their elders poorly and that’s really sad.

I think she should have arrived at the organised time, that being said, she got there early.

I think someone could have quickly made her a drink, you're surely able to have toilet breaks? It's just manners to make your guest feel welcome.

The child that just got in from college could have surely stayed downstairs for a bit longer, the child asleep probably didn't know what day it was 🙈

You don't seem to be taking the negative perspective well.... Is there a backstory, do you like her?

She clearly did, because she knew she could help herself to tea and coffee but didn't.

None of you did anything wrong. I’d be tempted to tell the silly bat to do one but I suppose you want to maintain a relationship so a breezy “Well that’s why we told you 2.30, silly!” would probably be more
politic.

Or perhaps “MIL we’re really concerned actually. We clearly told you 2.30pm, don’t you remember? Is this forgetting stuff a recent thing? Would you like one of us to make you a GP appointment?”

She's clearly being unreasonable in turning up so early and doesn't seem to comprehend wfh. What if you weren't wfh and were in an office until 2.30pm? Would she still have turned up early, expected you to leave the office to make her a cuppa and then go back?

YANBU but this did sound like a terrible day for a visit!

I think this needs nipping in the bud. Either don’t invite her for half days, now you know that she won’t respect times and thinks you can dip in and out of work, or just be clear at the time of the invitation that she’ll have to fend for herself until you both finish work.

If she’s not normally a pain in the arse, I suspect this is coming from a place of disappointment and/ or not understanding how demanding your jobs are. Maybe she also feels as though she’s last in line for some attention! So maybe your DH could have a think about prioritising her a bit more in other respects (calls etc).

If she does have form for being a pain, I’d just reply saying “OK noted, probably best if you don’t visit in the week again- understood.”

The son who was conscious at the time stepped up with his schoolwork, which has a good deal more important than catering to someone who's arrive 2.5 hours early and can entertain themselves.

Guest? She is a family member popping by on a weekday afternoon. She doesn't need hosting.

So do hosts, which is that guests should turn up on time.

Neither OP nor her children were remotely unreasonable.

It wasn't a "family visit" - the sons weren't involved in the arrangements nor expected to be present, and the OP told her MIL this in advance. So they're not obliged to drop their own plans (whether schoolwork or hangover) at all.

Even if you argue that one of the sons should have sacked off his important work or the other one should have woken up or the OP should have walked the dogs later, none of what they actually did is anywhere near as rude as 1) arriving 2.5 hours early, 2) having the audacity to huff about your hosts' behaviour in light of that via text afterwards, despite the actual afternoon passing pleasantly.

So OP was supposed to leave her work and make him a bacon sarnie?

Classic case of not taking women who WFH seriously.