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Original poster

MIL situation after she arrived early

889 replies

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 04:59

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

OP posts:
disturbia · 08/09/2026 12:24

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 11:42

Stop being goady. You sound unpleasant about a just 16 year old boy trying his best. How sad, and you should get a grip to need to put a child down in that way.

He is doing 4 A levels and had pre reading and questions for each. He did the reading and questions for the two subjects he has today which took about 3 hours which aligns with what his tutors said it should take. He spoke to his nan after he finished the work, ate dinner, went to football training, came back, showered and went straight to bed at 9.30 as he had to be up early today.

I was one person on a panel of interviewers, so no, I don’t get to end the interview. You’re clueless.

I like my dogs to thrive and be happy, not just survive.

Show quote history

OP you will get some rude answers on here just ignore them you were not being unreasonable. FIL said she was unreasonable and he should know

Delatron · 08/09/2026 12:22

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 11:14

93% that I’m not being unreasonable. Thank you!

Husband has spoken to his mum. He told her that as she turned up 2.5 hours early on a day she knew we were working and we had said the kids may not be free, that she should have looked after herself after being told to help herself to anything she fancies. He also said that she’s wrong to call our children rude when our oldest didn’t even know she was coming and our youngest had plans to do his work after his very important and stressful first day. He told her that if she can’t cope with me being a little late because my work ran over, our dogs needing walking regardless of who visits, and general life still continuing, then she will have to visit less often when we can put a couple of hours completely aside to formerly greet and host her. He said he found it offensive for her to say we made no effort when we spent the whole afternoon chatting to her, bought food in that she likes for lunch (and dinner that she didn’t even stay for), cooked lunch and generally waited on her from 2.30pm.

Her response was ‘well that’s me told’. He confirmed the time of the meal for our son at the weekend and she said ‘am I even wanted to be there’. He told her to stop trying to be the victim, that of course she is wanted, but that she has to be considerate to all of our lives.

He described her as frosty. He ended the conversation saying he had to start work and told her he loves her, so hopefully the meal will be ok.

His dad has messaged him to say that he heard the whole conversation and he doesn’t understand why she has done and said what she has and has told her she needs to apologise. I felt really sad as his dad wrote ‘please don’t fall out with us son’ at the end of his text. My husband said we wouldn’t but that his mum needs to be more considerate and realise we make loads of effort to see them even when we are really busy so it’s hurtful for his mum to say we made no effort.

Good for your DH. She is now switching to martyr mode. Classic. It all needs nipping in the bud.

Hopefully she has learnt from this.

AnswerIsNo · 08/09/2026 12:20

"Come around at 2.30pm"

"Nope, I'm going to ignore that time boundary and do as I like, because other people's needs are less important than mine"

Then going full passive-aggressive victim mode when the genuine reasons for time boundary become apparent and the attention monster was left hungry

Meanwhile, other posters "you and your kids are so mean for not people-pleasing!" and various other excuses of enablement

FullLondonEye · 08/09/2026 12:20

WindsorGreatPark · 08/09/2026 08:53

Guest? She is a family member popping by on a weekday afternoon. She doesn't need hosting.

Show quote history

She clearly does or she wouldn't have thrown a strop!

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 12:19

CarbootJunction · 08/09/2026 12:15

I think the kids need to be taught some manners. The college work could have waited a couple of hours. That was just an excuse.

The woman is probably lonely.

If she’s lonely in her mid 60s then that is her responsibility to fix. She has a husband and a family who obviously do see her. (I am also mid 60s).

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 12:17

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 06:54

She’s mid 60s, not a frail 90 year old.

I’m afraid life and routine pays the bills and means we aren’t all always available.

My youngest did spend about 15 minutes chatting to her but wanted to get on with his work. She had been at out house for an hour when he came home so had ample opportunity to make herself a drink instead of sitting there waiting to be served. She could even have offered to make my son one who had been up since 6am and had a hard and nerve wracking first day. She knows he is anxious about college. I can’t imagine knowing that about my grandson in future and not being the one offering a little TLC after a hard day when she has nothing to do.

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I’m mid 60s and wouldn’t dream of behaving like your mil.

CarbootJunction · 08/09/2026 12:15

I think the kids need to be taught some manners. The college work could have waited a couple of hours. That was just an excuse.

The woman is probably lonely.

Rosesandthorns66 · 08/09/2026 12:15

Greyhound98 · 08/09/2026 05:05

Did you make the arrangements for her to come after 2.30 by text? If so, screenshot it and send it back to her.

Great reply, totally agree with this 100%.

If you had informed MIL of when to come, she should have known that you are wfh and won't be able to leave the home office.
( wfh does not mean your employer allows you to wonder off when you feel like it, you still have fixed work hours.)

Unfortunately, as for the children, it depends on the day and circumstances. With your older DS it is understandable. However with your younger DS, he could have stayed downstairs for a little longer, perhaps 30/ 40 minutes and then excused himself.
However, you can't make children do something, it depends on their mood. As you have explained in your update. He had plans for his afternoon.
I also think MIL should have stayed longer, if she wanted to spend more time, leaving at 5.30pm is early.

Let your DH explain the situation and she had been told what time to come.

Original poster
DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 12:14

WonderWeeksArentReal · 08/09/2026 12:03

Fundamentally the fault is MILs for arriving so early having been specifically told you weren't available until 2.30. Definitely agree about that.

But I'm confused about how/why this particular day was agreed upon for a visit in the first place, as it sounds like you all had a lot on? WFH that included interviewing, starting college for one DC, post work leaving drinks the night before for other DC. Just doesn't sound like the best day for visitors in the first place tbh.

I have explained. We are taking half days this week to use up leave so 3 days I’m doing 10.30-2.30 ish and 2 days I’m doing 3-7 ish. Monday we were both finishing at 2.30 and that day suited her to come over. Often we work til 7 or 8pm so it’s hard to see her during the week so we make it happen when we can as an extra visit. If she arrived at 2.30, it would have been fine. We were free all afternoon and evening and planned to spend it either her. We had told her the kids might not be around, we never know where the oldest will be and didn’t know he was coming home that day. Youngest starting college didn’t need to stop a visit happening, he just needed to be left to do what he needed to do.

Life is busy most days so we’d never see anyone if we didn’t make the effort. We do so it’s annoying to be told we made no effort.

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 12:13

Was she not capable of putting the kettle on? She sounds very up herself, expecting to be fawned and fussed over because she’s been rude enough to rock up 2 plus hours early. Glad your dh put her in her place and she recognises that, yes, she has indeed been told!

Carandache18 · 08/09/2026 12:13

Both my mother and my MIL would have sulked in this situation. Neither of them believe WFH is a real thing with a timetable, neither would have made a drink, read a book or had a look at the garden. The dog walk would have been resented very much. The teenagers would still have been hearing about it a decade later.
I think some people can't change their mindsets. I don't know why.

nomas · 08/09/2026 12:12

EdithStourton · 08/09/2026 11:45

And regarding OP's son, he had other plans.
Yes, it would have been nice if he'd made his grandmother a cup of tea, but she arrived effectively uninvited and expected him to change those plans at the drop of a hat to suit her, which is bloody cheeky IMHO.

And I'd also have walked my dogs. They have a routine, they expect a walk and dinner, I need the fresh air and exercise.

If someone arrives at a busy household ages early, they need to accept that they need to fit in around other people.

Also, OP's son arrived after his MIL had arrived. He could have assumed his MIL had already had a cup of tea.

WearyAuldWumman · 08/09/2026 12:10

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/09/2026 05:34

Why did she want to visit on a working day, during your working hours ?

She wouldn't have turned up if you both had been working in an office in a town somewhere - would she ?

What was wrong with her visiting on a weekend day i.e. the previous day Sunday or waiting until Saturday ?

did she travel far.

I would never expect a teenager or older to want to see a visiting older relative - it's boring for them and besides the younger one had things to do.

If you both worked in ASDA or drove trains or were teachers in a school she wouldn't turn up to your place/s of work - would she ?

Time to set some boundaries - No sorry Mum we are both at work on Monday.

Why did you both book the afternoon off ? just for her to visit ? surely not.
did she travel miles from a distant town ?

tho booking the ' afternoon ' off should be from noon surely as it's in the word ' afternoon ' so from midday or 1pm and I suppose at a push 2pm.

My husband's ex used to do this. I only found out after DH died and I had a phone conversation with his DIL. DH's son and partner both worked from home...

The ex and whichever partner she was with at the time would simply drive down from Scotland to England and turn up at their door...and sit there whilst the son and DIL were trying to get their work done.

We had no idea. The DIL never dared to criticise her MIL in front of DH's son, so this was the first I was told of it. (While I was being told about it, DH's son came into the room and the DIL abruptly changed the topic of conversation.)

The couple of times we'd stayed with the son and DIL we'd arranged beforehand when we were visiting and then did our own thing during the day while they were working - we'd go out for a drive and look at the sights, etc.

It explained a lot. A few times, DH would mention that we planned to try to visit the kids at such and such a time (during my holidays since I was still working), only to be told "Oh, no. I'm going there with [Partner]."

In all that time, we never realised that she was just showing up unexpectedly.

Some people just don't care about the reality of working life for others.

Faceonthewrongfoot · 08/09/2026 12:09

WonderWeeksArentReal · 08/09/2026 12:03

Fundamentally the fault is MILs for arriving so early having been specifically told you weren't available until 2.30. Definitely agree about that.

But I'm confused about how/why this particular day was agreed upon for a visit in the first place, as it sounds like you all had a lot on? WFH that included interviewing, starting college for one DC, post work leaving drinks the night before for other DC. Just doesn't sound like the best day for visitors in the first place tbh.

She suggested coming on Monday and he said that’s fine after 2.30 as we will be working til then. She does some hobbies on other days, always does her food shop on a Thursday, so Monday was the day that suited her. We said the kids might not be around as youngest child’s first days timings/timetable hadn't been confirmed then and we never know when oldest is going to be here, but she was welcome to come and see us after 2.30 and have lunch and dinner.

The OP said in one of her posts - it suited the MIL best to come Monday as it fitted in around her other activities. She was told clearly that they would be working, and that the children might not be around.

TheOnlyWayIsIlford · 08/09/2026 12:06

De-escalate without capitulating

“ Sorry you are upset Mum, but that’s why we said 2.30… work… Ds out all night… dogs always need a walk…it was lovely to see you, se you again soon”

Ifyounevergiveup · 08/09/2026 12:04

I’m the same age as your MIL. She’s being a PITA. You just don’t turn up two hours early anywhere. If she’s worked/is working/has any knowledge at all of modern life, she knows about working from home. I feel sorry for your FIL, he sounds like he knows exactly what she’s like. Could be menopause if she hasn’t always been this way - my mother went vile and stayed that way, sadly!

Original poster
DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 12:04

SereneFinch · 08/09/2026 11:53

Has she explained why she turned up at midday? Did your DH specifically ask her that?

She was planning on going to a few shops before seeing us but changed her mind when there was a big queue to get in the car park so came straight here. We would have been ok with her being early if she looked after herself til we finished work, without moaning afterwards.

OP posts:
gannett · 08/09/2026 12:04

BakersKitchen · 08/09/2026 11:30

I think your son needs to get a bit of a grip. Presumably it was a small amount of work that wasn’t due in the next day? Lots of people have said he was rude. You need to accept that.

If you are the interviewer, you are in control of how long the interview takes so don’t really see why that was a problem either.

The dogs would have survived.

Show quote history

Most people have said the son wasn't rude and I'll say it again - he wasn't rude.

I remember A-level homework and how overwhelming it seemed at the time. It's normal and natural to want to prioritise it. He absolutely shouldn't have sacked it off to run around after a rude, early guest.

WonderWeeksArentReal · 08/09/2026 12:03

Fundamentally the fault is MILs for arriving so early having been specifically told you weren't available until 2.30. Definitely agree about that.

But I'm confused about how/why this particular day was agreed upon for a visit in the first place, as it sounds like you all had a lot on? WFH that included interviewing, starting college for one DC, post work leaving drinks the night before for other DC. Just doesn't sound like the best day for visitors in the first place tbh.

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 08/09/2026 12:03

I think lots of people inc some on this thread have zero concept that people can be doing quite high level roles from home and you can’t just down tools at 2.30pm on dot.
I hate half days as I think the universe knows and inevitably something kicks off. You can’t just walk away mid interview or if a bridge has collapsed.

MsPrufrockk · 08/09/2026 12:02

Brilliant result - I'm glad your DH was able to tell her she was BU, and that your FIL is on your side! I'm baffled by all the people saying you should have stopped working to wait on her hand and foot and made your children do the same 😂

eltondon · 08/09/2026 12:02

I think it’s a bit of 6 of one half a dozen of another.

Your MIL was rude to turn up early, you were rude to not wait to walk the dogs. Eldest DS should have been woken. Youngest DS seems to have been the only one who acted appropriately by spending half an hour with his granny.

I think midweek visits are obviously too stressful

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 12:00

AlwaysExtraHot · 08/09/2026 11:57

Good for your husband. She's a diva/a poor me type, and I would not indulge her either. I might ask if she is having a problem telling the time or needs a new watch/phone.
Those banging on about the sons, give it a rest; the OP has explained many times over, and they were not rude, they were legitimately unavailable or busy.
Also, many people on here don't seem to understand or respect the idea of the OP and DH being busy with work; is that because they were at home? I wonder if you would turn up hours early to meet someone at their office/hospital/factory and then strop because they couldn't immediately come out with you/entertain you?

Imagine being in an interview situation in a physical office and your MIL arrives
and expects you to leave the person you're interviewing to have a chat and make her a coffee? 😂

AlwaysExtraHot · 08/09/2026 11:57

Good for your husband. She's a diva/a poor me type, and I would not indulge her either. I might ask if she is having a problem telling the time or needs a new watch/phone.
Those banging on about the sons, give it a rest; the OP has explained many times over, and they were not rude, they were legitimately unavailable or busy.
Also, many people on here don't seem to understand or respect the idea of the OP and DH being busy with work; is that because they were at home? I wonder if you would turn up hours early to meet someone at their office/hospital/factory and then strop because they couldn't immediately come out with you/entertain you?

Pumpup · 08/09/2026 11:55

You, your husband and your children didn’t do anything wrong IMO.
You made it clear you were both working and that she was early. You were interviewing, you literally had NO time spare.
One child was asleep after a night saying bye before going to uni. I would have left them alone too, but as said, you didn’t have the spare minutes to go and get him any way. Might have sent a sly text under the desk if there was a moment to get away with it saying if you’re awake your Nan’s here.
Your son, I’d be really proud that they were so conscientious and aware of their anxieties and that they absolutely did the right thing for them.
Think your husband did a great job on the call.