Page 20 | MIL situation after she arrived early

DrivingHomeToYou · 2026-09-08T03:59:13+00:00

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings. She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working. We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning. My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs. How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived. Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

SereneFinch · 08/09/2026 11:53

Has she explained why she turned up at midday? Did your DH specifically ask her that?

Ethelspagetti · 08/09/2026 11:51

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 11:14

93% that I’m not being unreasonable. Thank you!

Husband has spoken to his mum. He told her that as she turned up 2.5 hours early on a day she knew we were working and we had said the kids may not be free, that she should have looked after herself after being told to help herself to anything she fancies. He also said that she’s wrong to call our children rude when our oldest didn’t even know she was coming and our youngest had plans to do his work after his very important and stressful first day. He told her that if she can’t cope with me being a little late because my work ran over, our dogs needing walking regardless of who visits, and general life still continuing, then she will have to visit less often when we can put a couple of hours completely aside to formerly greet and host her. He said he found it offensive for her to say we made no effort when we spent the whole afternoon chatting to her, bought food in that she likes for lunch (and dinner that she didn’t even stay for), cooked lunch and generally waited on her from 2.30pm.

Her response was ‘well that’s me told’. He confirmed the time of the meal for our son at the weekend and she said ‘am I even wanted to be there’. He told her to stop trying to be the victim, that of course she is wanted, but that she has to be considerate to all of our lives.

He described her as frosty. He ended the conversation saying he had to start work and told her he loves her, so hopefully the meal will be ok.

His dad has messaged him to say that he heard the whole conversation and he doesn’t understand why she has done and said what she has and has told her she needs to apologise. I felt really sad as his dad wrote ‘please don’t fall out with us son’ at the end of his text. My husband said we wouldn’t but that his mum needs to be more considerate and realise we make loads of effort to see them even when we are really busy so it’s hurtful for his mum to say we made no effort.

Aw your poor FIL. Glad he told his wife off and messaged your husband. Hopefully that’s nipped it all in the bud! 🌺

KiwiFall · 08/09/2026 11:51

The amount of posters on here who think WFH means do what the hell you want. Have whatever hours you want and do whatever work you want is mind blowing. Also if interviewing you do it thoroughly otherwise you may regret the choice you made.

I think your MIL is pissed because you told her 2:30 when she asked to visit that specific day. You had reasons for this. She thought you were lying for whatever reason and thought well half a day leave means 12:30 finish. They just don’t want me for those 2.5 hours. Turns up early and finds out the reasons for you saying 2:30 were just and valid. Then is pissed as you as she can’t admit she was wrong.

WildLeader · 08/09/2026 11:51

i can’t believe the pretzels people are turning themselves into to make YOU the bad guys in this @DrivingHomeToYou

“Mil, come after 2.30pm as we’re working” is clear

rocking up 2.5 hours early is RUDE.

for those of you who have no concept of working/management etc apart from reorganising your handbag collections, let’s make this relatable:

imagine if you arrange a dinner party for 7pm, and everyone turned up at 5.

I’ll leave that with you for the panic to settle in

or imagine your massage appointment is booked for 11am, and you show up at 9, demanding to be seen/catered to?

the second she arrived and saw that both H and OP were in active meetings was the time SHE should have copped herself on, made a cuppa and sat the fuck down. She should’ve apologised for turning up so early. Ideally she should have taken herself back home and come back at the time she was actually invited.

mil is 100% in the wrong here. Not @DrivingHomeToYou , not H, and definitely not the kids.

champagnetrial · 08/09/2026 11:50

Usually on here I think MILs get a bit of a hard time (because it's clear the OP doesn't actually like them!)

In this case, I think it is a bit 6 of 1 as pps have said and she was probably disappointed not to see more of her grandchildren who could have been a bit more present. BUT she was early and you told her not to be.

The unusual thing here is that your DH has absolutely stepped up and handled the situation really well in a fair and clear way (often DHs are mute!). She is defensive because she knows she was spiky with you and her message wasn't on. Sounds like she has a lovely DH and a nice family - she must be doing something right! She will come around.

NoisyMonster678 · 08/09/2026 11:49

Your MIL is rude and lacks respect for the fact you were working from home and it seems she was expecting to be entertained and waited on, even though you told her you were working from home.

In future, to avoid this shenanigans, I suggest she should only be invited on days when you are not working, so she can not manipulate and cause trouble like she did last time.

I would not tell her to be honest because she is likely to cause a scene again, but of course, the choice is yours and your DH's.

Frenemies · 08/09/2026 11:49

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 11:47

No. Last reply to you.

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You can’t explain it because I didn’t misinterpret.

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 11:47

Frenemies · 08/09/2026 11:46

If you think I’ve misinterpreted then explain it to me.

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No. Last reply to you.

NoisyViper · 08/09/2026 11:47

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 11:14

93% that I’m not being unreasonable. Thank you!

Husband has spoken to his mum. He told her that as she turned up 2.5 hours early on a day she knew we were working and we had said the kids may not be free, that she should have looked after herself after being told to help herself to anything she fancies. He also said that she’s wrong to call our children rude when our oldest didn’t even know she was coming and our youngest had plans to do his work after his very important and stressful first day. He told her that if she can’t cope with me being a little late because my work ran over, our dogs needing walking regardless of who visits, and general life still continuing, then she will have to visit less often when we can put a couple of hours completely aside to formerly greet and host her. He said he found it offensive for her to say we made no effort when we spent the whole afternoon chatting to her, bought food in that she likes for lunch (and dinner that she didn’t even stay for), cooked lunch and generally waited on her from 2.30pm.

Her response was ‘well that’s me told’. He confirmed the time of the meal for our son at the weekend and she said ‘am I even wanted to be there’. He told her to stop trying to be the victim, that of course she is wanted, but that she has to be considerate to all of our lives.

He described her as frosty. He ended the conversation saying he had to start work and told her he loves her, so hopefully the meal will be ok.

His dad has messaged him to say that he heard the whole conversation and he doesn’t understand why she has done and said what she has and has told her she needs to apologise. I felt really sad as his dad wrote ‘please don’t fall out with us son’ at the end of his text. My husband said we wouldn’t but that his mum needs to be more considerate and realise we make loads of effort to see them even when we are really busy so it’s hurtful for his mum to say we made no effort.

Good on your hubby! She was bang out of order, and your FIL knows it too.

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 11:46

Manxexile · 08/09/2026 11:43

"... Your son who had the night out was hiding from her. He’d had loads of sleep but didn’t want to be stuck hosting his nan so left it until you guys were. I’m a bit sceptical about the homework that needed to be done so desperately aswell..."

This ^ ! 😄

It's on your MiL for not doing what she was told

If you were the MIL and said you wouldn't do what you were asked, you wouldn't be invited back.

Frenemies · 08/09/2026 11:46

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 11:43

Can't help it if you misinterpreted my post.

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If you think I’ve misinterpreted then explain it to me.

EdithStourton · 08/09/2026 11:45

And regarding OP's son, he had other plans.
Yes, it would have been nice if he'd made his grandmother a cup of tea, but she arrived effectively uninvited and expected him to change those plans at the drop of a hat to suit her, which is bloody cheeky IMHO.

And I'd also have walked my dogs. They have a routine, they expect a walk and dinner, I need the fresh air and exercise.

If someone arrives at a busy household ages early, they need to accept that they need to fit in around other people.

MachineBee · 08/09/2026 11:45

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 11:14

93% that I’m not being unreasonable. Thank you!

Husband has spoken to his mum. He told her that as she turned up 2.5 hours early on a day she knew we were working and we had said the kids may not be free, that she should have looked after herself after being told to help herself to anything she fancies. He also said that she’s wrong to call our children rude when our oldest didn’t even know she was coming and our youngest had plans to do his work after his very important and stressful first day. He told her that if she can’t cope with me being a little late because my work ran over, our dogs needing walking regardless of who visits, and general life still continuing, then she will have to visit less often when we can put a couple of hours completely aside to formerly greet and host her. He said he found it offensive for her to say we made no effort when we spent the whole afternoon chatting to her, bought food in that she likes for lunch (and dinner that she didn’t even stay for), cooked lunch and generally waited on her from 2.30pm.

Her response was ‘well that’s me told’. He confirmed the time of the meal for our son at the weekend and she said ‘am I even wanted to be there’. He told her to stop trying to be the victim, that of course she is wanted, but that she has to be considerate to all of our lives.

He described her as frosty. He ended the conversation saying he had to start work and told her he loves her, so hopefully the meal will be ok.

His dad has messaged him to say that he heard the whole conversation and he doesn’t understand why she has done and said what she has and has told her she needs to apologise. I felt really sad as his dad wrote ‘please don’t fall out with us son’ at the end of his text. My husband said we wouldn’t but that his mum needs to be more considerate and realise we make loads of effort to see them even when we are really busy so it’s hurtful for his mum to say we made no effort.

So glad your DH had a word with her and that your FIL is also supporting.

If this is out of character for your MIL I would try to check if all is well with her at the weekend. Has she recently been poorly, lost a close friend or had an unpleasant experience you aren’t aware of?

Hope your family meal goes well and everyone has a good time.

Friendlygingercat · 08/09/2026 11:45

If someone had a 2.30 appointment with me and turned up at 12.00 the chances are that i would be at the computer with headphones on so not hear them. At least thats what I would tell them. No MIL but I once had a thoughtless neighbour who used to turn up once or twice a week for a "chat" when I was WAH. So I began not opening the door when I saw on the CCTV that it was her. Eventually I told her the Uni I worked for now required us all in the office.

I was in a rental that was being sold and graciously allowed viewers to come for an 8 pm appointment. They turned up at 6 30 when I was still eating. I told them to come back in an hour as it was inconvenient. The agent apologised to THEM and not to ME for violating the appointment time. There were no more viewings.

Your MIL is a drama lama and everything has to be about her. I would not invite her again and tell her why. She is DH mother not yours so let him go visit her and tell her where she stands in the hierarchy.

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 11:45

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Manxexile · 08/09/2026 11:43

"... Your son who had the night out was hiding from her. He’d had loads of sleep but didn’t want to be stuck hosting his nan so left it until you guys were. I’m a bit sceptical about the homework that needed to be done so desperately aswell..."

This ^ ! 😄

It's on your MiL for not doing what she was told

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 11:43

Frenemies · 08/09/2026 11:39

Ah I see. So it’s ok for you to insinuate I’m a bit slow of thinking, but it’s not ok for me to send a bit of the same treatment back your way. Double standards, got it.

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Can't help it if you misinterpreted my post.

EdithStourton · 08/09/2026 11:42

Haven't RTFT but people who turn up ages early are the bane of my life.

They seem totally unaware that other people have plans (getting their homework done before Granny shows up; getting the dogs walked; prepping dinner; finishing some work) and should be there for them.

Even the ones who show up early with, 'I'll just get myself a cup of tea and keep out of your way' are now still in your headspace (and often underfoot, because the sort of people who think that turning up two hours early is okay don't tend to have a very good definition of being 'out of your way').

Original poster

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 11:42

BakersKitchen · 08/09/2026 11:30

I think your son needs to get a bit of a grip. Presumably it was a small amount of work that wasn’t due in the next day? Lots of people have said he was rude. You need to accept that.

If you are the interviewer, you are in control of how long the interview takes so don’t really see why that was a problem either.

The dogs would have survived.

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Stop being goady. You sound unpleasant about a just 16 year old boy trying his best. How sad, and you should get a grip to need to put a child down in that way.

He is doing 4 A levels and had pre reading and questions for each. He did the reading and questions for the two subjects he has today which took about 3 hours which aligns with what his tutors said it should take. He spoke to his nan after he finished the work, ate dinner, went to football training, came back, showered and went straight to bed at 9.30 as he had to be up early today.

I was one person on a panel of interviewers, so no, I don’t get to end the interview. You’re clueless.

I like my dogs to thrive and be happy, not just survive.

OP posts:

Faceonthewrongfoot · 08/09/2026 11:42

Catza · 08/09/2026 09:53

Why not? It sounds like the visit was arranged in advance. Does nobody communicate in this family?

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Because, as the OP has said much earlier in the thread, he'd been staying at his girlfriends or a few nights, and this visit was only arranged the other day. He hasn't been home to know she was coming over, so had no idea until he woke up. The MIL comes over ever couple of weeks, this isn't like a once a year event!

TallagallaPenguin · 08/09/2026 11:41

BakersKitchen · 08/09/2026 11:30

I think your son needs to get a bit of a grip. Presumably it was a small amount of work that wasn’t due in the next day? Lots of people have said he was rude. You need to accept that.

If you are the interviewer, you are in control of how long the interview takes so don’t really see why that was a problem either.

The dogs would have survived.

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And most people have said the OP wasn’t unreasonable.
On what basis was it “presumably” a small amount of work? You have absolutely no idea how much it was. Lots of people also said he was not at all rude.

I’ve done lots of work interviewing. Often there are a few interviewers. Not just one person totally in charge. Completing interviews properly is more important than making sure two people are available to entertain one perfectly capable 60 year old who has her son with her anyway for 30 minutes.

She was invited on the dog walk and she didn’t want to go. And as far as the OP knew she was staying all evening - the dog wouldn’t wait till then.

YetAnotherAlias62 · 08/09/2026 11:39

Wow - some people are giving you a hard time!
I think there must be a lot of tone-deaf MILs on this thread 😂

I spent years WFH and lots of people don't seem to understand that you can't just step away from a meeting/call/interview when you feel like it, or when someone turns up unexpectedly.
Your children aren't babies, you're not responsible for waking them up, making them entertain your MIL....
Personally I find it incredibly rude when people arrive early with no warning - the time you agreed was the time you'd be free to "entertain" her.

Ignore all the haters OP, you were not BU at all!!

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/09/2026 11:39

Houndsahollering · 08/09/2026 05:06

Not unreasonable at all, it’s not like she didn’t know that you and husband have jobs.
Why did she decide to rock up 2 hours before she was expected? Does she lose the ability to boil a kettle once she crosses your threshold?
Easily solved in future though - if she wants to visit when you’re working just say no!

This. You are NBU at all. I’d be really pissed off if she turned up early - she knows you both work. And why should the kids put themselves out either just because she’s early. Jeez, if she wants to hang around until everyone is free that’s fine, she presumably knows where the kettle is. You were all busy - if she doesn’t like it, don’t come until the allotted time! Some people are so entitled.

Frenemies · 08/09/2026 11:39

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 11:36

Your personal attack says a lot about you.

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Ah I see. So it’s ok for you to insinuate I’m a bit slow of thinking, but it’s not ok for me to send a bit of the same treatment back your way. Double standards, got it.

TallagallaPenguin · 08/09/2026 11:37

OP you were all completely reasonable. She turned up 2.5 hours early - that’s really rude and presumptuous, given she expected to be entertained over that time. Fine if she was just happy to sit and chill, read, make a cup of tea, watch tv etc - but not fine to turn up hours earlier than you were told and expect people to be around to chat to her.

Neither my parents nor my DH parents (in their 70s and 80s) would dream of acting like this. They’re all totally welcome at our house at all times, we have no problem them turning up when we’re at work because if they do, they’d just keep themselves out of the way and busy, understanding we all have stuff to do and not behaving like wet lettuces who can’t work the kettle or read a book.

They’d also be totally understanding of students getting home and wanting to get on with homework. Or being asleep at a time they weren’t expected to be awake.

If you turn up at a time you have been told isn’t convenient during the working and school week to a busy family household, that’s completely on you.

No idea what you can do to explain this to someone clearly as self absorbed and not overly bright as your MIL, but just reiterating that as you said, people weren’t free till 2.30 so anything happening before that is on her.