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MIL situation after she arrived early

889 replies

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 04:59

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

OP posts:
Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 15:16

ThePurpleShark · 08/09/2026 14:23

The kids sound brilliant. They're not silly push over, know how to prioritise what is important, they were polite and just getting on quietly with their plans. Or sleeping like other adults would have too.

That's how well raised kids are.

Haaaaaa.

KippyMcKippy · 08/09/2026 15:16

Sorry not read all the thread.

OP, why are you giving this any thought. It’s not your Mum. Leave it all to your husband to deal with.
I get on with my MIL but never text or make arrangements with her. I don’t even think we have each others numbers.
I deal with my family and my husband deals with his.
I would give advice if my husband asks but other wise I’d carry on with my day.
He can manage how the kids interact with her too. Step back and don’t worry about it.
She doesnt sound very nice though.

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 15:12

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 14:55

I certainly have woken up or was woken up to be polite to people - my relatives and not my relatives- with a hangover, yes.

first of all it’s his grandmother not some rando
second of all, he knew she was coming and at least could have woken up himself by 2-30 but he didn’t bother
third, not sure why are you painting such a dramatic picture of someone being so flustered by a cup of tea. However these people function at work I wonder.

it wasn’t nice that grandma came early but rudeness of sons was unrelated to her being early

He didn't know she was coming as you would know if you had READ THE THREAD.

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 15:10

Delatron · 08/09/2026 15:08

None of this would have been an issue if she’d turned up on time and stayed for dinner as planned! Everyone would have finished their work, the DS would have woken up.

What some are missing is this shows quite worrying personality traits which shouldn’t be pandered too - passive agression, being a martyr, entitlement, rude behaviour. You don’t enable this by everyone singing to her tune. Otherwise it becomes repeated behaviour. The fact she refused to stay for dinner out of spite - again passive aggressive, martyrish behaviour .

The only rude person here is MIL. And good job the DH called her out on it. Do not entertain this shit from her As it only escalates (bitter experience).

Strange how some people can’t see this. It seems pretty obvious mil has a touch of the empress about her and was put out by the lack of fawning.

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 15:09

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 14:50

Her eldest came down an hour before she left, at 4-30. It’s in the original post.
it had nothing to do with her being early. He should have gotten down at 2-30/3 pm. He is rude but it’s not surprising given that he’s babied and has no expectations of good manners
poor boo boo absolutely required all day of sleep because he went out with work colleagues even though he knew his grandmother was coming

She left EARLY in a huff. A grown woman.

Delatron · 08/09/2026 15:08

None of this would have been an issue if she’d turned up on time and stayed for dinner as planned! Everyone would have finished their work, the DS would have woken up.

What some are missing is this shows quite worrying personality traits which shouldn’t be pandered too - passive agression, being a martyr, entitlement, rude behaviour. You don’t enable this by everyone singing to her tune. Otherwise it becomes repeated behaviour. The fact she refused to stay for dinner out of spite - again passive aggressive, martyrish behaviour .

The only rude person here is MIL. And good job the DH called her out on it. Do not entertain this shit from her As it only escalates (bitter experience).

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 15:08

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 15:03

Would you have woken him up if she turned up on time though?

They used to see her a lot so my mum being here was no biggie. But if I’d said to her he was asleep because he’d had a heavy night she would have said don’t wake him. My mum was nothing like what OP’s mil sounds like though.

NotAtMyAge · 08/09/2026 15:08

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 14:50

Her eldest came down an hour before she left, at 4-30. It’s in the original post.
it had nothing to do with her being early. He should have gotten down at 2-30/3 pm. He is rude but it’s not surprising given that he’s babied and has no expectations of good manners
poor boo boo absolutely required all day of sleep because he went out with work colleagues even though he knew his grandmother was coming

Yet another who hasn't read all the OP's posts before commenting so critically. 🙄OP explained that elder son DIDN'T know his grandmother was coming because he'd been staying at his girlfriend's when the arrangement for this visit was made. He got up and came down when he woke up which was fine and even sorted out a problem with her phone. MIL sees them about once a fortnight and they are all having a meal together next Saturday, so this visit wasn't anything special.

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 15:03

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 15:01

I would not wake my sons to see my own mother never mind my mil, if she turned up two hours esrly and my mum would have been fine with it (and apologetic about being so early).

She’s old (she’s not), she’s lonely (she’s not). Why the infantilising of this grown ass woman by some posters?

Would you have woken him up if she turned up on time though?

Skodacool · 08/09/2026 15:03

THisbackwithavengeance · 08/09/2026 07:05

My Mum would’ve arrived, made herself a tea and a sandwich and cracked on with the ironing.

But it sounds like she’s a more formal guest. It’s not use you asking us if she’s unreasonable as she clearly thinks you were. And whether you go back to her and say well Mumsnet says blah blah it makes no difference. You’re always going to get anti MIL answers on here from posters who wouldn’t piss on their MIL if she was on fire.

It wouldn’t have hurt your eldest DS to get out of his pit and chat to his Gran would it? And could the college work have been postponed for a couple of hours?

But I find it difficult to believe that even though you and DH were WFH, you couldn’t have tagged teamed to ensure that his mum was looked after and not ignored.

I think you made a point of ignoring her out of chagrin that she was early.

Unbelievable!

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 08/09/2026 15:02

Why don’t people read ops updates. You can click to read all posts. The uni aged lad has no idea she’s coming. After working 60 hours and a leaving do you wouldn’t set an alarm on the off chance gran pops in!
Your poor FIL. Does your DH see him on his own? I’d be inclined if I was him to arrange some men only trips out.

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 15:02

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 14:42

he didn’t have to be woken up immediately but should have been woken up way earlier than 1h before MIL left, don’t bring interviewing here as some impossible barrier. Interview didn’t last from 12 to 16

None of that makes sense.

AlwaysExtraHot · 08/09/2026 15:02

Itsbeenalongtimeincoming · 08/09/2026 14:52

Are you able to understand that just because I don't agree doesn't mean that I don't understand?

I perfectly understand. I don't agree. Are you able to understand that?

Questioning someone's understanding isn't an argument. It's a 'I don't like what you are saying and because you don't agree with me I am going to throw shade'.

Edited

I don't know what else to say. You think the OP should have happily hosted someone 2.5 hours early because for you personally that would have been OK.
It's a basic incomprehension of other people having different situations and reasons.

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 15:02

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 08/09/2026 14:58

You’d seriously find it ok to be woken after 6 hours sleep so say 4am tomorrow as a relative has turned up out of blue and wants tea and to chat..I wouldn’t.
He’s worked until 2am then gone out on an arranged leaving do. He’s no idea gran is coming over if you read the updates. He’s been working long hours and staying at girlfriends. It sounds like he did get up late afternoon, presumably got showered and changed and saw gran and fixed her phone before she bizarrely chose to leave early.
If I was him and knew she’d said I was rude I’d sack off the family meal on Saturday and go back to uni.

What a fragile flower that boy is.
I used to go to work after 2 hours of sleep (after a night out), let alone getting up after 6 hours to chat to own grandmother.
heck even now I get up with 5-6 hours of sleep if needed.
can you imagine?
and most young people are capable of that.
if he didn’t know his grandmother was coming or was there it is on his parents to let him know. But because they are rude that of course didn’t cross their mind

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 15:01

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 14:40

Of course. He was not ill convalescing in bed. He was sleeping because he was pissed the night before. He should have gotten up and his parents should have woken him up.

and yes I’ve been drinking all night before and going to bed at 6 am in my life many many times

I would not wake my sons to see my own mother never mind my mil, if she turned up two hours esrly and my mum would have been fine with it (and apologetic about being so early).

She’s old (she’s not), she’s lonely (she’s not). Why the infantilising of this grown ass woman by some posters?

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 15:00

Itsbeenalongtimeincoming · 08/09/2026 14:41

Nope not even close. Still working with school aged children.

Are you someone that doesn't accomdate family and find flexibility where they can to be nice?

I do accommodate family. I don't expect my sons and husband to accommodate them as much as I do when they arrive unexpectedly and they have other things to do. A quick hello, sorry in the middle of something, just leaving, great to see you etc is enough for me and the family who rocked up unexpectedly.

2Rebecca · 08/09/2026 14:59

I would be clear than in future she doesn’t turn up early. Turning up to visit anyone 2 1/2 hours early is unreasonable particularly if you only live 20 miles away. She could have gone to a café in town. People don’t regard working from home as real working. If you had said you won’t be home from work until 2.30 then she wouldn’t have rocked up that early. It sounds as though you should have said 3 or 3.30 anyway so you allowed time for over running and dog walking.

pluggedunplugged · 08/09/2026 14:59

fashionqueen0123 · 08/09/2026 14:53

I feel sorry for his Dad, sounds like he knows exactly what she's like - and he has to live with her! I hope your husband reassured him.

I actually think the Dad is being a little disloyal.

Itsbeenalongtimeincoming · 08/09/2026 14:59

AlwaysExtraHot · 08/09/2026 14:53

Thank you, yes, I am able.
You say 'it would be fine for me'. That suggests that you don't understand that it might not be fine for someone else.

Jesus wept.

momtoboys · 08/09/2026 14:58

I don't think I have ever see a poll so close!

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 08/09/2026 14:58

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 14:50

Her eldest came down an hour before she left, at 4-30. It’s in the original post.
it had nothing to do with her being early. He should have gotten down at 2-30/3 pm. He is rude but it’s not surprising given that he’s babied and has no expectations of good manners
poor boo boo absolutely required all day of sleep because he went out with work colleagues even though he knew his grandmother was coming

You’d seriously find it ok to be woken after 6 hours sleep so say 4am tomorrow as a relative has turned up out of blue and wants tea and to chat..I wouldn’t.
He’s worked until 2am then gone out on an arranged leaving do. He’s no idea gran is coming over if you read the updates. He’s been working long hours and staying at girlfriends. It sounds like he did get up late afternoon, presumably got showered and changed and saw gran and fixed her phone before she bizarrely chose to leave early.
If I was him and knew she’d said I was rude I’d sack off the family meal on Saturday and go back to uni.

Lobelia123 · 08/09/2026 14:57

Sounds like MIL has main character syndrome. Im so beloved and important that life must grind to a halt so everyone can revolve around me the minute I arrive, despite being two and a half hours early and knowing that they were committed to doing other things on the day. She is absolutely spoilt and ridiculous. Pay no attention to the guilt tripping, just carry on being pleasant and reasonable and dont pander to her silliness. poor old FIL - that plaintive note sounded like he sees the ridiculousness of it and that it could easily tip over into all of you getting thoroughly fed up with her and by extension with him too.

cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · 08/09/2026 14:57

It is incredible how many people are defending the MIL. She was left on her own for 2.5 hours because she turned up before she was told it was a good time to turn up. She was told why it wouldn't be a good idea to turn up earlier.
Just because someone works from home doesn't mean they have any more flexibility during the working day than other people. You have to work around other people in terms of arranging meetings etc. You can't step out of a meeting any more than someone in a physical office can. Plus if you are quite senior you might have things to deal with that no one else can.

MIL could have made herself useful by doing some housework etc. At the very least she could have made herself a cup of tea and turned the telly on.

NotAtMyAge · 08/09/2026 14:56

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 14:40

Of course. He was not ill convalescing in bed. He was sleeping because he was pissed the night before. He should have gotten up and his parents should have woken him up.

and yes I’ve been drinking all night before and going to bed at 6 am in my life many many times

MIL was entirely in the wrong and should have fallen over herself not to interrupt and just looked after herself until the agreed time. Turning up 2.5 hours early on a working and college day is appallingly rude and inconsiderate to the whole family, not just the parents working from home. It's not as though MIL doesn't see them regularly as OP has explained.

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 14:56

theemmadilemma · 08/09/2026 14:54

So in your culture you can decide because your MIL came into your place of work that you can just leave for the day then and there? Pray do tell where working conditions are like this?

It's rude to arrive early. The told her they were working and on meetings.

You can't just leave a meeting because a parent decides WFH doesn't really mean you have a job.

IMO the kids were not rude, they aren't there to entertain GP. One said hello and then had homework, one was not awake and said hello when he was. Maybe if she'd arrived at the arranged time, they'd have both been available?

That’s definitely cultural. Kids are not there to entertain their grandmother? Like she’s some nuisance and not a grandmother? Wow