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MIL situation after she arrived early

889 replies

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 04:59

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 08/09/2026 16:23

PrincessFairyWren · 08/09/2026 10:42

I think this is a communication problem rather than "let's punish an entitled mother in law problem". Yes she came early, so surely apologising and giving her time when you are finished work is fine, rather than going off and walking the dog. Surely your kids could have asked her if she wanted Netflix and a cup of tea while she waited. I know you told her after 2:30pm but just explain it to her again. She doesn't understand work from home, so explain it to her. I don't think she sounds malicious. My MIL would do this sort of thing, but she also changed about 1000 nappies on my husband's bum and probably deserves a bit of bandwidth.

Pretty much every single mum has changed thousands of nappies as the bare minimum of caring for the child they chose to have. It isn't an IOU to be redeemed by making unreasonable demands on your adult children.

It sounds as though OP's MIL doesn't understand work full stop, not just working from home as she has never gone out to work. It seems to have made her quite entitled.

aloris · 08/09/2026 16:23

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 11:42

Stop being goady. You sound unpleasant about a just 16 year old boy trying his best. How sad, and you should get a grip to need to put a child down in that way.

He is doing 4 A levels and had pre reading and questions for each. He did the reading and questions for the two subjects he has today which took about 3 hours which aligns with what his tutors said it should take. He spoke to his nan after he finished the work, ate dinner, went to football training, came back, showered and went straight to bed at 9.30 as he had to be up early today.

I was one person on a panel of interviewers, so no, I don’t get to end the interview. You’re clueless.

I like my dogs to thrive and be happy, not just survive.

Even if you were the only interviewer, it would be inappropriate for you to cut the interview off early just because a social guest came over (and came over early!). You are working. You have an obligation to focus on your paid work when you are working, and to complete your tasks in an adequate manner.

Delatron · 08/09/2026 16:22

It would have been helpful if she could have walked the dogs no? Instead of sitting around wanting to be waited on…

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 16:21

NotAtMyAge · 08/09/2026 16:18

She's in her mid-60s, mobile, still driving and with a husband, friends and hobbies. If she can't make herself a cup of tea and entertain herself until the arranged time, after turning up so early for no better reason than it was convenient for her, she's selfish, verging on narcissistic.

Ahaaaaaaaaa. Narcissistic. 😂

NotAtMyAge · 08/09/2026 16:21

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 15:27

Well, I'm assuming neither of these people is the CEO of Shell Oil, so I guess they could have found five minutes.

They were both working in close collaboration with colleagues in meetings and interviews AS OP HAS ALREADY EXPLAINED, so NO, they couldn't just take time out to make tea and chat. 🙄 I'm starting to think you're just being deliberately obtuse.

Pumpkin791 · 08/09/2026 16:21

She turned up two hours early and her son and DIL were wfh. Why didn’t SHE make the tea for the three of them and pop it into them?

thegrumblingkitten · 08/09/2026 16:20

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/09/2026 13:13

I am a MIL in my 60s, and my son and his wife have a busy, busy household - one reception age dd and twin toddler dds, and even though I am disabled, I wouldn't dream of expecting them to drop everything and attend to me, especially if I arrived early. I am more than happy to sit quietly until they are free.

My mum who is in her 80s would feel exactly the same as you and I will, too, down the line should I be the visiting parent/grandparent with busy, working children.

NotAtMyAge · 08/09/2026 16:18

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 15:23

Yeah but in a loving.family you wouldnt think that was a criminal offence, would you. Inconvenient, sure. But just being ignored and not even a cup of tea. Bit shabby.

She's in her mid-60s, mobile, still driving and with a husband, friends and hobbies. If she can't make herself a cup of tea and entertain herself until the arranged time, after turning up so early for no better reason than it was convenient for her, she's selfish, verging on narcissistic.

mcmooberry · 08/09/2026 16:18

You are absolutely not BU, glad your DH is onboard about this and seems to be able to communicate with his parents. As someone who hasn't worked herself she probably has no understanding of the working world. I think seeing her every 2 weeks is plenty!
The only thing I might have done differently to make her feel properly welcome would be to insist she stayed for dinner not just ask if she wanted to.

diddl · 08/09/2026 16:17

What dogs do you have?

I'd have walked them if I could!

ThePurpleShark · 08/09/2026 16:16

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 16:07

I agree with everything you say and the ironic thing is the mil isn’t even old so she (and certain posters) can’t use that as an excuse.

the 2h30 is ridiculous as it is, but it's her tantrum that is astonishing 😂

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 16:15

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 16:04

Can you explain how your working day from home is different then so that those who can’t just drop everything can understand your view better. When my son was working from home his work space was a no go area. When my sister stayed for a few days and had to wfh we closed the door on her room and didn’t disturb her, just like with my son. What is your own wfh job daygloboo?

Right. Wfh. I'd be a rich woman if i had a pound for every time I phoned somewhere and heard dogs barking, children crying , irrelevant conversations in the background, or being put in hold coz the person didnt know what they were talking about. So I'm not very impressed with people's commitment to wfh .....and I certainly dont think you couldnt take 5 minutes out to make someone a cup of tea.

NancyThompson · 08/09/2026 16:10

OneNewEagle · 08/09/2026 16:01

Yes you were all rude. Mil should have arrived at the agreed time. The grandkids should have spent time with their granny. You should not have walked the dogs until later.

The plan was for the MIL to stay for dinner though, so the dogs needed walked before as far as OP knew. She also offered for them all to go and MIL said no, she then had her son for company.

NancyThompson · 08/09/2026 16:07

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 15:20

Not even a cup of tea ? Nah. Ignorant family.

Yes, they should totally have excused themselves from a work meeting (in OPs case she was interviewing) to go and make a cup of tea. That would have looked super professional.

Also the MIL presumably has a working pair of hands.

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 16:07

ThePurpleShark · 08/09/2026 15:59

I am glad I am in a culture where we teach children that they are not second-class citizens, that respect is earned and if grand-parents are disrespectful or inappropriate, they don't have to accept it.

We also teach them that school work and existing plans are important, and the polite thing is to respect others and their time.

Being old doesn't give you a free pass to become rude and entitled like the grand-mother is

not bothering to spend time with grandma when she visits is rude
When it was not planned that she would come it's not rude, It's being busy.

If we don't want our kids to turn into in-laws from hell, it's never too early to teach them manners and what is acceptable behaviour

I agree with everything you say and the ironic thing is the mil isn’t even old so she (and certain posters) can’t use that as an excuse.

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 16:05

Eightfor15 · 08/09/2026 15:37

For fucks sake. She was invited for after they had fucking finished.

Keep your wig on dear.

BunnyLake · 08/09/2026 16:04

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 15:30

I think we all know things are slightly different when people are working from home.

Can you explain how your working day from home is different then so that those who can’t just drop everything can understand your view better. When my son was working from home his work space was a no go area. When my sister stayed for a few days and had to wfh we closed the door on her room and didn’t disturb her, just like with my son. What is your own wfh job daygloboo?

CuteOrangeElephant · 08/09/2026 16:03

I'm a bit confused when people say OP shouldn't have walked the dogs. MIL was going to stay for dinner so that means the dogs wouldn't have gone out til gone 7 o'clock? I don't know much about dogs but that seems like a long time.

OneNewEagle · 08/09/2026 16:01

Yes you were all rude. Mil should have arrived at the agreed time. The grandkids should have spent time with their granny. You should not have walked the dogs until later.

JamJar187 · 08/09/2026 15:59

DrivingHomeToYou · 08/09/2026 11:14

93% that I’m not being unreasonable. Thank you!

Husband has spoken to his mum. He told her that as she turned up 2.5 hours early on a day she knew we were working and we had said the kids may not be free, that she should have looked after herself after being told to help herself to anything she fancies. He also said that she’s wrong to call our children rude when our oldest didn’t even know she was coming and our youngest had plans to do his work after his very important and stressful first day. He told her that if she can’t cope with me being a little late because my work ran over, our dogs needing walking regardless of who visits, and general life still continuing, then she will have to visit less often when we can put a couple of hours completely aside to formerly greet and host her. He said he found it offensive for her to say we made no effort when we spent the whole afternoon chatting to her, bought food in that she likes for lunch (and dinner that she didn’t even stay for), cooked lunch and generally waited on her from 2.30pm.

Her response was ‘well that’s me told’. He confirmed the time of the meal for our son at the weekend and she said ‘am I even wanted to be there’. He told her to stop trying to be the victim, that of course she is wanted, but that she has to be considerate to all of our lives.

He described her as frosty. He ended the conversation saying he had to start work and told her he loves her, so hopefully the meal will be ok.

His dad has messaged him to say that he heard the whole conversation and he doesn’t understand why she has done and said what she has and has told her she needs to apologise. I felt really sad as his dad wrote ‘please don’t fall out with us son’ at the end of his text. My husband said we wouldn’t but that his mum needs to be more considerate and realise we make loads of effort to see them even when we are really busy so it’s hurtful for his mum to say we made no effort.

JFC.

Your MIL is out of order. What a horrible person she really is. I'd have told her to Eff-off and blocked her!!

ThePurpleShark · 08/09/2026 15:59

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 15:49

They have to be respectful and polite and spend time with them when they come over, yes. Also congratulate them with birthdays and make time to visit them/ Hardly revolutionary.
not bothering to spend time with grandma when she visits is rude

I am glad I am in a culture where we teach children that they are not second-class citizens, that respect is earned and if grand-parents are disrespectful or inappropriate, they don't have to accept it.

We also teach them that school work and existing plans are important, and the polite thing is to respect others and their time.

Being old doesn't give you a free pass to become rude and entitled like the grand-mother is

not bothering to spend time with grandma when she visits is rude
When it was not planned that she would come it's not rude, It's being busy.

If we don't want our kids to turn into in-laws from hell, it's never too early to teach them manners and what is acceptable behaviour

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 15:57

dreamiesformolly · 08/09/2026 15:32

No they're not. Not while the work in question is being carried out.

Not from what I hear when I ring up places.....dogs barking, children shouting, people having irrelevant conversations in the background.,......sounds like this household would fit right on in.

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 08/09/2026 15:56

But they did both spend time with her? 16 yr old chatted to her after school and elder one chatted for hour and fixed her phone.

ThePurpleShark · 08/09/2026 15:54

Daygloboo · 08/09/2026 15:19

I dont know. Depends whether they invited me for diner or dinner. Ah ha ha ha ha.

I don't think you come across as witty as you think you are 😂

Eightfor15 · 08/09/2026 15:52

BlackRowan · 08/09/2026 14:40

Of course. He was not ill convalescing in bed. He was sleeping because he was pissed the night before. He should have gotten up and his parents should have woken him up.

and yes I’ve been drinking all night before and going to bed at 6 am in my life many many times

Still pissed now?

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