MIL situation after she arrived early

I thought Op went out of her way not to slag MIL off. They clearly get on fine usually and Op and her husband thought they’d had a pleasant afternoon with her and then she sent that text.
If Op hated her I doubt they would be inviting her for lunch, dinner and meals out.

I never said any of those things, nor thought about them.
I simply think it’s an account written from one person ‘s perspective inviting us to criticise the MIL, which there is always an eager audience to do, so the result is predetermined ie MIL is a cow.

Who mentioned lying? OPs on MN always give their own side of the story, and often leave out mitigating circumstances that could explain the other sides reasoning, or drip feed it later, it's not lying, but it is often a very one sided account of things to swing things in their favour.

For instance the OP in this thread let everyone think that the MIL was ignoring their request of timing, was utterly rude to turn up when she did, yet it turns out (drip feed) that she arranged to go somewhere else first to arrive at the time specified, but couldn't get in because of the long queues, so she decided to just go straight there and wait for them, it is still unclear about how effectively the 2:30 thing was communicated, as she was invited for lunch? Maybe she thought they would be having a lunch break at that time, then she would wait for them to finish work? Has she been invited before and they've been able to break off and make a quick cuppa then get back to work etc, there has been no insight given as to why she may have made the decision she did, or if she has form.. only that "who does she think she is" type indignation about a completely one off event, that seems to have no actual malice attached to it.

But it does seem that because she had the nerve to turn up early she was made to feel unwelcome. Even after the time she was supposed to be there, OP worked late then walked the dogs instead of spending time with someone they invited round, the son came in and didn't even offer a drink or stay and chat for a while, the other son never bothered to get up (we know why, but she didn't).. it probably felt like she was unwanted and it upset her, but really is was just an error in judgement, that snowballed.

I'm always suspicious when OPs absolutely refuse to give the benefit of the doubt in situations like this, it means they aren't here for objective opinions, they are just here for vindication, and for everyone to agree that her MIL is a horrible person, when it doesn't sound like she is to be fair.

MIL is way out of line. Imagine turning up to someone's place of work and expecting them to leave early.

How do you know all these DILs are lying? Have you met every single OP's MIL and know every MIL's side?

In fact, the reason I’m sticking up for MIL is that I get heartedly sick of one-sided accounts which are slanted to make MIL look like a real cow. Then of course, every one piles in and says what a cow she is. The reason posters write these posts is to confirm their own viewpoint.

Secondly, I like to stick up for the underdog.

Thirdly, I’ve had loads of MIL conversations where MIL mentions family arriving at a different time from that agreed. They just don’t go onto MN to whip up a witch hunt

Fourthly, I’m against misogyny and ageism.

I also had the MIL from hell, so would not turn a hair at a situation like this one.

I don't normally hold with calling people rude as on Mumsnet it so often just means " someone is doing something I don't like," but turning up 2.5 hours early is incredibly poor manners. It shows a disregard for the importance of your jobs and a bloody-minded tendency to equate how welcome she is with the frequency of offers of cups of tea. I don't think I would have replied!

The never worked thing. Grandma in this post was a Grandma at age 45 ish so I’d assume she had her own family very young.

My family NEVER turn up at the agreed time and I ‘m sure I’m not the only one.

I suspect that's why you think that the MIL cannot possibly be in the wrong. Your experience of being in a family where everyone doesn't adhere to an agreed time is definitely not the norm and I suspect that's what's contributing to your viewpoint. In most families a time is agreed and adhered to.

It’s not even clear that Op spoke to MIL on arrival.

She says DH left his colleague in a meeting and said to MIL they were working until 2.30 and back to his meeting. Understandably he didn’t chit chat or make her a brew. I’d look put out and preoccupied if someone unexpected turned up mid meeting. He may have been worried something was wrong eg FIL taken ill, had her handbag stolen at shops. It’s such an odd thing to do to be 2.5 hours early.

Some of these answers... 'Granny' is only 60 😂

I agree with this. It all about how things are managed, isn’t it? My family NEVER turn up at the agreed time and I ‘m sure I’m not the only one.

I think the whole thread has been pretty pointless . If someone in my family turned up while I was on a work call, I would smile and wave and point and make sure they realised they were welcome before / while getting on with my work.

On the other hand, if I distractedly said they could make themselves a cup of tea etc while looking preoccupied and put out, then they would feel hurt and unwelcome.

So it all about attitude and body language. We have literally no idea whether OP made Mil feel welcome or a nuisance. If she looked put out, then that’s why Mizl was upset. That all.

Hard agree.

if OP posted she went to her sister/ brothers amd behaved like her MIL she'd (correctly) be getting her arse firmly handed to her.

I was thinking that! I don't doubt the OP's accoint, but it does my head in to think there are women like 10 years older than me who have mever worked. I can't imagine any of my school friends in that position. Is she quite posh?

If the OP was posting here that her interview had been cut short because the interviewer left for personal reasons, the response would have been very different

What people are missing re the dog walks is that the arrangement was for MIL to stay for dinner - when OP walked them she didn't know that the woman was going to huff off early. And she did suggest that they all go, it was the MIL who turned the offer down. You think she'd have been happy of the time with her son but apparently not.

I can’t get over hire many people are defending mil in this. The op has done absolutely nothing wrong. The mil was really out of order completely.

I am incredulous some people think walking the dog for 30 minutes was rude. It sounds like MIL wanted all 4 of you in the living room with her from the moment she decided to arrive (2 hrs early) until when she decided to leave ( before the dinner specially picked for her when presumably all 4 of you would have been in attendance.).

Its ni wonder people have badly behaved mutts when they seem to think that walking is optional.

OP I’ve read your updates. Your husband sounds like a keeper! No messing!

MIL was wrong to expect special treatment when she arrived 2.5 hours early. I can see your point about your children, I don’t think you’re totally wrong about them, though it would have been nice if they’d communicated and tag teamed hanging out with her. But MIL probably just felt embarrassed she’d imposed and nobody was about, and is one of those people who doubles down rather than admits her error.

Personally I tend to like it when people carry on their lives around me when I visit - it makes me feel like they’re relaxed and I’m accepted.

I think people who respond like your MIL are probably harbouring some insecurities: they want you to show they’re important. But when they impose or act needy and the response doesn’t reassure them, it makes them feel even worse.

Your DH did a great job, I just hope MIL can acknowledge her error and move on.

@DrivingHomeToYou Both dogs get 3 separate walks a day? You walk the dogs 6 times a day?

And teach them that granny's feelings are most important, they are responsible for how she feels, and their needs don't matter as long as granny feels good. Sounds healthy, not.

I’m curious, how could the elder son have done any “better” unless you think young people should all develop some form of esp in case a visitor decides to turn up unexpectedly and martyr themselves in the lounge?

Why should her children be taught that they need to drop everything because someone has been rude and arrived 2 hours early? Doesn't matter who it is. They showed manners to their Gran by spending time with her even when they weren't expecting her to be there. She showed complete disregard to anyone else's lives. At her age she should know better. I would never impose then have the audacity to complain that people actually have their own lives.

This exactly. I'm younger but a MIL. If my children tell me to come at a particular time, that's what I'll do. If I happen to be early and go to them (which I would consider rude without checking with them first), I would entertain myself until the agreed time.

If someone is my visitor, it's up to me to entertain them, not my children. I think the son did fine with giving his granny some reasonable time before getting on with his responsibilities. The other son is also not responsible for entertaining people I invite over, unless otherwise asked and agreed.

I'm with you OP.