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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU not to tell friend why our kids fell out?

105 replies

PigsawJuzzle · 08/09/2026 00:32

My eldest is Rose, who is now 22.
Her eldest is John, now 23.

I met my friend Sue when John and Rose were partners in a dancing competition about 12 years ago. The kids got on well. Sue and I became friends too and we still are. The kids were mostly friends through highschool. Sometimes they'd drift as teenagers do. They always got on well at family things like bbqs or nye parties.

Late teens, John developed a crush on Rose and told her he wanted to be more than friends. Rose didn't feel the same. She wasn't unkind about it and hoped they would still be friends. There was an awkward patch while John wanted some space and felt embarrassed. Rose missed him, but was absolutely clear that he was a friend and nothing more.

Then John had a massive strop. It was a big romantic gesture that Rose rejected and John felt frustrated that it didn't work. I get it - he was a hormonal teenager with a broken heart - but Rose was very unimpressed and told him very harshly that her answer was NO, and that him having a strop about it was absolutely not okay, and he needed to pull himself together, accept her first no, and not to bother her until he could act like a decent person.

Then they didn't talk for 2 years.

Happily, time passed and they have become friends again. John admits he was a prat. Rose is happy to be friends again. Water under the bridge.

The thing is, Sue doesn't know any of this. While my dd gave me a play by play account of all of it, John never told his mum any of it. All Sue knows is that they must have fallen out, and for a couple of years, family get togethers were awkward, or the kids made excuses not to come.

Sue asked me at the time if I knew what was going on and I said I didn't. Sue knew damn well I did because she knows dd tells me everything.

Now time has passed, Sue has asked me again to tell her what went on. She knows I know. I think she suspects roughly the right idea. I think she wants reassurance that John didn't do anything terrible (which he didn't).

AIBU not to tell her?

I'm not going to tell her. It's not my thing to tell. It's in the past. It doesn't paint john in a great light.

But I also understand why she wants to know and I do feel a bit mean not telling her.

OP posts:
Bluebeast · 08/09/2026 00:58

As the mother of a boy - i totally get this mum. She wants to check her son didnt behave inappropriately. As a boy mum, I get these fears too. We tell our sons over and over again how they should behave, but we dont know in truth what they do when they grow up and fly the nest.

The fact her son has always been cagey about it would be increasing her anxiety over it.

Hanging onto this now seems a bit daft. The daughter confided in you, but surely its not a big secret to keep.

At the very least, please tell this woman that her sons not been a total bloody predator and that it was mostly teenage squabbles!

Isittimeformynapyet · 08/09/2026 00:49

I can see pros and cons in both sides tbh.

I might be tempted to talk to John, assuring him that there's really no issue with you or your daughter, but that you've never told his mum and she's still anguished over it. He can decide whether anyone tells her about it or not. It depends on how close you are to him.

Obviously, this might be a terrible idea, in which case ignore me!

GrantMyWishes · 08/09/2026 00:39

Sorry OP, but now that time has passed, the youngsters are now adults, and it was all just typical teenage stuff, then I do think you're being a bit unreasonable keeping Sue in the dark about what went on. She's obviously a bit concerned that her son may have stepped out of line sexually with your daughter, so I think reassuring her that it was nothing like that, is better than keeping a secret about it which will just mean that she continues to worry that her son was/is a sex pest. However, if it will make you feel better, then talk to your daughter about it first, and see what she thinks.

wow217 · 08/09/2026 00:39

I agree with pp. It's not your story to tell. She should ask her son; if he doesn't want to disclose any of it, she should respect that.

BibbityBoppityTwo · 08/09/2026 00:36

No, your daughter confided in you and it’s not your business to tell. She needs to be encouraged to seek answers from her own son and if he doesn’t want to give them to her then she has to accept that. He may not feel comfortable sharing stories of romantic rejection with his mum, she needs to move on.