Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to tell friend why our kids fell out?

105 replies

PigsawJuzzle · 08/09/2026 00:32

My eldest is Rose, who is now 22.
Her eldest is John, now 23.

I met my friend Sue when John and Rose were partners in a dancing competition about 12 years ago. The kids got on well. Sue and I became friends too and we still are. The kids were mostly friends through highschool. Sometimes they'd drift as teenagers do. They always got on well at family things like bbqs or nye parties.

Late teens, John developed a crush on Rose and told her he wanted to be more than friends. Rose didn't feel the same. She wasn't unkind about it and hoped they would still be friends. There was an awkward patch while John wanted some space and felt embarrassed. Rose missed him, but was absolutely clear that he was a friend and nothing more.

Then John had a massive strop. It was a big romantic gesture that Rose rejected and John felt frustrated that it didn't work. I get it - he was a hormonal teenager with a broken heart - but Rose was very unimpressed and told him very harshly that her answer was NO, and that him having a strop about it was absolutely not okay, and he needed to pull himself together, accept her first no, and not to bother her until he could act like a decent person.

Then they didn't talk for 2 years.

Happily, time passed and they have become friends again. John admits he was a prat. Rose is happy to be friends again. Water under the bridge.

The thing is, Sue doesn't know any of this. While my dd gave me a play by play account of all of it, John never told his mum any of it. All Sue knows is that they must have fallen out, and for a couple of years, family get togethers were awkward, or the kids made excuses not to come.

Sue asked me at the time if I knew what was going on and I said I didn't. Sue knew damn well I did because she knows dd tells me everything.

Now time has passed, Sue has asked me again to tell her what went on. She knows I know. I think she suspects roughly the right idea. I think she wants reassurance that John didn't do anything terrible (which he didn't).

AIBU not to tell her?

I'm not going to tell her. It's not my thing to tell. It's in the past. It doesn't paint john in a great light.

But I also understand why she wants to know and I do feel a bit mean not telling her.

OP posts:
fiveyo · 08/09/2026 08:37

TheBlueKoala · 08/09/2026 08:31

@PigsawJuzzle Tell Susan that you can not tell her anything your dd has told you in confidence. What you can say though is that it's nothing major and the kids are now friends and reassure her that nobody did something terrible to anyone- it was a teenage thing- they fell out and now all is good. If she wants to know more she has to ask John but that would be stupid since everything is fine now and the kids have moved on.

Yes I agree - use the fact they are friends now to indicate nothing serious happened and no one behaved terribly.

Original poster
PigsawJuzzle · 08/09/2026 08:34

TheBlueKoala · 08/09/2026 08:31

@PigsawJuzzle Tell Susan that you can not tell her anything your dd has told you in confidence. What you can say though is that it's nothing major and the kids are now friends and reassure her that nobody did something terrible to anyone- it was a teenage thing- they fell out and now all is good. If she wants to know more she has to ask John but that would be stupid since everything is fine now and the kids have moved on.

I wish I'd thought of this in the moment when she asked!

OP posts:
ThreadGuardDog · 08/09/2026 08:34

PigsawJuzzle · 08/09/2026 01:05

These replies absolutely mirror my flip-flopping.

It is absolutely not my thing to tell. The reason dd tells me everything (and still does) is because she trusts me not to blab. Ever. I value that hugely.

But I do understand Sue wanting reassurance that her son didn't act inappropriately.

Also, thinking about the personalities, I can't absolutely trust Sue to just quietly know and never say a word.

Then l think you’ve answered your own question OP. The trust between you and your DD is the most important issue here - she shared this with you in confidence so it’s not appropriate to repeat it.

It’s also not something Sue’s DS was comfortable sharing with her, so you need to respect his decision too, not least because his misgivings about telling her may mirror your own in that she can’t be trusted to keep the information to herself.

If Sue mentions it again l’d be inclined to tell her it was nothing terrible and has since been forgotten - and that she should respect her sons’ decision not to tell her, just as you have respected the confidence of your DD.

TheBlueKoala · 08/09/2026 08:31

@PigsawJuzzle Tell Susan that you can not tell her anything your dd has told you in confidence. What you can say though is that it's nothing major and the kids are now friends and reassure her that nobody did something terrible to anyone- it was a teenage thing- they fell out and now all is good. If she wants to know more she has to ask John but that would be stupid since everything is fine now and the kids have moved on.

BigMartin · 08/09/2026 08:23

Have you told your DD that she has asked? Could you ask DD if you can share the information?

Original poster
PigsawJuzzle · 08/09/2026 08:22

Gosh. So many replies. Wasn't expecting so many. Thank you all for all the different perspectives. It's been helpful.

And especially thank you to the poster who praised my lovely dd's boundaries and forgiveness. She's pretty awesome 🥰

OP posts:
Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 08/09/2026 08:22

Perfect answer.

ThisMellowCat · 08/09/2026 08:22

Why don’t you ask your daughter? Tell her “mum keeps asking, and has brought it up again” thinking she’s probably worried he did something out of line and what to tell her.
she will probably laugh and wonder why you’ve never at least put her mind at rest.
you only had to say, “I’m not actually sure of the logistics but, nothing bad happened just a spat, which they’ll get over in time, like friends do!”
she’s probably has all sorts running through her head!

Original poster
PigsawJuzzle · 08/09/2026 08:19

I'm hardly making a big deal of anything. Or 'holding it over her'. Lol. I haven't given it a thought for years. Total non issue and none of my or Sue's business. She caught me off guard mentioning it recently and in the moment I just said I didn't know.

This thread had made me realise though that I think the reason I don't t just give Sue some sensible explanation is because John has quite deliberately never admitted any of it to Sue. Sue can get in a bit a flap about things. I can imagine her mentioning it to John now if I told her. No one needs that! Especially as they are now friends again.

However, I will be sure to emphasise that I don't know anything that concerns me or that might concern her. I'll be reassuring, but I won't tell her.

OP posts:
mopandsmiff · 08/09/2026 08:15

PigsawJuzzle · 08/09/2026 01:28

I think this is what I need to do.

Tbh I hadn't given it a thought for years and was caught by surprise when she mentioned it recently. Without time to plan or think, I just doubled down on "I'm not sure what happened, it's between them".

Then later I started thinking it through. Hence this post.

Show quote history

Tbh I would just keep denying that you know.
She suspects that you know, but you haven’t confirmed that. I would keep it this way.
Once you confirm that you know but won’t tell her, that could affect your friendship, even just quietly.
Keep saying you don’t know and it’s between them.
If she wants to come out with it and says “he didn’t assault her / get her pregnant / insert other worry -did he?” you can say “I’m sure Rose would have told me if that happened and she’s said nothing like that. I really don't think so”.

WhisperingHi · 08/09/2026 08:14

It all sounds like drama to me.

Why is she still harping on about it 2 years later? They were teens. The fall out could have been about anything?!

And the real reason was so insignificant anyway. Boy likes girl, gets rejected, strops about it. So what?!

Just tell Sue you have no idea and whatever it was, was probably just normal teenage stuff. How can two grown up women get involved in that?

XiCi · 08/09/2026 08:09

nomoremsniceperson · 08/09/2026 07:04

Your friend will be imagining the worst. Just tell her fgs. You don't have to go into all the details. Who is served by her being kept in the dark? How exactly does it help your DD, and how could she possibly be harmed by you summarising what went wrong to the mother?

Exactly. By you repeatedly refusing to answer her she is probably imagining that something terrible happened. Why on earth haven't you told her the basic story that he got a crush on her, she didn't feel the same way and it was awkward for a bit. Thats all you need to say instead of drawing it out. All this 'not my story to tell' dramatic nonsense is ridiculous. Its almost as if you enjoy holding this over her.

Imdunfer · 08/09/2026 08:06

I don't understand what the big deal is here. Can't you just answer "John wanted more of a relationship than Sue did and for a while it was easier for both of them to be apart than want different things from the relationship."

blythet · 08/09/2026 08:05

Rather than pretending I didn’t know, I’d be honest that I knew but didn’t feel it was my place to tell. You could then at least tell her that his behaviour wasn’t ideal but that he didn’t do anything untoward or overly worrying - that’s probably her main concern

Lacksie · 08/09/2026 08:03

Speakeasier · 08/09/2026 01:09

Can’t you just say you don’t know the details but as far as you know it was nothing bad, just a disagreement between them. And suggest if she wants to know more she’ll have to ask her DS as you can’t help any further.

Show quote history

Surely just say this? I think you are making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be.

fiveyo · 08/09/2026 08:01

I think it’s fine not to tell her, although I think it’s also fine to give her the reassurance she is looking for by giving some information. I’d say something like - “I think John had a bit of a crush on DD which made it difficult for them to be friends for a while. Just one of those things really. The fact they are friends again now should give you comfort that nothing terrible happened. I don’t feel comfortable talking in more detail as I’m breaking DD’s confidence.”

lordbaddingham · 08/09/2026 07:56

If she's asked you and you've refused to tell her it's not surprising she's thinking the worst or else why is it being kept from her? It now seems like a bigger deal than it was. I think I'd tell her you know, it's not your story to tell but it's nothing to worry about and John didn't do anything wrong.

Gribouille · 08/09/2026 07:52

Ha! I see someone else has already quoted 'Least said, soonest mended'! I hadn't thought of that phrase in years, just shows it's appropriate in this case! 😏

Gribouille · 08/09/2026 07:50

The older I get, the more I appreciate the truth of this saying: 'Least said, soonest mended.'

Honestly, anything you say about this will just drag you further in - Sue will want more detail, more reassurance, or will misunderstand so you'll feel compelled to explain more - and boom, this silly issue from the past, which is now fine, will have been stirred up and made into a Big Thing between at least four people!

Sue - and you - should stay out of their adult relationship. If Sue has problems with her son, she should sort them out herself and not drag you and your DD into it - because she will be looking for someone to blame, or to take on the burden of absolving him... It's unsavoury, Sue, back off!

Pancakeflipper · 08/09/2026 07:49

No;
Because you only have 1 side of the story.

John won"t thank you. If he wanted to tell his mother - he would.
You will stir up something that has settled.

AD1509 · 08/09/2026 07:39

Can’t you be reassuringly vague. “Oh I think John had a bit of a crush on Rose but she didn’t feel the same- that’s all I know”.

TheEdgyMoose · 08/09/2026 07:33

Iheartlibrarians · 08/09/2026 07:27

The two adults at the centre of it don't seem to think it still needs talking about, and I'd be taking my cue from them.

Show quote history

I don't think we've been told anything about what they think about Sue being told. That's why so many people are saying to just ask Rose if she's happy to tell her. It's clearly still bothering Sue so, as her friend, I would want to reassure her (without breaking any confidences, of course).

Iheartlibrarians · 08/09/2026 07:27

TheEdgyMoose · 08/09/2026 07:17

I think the exact opposite (except for your final paragraph which I completely agree with). "Least said, soonest mended" can't apply to a situation that has already dragged on for years. It's the refusal to talk about it that has turned it into a big secret, how will playing dumb help?

I think there's something missing from the story because I don't understand why this very ordinary teenage situation has become such a big deal.

Show quote history

The two adults at the centre of it don't seem to think it still needs talking about, and I'd be taking my cue from them.

Viviennemary · 08/09/2026 07:21

Speakeasier · 08/09/2026 01:09

Can’t you just say you don’t know the details but as far as you know it was nothing bad, just a disagreement between them. And suggest if she wants to know more she’ll have to ask her DS as you can’t help any further.

Show quote history

I agree with this more or less. But if I was John's Mum I would want to know to make sure he hadn't behaved inappropriately. Can't you just hint at the reason without spelling it out.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 08/09/2026 07:17

Stay out of it. If John wanted his mum to know he'd tell her.