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MIL situation after she arrived early

889 replies

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 04:59

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

OP posts:
RVectensian · 08/09/2026 12:57

Bloody hell some of you lot are patronising. At mid 60ies my brother and sister-in-law are running their own very successful business from home, and touring Europe in a huge motorhome in their spare time. If anyone dared suggest they "didn't understand WFH" or had found driving 20 mins "stressful" they'd laugh uproariously. Even my 80 odd year old parents can drive huge distances without a pat on the head.

TheSunBeatsDown · 08/09/2026 12:56

To me, this is all about what type of household you have. My mum isn't a 'visitor' in that sense, she has her own key, comes in, washes up, chats to whichever children are visible and doesn't take it personally if they are busy (they always come to say hi and have 5 min chat, but may then be busy/going out)- and because she's so relaxed and lovely, they love being with her now they are adults!

Who wants to make people pay them attention or to make older teens spend more time with them if they don't want to- being part of a family is being part of the ebb and flow of everyday life.

If she comes once a year, or every few months, this would be rude, if she's a frequent visitor, then she would be so much better off just slotting in- like even offering to make cuppas for everyone and saying hi (my mum used to peek in their bedrooms and say hi and then they come out!)

She's making it stressful to having her visit which is counter-productive to her goal of being closer to everyone.

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 12:56

Dorasdoor · 08/09/2026 12:47

Agree with this, but I think I’d still be disappointed that both grandsons were at home and didn’t even offer a cup of tea. Yes I know one was in bed and the other had homework to do, but I think I’d have told the one in bed to get up if he were my son.

Would you have left interviewing someone to get your son up?

outerspacepotato · 08/09/2026 12:54

She's really entitled. She thinks she should rock on up whenever and you guys stop work and bow and scrape and cater to her.

Your husband's going to have to tell her she was really rude coming so early and her expectations of being catered to were unreasonable on a day you guys were working and your kids either having their first day with check in needed or testing up.

Would she rock up to your work like that? No. You home is your workplace when you're working. She has no respect.

timonandpumba · 08/09/2026 12:52

You’re getting an awful lot of stick here for what seems to me like an easy to read situation of your mil being quite unreasonable. She turned up earlier and therefore wasn’t accommodated until the specified time, that’s not rude or unusual.

My grandma frequently visits us but if for any reason she’s early she would just creep around and help herself to a drink until we were free, she certainly wouldn’t take umbridge at the idea either

BettyBoh · 08/09/2026 12:51

Your kids don’t realiy like her because it sounds like she has never engaged with them properly

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 12:50

Catza · 08/09/2026 12:44

That's fine if that's how you and OP do things. In my family everyone has a phone and we communicate daily even when we don't see each other. So a visit would be communicated as part of a normal update on our day.

It would have been communicated that it was taking place at 2.30pm. Not 12 noon.

Dorasdoor · 08/09/2026 12:50

NancyThompson · 08/09/2026 12:49

OP said he was fast asleep and none the wiser she was even there.

I think that was the mistake OP and DH made; they should have told him as soon as they could. Okay, MIL arrived too early, but I still wouldn’t leave a visiting family member sitting on their own for hours because my DS was out late drinking and therefore mustn’t be disturbed!
Get him to make his granny some tea!

NancyThompson · 08/09/2026 12:49

GoldenSandy · 08/09/2026 11:09

While I think MIL has created her own misery, I think eldest, who is an adult, should have got up and entertained her, made get a cup of tea. As others have said he will be used to cracking on with a hangover and presumably won't see MIL during term time so could have stretched himself a little.

OP said he was fast asleep and none the wiser she was even there.

PetulaGordeno · 08/09/2026 12:47

That’s me told.
Straight out of the Blanche from Corrie almost comedic passive-aggressive playbook.
Her poor husband.

Dorasdoor · 08/09/2026 12:47

WildLeader · 08/09/2026 11:51

i can’t believe the pretzels people are turning themselves into to make YOU the bad guys in this @DrivingHomeToYou

“Mil, come after 2.30pm as we’re working” is clear

rocking up 2.5 hours early is RUDE.

for those of you who have no concept of working/management etc apart from reorganising your handbag collections, let’s make this relatable:

imagine if you arrange a dinner party for 7pm, and everyone turned up at 5.

I’ll leave that with you for the panic to settle in

or imagine your massage appointment is booked for 11am, and you show up at 9, demanding to be seen/catered to?

the second she arrived and saw that both H and OP were in active meetings was the time SHE should have copped herself on, made a cuppa and sat the fuck down. She should’ve apologised for turning up so early. Ideally she should have taken herself back home and come back at the time she was actually invited.

mil is 100% in the wrong here. Not @DrivingHomeToYou , not H, and definitely not the kids.

Agree with this, but I think I’d still be disappointed that both grandsons were at home and didn’t even offer a cup of tea. Yes I know one was in bed and the other had homework to do, but I think I’d have told the one in bed to get up if he were my son.

AlwaysExtraHot · 08/09/2026 12:45

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 08/09/2026 12:03

I think lots of people inc some on this thread have zero concept that people can be doing quite high level roles from home and you can’t just down tools at 2.30pm on dot.
I hate half days as I think the universe knows and inevitably something kicks off. You can’t just walk away mid interview or if a bridge has collapsed.

you can’t just down tools at 2.30pm on dot.
But the point is she was SUPPOSED to come at 2.30, when they would have been ready to see her. She turned up 2.5 hours early.

WhatNextImScared · 08/09/2026 12:45

Greyhound98 · 08/09/2026 05:05

Did you make the arrangements for her to come after 2.30 by text? If so, screenshot it and send it back to her.

This. But get your DH to handle it.

AlwaysExtraHot · 08/09/2026 12:45

eltondon · 08/09/2026 12:02

I think it’s a bit of 6 of one half a dozen of another.

Your MIL was rude to turn up early, you were rude to not wait to walk the dogs. Eldest DS should have been woken. Youngest DS seems to have been the only one who acted appropriately by spending half an hour with his granny.

I think midweek visits are obviously too stressful

Eldest DS should have been woken.
He got in at 8am and it was about midday Hmm
Plus she sees him at least once a fortnight.
Give your head a wobble.

WindsorGreatPark · 08/09/2026 12:44

FullLondonEye · 08/09/2026 12:20

She clearly does or she wouldn't have thrown a strop!

Repeating myself but no, she does not need to be hosted, she wants to be hosted. The difference matters here.

Catza · 08/09/2026 12:44

Faceonthewrongfoot · 08/09/2026 11:42

Because, as the OP has said much earlier in the thread, he'd been staying at his girlfriends or a few nights, and this visit was only arranged the other day. He hasn't been home to know she was coming over, so had no idea until he woke up. The MIL comes over ever couple of weeks, this isn't like a once a year event!

That's fine if that's how you and OP do things. In my family everyone has a phone and we communicate daily even when we don't see each other. So a visit would be communicated as part of a normal update on our day.

AlwaysExtraHot · 08/09/2026 12:43

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 12:00

Imagine being in an interview situation in a physical office and your MIL arrives
and expects you to leave the person you're interviewing to have a chat and make her a coffee? 😂

Edited

Exactly!

Scout2016 · 08/09/2026 12:37

If she'd had lunch first, and come at the agreed time then it would have played out differently. You husband would have been ready, your sons finishing work and getting up, you could have had dinner together and she would have seen move of them.

As it was she rudely came early, stewed for 2 and half hours then left and complained she hadn't been given enough attention when she could have stayed for dinner.

I imagine some small part of herself feels silly and is kicking herself for being early, forcing the realisation that the world doesn't revolve around her and then missing out on a family dinner she would have been looking forward to, just because she was in a funk and left early to sulk.

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 12:32

CarbootJunction · 08/09/2026 12:15

I think the kids need to be taught some manners. The college work could have waited a couple of hours. That was just an excuse.

The woman is probably lonely.

She's married and has stuff on all week. The date was to suit HER social life. So hardly "lonely".

AnswerIsNo · 08/09/2026 12:31

CarbootJunction · 08/09/2026 12:15

I think the kids need to be taught some manners. The college work could have waited a couple of hours. That was just an excuse.

The woman is probably lonely.

I agree, the kid should have broke out his musical skills and entertained her with this

MIL situation after she arrived early
Delatron · 08/09/2026 12:30

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 11:24

My son wanted to get the work done as he didn’t know how long it would take, is anxious about college in general and had football later on, so no he couldn’t really do it later and feel ok.

I couldn’t finish work because I was interviewing someone. Some people have no understanding of other jobs clearly.

The dogs need walking. I asked her to come, she didn’t want to so my husband stayed with her. She doesn’t need both of us there the whole time!

She found out we had booked half days of annual leave all this week and suggested she come over. It wasn’t an issue if she came when we said or looked after herself til we were free when she arrived so early. We could have had all afternoon and evening with her but she stropped off without having dinner which we had planned for her preferences! We often work from 10/11am til 7/8pm so it’s not easy finding time in the week to see her. When we have time off, we try to accommodate.

I’ve said all this already.

This is all fair enough OP and for those that are saying the kids were rude - completely wrong. Well done on your DS for wanting to get in to a routine and get his work done before sport. How dare the MIL be so entitled to turn up early and disrupt this - she is the rude one and not your kids.

And your other DS didn’t even know she was there and had a night out - so what, fair enough!

What people don’t realise is if everyone had entertained this she would have carried on being early and turning up when not invited! You would have been enabling her. It only stops when she is called out.

My MIL turned up hours early on Christmas Day FFS and ruined my chilled morning with my kids. Like I said from now on she gets given a fake time.

Imtornanddontknowwhattodo · 08/09/2026 12:29

YADNBU and glad your DH and FIL nipped this in the bud. SHE chose to arrive early knowing you were working. When people are working, wfh or not makes no difference and have families, you fit around them instead of having a tantrum.

Okay she came early. Could have made herself a drink and watched TV. If it was me I'd see what I could help out with, dishes, meal prep. I know you don't have to and it's not expected but still. I muck in, not sit there like lady muck expecting busy people to pander to me and then have a tantrum because I chose to arrive early. People aren't there for her entertainment.

The teenagers did bother with her but have their own lives and were busy.

Your MIL also could have stayed longer, but left and declined dinner. That was on her.

I wouldn't be accommodating in future. See less of her, only when you have more time and if she complains, remind her. Miserable, ungrateful spoilt woman. She's going to push people away and then wonder why she's lonely.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/09/2026 12:28

Sadly in future your dh does not ' mention ' to his mother that he / the two of you are booking off half days as annual leave.

and next time she asks to visit when you are both free you will probably have to ask ' why ' if you are seeing her and dad the following Sunday anyway.

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 08/09/2026 12:25

I’m really not seeing how the yr12 was rude. He spoke to her and then did his homework. He had no idea she’d be there at that time and could well have opted to stay in library it was just coincidence he was home. She’d been told he was first day at school and may not be around.
If he knew he needed to eat and go to football practice makes sense to crack on with homework especially when it’s unknown quantity.
If he’d left it and waited until late afternoon to start and then had a lot of work he’d not be able to get it done before football. Some teachers start as mean to go on.

PetulaGordeno · 08/09/2026 12:25

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 12:17

I’m mid 60s and wouldn’t dream of behaving like your mil.

I’m a few years younger and totally agree.
I would rather be a natural home where I could make myself a cup of tea (if for some reason I had to be there when there were things going on) than two teenage boys being shoehorned in.
At some point you have to understand that teenagers do their own thing it’s the natural order of things.
If this lady is lonely then she won’t make anyone want her around more by moaning.
She had the opportunity for a late lunch and dinner and got the hump that the von Trapps weren’t at the front door to greet her.
It drives me bloody nuts the demands and the simpering.
My mum was different in that she would get too stuck in. If she was bored and had time on her hands I’d find her cleaning floors or bleaching dishcloths. It was a standing joke - if she was a bit early - has she repainted the kitchen? But she meant well.
There are two fantastic young men here making their way in the world. Would she rather call round and find them gaming, off their nuts in weed?
Young people will come and talk to you if they feel at ease. If they feel awkward they can’t wait to get out of the way.