AIBU to worry our son is being overindulged after his A-level results?

I think you’re making this rather more mysterious than it is. Last I checked, my mother is American, I have travelled to America many many many times, spent every summer there pretty much growing up, lived there for a bit too after university on my American passport, visit extended family almost every year who don’t care either but she isn’t from a Republican state and doesn’t particularly care about Trump. There’s a world is America that didn’t vote for Trump and isn’t keeping up with the Trumps every move unless it’s really geopolitical. I’ve lived in Britain all my life and, frankly feel much the same.

I keep up with politics perfectly well I read the Economist and the FT those are what my father read while I was growing up and I’ve just kept up with it we discuss politics fairly often just now what you think as neither of us don’t follow Trump’s every utterance or know the finer details of his life unless they’re relevant and reported by sources I actually read. That isn’t quite the same thing as not knowing who the current Prime Minister here is I canvass and volunteer for my local MP of course I keep up with politics.

No one in our extended family is particularly obsessed with Trump we broadly think he’s a twat and leave it at that. People live in different way nothing wrong with just keeping up with geo politics in terms of tariffs & foreign policy I don’t know the guy and I don’t agree with him on most things that’s about it.

He was clearly capable of high results so something went wrong with the school. Assume if he's been there since 4 it's an independent school. Often independent schools are not great with individuals with big personalities

I am confused you don’t know what subsidies we get from the school. It’s not exactly as though he attends Eton or Harrow these are cheap school with just normal parents not millionaires and billionaires. DHs parents are wealthy but they have never paid any of the fees for our children and they don’t need to as they just go to the local school. The closest school to us just happens to be a private school it’s not a top school by any means we didn’t send our children there for that. We sent them there for extra support you don’t know if my children have any extra needs or anything you’re just making assumptions. 200k fees is far from what we have paid in their time there but I wouldn’t know since you seem to know albeit my husband and I both contribute equal amounts to the fees. You also don’t know what kind of private school it is there is lots of different private schools with different ethos some are even funded by other entities it’s not always just parents paying £200k that you think.

We did have meeting with the school regarding the UCAS predicted grades I have mentioned this right at the start. You are just making assumptions I’ll admit the thread has gone on for a while but I have said this regarding the meeting also regarding his friend who was getting Cs and Ds yet managed to convince the schools to predict him As. Let’s agree to disagree and say that I do not know despite me very much being in touch with the school regarding his ucas application.

He doesn't just have one stream of income, he is always doing various things has his own small business on Ebay that has been doing quite well, pays his taxes enough for him to want to learn more about taxes. He bought a 2006 polo that had 60k miles on it was not a Porche, our 16 year old son has saved up 5k in two months and has a small business, is using a bit of that 5k to buy his first car when he starts driving lessons. People really underestimate young people especially in this day and age where you are able to make money by having access to the internet.

Right so this is big information compared to your initial introduction of some kid with just a part time job in Waitrose. If he managed to save up £5k in two months it sounds like his annual income's around the same as an average UK adult. AND he gets a free £45k on top of that for getting good grades? Bloody hell. How the other half live.

Come on now let's be fair, the poor kid has only been to Australia, Japan, Singapore, America, African safaris and everywhere in Europe and he's only been to a cheap school poor thing.

I didn't realise that if I just save for a couple of years I could go on safaris and fly across the world regularly rather than a weekend in a caravan in Blackpool. I can't believe I've been unnecessarily missing out all these years.

If you think so. I don’t particularly think so there’s people with better lifestyles. I’m poorer in my adult life than I was growing up but such is life. Poorer than my parents at my age DH is certainly poorer than his parents but we don’t complain we just work as hard as we can line everyone else in the country doing their bit to make this lives or their children’s lives better.

It's because you don't know about the internet. If you did you'd have 164k followers while working about 4 jobs and hatching a master fuck you plan against your teachers.

If only you'd known.

Op said he was revising for 8 hours a day, that doesn't necessarily scream genius/extremely high achiever, it is indicative of someone who has to work extremely hard to get the top grades and could easily have ended up with a B. Also he was predicted a B in three subjects, not just one. Therefore it was three separate teachers who thought he would get a B so this isn't just one teacher with a weird vendetta against a kid, it's obviously a pattern.

High achievers work for it and know how to, you can't pass with high grades at A Level without working.

It sounds like the OPs DS fell out of love with the school or it ceased to become a good fit. Often a 'school' type atmosphere where sport is still timetabled or uniform is still worn etc various other school like things that make it the wrong setting for sixth form study.

Our DS got his A-level results back in August and got 3 A stars and an A. We were absolutely thrilled for him. He was originally predicted ABBB, so these results were a huge shock to everyone, including his teachers. Our son told us on results day because of his teachers not predicting him high grades for his UCAS application, he decided to do badly on purpose on all the tests, mocks etc. At this point I am just lost as to why he needed to act that way as we were getting emails at home telling us that he isn't doing anything in lessons etc when at home he was revising and sticking to a routine. I think I have raised somewhat of an insane child. WHO DOES THAT?!

He wasn't exactly a model student at school. He was bright but messed around quite a lot and didn't always put the effort in we now learn that this is on purpose at A Levels, GCSE he was fine but he liked his teachers at GCSE. We did speak to the school several times about his predicted grades because we felt they were quite low but they wouldn't budge, which I do understand to an extent.

The problem is that his predicted grades limited his university choices. He applied to five universities, including some very competitive ones, but was rejected from three.Then results day came around and he achieved 3 A stars and an A.He's now decided to take a gap year and reapply for Engineering, with Cambridge and Bath being two of the universities he's interested in.
We're supportive of the gap year. We actually think it could be a good opportunity for him, particularly as he now has achieved grades rather than predicted grades. We have spoken to Bath admissions and, because he previously applied, they already have his application and results. They've said his achieved grades would make his application very competitive, although obviously nothing is guaranteed and the rest of the application and selection process still matters. Cambridge will obviously be much more difficult and we're under no illusion that he'll necessarily get in.

My issue is what he's actually planning to do during this gap year, it is his attitude.He worked at Waitrose for about a year, in the deli, and left recently. I thought this would be a good opportunity for him to get another job, even if just part-time, earn some money and gain some independence.
However, DH has actually told him that he "doesn't want to do such jobs" and that he's "better than that".DH owns an engineering company (a different area of engineering to what DS wants to go into) and has offered him work there instead.So DS can work for his dad, potentially doing something engineering-related, while living at home and with very little financial pressure.
And then there's the money.

DS turned 18 this summer and DH's parents gave him £34k as an 18th birthday present. I wasn't particularly comfortable with such a large amount being given to an 18-year-old, but obviously it's their money and their decision. I do understand that they are very proud of him and wanted to give him something special.But since then, he's been spending it fairly freely. He recently spent £13k on a car when the Polo he already had was perfectly fine. He's also been buying lots of things he's always wanted.

And now, because they're so proud of his A-level results, DH's parents have gifted him another £10k. They have always been quite generous with our children all throughout. Our children's JISA's are pretty much just for their grandparents to put money in for them. So he's received £44k from his grandparents in a matter of months, at 18.I genuinely don't understand it.
I know people will say "it's their money" and yes, I completely accept that. They can do whatever they want with it, and I know it's coming from a place of love and pride. But I can't help thinking that £10k could have gone straight into his savings account instead of being handed to an 18 year old
What is the point of giving an 18 year old that amount of money? Surely part of the point of helping your children financially is to give them a secure start in life, not necessarily to give them a huge amount of spending money at 18?
DH thinks I'm being ridiculous. He says DS has worked incredibly hard, got exceptional results and deserves to enjoy the money. He also thinks working for his company will give him much better experience than working in a supermarket and could potentially help with his future university application.
And I agree with some of that.I am incredibly proud of DS. I'm not trying to take anything away from his results, and I'm not against helping him financially. If anything, I think we've been very fortunate that he has grandparents who are in a position to give him this sort of support.But I worry about the overall message.
He doesn't need to get a job because Dad will give him one.
He doesn't need to worry about money because grandparents have given him £44k in 2 months.He doesn't need to keep his old car because he can spend £13k on another one.And DH is actively telling him that certain jobs are beneath him.I can't help feeling that we're setting him up to believe that life will always be this easy.

He's 18. Surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to have some structure, earn some of his own money and learn to manage what he has?
Or am I being completely unreasonable and should I just leave him alone?
He got fantastic results, he's got a potentially very exciting future ahead of him and the money is technically his. Maybe I'm just being an old-fashioned mum who thinks an 18 year old should have to work for things rather than have everything handed to him.

AIBU?

10k for passing your A levels? Indulged. Absolutely so

I’m just catching up on your thread and was astonished to read your mention very late last night that your boys are neurodivergent. (I could have sworn this was not disclosed before).
I did wonder about a private school which accepts pupils from the age of four up to A Levels, so no doubt that explains the matter.
But given that the thread is all about your son’s behaviour and attitudes, and what is or is not good for his development into adulthood, that ND detail might be regarded as germane to the discussion from the outset.

Come on now let's be fair, the poor kid has only been to Australia, Japan, Singapore, America, African safaris and everywhere in Europe and he's only been to a cheap school poor thing.

I didn't realise that if I just save for a couple of years I could go on safaris and fly across the world regularly rather than a weekend in a caravan in Blackpool. I can't believe I've been unnecessarily missing out all these years.

Right so this is big information compared to your initial introduction of some kid with just a part time job in Waitrose. If he managed to save up £5k in two months it sounds like his annual income's around the same as an average UK adult. AND he gets a free £45k on top of that for getting good grades? Bloody hell. How the other half live.