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MIL situation after she arrived early

889 replies

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 04:59

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

OP posts:
JahanaraBegum · 08/09/2026 15:50

Oh my god-- she turned up when you said you would all be busy then moaned you were busy. You were very patient to still do your best with her when she arrived. People are bonkers on here sometimes.

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 15:49

QueenCamillaMW · 08/09/2026 15:33

In your culture it is the role of children to entertain older relatives???

Do they put on dance routines and comedy sketches for them?

They have to be respectful and polite and spend time with them when they come over, yes. Also congratulate them with birthdays and make time to visit them/ Hardly revolutionary.
not bothering to spend time with grandma when she visits is rude

Floatlikeafeather2 · 08/09/2026 15:47

PoppySeedBagelRedux · 08/09/2026 13:24

If I’d been her, I would have made you and your husband cups of tea.

How would that have helped? They were both working and it's not appropriate for someone to be clonking in and out with cups of tea when you're in a meeting or, even worse, interviewing someone. That would have made mil even more in the wrong.

Delatron · 08/09/2026 15:47

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 15:10

Strange how some people can’t see this. It seems pretty obvious mil has a touch of the empress about her and was put out by the lack of fawning.

I always wonder if it’s because they have those qualities themselves or they were brought up around them that they can’t see them for what they are.

My Mum would never behave like this. This is why I was so shocked when my MIL did. It stands out a mile when it’s not a behaviour that is normal to
you. To be honest my DH has inherited a touch of her passive aggressive, martyrish behaviour and it’s really off-putting. Such awful qualities and he often doesn’t see it with her.

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 15:46

Differentforgirls · 08/09/2026 15:12

He didn't know she was coming as you would know if you had READ THE THREAD.

I’ve read the thread. His parents should have told him/should have woken him up
at 2-30/3 pm

CuteOrangeElephant · 08/09/2026 15:45

It's so clear how some people on here view working from home as not really working.

My mum tried similar once. Arrived two hours before the end of my work day expecting to be invited in for a cup of tea. I had to tell her sorry, I have a meeting. To her credit she has not tried to do this again.

TallagallaPenguin · 08/09/2026 15:41

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 15:23

Yeah but in a loving.family you wouldnt think that was a criminal offence, would you. Inconvenient, sure. But just being ignored and not even a cup of tea. Bit shabby.

If for some reason I really needed to turn up 2.5 hours early to a busy household of family members, I would make myself a cup of tea, and keep out of their way reading my book / phone / audiobook / telly etc till they were free. I wouldn’t sit there helplessly wondering why nobody was making me hot drinks and fuming quietly.

Eightfor15 · 08/09/2026 15:37

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 14:10

Why on earth did you invite her if it was a day when you were all doing something else.

For fucks sake. She was invited for after they had fucking finished.

outerspacepotato · 08/09/2026 15:36

You made her feel like she was an inconvenience

She was an inconvenience. OP and her husband told her they would be working. It was her kid's first school day and he had work to do. The other was sleeping it off.

She got seen to when they were able to. She just expected them to stop everything to cater to her when she arrived rudely early and that's an absurd expectation when you're visiting a very busy working family on a school day. Then she had an obnoxious tantrum and in response, OP's husband has set boundaries around her visits. So now she just can't do the visits when it suits her and being an inconvenience. FAFO for her being a pain in the ass.

Goodmorningeveryone26 · 08/09/2026 15:34

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 11:14

93% that I’m not being unreasonable. Thank you!

Husband has spoken to his mum. He told her that as she turned up 2.5 hours early on a day she knew we were working and we had said the kids may not be free, that she should have looked after herself after being told to help herself to anything she fancies. He also said that she’s wrong to call our children rude when our oldest didn’t even know she was coming and our youngest had plans to do his work after his very important and stressful first day. He told her that if she can’t cope with me being a little late because my work ran over, our dogs needing walking regardless of who visits, and general life still continuing, then she will have to visit less often when we can put a couple of hours completely aside to formerly greet and host her. He said he found it offensive for her to say we made no effort when we spent the whole afternoon chatting to her, bought food in that she likes for lunch (and dinner that she didn’t even stay for), cooked lunch and generally waited on her from 2.30pm.

Her response was ‘well that’s me told’. He confirmed the time of the meal for our son at the weekend and she said ‘am I even wanted to be there’. He told her to stop trying to be the victim, that of course she is wanted, but that she has to be considerate to all of our lives.

He described her as frosty. He ended the conversation saying he had to start work and told her he loves her, so hopefully the meal will be ok.

His dad has messaged him to say that he heard the whole conversation and he doesn’t understand why she has done and said what she has and has told her she needs to apologise. I felt really sad as his dad wrote ‘please don’t fall out with us son’ at the end of his text. My husband said we wouldn’t but that his mum needs to be more considerate and realise we make loads of effort to see them even when we are really busy so it’s hurtful for his mum to say we made no effort.

sounds like your DH and his dad have handled this well. I wouldn’t worry about replying to all the posters saying your children are rude etc. you’ve explained everything well and clearly and your MIL will hopefully have a think and realise she’s being silly

NotAtMyAge · 08/09/2026 15:34

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 15:30

I think we all know things are slightly different when people are working from home.

Why on earth should things be different? Our DD and SiL both work from home, as does DS about half the week. We wouldn't dream of even messaging them during working hours except in an emergency. They both live a long way from us in different directions, so visits are planned well in advance, which makes things easier all round.

SailingYachty · 08/09/2026 15:34

I work from home exclusively and am often on back to back client calls, it would not be appreciated if I had to leave a training session for a few hundred people to make my MIL a cup of tea. I’d probably be fired!

Twilight7777 · 08/09/2026 15:33

Definitely not unreasonable, she was the rude one for turning up 2.5 hours before agreed upon time. I disagree with the posters who say your sons should have been entertaining her, it’s not their job to facilitate her when she turned up early, both had reasons for not being there. I’d just send her the text showing the time you all agreed on and say, when we agreed on a time, that was non negotiable, and one like poster said, she wouldn’t turn up at your place of work if you worked outside of home.

QueenCamillaMW · 08/09/2026 15:33

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 14:56

That’s definitely cultural. Kids are not there to entertain their grandmother? Like she’s some nuisance and not a grandmother? Wow

In your culture it is the role of children to entertain older relatives???

Do they put on dance routines and comedy sketches for them?

MyOliveViewer · 08/09/2026 15:33

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 15:30

I think we all know things are slightly different when people are working from home.

Not necessarily, my DS has a very good job working from home, as in he works from home. He takes lunch break, has a quick coffee break mid morning and that’s it. There’s no joining in stuff, if I have had to bother him about something he gets extremely stressed.

dreamiesformolly · 08/09/2026 15:32

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 15:30

I think we all know things are slightly different when people are working from home.

No they're not. Not while the work in question is being carried out.

SailingYachty · 08/09/2026 15:32

Totally with you OP, I can imagine my mother doing something like this, despite being retired and having limited things booked in to do all week. Respect works both ways and MIL was being disrespectful to believe her time/experience is more important than yours and your family’s.

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 15:30

dreamiesformolly · 08/09/2026 15:21

Would you 'welcome' a family member into your place of work during your workday, when they had been clearly told you were working till x time and would be free to spend time with them then?

I'm assuming not, so why is it any different when the work is being done in someone's home?

I think we all know things are slightly different when people are working from home.

Ilady · 08/09/2026 15:30

I think that some mil and fil have no idea of working from home and family life.

You mil is not happy because you did not dance attendance on her when she called over 2 hours early. She needs to realise this is what happens if she arrives 2 hours early. Your husband needs to say to her that working from home still means that you have meetings, team calls ect and with the kids getting older they are busy with school, college and work. I would not have her around in your home during the week going forward.

I have friends with older parents say in there mid 70's and above. Some of these parents seem to think that the world should revolve around them and there needs. Meanwhile they have adult kids with there own families and both of the parents could be in work. Yet they have this expectation that adult kids can be available at a moments notice. The same adult kids can work around them and there needs as they get older regarding care and driving them to doctors, hospital's, food shopping, hairdressers ect.

One friend of mine has applied for a job with hours of work when her kids are in school. She knows with this job she won't be as available for care or to drive her mother to appointment ect in the coming years. Another friend of mine was advised by a friend to change jobs to one with more hours so they won't be as available for when elderly parents need care. The same parents have money to pay for care if they need it.

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 15:27

NotAtMyAge · 08/09/2026 14:44

A woman in her mid-60s who arrives at 12 instead of 2.30 could easily have put her own tea-bag in a mug and occupied herself until her working son and daughter-in-law were free to talk to her at the pre-arranged time. Younger son didn't get home from college until 1 and elder son didn't even know his grandma was coming as he was staying over at his girlfriend's when the arrangement was made. Why on earth can't you read the OP's updates before asking yet more questions? 🙄

Well, I'm assuming neither of these people is the CEO of Shell Oil, so I guess they could have found five minutes.

Movingonup313 · 08/09/2026 15:24

"The invite was from 2.30pm onwards. After that at least one.of us was with you for the duration of your visit. Dog walk re-arranged to accommodate your visit. Time booked off work x 2 to accommodate your visit. Sorry it wasnt good enough for you"

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 15:23

NotAtMyAge · 08/09/2026 14:38

If you're read the OP's updates you'd have seen that MIL planned to visit some shops, but because there was a long queue at the car park she changed her mind and came 2.5 hours early. She came early because it suited her.

Yeah but in a loving.family you wouldnt think that was a criminal offence, would you. Inconvenient, sure. But just being ignored and not even a cup of tea. Bit shabby.

dreamiesformolly · 08/09/2026 15:21

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 13:57

It's a bit sad. She probably arrived early because she waa looking forward to see you. . Yes, it was a bit silly of her but it's not the crime of the century. And the general way she was treated aa an afterthought is hurtful. I mean, let's face it, nobody really behaved aa if they were thrilled she was there and she would have felt that very strongly. You dont have very nice manners in your house. If I were a relative, I probably wouldnt bother coming round again where I'm only half welcome. You all sound a bit clueless actuslly.

Would you 'welcome' a family member into your place of work during your workday, when they had been clearly told you were working till x time and would be free to spend time with them then?

I'm assuming not, so why is it any different when the work is being done in someone's home?

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 15:20

outerspacepotato · 08/09/2026 14:12

Of course they weren't thrilled she was there, she showed up two and a half hours early and they were working. That was rude and disrespectful. Their jobs are hiw they put food on the table and keep a roof over their head. MIL feels put out because she expects them to just drop everything for when she deigns to show up and that's not happening.

Nobody's thrilled to see a disrespectful, rude person who throws a tantrum about not being catered to during someone else's working hours. I'd be seeing her a whole lot less and I see those nice boundaries OP's husband has now put up because of her entitled behaviour.

Not even a cup of tea ? Nah. Ignorant family.

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 15:19

ThePurpleShark · 08/09/2026 14:18

If someone ever invites you for diner, it doesn't mean they are sitting doing nothing all day until you arrive 😂

Same thing. Arrive at the time you are invited, or the time you arranged when you invite yourself, and assume that people are busy and have a life and plans before that agreed time. I assure you they do!

I dont know. Depends whether they invited me for diner or dinner. Ah ha ha ha ha.