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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable?

188 replies

Peedoff26 · 07/09/2026 20:13

Husband has form for ruining the lead up to every holiday with work deadlines. They always coincide with when we go away or any major milestone occasion or.birthday.

This week we are due to celebrate a significant wedding anniversary. Cue the famous deadline. It was so bad this time that I asked if we should cancel rather than go. A few hours before we were due to go to the airport he said he would only need to do a few hours and would bring the laptop.

He did 2 hours yesterday but in between was zoned out a lot of the time. Then today at 3pm he was still huffing and puffing about never catching a break and he didn't know how to fix the problem.

I lost it at this stage and stormed out and blocked him. We've spent a huge amount of money on 3 nights away and he is ruining it. I went off for 5 hours and saw some sights etc. When I came back he said the problem was fixed 20 minutes after I left (bear in mind he said he didn't know when it would be fixed). He is now saying I've ruined the day and is expecting that I would want to go for dinner and a drink with him.

I just feel so done. This is the first time I've ever blocked but I'm sick of it

OP posts:
cornflakecrunchie · 07/09/2026 20:57

I don't think it's ok, @Peedoff26
I'd be fuming too. It's like you're not important at all I'd be having some serious thinking.

Original poster
Peedoff26 · 07/09/2026 20:56

Rafiel · 07/09/2026 20:53

You haven't answered the questions about what he does.

CEO earning £1m per year? Suck it up that's why he earns that.

And there's a big difference between not managing his deadlines Vs there being an emergency. Same applies in terms of seniority - sometimes one person really is on the hook!

He earns a good wage but is not senior and has no managerial responsibility. IT sector

OP posts:
Rookie93 · 07/09/2026 20:56

My OH runs his own business and does this or very similar everytime we go away. Works right up to the last minute, is shattered for the first two days and then constant phone calls/emails/ revising specs/chasing orders while we're away. Threatenend to throw his phone overboard while on a river cruise. He's well aware he's on thin ice and I certainly wouldn't think your unreasonable at all to clear off and do your own thing for 5hrs. Have resorted to booking breaks and then telling him it starts the day before to try and ensure some respite from the horrendous last minute rush and then him being too tired to do anything. I have contemplated leaving him mainly due to thus behaviour and he's aware of that too, but his compulsion to work is very strong. So can sympathise but unfortunately have no really useful suggestions to offer.

Ifeelold48 · 07/09/2026 20:55

Why are you staying with him if he ruins every milestone. Fuck it. Divorce him and celebrate the anniversary of that instead. In my mind its better to be alone than with someone who ruins special moments and lonely.

Original poster
Peedoff26 · 07/09/2026 20:54

TheBrunswick · 07/09/2026 20:51

@Peedoff26 is this your silver wedding anniversary?
I would be very pissed off.

Yes and I got it as a gift. We got married abroad and have returned to where we got married on the exact dates.

But loads of people on Mumsnet think its absolutely fine for him to work the whole time

OP posts:
TheBrunswick · 07/09/2026 20:53

Peedoff26 · 07/09/2026 20:51

Mine is constantly working late which is annoying but I get over it. He crossed the line on this trip away. Its an anniversary ruined and can't be celebrated again

Show quote history

I’m so sorry.
How is his mental health? Does he feel as if he is under constant work stress?
What would happen if he didn’t do the work?

Rafiel · 07/09/2026 20:53

You haven't answered the questions about what he does.

CEO earning £1m per year? Suck it up that's why he earns that.

And there's a big difference between not managing his deadlines Vs there being an emergency. Same applies in terms of seniority - sometimes one person really is on the hook!

Original poster
Peedoff26 · 07/09/2026 20:51

TheBrunswick · 07/09/2026 20:49

Dh wasn’t quite as bad but would not get home from work until really late the day before a holiday which left me to sort everything out.

I just started lying, I told him to book annual leave from x date but actually booked the holiday a day later so he had a whole day at home before we left.
He did catch on but realised he liked having a day to chill.
His only relapse was working on his laptop until 1 hour before dd’s graduation, we were staying in a hotel and he had set the alarm for 5 am to begin the work, I was very annoyed.

Mine is constantly working late which is annoying but I get over it. He crossed the line on this trip away. Its an anniversary ruined and can't be celebrated again

OP posts:
TheBrunswick · 07/09/2026 20:51

@Peedoff26 is this your silver wedding anniversary?
I would be very pissed off.

FannybygaslightinGovan · 07/09/2026 20:51

This is absolutely a thing that men do. Ruin events, birthdays, Christmas, holidays etc.

They need to be the centre of attention or use it to be controlling or they can't stand other's expectations so they create conflict and all of a sudden they're angry with you, so they don't have to perform as the happy husband.

They also might feel uncomfortable in an intimate setting, so again, they create conflict and emotionally distance themselves from their partner.

Basically all that to say YANBU and your husband is a fucking arsehole!!

TheBrunswick · 07/09/2026 20:49

Dh wasn’t quite as bad but would not get home from work until really late the day before a holiday which left me to sort everything out.

I just started lying, I told him to book annual leave from x date but actually booked the holiday a day later so he had a whole day at home before we left.
He did catch on but realised he liked having a day to chill.
His only relapse was working on his laptop until 1 hour before dd’s graduation, we were staying in a hotel and he had set the alarm for 5 am to begin the work, I was very annoyed.

Original poster
Peedoff26 · 07/09/2026 20:48

AFPotts · 07/09/2026 20:45

Sorry to ask but does he avoid being alone with you in general? Just trying to get to the bottom of it.

No the opposite. He always wants us to go away on our own. Its me that dilutes him in a group because of his carry on. This is a wedding anniversary so couldn't be a group thing

OP posts:
Original poster
Peedoff26 · 07/09/2026 20:46

wheelhouse1717 · 07/09/2026 20:44

Why is he doing it? To get pretend he’s important or to wind you up or something else?

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He just cant seem to manage his time. The deadlines always coincide with something important. And I mean always

OP posts:
AFPotts · 07/09/2026 20:45

Sorry to ask but does he avoid being alone with you in general? Just trying to get to the bottom of it.

TinaBeliever · 07/09/2026 20:45

Peedoff26 · 07/09/2026 20:27

No he's not senior. He just cant seem to manage his workload. The sensible thing ti do would have been to cancel it but he preferred to work while moaning and wasting money on a hotel instead of celebrating an anniversary

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If he's not senior then he's a twat, you're right to be pissed off if you're not even getting the financial rewards!

wheelhouse1717 · 07/09/2026 20:44

Peedoff26 · 07/09/2026 20:43

It is a joke and it was a present for him. I feel really embarrassed about answering how the holiday went if people ask. I would have flown home this evening if there had been a flight

Show quote history

Why is he doing it? To get pretend he’s important or to wind you up or something else?

Original poster
Peedoff26 · 07/09/2026 20:44

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 07/09/2026 20:41

Because you ‘blocked’ I’m going to assume you’re really young.

Honestly, there’s other boys out there. This one isn’t for you.

I'm not young. Its the first time I've ever done it and only did it because he wouldn't leave me alone. I wanted peace for a few hours

OP posts:
AFPotts · 07/09/2026 20:44

I'm so sorry OP, what a dickhead.

wheelhouse1717 · 07/09/2026 20:44

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 07/09/2026 20:41

Because you ‘blocked’ I’m going to assume you’re really young.

Honestly, there’s other boys out there. This one isn’t for you.

Don’t think workplaces employ boys at the level where them going on holiday would make a blind bit of difference.

OP had clearly blocked her husband from contacting her whilst she went out for a few hours due to annoyance and frustration. Zero need whatsoever to be a dick and try and be patronising and insult her.

Original poster
Peedoff26 · 07/09/2026 20:43

wheelhouse1717 · 07/09/2026 20:37

Some very strange replies on this thread. You are absolutely not being unreasonable. DP and I are away for three nights in November and I wouldn’t be absolutely beyond gutted if he announced he had to work whilst we were away, and that’s not for any particular celebration.

He should take his holiday like a normal person. It’s an utter joke.

It is a joke and it was a present for him. I feel really embarrassed about answering how the holiday went if people ask. I would have flown home this evening if there had been a flight

OP posts:
IStillHearTheWaves · 07/09/2026 20:43

Peedoff26 · 07/09/2026 20:34

Sounds like crap work/life balance to me

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Me too - I don't have a role like that and never would! I've seen enough close up for that.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 07/09/2026 20:41

Because you ‘blocked’ I’m going to assume you’re really young.

Honestly, there’s other boys out there. This one isn’t for you.

Original poster
Peedoff26 · 07/09/2026 20:41

Needmorelego · 07/09/2026 20:34

Very odd thinking isn't it ?
If I were you I would start booking solo holidays.
Not literally solo if you don't want to be alone - a tour group might be good.
Go and have fun.
Leave Mr Workaholic at home.

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I think some people on here live on an alternate planet. We mostly go away on group holidays. Now I know why

OP posts:
Cardhey · 07/09/2026 20:40

He sounds like a right idiot. He’s not that essential to his workplace and his colleagues must think he’s a right muppet. You did the right thing.

Original poster
Peedoff26 · 07/09/2026 20:40

Fortheloveoffrogs · 07/09/2026 20:34

Yes. That’s what your role is. To hang off his every word and sympathise with him that his ‘very big important job’ is so ‘very big and important’ and you should be rubbing his feet and serving him tea. Your own wants and wishes are neither here nor there. You are merely an appendage to his main character energy.

Argh. I feel I’m projecting my anger about my ex onto your lump of a man. Sorry. It’s unleashed something! 😂

Anyway, next time book something with a friend or in your own and leave him
moaning at home!

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I've told him I wont be going away with him again on our own

OP posts:
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