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MIL situation after she arrived early

889 replies

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 04:59

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 08/09/2026 10:54

DH can remind her of the agreed time..

I would not have left to walk dogs until later.
My kids would always make Gran a cup of tea and chat. Homework could be done once you and DH arrived home.

Oldest should have woken. He is going back to uni so should have conversed with Gran.
Yes. MIL was early but there were people home who did not keep her company.

chocaholic73 · 08/09/2026 10:53

I'm mid sixties and don't understand your MIL's attitude at all. Working means working and you had agreed 2.30, so that's the time. When I was in my teens, I would always greet visiting family members and usually eat with them but, other than that, I wasn't expected to stick around, either by my parents, grandparents or whoever.

Noshowlomo · 08/09/2026 10:51

She arrived 2 hours early, and felt ignored but she was ignored because she came 2 hours earlier than you told her to.
She’s a regular guest who doesn’t need the red carpet laid out for her.
We’ve often gone down my ILs (husbands sister and family), only for one or both of the kids to soon leave because they have plans. Teens often have plans.. being hungover and sleeping is fine, and normal for a boy his age. The other son wanted to do homework- that’s dedication to me!
MIL is totally unreasonable

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 10:50

Frenemies · 08/09/2026 10:48

Was there any explanation for mil arriving early? How often does she come over? Perfectly reasonable for you and DH to finish work and take care of the dogs, but your DC could have done better. I bet if it had been a friend over your youngest would have carved out a bit more time. Terms only just started, it seems unlikely that he has that much work to do that he was going to have to work all afternoon and evening. And your eldest is very lazy to still be in bed into the afternoon, especially with a guest over. He’s going to have to get used to partying all night and still getting up for lectures very soon (unless he’s planning on failing the year). Only excuse would be if she comes over very regularly (ie more than once a week) but that doesn’t sound like the case here.

I don't know about you but when we get unexpected visitors the whole house doesn't stop to entertain them.

C152 · 08/09/2026 10:50

ListenToYourSong · 08/09/2026 10:17

MIL didn’t have a ‘need’ to turn up 2 hours early or be entertained when she did. It was a want and a very selfish one.

Walking the dogs for 30 minutes out of a 3 hour visit and when OP thought MIL was going to be there for lunch and dinner anyway so much longer really isn’t a problem. She was invited on the walk or could just enjoy time with her son. Why does OP have to be there every second too? That’s ridiculous.

Why should younger son have his plans to work ruined because MIL chose to turn up early? It’s very disrespectful to him.

MIL is the only one that needs to respect others more and be more understanding.

I quite agree that the MIL was rude to turn up so early.

OP's meeting ran over, so she was only free from 3pm. MIL left at 5:30pm. OP chose to walk the dogs for half an hour during those 2.5hrs. I think it was a choice, and she didn't have to choose that one she did. (I missed the part about MIL supposed to stay for dinner, but it doesn't change my view. It seems she left because she felt unwelcome, which is understandable.) It's fine you think otherwise.

I find your answer very black and white, when there's room for everyone to just be a bit more considerate of each other, as I suggested earlier. MIL could respect other people's commitments by not turning up early. OP could choose to walk the dogs at another time. The younger son could choose to spend a bit more time with his grandmother and do his work at another time (I did read he also had training that day but, in my view, the homework on day 1 is unlikely to have been so extreme that he couldn't have fitted it in at another time). Does he have to spend the whole visit with her? No but, given he and his nan were both home for 4.5hrs, I think he could have afforded her more than a quick conversation.

If the OP's family has such a different view of spending time together than the MIL, then it makes sense not to try and squeeze time together in the way described, but to have a more planned meet up, like the lunch that's planned for the future.

Foolish1984 · 08/09/2026 10:50

I can’t believe people are suggesting OP stop the job interview she was IN THE MIDDLE OF WHEN MIL ARRIVED, in order to inform her eldest that MIL had arrived and even make him a bacon bloody sandwich?! “I’m sorry Mrs Smith, I just need to go make a bacon sandwich to coax my hungover son out of bed, back in a bit” - Can you imagine?!

Aliscent · 08/09/2026 10:48

I wouldn't answer any 'messages'. If someone has a problem - tell me that in the face or call. So I would just ignore it and see what she is like next time.
All conflicts are always better resolved face to face.

Delatron · 08/09/2026 10:48

She came 2 hours early and that really is the end of the argument. You can’t blame kids or dogs or you. My MIL pulls this shit and you have to shut it down. It’s hugely passive aggressive.

Your DH needs to be very clear and firm with her. ‘We told you we were all busy until 2.30 - why on earth did you turn up te hours early’ call it out. Passive aggressive people don’t like it. But it’s the only way.

Your kids did nothing wrong and neither did you. This is all on her.

Frenemies · 08/09/2026 10:48

Was there any explanation for mil arriving early? How often does she come over? Perfectly reasonable for you and DH to finish work and take care of the dogs, but your DC could have done better. I bet if it had been a friend over your youngest would have carved out a bit more time. Terms only just started, it seems unlikely that he has that much work to do that he was going to have to work all afternoon and evening. And your eldest is very lazy to still be in bed into the afternoon, especially with a guest over. He’s going to have to get used to partying all night and still getting up for lectures very soon (unless he’s planning on failing the year). Only excuse would be if she comes over very regularly (ie more than once a week) but that doesn’t sound like the case here.

grumpygrape · 08/09/2026 10:47

Ye Gods and little fishes.Classic Mumsnet thread. If people can’t be arsed to read the OP’s posts and/or can’t comprehend them, why do they post ? Must be a case of some people have something to say and some people have to say something.

So many daft questions already answered either in OP’s first or subsequent posts and reinforced by other more alert posters, but still posters keep asking the same things, making the incorrect assumptions, ignoring facts, can’t comprehend the concept of interviewing someone online internationally, etc.

Off the top of my head……MIL dictated the day of the week and was told to arrive after 2.30pm, older son didn’t know she was coming because he’d been staying with his girlfriend and didn’t wake up because he could sleep through an earthquake, they see MIL every other week so it wasn’t a rare visit, she arrived 2.5 hours early and was told to help herself to a drink but they wouldn’t be free until 2.30, the dogs were walked at 9.00am so not unreasonable to need another walk after 6 hours.

iwishitwouldstartraining · 08/09/2026 10:46

PrincessFairyWren · 08/09/2026 10:42

I think this is a communication problem rather than "let's punish an entitled mother in law problem". Yes she came early, so surely apologising and giving her time when you are finished work is fine, rather than going off and walking the dog. Surely your kids could have asked her if she wanted Netflix and a cup of tea while she waited. I know you told her after 2:30pm but just explain it to her again. She doesn't understand work from home, so explain it to her. I don't think she sounds malicious. My MIL would do this sort of thing, but she also changed about 1000 nappies on my husband's bum and probably deserves a bit of bandwidth.

She doesn't understand work from home, so explain it to her.

If she is in her mid sixties she is working age and shouldn't need to have things like this explained to her.

My MIL would do this sort of thing, but she also changed about 1000 nappies on my husband's bum and probably deserves a bit of bandwidth.

?? Again, this is a woman in her mid sixties. Just outside Gen X.

Raptors · 08/09/2026 10:45

I know you told her after 2:30pm but just explain it to her again. She doesn't understand work from home, so explain it to her.

The women is in her 60s she is perfectly capable of understanding both of these things without the OP or her husband having to explain them to her multiple times. Confused

I cannot fathom how so many posters on here are determined to excuse the MILs behaviour at any cost.

pizzaHeart · 08/09/2026 10:45

Frostynoman · 08/09/2026 10:13

I would not be getting into all the ins and outs because the ultimate issue is that you said 2:30 as you know you couldn’t entertain and she came 2 hours early. That’s the end of the argument - she can’t be doing that. Imagine if you were both out doing something, she would have been on the doorstep for 2 hours or realised her mistake and come back at the agreed time. I wouldn’t get into the minutiae, I would just tell her there was a reason she was told 2:30 and she shouldn’t be causing an issue when she was in the wrong turning up early. If there’s any kick back from that then the question is, why didn’t she make herself at home whilst you two were working? Perhaps she could have even walked the dogs?

She sounds as if she has main character syndrome

This^ is a very good approach

PrincessFairyWren · 08/09/2026 10:42

I think this is a communication problem rather than "let's punish an entitled mother in law problem". Yes she came early, so surely apologising and giving her time when you are finished work is fine, rather than going off and walking the dog. Surely your kids could have asked her if she wanted Netflix and a cup of tea while she waited. I know you told her after 2:30pm but just explain it to her again. She doesn't understand work from home, so explain it to her. I don't think she sounds malicious. My MIL would do this sort of thing, but she also changed about 1000 nappies on my husband's bum and probably deserves a bit of bandwidth.

FreebieWallopFridge · 08/09/2026 10:41

She was 2.5 hours early. It’s her own bloody fault.

something2say · 08/09/2026 10:37

I think she got a shock that your household is necessarily that busy. She thought she would have a nice time chatting, not factoring in what everyone else is doing at a busy time of their life. I think she was selfish and should think on.

DancelikeFredAstaire · 08/09/2026 10:37

SixtySomething · 08/09/2026 10:34

'she just wanted a bit of fuss.'
Or maybe she just wanted to be acknowledged. Perhaps everyone acted as though she was a nuisance.

Well she was a nuisance if she turned up over 2 hours early. Are you the MiL?

MyOliveViewer · 08/09/2026 10:36

Is there any chance your DH said we’re free after 2.30 but if you come earlier someone will be around type of thing?

6784xx · 08/09/2026 10:35

Moveoverdarlin · 08/09/2026 10:17

I can see her point. If I took annual leave and had an afternoon off I would finish at 12.30pm not 2.30pm.

It was clearly a busy day for you and she was expected to slot in - arriving early didn’t help.

But I wouldn’t leave someone in my house for two hours having not offered them a drink, no.

I agree with her point about walking the dogs.

She’s getting older, it might be a big deal for her driving etc, she just wanted a bit of fuss.

How can you possibly "see her point" that people who told her (and she agreed) the time they were free, should be dancing her attendance when she decides to rock up 2 hours early?

You must have Main Character Syndrome too

DancelikeFredAstaire · 08/09/2026 10:34

BillyBites · 08/09/2026 10:27

"She’s getting older, it might be a big deal for her driving etc, she just wanted a bit of fuss."

FFS, she's only in her 60s, not 80s.
Bloody hell, the AGEISM on this site from some posters.

Yep. Apparently once we get past 60 we are incapable of telling the time, lose our ability to make a cuppa, expect to be "fussed" over by people who are busy and a 20 mile drive is simply beyond us.

SixtySomething · 08/09/2026 10:34

Moveoverdarlin · 08/09/2026 10:17

I can see her point. If I took annual leave and had an afternoon off I would finish at 12.30pm not 2.30pm.

It was clearly a busy day for you and she was expected to slot in - arriving early didn’t help.

But I wouldn’t leave someone in my house for two hours having not offered them a drink, no.

I agree with her point about walking the dogs.

She’s getting older, it might be a big deal for her driving etc, she just wanted a bit of fuss.

'she just wanted a bit of fuss.'
Or maybe she just wanted to be acknowledged. Perhaps everyone acted as though she was a nuisance.

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 10:34

Moveoverdarlin · 08/09/2026 10:17

I can see her point. If I took annual leave and had an afternoon off I would finish at 12.30pm not 2.30pm.

It was clearly a busy day for you and she was expected to slot in - arriving early didn’t help.

But I wouldn’t leave someone in my house for two hours having not offered them a drink, no.

I agree with her point about walking the dogs.

She’s getting older, it might be a big deal for her driving etc, she just wanted a bit of fuss.

You would have left a work meeting to make coffee?

NancyThompson · 08/09/2026 10:33

Moveoverdarlin · 08/09/2026 10:17

I can see her point. If I took annual leave and had an afternoon off I would finish at 12.30pm not 2.30pm.

It was clearly a busy day for you and she was expected to slot in - arriving early didn’t help.

But I wouldn’t leave someone in my house for two hours having not offered them a drink, no.

I agree with her point about walking the dogs.

She’s getting older, it might be a big deal for her driving etc, she just wanted a bit of fuss.

"Scuse me, interviewee, I'm just stepping away to make my MIL a drink"

Also she's not even retirement age.

SixtySomething · 08/09/2026 10:31

TheSandgroper · 08/09/2026 05:31

If she didn’t get the attention she wanted first time around, she’s coming back in for another go. Never reward a tantrum.

'Never reward a tantrum'
FGS.
This is so misogynistic and ageist.
No one is saying she had a tantrum. She was offended that family carried on as normal when she'd made an effort to visit.
Whether she was reasonable or not depends on so much, including the background, which we don't know about.

Itsthewoluff · 08/09/2026 10:29

Everything was on her!
Yanbu