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MIL situation after she arrived early

889 replies

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 04:59

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

OP posts:
Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 14:40

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 14:36

And yes you should have woken up your other son.

What would you have told the person you were interviewing at the time?

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 08/09/2026 14:40

The eldest was asleep after working late and going out. He had no idea she was coming. He had no idea she was there in the house.
Bonkers to suggest you should be ready to spring out of bed day or night and offer tea and chat.
Like I said earlier I doubt she’d be hosting him if he pops in at end of his workday 2am.

dreamiesformolly · 08/09/2026 14:39

ThisOliveKoala · 08/09/2026 05:52

Your children aren’t the most polite imo, I can imagine if my mum turns up early to my home. I wfh I can step away for a few minutes to make her a cup of tea.

As children there is no way we would have stayed in our room whilst our grandmother sat downstairs twiddling her thumbs.

Then again I’m not British so maybe it’s a culture thing. In my culture what happened to your MIL is extremely rude and would never happen. Yes she came a couple of hours early and so?

'And so'? And so she had to wait. If she'd come at the agreed time the family would have been ready for her.

Do you have endless time to spend entertaining family should they happen to turn up literally hours before they're expected? Most people don't, especially on a work day. Some on this thread seem to be peddling a narrative that older family members must be bowed down to and indulged in all things, personally in this scenario I don't think it was warranted.

ThePurpleShark · 08/09/2026 14:39

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 14:34

It sounds like he lives with a diva and knows it.

absolutely this.

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 14:39

Itsbeenalongtimeincoming · 08/09/2026 14:34

Yeah sorry I think you and your family were rude OP. Yeah your MIL turned up early, but no one did make her feel welcome or tried to accomodate.

2 hours before anyone made her a drink - if this is true you could have taken two minutes

I was late joining them - this part is fine as you were working

The kids were rude by staying in their rooms - yeah they were. Your son in sixth form could have sat for 30 minutes and had a cup of tea. I do believe he was given work, but let's be honest it wouldn't have taken 5 hours. Saying he got home around 3 - and had training 5-7 he had hours.

Your older son should have got up, come down and said hello.

She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs - yeah - you could have walked them later.

You made her feel like she was an inconvenience and even if all of this happened after the agreed time - kids not visiting, dogs being walked as a priortiy etc you didn't manage it well.

Are you a MIL who doesn't respect her children?

AlwaysExtraHot · 08/09/2026 14:38

Itsbeenalongtimeincoming · 08/09/2026 14:34

Yeah sorry I think you and your family were rude OP. Yeah your MIL turned up early, but no one did make her feel welcome or tried to accomodate.

2 hours before anyone made her a drink - if this is true you could have taken two minutes

I was late joining them - this part is fine as you were working

The kids were rude by staying in their rooms - yeah they were. Your son in sixth form could have sat for 30 minutes and had a cup of tea. I do believe he was given work, but let's be honest it wouldn't have taken 5 hours. Saying he got home around 3 - and had training 5-7 he had hours.

Your older son should have got up, come down and said hello.

She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs - yeah - you could have walked them later.

You made her feel like she was an inconvenience and even if all of this happened after the agreed time - kids not visiting, dogs being walked as a priortiy etc you didn't manage it well.

TWO AND A HALF HOURS early.
How is that OK? Really, genuine question, how is that OK?

Why can she not think, oh I'm early, I'll make myself some tea and wait?
And how is it OK for the OP to come out of a meeting to make her one? Considering, again, that she was two and a half hours too early?
The son was being responsible about his work. Many teenagers aren't.
The older son had been out until a few hours previously.
While the OP walked the dogs the DH had some time with his mum. Many people would be pleased about that.
The person who didn't manage it well is the one who displayed nothing but disrespect for others' work/boundaries/simple requests.

NotAtMyAge · 08/09/2026 14:38

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 13:57

It's a bit sad. She probably arrived early because she waa looking forward to see you. . Yes, it was a bit silly of her but it's not the crime of the century. And the general way she was treated aa an afterthought is hurtful. I mean, let's face it, nobody really behaved aa if they were thrilled she was there and she would have felt that very strongly. You dont have very nice manners in your house. If I were a relative, I probably wouldnt bother coming round again where I'm only half welcome. You all sound a bit clueless actuslly.

If you're read the OP's updates you'd have seen that MIL planned to visit some shops, but because there was a long queue at the car park she changed her mind and came 2.5 hours early. She came early because it suited her.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/09/2026 14:38

You're a lucky lady, @DrivingHomeToYou - either that or just very good at choosing Smile

It would be lovely if we could all have DHs who dealt with such issues in the firm but loving way yours spoke to his mum, but how often we see instead "He says it's just what she's like ..."

Raptors · 08/09/2026 14:37

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 14:36

And yes you should have woken up your other son.

I'm sure you'd be delighted to have your interview cut short or interrupted so that the person interviewing you could wake their adult child because their gran can't tell the time... Wink

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 14:36

And yes you should have woken up your other son.

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 14:36

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 14:31

Both your children were rude

Even the one who was fast asleep?

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 08/09/2026 14:35

I think some people genuinely have no idea of sheer breadth of work done from home. The thought of telling a judge in a court hearing hang on a sec I need to make MIL a brew.
I find interviewing full on. You need to give candidates opportunity to reply fully - some want questions repeated, score it etc. An unsuccessful candidate could easily say to HR they lost their train of thought as interviewer left room and had everyone sat there waiting for 10 mins (while she makes mil a cup of tea)

AlwaysExtraHot · 08/09/2026 14:34

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 14:34

It sounds like he lives with a diva and knows it.

Agree.

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 14:34

SixtySomething · 08/09/2026 14:28

Presumably it’s intended as a MIL bashing thread.

The problem with these threads is that there may be something we haven’t been told which accounts for MIL’s sniffy behaviour.
I thought FIL’s plea, don’t fall out with us, son, was sad. It sounds scared to me.

It sounds like he lives with a diva and knows it.

Itsbeenalongtimeincoming · 08/09/2026 14:34

Yeah sorry I think you and your family were rude OP. Yeah your MIL turned up early, but no one did make her feel welcome or tried to accomodate.

2 hours before anyone made her a drink - if this is true you could have taken two minutes

I was late joining them - this part is fine as you were working

The kids were rude by staying in their rooms - yeah they were. Your son in sixth form could have sat for 30 minutes and had a cup of tea. I do believe he was given work, but let's be honest it wouldn't have taken 5 hours. Saying he got home around 3 - and had training 5-7 he had hours.

Your older son should have got up, come down and said hello.

She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs - yeah - you could have walked them later.

You made her feel like she was an inconvenience and even if all of this happened after the agreed time - kids not visiting, dogs being walked as a priortiy etc you didn't manage it well.

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 14:31

Both your children were rude

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 14:29

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 14:22

Actually, if I were at work and had a meeting and someone turned up I might very well nip into the kitchen and make them a quick cuppa. Admittedly my workplace is relaxed but.....

Very relaxed. Especially if people can ignore the people they are in a meeting with to make a cup of tea for a visitor who arrived 2.5 hours early.

SixtySomething · 08/09/2026 14:28

nam3c4ang3 · 08/09/2026 11:21

It doesnt matter OP - im not sure what you want a bunch of strangers to tell you? You yourself feel neither you, nor your children were rude or unreasonable, so why bother posting? I dont think you or your husband were btw- the kids could have done better, but then again - you say they did fine, so im not sure what you want from this thread?

Presumably it’s intended as a MIL bashing thread.

The problem with these threads is that there may be something we haven’t been told which accounts for MIL’s sniffy behaviour.
I thought FIL’s plea, don’t fall out with us, son, was sad. It sounds scared to me.

ThePurpleShark · 08/09/2026 14:24

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 14:22

Actually, if I were at work and had a meeting and someone turned up I might very well nip into the kitchen and make them a quick cuppa. Admittedly my workplace is relaxed but.....

I hope you are not a manager because if you disappear in the middle of a meeting to make a cup of tea to a private visitor that shouldn't even be there in the first place, you are unbelievably rude and unprofessional

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 14:24

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 14:16

Oh come off it. Nobody could put a teabag in a cup, boil a kettle and give a cup of tea. This household sounds bloody clueless. They better learn pretty quick. I dont fancy the kids chances later in life if they have this sort of example at home. Walkong the fogs and loafing around in bed is more important than a very basic courtesy to a close relative.

There was absolutely no need for that awful post.

AllOoopsiesNoDaisies · 08/09/2026 14:24

I had this trouble for years with my family and I was always so polite about it and accommodating towards them when they turned up early which was a huge mistake.

It stopped the day DH had been abroad for 11 weeks and had just got home after a long delay. My parents were meant to arrive at 3 for us to go to an event starting at 5. I confirmed this with them and said I just wanted a bit of time with DH when he got back so please don’t come until after 3. DH got back at 1:30. They turned up at 1:45. After trying the locked front door they opened the gate and came through the back door of our house to find us in a very compromising position in the hallway.

My mum was angry at me for not being guest ready. I told her I was more angry at her for interrupting the first time I’d had sex in almost 3 months.

They haven’t been early since but there was a period of mum calling up when they were 5 minutes away and telling me to make sure we were decent 😂

ThePurpleShark · 08/09/2026 14:23

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 14:16

Oh come off it. Nobody could put a teabag in a cup, boil a kettle and give a cup of tea. This household sounds bloody clueless. They better learn pretty quick. I dont fancy the kids chances later in life if they have this sort of example at home. Walkong the fogs and loafing around in bed is more important than a very basic courtesy to a close relative.

The kids sound brilliant. They're not silly push over, know how to prioritise what is important, they were polite and just getting on quietly with their plans. Or sleeping like other adults would have too.

That's how well raised kids are.

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 14:22

MyLittleNest · 08/09/2026 14:09

They both work from home! That is no different than working in an office. If she'd shown up at their office would you have expected them to skip out of their meetings and interviews just to entertain her and show "good manners"? She has no respect for their work day!

Talk about clueless!

Edited

Actually, if I were at work and had a meeting and someone turned up I might very well nip into the kitchen and make them a quick cuppa. Admittedly my workplace is relaxed but.....

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 14:21

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 14:10

Why on earth did you invite her if it was a day when you were all doing something else.

READ THE THREAD.

QueenCamillaMW · 08/09/2026 14:20

Bikechic · 08/09/2026 14:09

I understand about your son wanting to do his homework, but as the only member of the family available why couldn't he offer to make his grandma a cup of tea? That is basic hospitality that he should know by now. However, my DM and MIL recognise that they are part of the village and would understand that teenagers need reminding. 'Are you putting the kettle on?' would've been their go to question.

I hate passive aggressive, rhetorical questions like that.

It makes me want to reply with 'No, I'm not'.

She could have made herself a cup of tea if it was that important to her.

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