Who is being unreasonable?

I agree it's all been his choices.

The OP needs to decide if not being a priority on their 25 anniversary means she relooks at her own choices

I could not accept someone not putting me first on holiday and choosing to work

My husband had to work in the office every day throughout his ‘paternity leave’ period due to his boss saying work was too busy for him to take any leave. It was my first baby and I had no family help. He refused to kick up a fuss about it. He is now my ex husband.

She did ask to cancel, he said it would be fine this time.

I sometimes have to work on holiday. One year someone resigned the day I flew, and I spent the entire holiday dealing with the fall out on the team and others (in my industry there’s no working notice period, you go the same day). It’s just how it is sometimes - my laptop comes on holiday just in case. That said I try to prioritise holiday and will fit work in around planned activities (early morning, late at night etc.). I do think your reaction was over the top, I’d have likely said ‘ok, I’m going to go and do x / y /z, text me when you’ve solved the problem and we can meet up’

So why go on holiday with him?!?!

Go with a friend instead and have a good time.

After 25 years surely you should have learned that he cannot leave his work behind??

You are clearly at the end of your tether, and not unreasonably so.

My DH is senior, high up, "big job" but very, very rarely works on holiday (I can think of 2 occasions in 8 years).

I'd be really pissed off as well.

What the fuck is ruining the lead up to a holiday? That's just normal life, not some precious event to be protected.

Everybody doesn't have the same type of job, and some you can't just down tools and switch off.

If my husband reacted in the same childish way you had I'd be annoyed.

I don’t think he’s particularly trying to avoid you. It sounds more like he’s just rather flakey, selfish and completely rubbish at time management (which is why he’s not CEO level yet).

It’s up to you whether you want to remain with this person.

Of course you can. That's literally the point

It sounds like he’s deliberately trying to sabotage things for you OP. It’s controlling behaviour. If he spoils everything you organise it gets him out of showing you any gratitude or encouragement. It’s horrible behaviour and completely intentional.

I'm the only person who can do some things at my work. That means that if I'm going on holiday, I plan and do those things in advance so that they don't need doing when I'm away. Anything that could pop up while I'm away I make sure other people are trained to do. Occasionally there's something that I can't delegate (major project that has overrun due to a third party, or where the holiday was booked before the project, for example). In those circumstances, I delegate everything that can be delegated, set our "if X then Y" and make sure the team knows how to get in touch with me.

If I need to take time off unexpectedly things can be a bit trickier because I do then need to do that handover process before I can vanish, but generally we would then do the bare minimum and I'd log in for any approvals that can only come from me.

Edit: posted too soon. Basically the gist of this was - it's not rocket science. Unless there's a genuine emergency (like a cyber attack), you can just plan round this stuff. You just have to decide to prioritise it. If your husband doesn't, you have to decide what that tells you.

"But loads of people on Mumsnet think its absolutely fine"

It's not loads of people @Peedoff26 currently, 247 of us think yanbu, with only 82 having had a lapse.

edited to update figures

Agree. What can they do?! Tell everyone they’re on holiday and not take their work phone/laptop with them!

It’s a choice and it’s complete rubbish when people make out it isn’t.

This would make me furious. I would honestly consider whether you’ll be happier on your own.

YANBU. Your Husband is a selfish, manipulative Dickhead. He’d soon be replaced at work.

Some responses excusing his behaviour are just ridiculous.

Oh that’s so sad. What an arse. Hope tomorrow is better for you OP 💐

But @Peedoff26 Dh is nowhere near that level. He is a mid level IT specialist with no managerial responsibilities, and I very much doubt he is as indispensable as he is presenting himself to her.

The disruption of wedding/holidays/birthdays/Xmas/mothers or father day...basically anything that isnt all about them, is a common theme amongst a certain kind of person. [coughnarcissistcough]

They just cannot bear to have someone else happy except them, especially if it involves any sort of sacrifice on their part. It will not get better and in fact will get worse as they age. They will have a fall or a medical emergency of some sort. With my mother it is "migraine". She had a "migraine" before my and then DH's millenium party, father insisted she at least show her face and she could go home early if she wanted to. Half an hour in she was having a good time and mainlining the sherry......

…..not work during their holidays. All the reasoning/excuses/justifications in the world to try to get around the fact that genuinely, it’s absolutely bullshit that people ‘can’t’ have a few days away from work.

Is your theory that he doesn't really "need" to work, and just decides to ruin the holiday with work that isn't essential? If he is doing that, that's awful.

If the problems are genuine, and he does need to work, then it feels like a different problem. Would you downgrade your lifestyle to have him work less? Could you talk about that?

I understand the idea of not knowing how long a problem will take to fix, only for it to be fixed quickly. Sometimes the solution is the first thing you try, sometimes it really isn't.

I'm shocked how many people think it's ok to work on holiday. Even DH's bosses, who own the business & are who see clients, disconnect. One's just been away for two weeks and not a peep.

DH used to do it, works for those same bosses. A few years ago he worked the entire week, no thanks, and client pulled the pin on the deal. Another time DH was getting calls and hour into the drive. He was telling people (external companies he deals with & junior colleages) he was on holiday & they ignored it. Just kept calling. DH said no more!! He got nothing out of it & bosses got the extra money from his work. He'd had enough. They accepted it, but were more than happy for him to work for free.

OP, next time either he leaves the laptop behind, or stays home with it while you go on holiday.

I’m a partner in a law firm. It’s pretty unusual for me and any of my fellow partners to have a whole holiday without working. I’ve generally not had to do too much but some colleagues spend most of their holidays (even with young children) working. It’s far from ideal but what can they do?!

100% this

I’m really shocked to read some of the replies calling OP unreasonable!

So he works all through the holiday, is miserable and unbearable to be around, and he does this EVERY SINGLE TIME FOR TWENTY FIVE YEARS!

OP I’m not surprised you snapped and if all you did was block him for a few hours while you took time to calm down, I think you handled it extremely maturely.

Can you imagine how many times OP would have had a conversation about his behaviour? Explained how hurt she was? Handled all the packing and logistics because he was “working”? Asked “are you sure we shouldn’t reschedule?”?

Miss me with that bs. @Peedoff26 YANBU

Good for you OP - I would have done something similar. He sounds a right drama llama and now is trying to blame you for ruined holiday/anniversary!! CF

Fixed after 20 minutes - yeah right ….. I bet if you’d hung around it still wouldn’t be fixed!!
He needs to try harder!!

There literally isn’t a single person in the entire world that can’t have a holiday at some point or other 🤣🤣 how funny!