AIBU to be annoyed by my husband's rude morning behaviour?

I don't understand why so many people are fixating on the MIL popping round for the laundry . I'm sure it's a rare occurrence not an everyday one.
I also loathe people that use a medical condition as an excuse to be rude. Manners cost absolutely nothing.
What does he do all week, when he isn't at work? Other than the school run, does he do any of the household chores or food shop?
Have you had a sit down, talk with him? Not just about his behaviour, but about whether or not he is happy? It sounds to me that neither of you are, I certainly wouldn't want to stay in an unhappy marriage, it doesn't do anyone any good, even the children.
Would you and your husband be open to couples therapy?

I know I’m a morning person but I’m with you on this. Even though I’m not an evening person if that happened in the evening I could manage basic politeness.

Fabulous example of controlling and weaponised incompetence.

Wow. So you have a teenager who needs mothering and a daughter who is growing up witnessing this. Also, stop using ND as an excuse, for goodness sake he’s a grown man. How do mothers who are ND cope?! I’m a single mother who is ND, I have to find ways to cope. Imagine if I turned around and said I won’t get out of bed until late, do the bare minimum and won’t talk to my children?!

Start thinking of your daughter and what she is witnessing, think how better and calmer her childhood would be. This isn’t fair, if you’re still scared to talk to him then you need to realise you’re in an abusive situation. Or if you can, give him an ultimatum, as others have said he hardly works so I don’t see the issue in him getting up and adjusting like a grown adult.

Similar here since my eldest started high school. I get up and get everyone/everything ready then he rolls out of bed 5 minutes before its time to go and starts bossing everyone about or quizzing me about if they've got everything they need. I'm hoping the novelty will wear off and he'll go back to sleeping until we're all out of the house as it just gets everyone on edge and ruins our relaxed happy mornings. Hes also got an equally annoying habit of coming up and winding my youngest up at bedtime when I'm in the middle of reading his bedtime story. It's infuriating

I understand not wanting to be sociable in the morning but that doesn't mean its OK to black people. A basic 'morning' should be the minimum, particularly if he expects this from your daughter

I think it's OK to take some time for himself if he is then doing the school run and it takes a similar amount of time as getting her ready, if tasks are generally split fairly. It sounds like you would rather he doesn't spend time with you anyway.

However he should not be angrily rushing her every day, unless she is deliberately ignoring things / dawdling and being constantly late, in which case you need to sit down the three of her to sort it out (eg my kids have no TV until they're ready otherwise it takes twice as long for them to eat).

It sounds like this relationship is pretty much over. Maybe start working towards a split now, because your daughter will be getting herself ready for school and getting herself there before you know it.

I'm not a morning person, but I choose to be polite.
'Good morning' never spoiled a morning, unless said to you by the enemy ☹️.
YANBU, OP.

But she’s your mum, not his - there’s absolutely no reason he needs to come and thank her and have a chat when you’re right there and have already done it.

If my MIL turned up at 8am for a coffee and a chat I would be hiding upstairs. I love my MIL but I don’t want to chat to anyone in the morning.

Again, would he even want that? He sounds so uninvolved! If you wanted sole custody and he just spent a day with her then gave her back, would he object to this arrangement? Hand on heart? Or would he be relieved to go back to his miserable grumpy routine? 🤔

Full disclosure, my mum didn't leave my dad when she should have, and I still harbor a lot of resentment about that. When I found out they "stayed together for the children" I was seething because I perceived it as being blamed for everyone being in that situation.

I'm a big girl now with my own children, but those scars run deep.

Sorry but it would irritate the shit out of me if MIL popped round early in the morning to pick up a load of washing. I'd much rather do the washing myself.

Surely he needs to be doing 2/3 mornings a week, where he wakes up early and then sorts DD out before taking her to school.

So basically, if he works weekends, he does absolutely no morning parenting at all and has a lie in 5 days a week?

If it is one parent's job to get a child ready to leave for school, and a different parent's job to actually take them, then this is quite likely to lead to conflict.
But why is it your job to get her ready for school on a day when you are working and he is off work? That is madness.

I'd be more worried about him being unplesant to his dd every single morning, that would really grate on me and i'd make him put a stop to it.

He's not necessarily rude for not making a special effort to say hello, i'm not nd and i would struggle with that.

How would he have responded if your mother had gone into the livingroom to say hi? How would he have behaved if it were the evening, would he have popped out to say a quick hello & thanks?

If you do decide to confront him about his morning behaviour just pick one of these issues, don't hit him with both bc he will feel overwhelmed and got-at. Choose whether you want him to stop yelling at his daughter, or sitting on hus own, it's unreasonable to expect him to change both behaviours at once.

OP, I think there is a middle ground for the moment.
You move out of the shared bedroom for whatever reason and you spend the next year or two looking after and thinking only of yourself.
Stop covering for him or including him in what you do with your daughter.
He is an utter misery and is dragging you down.
It's clear he doesn't enjoy being around you, so you will leave him to crack on.

Focus on your life, building your network of friends and supporters.

Look at your finances and siphon money to your mother so you have back up money to rent somewhere.

Get those ducks in a row.
He will notice, but just tell him he drags the house down with his rudeness and moods and you are no longer prepared to be around it.

My partner is like that. Though less so since I told him that he was ruining everyones morning acting like that.
I also got the kids (teens) to ignore him every morning for a week - as he got put out when they didnt say 'i love you' on leaving. And explained that if he keeps up being a dick, that the kids will probably chose to stop saying it themselves.

Mine does this a lot though, goes straight to abrasive. He grew up without a dad, and had a mum that was a complete sap who literally lived to serve and baby her babies. I had both parents who would ask - but explain WHY - then you had like 3 chances and then a glare - then you get yelled at.

Not an ND issue but a man issue. I'm ND and my day looks like yours.

Exactly this! And he can slump later if he needs to once everything is sorted.

YANBU
I am not a morning person. At all. I am grumpy and flustered and easily stressed out.
BUT I am also a mum. So I get up early, as does my DH, early enough that we can both help the kids get uniforms on, check bags, make them toast and packed lunches etc. before we go to work, and I slap on a smile every single day because my family doesn’t deserve my morning mood!!
If it was the other way around I’d expect the same from my DH, but he is an early bird!

If the DH needs an hour in the morning to not be a unbearable grump then surely the obvious solution is that he gets up when OP does? I'm not brilliant first thing in the morning, which is why I get up at a time that I am not leaving as soon as possible after waking.