AIBU to be annoyed by my husband's rude morning behaviour?

You’re being unreasonable, some people just aren’t good in the morning, me included, I’m assuming he’s always been like this and it’s not a sudden change of behaviour, leave the poor bloke alone.

Doesn't sound like he'd push for any custody. She doesn't have to stay overnight. He could have her for a couple of evenings or daytime on the weekend.
You're both miserable and that makes your daughter miserable. How do I know? Because I've been in your position. I have a 5 year old DD and I just would not put up with him making us miserable any longer. You know what to do. Trust me.

For the people saying he’s just not a morning person. The difference here is HE GETS A CHOICE NOT TO BE. As usual, mum doesn’t. Who the fuck is a morning person, really? Nobody wants to get up, immediately start cleaning, making lunches, taking care of everybody else’s personal hygiene issues while probably still busting for your own morning wee. But as mother and obviously primary caregiver, you have to get the bloody hell on with it as it has to be done. And you don’t stop around being moody about it because your child doesn’t deserve to have their mornings going off to school with parents in shitty moods. I bet when op is poorly she still gets up and does the stuff that has to be done. So why does husband get to wake up late, have the morning to himself every single morning? There is a difference between not being a morning person “and just needing a minute and a sip of coffee” and getting up nearly an hour and a half after your significant other, not lifting a finger in any parenting duties nor even acknowledging your family (whom you are meant to love) until you are ready to walk out the door. Why do you put up with it? If he’s nd then just tell him straight what pisses you off and what needs to change. Don’t give any room for him to misinterpret. Don’t hint at the problem. Just say it how it is.

Exactly. Especially not the people you’re supposed to love the most in the world.

My OH can be a moody git. I grew up in a family where everyone had a cheery “good morning darling, how did you sleep?” sort of chat in the morning and I ABSOLUTELY hated that he would grunt and not talk in the morning like a teenager. At some point I told him outright that I didn’t think that was normal and I didn’t want our DD growing up like that so he needed to sort it out. He is never going to be a cheerful morning person but he does at least say morning now and make me a cuppa.

I agree with this.

But isn't that kind of selfish then? To prioritise your own feelings about missing her ahead of her having an overall happier and less stressful life.

Ok, so I understand you not wanting to be separated from your daughter, but growing up in a house with two miserable people is more damaging than growing up in two separate, happier households.

My sister has separated from her husband, and her children are thriving, they are calmer and more secure than they ever were, and my sister and her husband barely argued.

Children pick up and are sensitive to vibes and atmosphere. Your daughter will be picking up on this, and also learning that having a partner who barely interacts with her is completely ok. How you and your husband treat each other is what is normalised for your daughter and what she will accept when she is older.

Another situation I've just remembered is how angry my best friend was when her parents split up. She was angry because they had waited until she was 16 and could "handle it". She felt completely betrayed.

I don’t like being up in the morning either just like yourself HOWEVER as adults we need to know what we can and can’t control. if it’s his responsibility to take DD to school he is old enough to get a grip and wake up early enough to be sociable!! Poor daughter must be on bloody egg shells with him the miserable toad lol!

He juat sounds like a gromp f*** in the mornings. Does he improve as the days wears on. Id be making a few comments to your DD saying "come on grumpy pants is in a rush"

Exactly! People lose so much goodwill by being rude and dismissive. No one has an automatic right to anyone's time but good manners aren't optional because they're an expression of basic respect for others.

I'm getting mixed messages.
YANBU at all. If he's ND then he's unlikely to change, especially as you say he's been increasingly grumpy over the years.
However.... the almost panicked way you describe how you couldn't let your child stay overnight with him if you split up is speaking to me more loudly than your original post.
You say your daughter doesn't like getting up with him because he's so miserable- totally understandable and fair enough. But you also complain he does nothing.
Going to stick my neck out her me and surmise that you've fallen out of love with him and aren't happy.
If your daughter really doesn't like to be around him she's unlikely to want to stay overnight, and neither would she have to.
So what next? Another 10 years of this, or being pro active and moving forward? Is this situation fair on any of you?
If you really are this far apart from each other and therapy won't help, what is it you want? And how are you going to get there?

In this instance I wouldn't be including his laundry for your mother to kindly do.
He's a rude pig.
Let him use the laundrette.
OP, you have tolerated far too much already from him.

He sounds like an absolute arse op. How he is treating your daughter especially is not ok but he isn't going to change until you leave (or if he is ND, gets a diagnosis and medicated) and as you have said you won't leave then you will just need to find a way to deal with him but more importantly you need to find a way to protect your daughter from his behaviour, just because he isn't harming her physically, he is still doing plenty of emotional damage and it isn't fair for her.

I’m sorry but all the ‘not a morning person’ stuff is just ridiculous. It’s called being an adult and having manners.

So he asked you to ask her to call early so he didn’t have to chat to her yet you still expected him to chat to her?

Are there some bits of preparation that you could pass to him (packing lunch and the school bag, laying out uniform) which wouldn't involve him in too much interaction? You can still have a nice chatty breakfast with DD but he gets up a bit earlier and contributes. If his grumpiness is time-limited he might get it out of his system. Your DD will also be able to do more for herself as she gets older and she should be responsible for her own things, dressing etc.

I am no morning person at all but I do think its rude to just grunt at people or ignore them. Especially when they have specifically come to your house to do you a favour.
My morning grumpiness is my issue, not everyone else’s and I do make the effort to at least smile, talk politely to the other people in my home and at least fake the pleasantry 😂
Reading your later posts OP I really feel for you 😞

Oh so much calmness and then a suddenly the sound of a pots and pans smashing. As in our household. Where's the joy and fun? Personally i would get a empty pan and smash the lid behind him. Might jolt and give him a body reset.

My mum knows me and my partner so she knows if she calls before 8am I’m a grunting mess and after 9pm he’s good for nothing! You should work out how he can stop shouting in the morning, that’s not acceptable on a routine basis. But let him be otherwise, sounds like you and your daughter have a fine routine.

I agree with everyone that this is the wrong issue but can see why you’re focussing on it with all the other stuff going on. But you were with your mum, no need for any interaction from him. Everything else though is shit. I wouldn’t want to see any visitors after I’d just got up and no ND here

I would not want someone coming round first thing to collect washing. I would have asked her to come after 10. I’d rather go to a laundrette or drop it off at her house than have a pre 9am visitor. All this morning chattiness sounds too much for me. He wasn’t rude to your mother he just stayed in another room whilst you had a presumably prearranged chat with her