AIBU to stop attending family gatherings after MIL's favouritism?

What are they like when you see them without other people present? Do they have any redeeming qualities at all?

She's a bully. It's as simple as that.

Limit your time and your interactions with her.

When attending family events (and why should you stop, if you enjoy the company of other members of the family?) make sure to spend all of your time happily chatting to anyone and everyone but her.

If she notices and doesn't like it, make sure that you are not alone with her so that any nasty comments are overheard by others.

If she does make an unkind comment, stop... tell her that you are sorry but you did not hear what she said, and can she repeat it? Make sure as many people as possible hear what she says. Do not rise to it but reply calmly and minimise what she says with things like ' I don't think you understand', 'it's not really like that.' Just laugh it off because everyone can see how ridiculous she is.

She will not change so this, or reducing contact with her, is the only thing to you do.

She does not deserve your attention or thoughts.

I agree with PP that rather than going NC you should tech your DC how to navigate difficult relationships. Grow a thick skin, ignore MIL completely and enjoy socialising with other family members. On the way home in the car have a laugh about silly MIL fawning over the golden ones.

I really don't understand these type of posts.
It must be so hurtful.. why do you keep going back for more? Just cut ties.. hugs.

@Footballcoachmum do you ever have them over to yours on their own, or would MIL not come? If they do, is she the same then?

I have had to move away from family gatherings too. Not cos of my MiL but because of my Mum. The last one we went to was a picnic at a national trust property. My mum planned it, she had got me to order the food due to my staff discount leaving me out of pocket for several days because she prefers to reimburse people rather than give them the required money in advance, when thank yous were announced i wasn't even mentioned. When i got there she ignored me and my husband, except to tell us not to eat all the sandwiches, (as if we would) prefering to talk to my aunts and cousins, she still expected me to help clean up afterwards. I cried most of the way home. A similar thing happened at my Nana's birthday party re.the sandwiches comment but my cousin who was a small baby at the picnic was now 5 and interested in everyone

The repeating of the story about the ex shows that MIL wants you both there as an audience whilst she bitches about you. That would be the final straw for me and I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of being present any more.

The repeating of the story about the ex shows that MIL wants you both there as an audience whilst she bitches about you. That would be the final straw for me and I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of being present any more.

When my mil sees my son, she talks to him like you would to a neighbour’s grandchild.
Kinda nice, but at arm’s length.

Ooh, look how tall you are.
Are you looking forward to going back to school?
Have you had a nice summer?

Banal shit like that.

My husband then pointed out that our daughter plays football too, but MIL completely ignored the comment and carried on as if nothing had been said....
My eldest daughter is in the same year at the same school, so I mentioned how well she's doing. Again, no interest, no follow-up questions, just completely dismissed.

It does sound like your MIL was talking to other people and you and your husband shoehorned a mention of your children in. "I must come and see them play" is merely a social nicety. In those cases I don't think she sounds rude.

The stepfather criticising your parenting was wrong, though.

My mil only has time for one of her grandchildren, and it ain’t my son!

She’s very close to me sil’s daughter - which is the general order of things.
But, she can’t have one conversation where granddaughter’s name doesn’t come up. And once it’s up - it fucking stays up for half an hour, if i don’t stop her.
I quickly change the subject, before i am subjected to the latest mundane what-have-you.
Niece had teeth out before a brace fitting, and you’d think it was NASA training before going on the ISS.
I got a blow by blow account of everything that happened.

My mil idolises her daughter, and now also idolises her granddaughter.
Which is fine, but she can’t expect everyone else to feel the same way.

We're in a similar situation except we all used to have a really good close relationship with mil and her with her GC until sil had dc. We would visit each other at least twice a week and phone each other at least twice PW. I felt lucky I had a great mil that I got along with and could talk to her about anything

Then sil had dc and we got completely side lined. All visits stopped. She visits sil several times a week who lives 5 minutes away from us, she only visits us only on birthdays. Dh sent her a message when he was upset about everything, she promised she would be more involved and nothing. Dc are still really upset about it but I can't force her to be in our lives when we clearly don't matter to her anymore. I'm still sad about it, I loved my mil but hate to see the upset shes caused

Your MIL is not a nice lady. Be kind to yourself and your children by limiting contact with her.

My DH wasn't Golden Boy in the family and I guess by extension I wasn't good enough either . His SIL was much more biddable than I, being younger , not having a great relationship with her own mother and didn't want to jeapordise that . Which was OK for them to do . But I did feel hurt that my DCs never had a sleep over or got taken out by them . Excuse was they were too young but it was nonsense. I tried not to show it but I never felt kindly towards them . It is horrible to think that your DCs are thought of in this way . I would cry too. Luckily I moved very far away near my own family who absolutely adored and cherished my children.

Why did your Dh not talk to his Mum about her lack of concern after the miscarriage? It seems like opportunities to pull her up on her behaviour have been ignored and so now she knows she can treat you like this because you let her. We literally teach people how to treat us.

Your Dh should have a conversation with her now about all the hurt and upset his Mum has caused. Could he talk to his sister? Does she have his back? Because I guarantee that if he talks to his Mum she will run straight to SIL who will hopefully confirm she does that.

I am sorry you had a miscarriage, I cannot imagine the pain of that.

This was my first thought too when informed they had moved closer

I remember becoming a young adult and no longer being interested in visiting my demanding, selfish grandparents.

It became easier when my dad left home after an affair, and they happily had him back whilst his new love nest was being created. My mum obviously went NC with them then as well.

I didn't attend my grandmothers funeral, and only went to my Grandfathers because my mum did.

Being ' family' doesn't excuse people being awful, there's no law saying you must like them or have anything to do with them.

Sack these family gatherings off, they sound unbearable. Your kids will thank you as well.

I don’t know, maybe he is too passive generally. However, it is so difficult for the child of that parent. We see it countless times, adults who have been emotionally abused, neglected, taken advantage of by the parents and they still want to please the parent or at least not upset them. Some will nurse them in their old age to the detriment of themselves and their families. The hold is strong. It’s easy to tell someone else that they need to stand up to their parents even if it is clearly the right thing to do.

OP is one step removed and so it’s easier for her to pull back and there will be no loss to her.

DILs join the family and, as the outsiders, can see the faults of the family and the dynamics that those within think are normal. I can’t speak for the sons-in-law.

I'd stop making any effort to attend. Give your DDs the choice if they want to go.

What is disappointing is your DH attitude. When he says he wants no drama, he means he'd rather you're upset than have to upset his mother by saying anything.

You have a husband problem.

She doesn't like you, and by extension your children. However you have a massive DH problem is he has refused to do anything to support you over the years, and actually he is an awful father if he hasn't tackled the blatant dislike towards his own children.

Why do you stay with someone who doesn't have his wife's back or worse, his children's backs?

Oh no. Watch out for the expectations of help and care as they age - the favourite child will never be expected to do this.*
And, if we want to be cynical/realistic - the inheritance is unlikely to be equally split anyway. Obviously, I could be completely wrong but she doesn’t strike me as a fair person based on your posts.

*to add, the “lesser” child is manipulated into thinking that one day they will meet their parent’s approval and receive equal love by tending to their every need.

This.

Yep, bin them off. Then add passive aggressive comments on social media about how sad it is when you have to cut ties with extended family who go out of their way to make you feel excluded and less than.

Just no need, is there. Let's hope they never need anything from you.

"Laid back" and "doesn't want drama" are just different ways of saying "coward" and "lacking a backbone". I have no patience for people like this who make life harder for everyone. A few well-placed comments from your partner would potentially have fixed this. Like: "hang on mum, Footballcoachmum was just talking about our child.. did you have any follow-up questions" or "can we focus on this side of the family for a few minutes" or "we have lots of updates about XYZ, if you're interested" and when it's ignored: "oh, so you're not interested in catching up, we'll get out of your hair then, enjoy your meal".

And then walk out. It's not difficult, is it? Otherwise, he is asking you to spend every gathering being treated like that. Have a conversation with him and ask why he doesn't want to stand up for you.

Urgh, couldn't have sex with a man who demonstrates he has no balls. Sorry.