Who is being unreasonable?

My ex always brought his laptop on holidays. There were times when he flew (shorthaul) or drove home for meetings he considered essential. I’d be left on my own with the children, sometimes without a car for two days. With hindsight, I think he didn’t really like being full time with the children and me so would just pick and choose what he considered ‘enough.’ It always made me feel resentful and shitty, like he was doing us a massive big heroic favour not working, but I knew he was just hiding from us.

I don't think you are unreasonable for wanting a present husband on holiday.

DH can be the same, he's self employed and a bit of a workaholic. He too brings a laptop and a to do list on holiday and will work frantically until the deadline, leaving me with the packing/ driving. I don't pack or do any preparation for him. I say we are leaving at x, you need to be in the car. He will get in the car with his laptop -no suitcase, no coat, nothing for the holiday. I just shrug and file it under a him problem. I make plans without him. I say, me and the children are going here if you are joining us? If he doesn't get his act together he misses out. If it rains he gets wet. Once he realised that we would not be waiting around or doing things for him, he is much better at drawing boundaries between work and holidays.

What this thread reveals is how many women are willing to put up with poor behaviour from men if they earn well. This is not a one off, this is repeated patterns of poor behaviour. Not prioritising his wife/ family time.

Yes sounds like he’s a passive workaholic. Active workaholics are workaholics because they love their work. Passive workaholics are so either because they feel they have to to keep on top of their workload and are afraid of losing their job,or to avoid family life.

Yes I’m pretty sure the PM goes on holiday and doesn’t get disturbed unless actual World War 3 is threatening.

It’s funny on this thread the split between the people who think you’re unreasonable and he has to work and those that are in your camp.

My husband and I both have ‘big’ jobs and I get my stuff together and ensure everything is arranged, work suitably delegated etc and he is just too shit and disorganised to do this effectively. So when we leave I have to do all the packing for everyone, all the organising cause we’ll be going away and he’ll be sending emails from the front seat of the car while I drive. Always. Time after time. Drives me crazy.

I’m totally with you OP. He’s a disorganised patronising twat. On a very expensive, special trip away? I’d be utterly raging too.

He’s a prize prick. This was supposed to be a special break away and yet he prioritised his ego over you. He’s a very important man with a very important job don’t ya know!
I don’t blame you for temporarily blocking him if he was hassling you and you just wanted to see some of the sights in peace.
I’d be bloody furious with him.
All these people that think they’re indispensable and absolutely can’t go on holiday without working, are delusional. If you dropped down dead, you’d be replaced in a heartbeat.

Completely unacceptable to work whilst on holiday. Everyone has annual leave and nobody should work on the AL, if on holiday work should always be left behind. Sounds like he’s a massive workaholic and he has issues with time off. He couldn’t even give you quality time for your anniversary, what a prick.

https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/relationships/why-men-ruin-birthdays?fbclid=Iwb21leAUMl7xjbGNrBQyXtHBkb2YFZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAc3J0YwZhcHBfaWQMMzUwNjg1NTMxNzI4AAEefAgJRU7A5RQTyRBhVK6MuOomTSQ0-YNDn_QuaSopR4A3u0czoahuX8UTBVQ_aem_re1gk2zvteqmx2yn5mPGJg#section-it-taught-me-to-dread-days-that-were-about-me

No its not acceptable & you need to accept that the issue isn’t him working.

the working is an excuse at this point. Has he worked for the same company for 25years? Just because you say he has time management issues and not capable of his job but every year for 25years he has done this. As he works in IT is he an introvert and not very social at the best of times?

I think you need to either accept what he is doing or consider if you both want the same things going forward. What happens when he retires?

I personally wouldn’t have chosen a holiday to celebrate on the basis of all the previous ones you might be a glutton for punishment in that respect. After 25yrs he hasn’t changed

I think it's probably been 20 years since DH didn't work on holidays.

I do all the planning and organising. The night before the trip he will finally do his own packing, after asking me what the weather will be like where we are going. He will work late the night before leaving, work early on the day of leaving and will have his laptop out in the airport lounge.

We travel a lot, so it's sort of a compromise really. I've had a job with good holidays and leave, he's self employed, so no sick leave or holiday pay. I also realise that working makes him happy. He will participate happily once we are away, but I make sure I try to plan days so he can easily work for some of the day. If we do a full day trip sightseeing, I let him know in advance, so he can try not to schedule meetings on that day.

It's not that I don't get frustrated sometimes, when I'm enjoying the view and he's got his head in the laptop, but, it helps make the money for the next holiday/

On our last trip, I booked one bedroom apartments in a number of cities, this meant DH could get up early and work in the lounge and let me sleep. He would work from 6-9am, then we would go to breakfast together. After breakfast, I'd go out alone for 3-4 hours, letting him work. By 1pm, I'd go back and get him and we would spend the afternoon exploring together. We'd have a late afternoon rest and sometimes he would work while I rested, then we would be out for dinner and more sightseeing. We head overseas again in a few weeks and will do almost the same thing.

When we cruise, I like to read in the sun, he burns easily, so that's his work time, plus early morning. He will go and get coffee and take his laptop. He's never alone, there's always quite a group of people working on each trip.

I think if your DH is always going to work, then you might as well just plan it in your day. That's a whole lot better than staying home.

Of course. I forgot hotels don't have phones.

I’m guessing his job is to hold the sky up then. Well thank him from us OP. Thank the big important man for doing the big important job that simply can’t wait a couple of days.

I hope you found something nice to do.

OP does work. She is self-employed. OP's DH is not senior and he doesn't have any line management responsibilities. OP certainly isn't having it 'both ways'.

@Peedoff26 So in 25 years of birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, he's done this to you a minimum 100 times (presuming 1 holiday a year) and you're only now pushing back and saying 'enough'?

Of course you were. Nasty.

It’s not fact. People who don’t work 24/7 can still afford holidays. Fact.

Wouldn’t have been so much fun if your partner ruined your holiday I’m sure.

No egging on or congratulating, simply stating fact.

He's choosing this. If he dropped down dead tomorrow, his employer would cope. If they really couldn't, they've got management issues - no person should be a single point of failure. There should be documentation, cross-training, especially on key systems. If he's having to work on holiday, he's not managing his time well enough. I will not do on-call when I am on leave, I make sure any project work or ticket work is handed over if it can't wait. If people struggle without me, that shows my value to the company, and they should increase my pay. My work phone is off when I take leave. And I too work in IT. (And going by my colleagues past and present, he might be just as likely to depend his spare time cycling/gaming/obsessing about football etc, as much as work, so...)

You need to tell him just how pissed off you are, how disappointed you are that he can't prioritise you for one long weekend, one significant anniversary. Tell him that it's making you consider whether it's the end of the line - he needs to understand his choices do have an effect, and it could be serious enough to end your marriage.

I agree with the theory, but clearly neither of you have met my mother! It really isnt just men

ETA....she was never the breadwinner, worked PT and kept her earnings purely for herself. And she herself admits that she was spoiled by her parents and my father enables her. If it ain't about her to start with, she makes sure that it ends up that way.

It depends on his job realistically and your financial position. I try not to work when I’m on leave - if he’s catching up on stuff fine to be annoyed- if it’s something he has to do and is reliant on others timescales and decisions then I sympathise.

unless he’s just being a twat - and only you might know that

OP,
Yanbu.
The only part yabu, is that you have tolerated this selfish self important narcissist for so long.

I absolutely believe people who cause drama around anything are narcissists.

It gives them a buzz.
My father was one and I recognise it well.

They love to stress the people around them.

My husband has a very big, highly paid job, and I would filet him if he did this.

You need to be honest to everyone that HE ruined the break away.
You won't be doing it again, and definitely rethink whether you want to remain married to such a selfish arsehole.

You deserve better.

Imagine blocking your husband 😬
what do you do ? What does he do?

I have occasionally worked on holiday (I’m the breadwinner) I’m paid to make sure things happen when and as they need to.

i have huge amounts of flex in my days - but took ten days off recently away from work- worked at least 2 hours every day and I always answer my phone.

if your job is not like this then you wouldn’t get it. I don’t award my prizes for this - I’ve spent weeks doing very little over summer - but when the crunch comes I’ve to crunch regardless.

you can sulk or move on… your choice.

I think it’s pretty rude to not bother at least reading the OPs posts in a thread before chirping in with your 2 pence worth but here we are!