AIBU to stop attending family gatherings after MIL's favouritism?

How far away do you live?

We stopped seeing my inlaws for about two years following this kind of behaviour - mostly from my MIL. But we lived 1.5 hours away and only typically saw them a few times per year. I don't think they even noticed!

We did resume social contact with them once our children were older and could speak up for themselves. I just didn't see the point in wasting my time and energy seeing them and being made to feel like a bad parent. My MIL appeared to have a dislike of my eldest and called her names behind our back so I felt compelled to protect her. DH was onboard as he had his own tricky upbringing.

When we started seeing them again, they were kinder, or less outspoken at least, and now my DC are grown up and have their own relationship with inlaws and it is all fine. I was fortunate in that DH's brother, who was MIL's favourite, used to stick up for us and challenge his parents on our behalf.

Anyway, I said YANBU. We don't owe people our time and access to our children if they are mean-spirited to us or our children.

I'd stop attending, and make it very clear to the kids that it was entirely their choice whether they do so.

Come from over 27 years experience of this. MIL has always favoured the grandchildren of DW's sibling, principally because their mother (her daughter-in-law) is the best person to ever walk this planet in her view. All of the grandchildren know this and joke about it amongst themselves (so no animosity there thankfully). Our 2 children however as grown adults have nothing to do with MIL and she just cannot see why. Most definitely a case of reaping what they sow.

If it was you being sidelined, I would suggest persisting.

As it is affecting your DC, it would be unkind to them to continue. It is no example to them to see such unfavourable treatment accepted as normal.

Tackle it head on, when she ignores you or your children again pull her up in front of everyone... Say something like oh sorry did you not hear me or are you being rude? Unacceptable behaviour from a grown woman!

She is not going to change. So what to do? The one thing I would not do is continue to pretend her behaviour is not outrageous and just put up with it.
If you don’t want a family rift you could attend those events you want to see the people you want and avoid your MiL. You would need to have an age appropriate conversation with your children and agree an approach on how to handle the situation with them. If she does behave badly despite your best attempts, call her on it there and then. Dont be afraid of bringing it out on the open. I can imagine your child responding to the comment about the football for example ‘it’s ok mum, I know grandma doesn’t like our family so obviously she would not want to watch me’ - nice and loud for everyone to hear! But stop doing the ‘pick me’ trying to make her care about your family because she likes being able to slight you - ignore her and avoid her. You could combine this with a policy of declining anything not to your benefit and never inviting her over. Also, no favours or help - dont ask and don’t provide. You may well (no guarantee) start to see her respect you more and try harder when you deop her like a stone.

Perfectly reasonable to step back OP.

My ex PIL's so obviously favoured SIL's kids. Gave them expensive gifts for birthdays and Christmas, babysat them often, their faces would light up around them. It was so sad for my kids.

The final straw for me was when, after looking after SIL's dog for a couple of weeks, they were regaling us with tales of what they'd done with the dog each day and how they had spoiled him. I thought 'wow they have never treated our children that well!' and after that I backed away completely from them.

Just stop bothering with them and decline any invitations. You don't need them in your life. It's up to DH to manage his own relationship with them, you don't need to be involved.

Hard disagree.
There is one thing having to deal with tricky people at work and having to negotiate these situations, be they colleagues, clients, rival companies, general public.

Totally different when family members or “friends” treat you badly. You don’t keep subjecting yourself to bad treatment. Sure, have a conversation if it is a recent change or it seems like a misunderstanding. However, over a prolonged period of time - just no.

ETA: Teach self respect, self worth and the realisation that no matter what you do, some people just won’t like you so you have to let it go and move on.

Or, she is teaching her daughters you don’t have to put up and be nice to toxic people just because they are “family”

Good lesson to learn early.

Stop worrying about your MIL. Focus on catching up with other lovely relatives at family gatherings.
Quite seriously, emulate your DH. He knows he can't change his mother yet he feels the contact with the wider family is worth it.

SIL was the favourite here. No surprise it continued with her DC.

I was the overlooked grandchild. Why would you subject your children to this and teach them that it is okay? Why would you subject yourself to this kind of treatment too? Just don’t go. You will soon hear about how hurt MIL is when you no longer pander to her, but if she reels you back in, it will get worse.

I wouldn't go again and neither would my DD unless there was some drastic shift

Stop attending, I did and honestly best thing I ever done. My kids were younger when I cut my mum off, but even now to this day, they absolutely remember the way ‘grab’ treated them vs the other grandchildren. My children now ignore her anytime they see her, ofcourse this means she’s the victim in her eyes as she can’t see the damage she done.

It doesn’t matter what you do, she will never acknowledge any struggle you’ve faced. I was a single parent at the time, at hospital upto 5 days a week between 2 of my children, working from home until late to make up lost hours, school runs, club runs etc. I made one comment about how knackered I was and she asked me how I thought my sister felt. Who is happily married with great family support, 1 healthy child and drops her daughter to school and off to work part time and back in plenty of time to chill before school is over…. apparently telling her she must feel pretty fucking great made me selfish 🤷🏼‍♀️ my sister on the other hand was absolutely dumbfounded at the sheer stupidity of the comment!

take it from someone with 18 yrs of experience, you are not alone.
I am pretty much no contact after very obvious favouritism by the in laws.

now my dc are older and can stay home wirhout us, if we ever need to pop over to theirs - which is rare for me - we do it without the kids, keep it short and sweet and are on our way shortly after.
if they ever ask where are the dc I say they didn’t want to come and leave it that.
don’t be upset . Decentre them from yours and your dcs lives. If they blatantly favour other grandchildren they are not worth your time and effort , and certainly not your tears.

I think YABU because neither you or your husband are teaching your daughters how to deal with tricky relationships other than by avoiding risk of conflict and pretending it’s not happening (DH) or crying and running away from the situation (OP).

Dealing with difficult people as an adult is an important life skill that parents need to teach their children because they definitely won’t learn this at school!

It often amazes me how many posters use ‘social anxiety’ as a ‘get out of adulting’ card on these threads. Avoiding uncomfortable situations is doing your children no favours at all and perpetuates the rot for the subsequent generations.

MIL was chatting away to her niece's older son about school, joking that he hadn't had detention yet. My eldest daughter is in the same year at the same school, so I mentioned how well she's doing

her niece was talking about her daughter who plays football, and my MIL said, "I'll have to come and watch her play one day." My husband then pointed out that our daughter plays football too, but MIL completely ignored the comment and carried on as if nothing had been said.

I would have ignored the comment as well. I never understand why when talking to one person another wants to shoehorn their kid into it.

Do you always turn the conversation back towards you/your child?

I would just decline all invitations from them and gradually stop seeing them. You'll never change them. They don't care about your feelings and even less about your kids' feelings, so you won't be missing out on anything positive.

My DB1 and his son GC1 have long been firm favourites, so I get how it rankles when your positive comments about your own dc are countered with how much better the favoured GC is, or even just ignoring your comment and replying to mention favoured GC. But your relatives are even worse than this, so you've nothing to lose by simply getting on with your lives and not getting involved in theirs.

Sounds like the target is your DH and, by association, you and your DC.
They are not going to change esp if his comment about his childhood is anything to go by.
Cut ties. Get them out of your head, no more second guessing their actions and words, no more trying to show yourself and your DC in a good light only to be ignored.

Sounds exactly like my in laws. Best thing I did was cut all contact. Not interested. Life is too short to be around horrible people. Especially people who don’t even acknowledge your own children!!!

You are not being unreasonable. Obviously socialising with your PILs is demoralising for you and your children, with their clear favouritism for the children of less close family members and your FIL's criticism of your younger daughter who has been diagnosed with ADHD was horrible. Socialising with them is the opposite of enjoyable so I would give it a miss in future if I were you.

Your DH, while recognising what his parents are doing, isn't ready to challenge them or cut them off. If he still wants to visit and socialise with his parents, don't try and stop him but don't make your children go as they shouldn't have to put up with either being ignored or criticised. They are really shitty grandparents to your children and I'm sorry they aren't nicer people.

These are trash humans. You and your kids deserve better. Walk away and don’t give it a second thought.