AIBU to expect my brothers to help visit our mother in hospital?

I didn't ask for my mum to get involved with a child abuser then ignore what was happening.
The 'but they are your parents and brought you up' types can duck off with their twee lives.
FWIW, I didn't look after her in old age, why would I? She died and I wasn't bothered in any sense.

I think you just answered yourself?

The only thing you can control in this situation is how much you do and with some reflections/ emotional work how you respond to the situation.

Your brothers have their own relationship with your mother and they will have to live with what they choose to do or not do.

You need to set a frequency for hospital visiting that works for you and your family. You need to decide how much care you can give at home. You cannot force your brothers to help (admittedly it would be nice if they did but it is up to them).

I'm a carer. I'm very clear that I do what I do because I choose to especially now the person concerned is in a care home. So I visit because I want to, take them out and I send gifts/ flowers and messages as a choice. One of my siblings does very little the other does a bit more "social" stuff.

Caring is hard and sometimes the person being cared for just has to suck up being in hospital without visitors. My mum was in hospital for months before she died. We were all very involved and started trying to cover two visiting slots/ day between us. My father's health (he was doing most afternoons) really deteriorated, then my brother and I realised that we were barely ever at home except to sleep, and domestic life and fallen well below the dysentry line so we all pulled back. Mum got a visitor most but not all days and my Dad tried to spread the word amongst her social circle to plug some of the gaps but it just wasn't possible. Yes she was ill (dying) but the rest of us needed to survive too. Like they say on planes - put your own oxygen mask on first.

How many times has mother been in hospital?

Sounds tough and YANBU to feel like that. They should of course help but it sounds like they won’t.

can you let them know you’re unwell and it’s not safe to visit mum with a cold? I’m surprised you’re allowed in the hospital with colds anyway. Say that they need to take turns whilst you recover.

Then look at care homes. Tell them they need to help find one and visit regularly. You can’t go on like this

This is classic! I would try speaking to your brothers first and ask them to visit. But I would do this if they still didn't visit after your efforts.

So why aren't you her favourite rather than the brother that does nothing?

OP at least you be able to live with yourself knowing you did riggt by your mum, she brought you up and has loved you have you have loved her back. A pp suggested you ring around any other relatives or friends of your mum and ask if people can visit her just to lighten the load a bit on you, I think thats a great idea. But tell them the truth about your brothers, and feel free to be honest with your brothers about what you think of their behaviour too. And do not update them about your mum, if thry want to know anything they can go and see her.

you are very judgmental. You have no idea what childhood that person had.

And me not coping with it all by myself is the reason they are in a care home and not still managing badly at home. They are whipping through their money with the cost of it so I doubt any of us will receive an inheritance but it’s so worth it to know that they are safe and being looked after properly and I am a different person without the stress and worry of them. My visits now are social and a pleasure rather than trying to keep on top of managing them and keeping them safe. Sounds like a good option as You need to take care of yourself and hubby. Huge hugs. It’s not easy.

None of you are obligated to visit, OP. If you want to visit less often, then.....visit less often.

Sounds like there’s a very real chance of you caring for your mother to prevent her needing to go into a care home, just for her to leave everything to your brothers anyway .

If you are disabled, you cannot realistically care for your frail elderly mother. If she needs a care home, so be it.

You’re not being selfish expecting them to visit but ultimately you can’t make them. I’m in the same position with two elderly parents in a care home. I have two siblings. One who lives closer than me but I am the only one who visits. One does live a few hours away and stops by a couple of times a year. I have stopped asking them for help and framed it to myself that I’m the lucky one who gets to spend time with them and makes them happy. The other two can’t cope with visiting for whatever reasons which are frankly none of my business. I guess they don’t feel so close to them as I do. My parents have no expectations of me to do anything and are still telling me I shouldn’t visit so much. Good luck. You need to make peace with what you are happy to do and not fret about what they aren’t doing. Good luck.

Whenever threads along these lines come up, there are always posts like this “just tell your sibling that from now on they’re doing X”

They are adults who OP doesn’t employ. She can’t tell them what to do and expect that it will work, regardless of how unreasonable they might be being (I’m not sure I agree with OP’s comment that her brother working a lot isn’t an excuse, depending on the circumstances, commute length, distance to hospital etc etc)

My brothers didn't bother either. It's wimmin's work, innit?

Put boundaries in place. This isn’t fair.