Page 2 | AIBU to expect my brothers to help visit our mother in hospital?

YourNattyGreyViewer · 2026-09-06T07:16:31+00:00

My elderly mother is in hospital since 2 and a half weeks now after a fall and can’t walk, she lives with us but hasn’t been declared medically fit so can’t be discharged, she’s waiting to be placed in a mobility rehab unit to help her walk again but there’s no spaces just yet. I have 2 brothers who do nothing to help, ie go visit her, text or phone her. it’s left to me and my husband so we go together every other day. It’s a half hour drive each way and it’s hard for us to get things done at home, am I being unreasonable in expecting my 2 brothers to help out with the visiting? Also we have a constant cold that gets worse every time we visit, maybe it’s the aircon?

Lampzade · Yesterday 12:27

thepariscrimefiles · Yesterday 08:40

Urgh! It makes me really cross that so many elderly parents, normally mothers, still expect their daughters to provide hands-on care, are never particularly grateful for that care and still favour their sons, who do nothing practical to help at all.

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They will be there when there is a will
where there is a will, there is a relative

Greyhound98 · Yesterday 12:25

It’s very common that the sister/sisters are landed with the full responsibility of care of elderly parents. My partner was happy to allow his sister to do all this and it made me think less of him, and I told him so, so he bucked up a bit.
I imagine this will happen to me too, as my own brother is useless- fully enabled by our mother.
Im sure the brothers will have their hand out for any inheritance, ask them to name the days they will visit, and actually make them say that they expect you do all the grunt work, they might be embarrassed in to it, but it’s unlikely.

99bottlesofkombucha · Yesterday 12:19

YourNattyGreyViewer · Yesterday 09:11

We didn’t agree all 4 of us, it was just between mum and I. Before mum and I made a loose care arrangement, she had cancer and I was going backwards and forwards with her to the hospital an hour away, it made me physically sick, then after her operation the younger brother visited her once I think before she came home, that was nice but when she got home I was asked by the nurses to sleep in her flat (on the sofa btw) for couple of nights. I stayed first night then asked my brothers, which of you will stay the second night, they both laughed and in the end mum said, I’m ok, I’ll be alright on my own, then the younger brother said it’s ok I’m only down the road, just call if she needs him. At least I had some help then but now, nothing. It’s not just me, I’m thinking of mum, they have asked by text how she’s doing but they don’t phone or text her which would be lovely for her but they’d rather ask me how she’s doing. My older brother came round after a week asking if she’s upstairs, no I said, still in hospital. And I said I don’t know how she’s going to manage if she comes home, he said no problem just stick a bed in her living area! She won’t be able to use the stairs, or get around much, she might need more help than before so I’m considering care homes now, their inheritance may be wiped out but I’m disabled myself, and my husband can hardly cope as it is and I don’t want us to split over this.

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If they’ve asked you by text from now on you reply ‘she’d love the chance to hear from you, I’ll let you check in on her yourself to see how she’s doing. If she’s not up to it the
hospital will tell you, I won’t be providing any updates to siblings who have their own mums contact details and two working hands, I’ll assume you’re checking in with mum and getting them directly. Have told uncle and aunt <any other family members> that we are all getting our own updates straight from mum or the hospital.

luckylavender · Yesterday 12:15

You can’t make them visit. And visiting sick relatives in hospital is pretty normal. Easier than dealing with her at home will be.

2chocolateoranges · Yesterday 12:05

My brother is useless too, my mum sat beside his bedside for hours while he was in a coma ICU for many weeks. She got the bus, sat most of the day and got bus an hour back home.

would he do it for her? Not a chance! Lazy and selfish man.

rookiemere · Yesterday 11:52

You cannot change your Bs. Read or listen to Mel Robbins “Let Them”.
You are right to start considering care homes, not least because the percentage care of your DM by sibling will not be reflected in any will split. But also you’re making yourself unwell- would your DM
actually want that ? Sometimes we pretzel ourselves so much for our elderly parents we make our health almost worse than theirs which is just plain wrong.

You can’t make up for your useless Bs just as you can’t make them
do anything. Your DM will be ok in hospital without a daily visit, but a daily visit is making you ill.

Jdonwh · Yesterday 11:31

YourNattyGreyViewer · Yesterday 08:27

They haven’t spent a lot of time with her, one works a lot but that’s no excuse and the other younger one (the favourite) didn’t contact her for a long time but just lately he’s been dropping by the house whenever he feels inclined, but no regular thing, except the past couple of months mum would take him out for lunch once a week. He came with us on the first visit but when I asked him a second time he said no he won’t go as he found it thoroughly depressing so I didn’t ask again. Would just be nice if they could make their own way there.

Depressing for HIM? How does he think his elderly mother feels to be in this situation also with two of her children not bothering to visit her?
Both of your brothers are being very selfish. Like others say, you can't change their behaviour but in your shoes I would strongly point out to them how selfish they are being and how upsetting this may be for your -their- mother.
Some men are such lazy sods with these kinds of things.

Lomonald · Yesterday 11:27

YourNattyGreyViewer · Yesterday 11:25

Yes good idea. Will an ordinary care home take her in a wheelchair if she can’t walk?

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Yes definitely they would take her if she needs a wheelchair.

Original poster

YourNattyGreyViewer · Yesterday 11:25

Lomonald · Yesterday 11:18

I think working with rehab and maybe asking to speak to them about care homes might be your best bet, also when she is in Rehab I would maybe book some time away and inform your brothers and give rehab one of them as point of contact.

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Yes good idea. Will an ordinary care home take her in a wheelchair if she can’t walk?

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YourNattyGreyViewer · Yesterday 11:21

ClairDeLaLune · Yesterday 09:55

My brother is useless too OP. It seems to be quite common.

Focus on the fact that you’re a good person, that you’re doing a lovely thing for your mum, that you have a close relationship with her and that you’re making her happy. That’s what I do with mine. Your brothers can live with their own consciences. If they have them.

Thanks. Yes some sons are like that, I don’t know why, I find them good at delegating which they probably think they are doing by doing nothing! Is it always the daughter who is expected to step up? Maybe we’re just more in tune with things and think of the emotional side as well as the practical side. Yes I agree we have to let them live with their own consciences at the end of the day.

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Lomonald · Yesterday 11:18

YourNattyGreyViewer · Yesterday 11:07

Thank you, yes she is staying in the hospital until she can secure a place in rehab, hopefully it will be soon where she can practice walking again. That’s for up to 6 weeks but then? If she hasn’t got a place at a care home after that where will she stay?

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I think working with rehab and maybe asking to speak to them about care homes might be your best bet, also when she is in Rehab I would maybe book some time away and inform your brothers and give rehab one of them as point of contact.

Original poster

YourNattyGreyViewer · Yesterday 11:11

Gleba · Yesterday 11:04

I think when there’s no background or abuse or similar, phoning your elderly mum when she’s in hospital is the least one can do. So YANBU OP.

in your shoes I’d start the ball rolling with the care home route, it seems the best option given the circumstances. Hope it all goes well.

Thank you.

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Original poster

YourNattyGreyViewer · Yesterday 11:10

Gleba · Yesterday 11:04

I think when there’s no background or abuse or similar, phoning your elderly mum when she’s in hospital is the least one can do. So YANBU OP.

in your shoes I’d start the ball rolling with the care home route, it seems the best option given the circumstances. Hope it all goes well.

Yes maybe I should start looking straight away, often there’s a waiting list in there.

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YourNattyGreyViewer · Yesterday 11:07

Lomonald · Yesterday 10:59

I would enquire about respite care maybe for a week or 2 , if your partner doesn't want people in the house because of their own mental health then I think respite is a good option, because you also matter, even if your mother needs to pay for her own care.

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Thank you, yes she is staying in the hospital until she can secure a place in rehab, hopefully it will be soon where she can practice walking again. That’s for up to 6 weeks but then? If she hasn’t got a place at a care home after that where will she stay?

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Gleba · Yesterday 11:04

I think when there’s no background or abuse or similar, phoning your elderly mum when she’s in hospital is the least one can do. So YANBU OP.

in your shoes I’d start the ball rolling with the care home route, it seems the best option given the circumstances. Hope it all goes well.

Original poster

YourNattyGreyViewer · Yesterday 11:02

ArtieChoke · Yesterday 10:53

Id go every three days to visit, the two siblings can visit on the other days

id text them and say it might be "depressing" but we all have a responsibility to visit so pop your head in the ward and visit every 3 days as there are three of us. Let me know which day you'll be going

Then visit every 3 days

Good idea, although if they can’t get there easily a phone call or text from the brothers would be lovely for her. I think you’re right, every 3 days is good. By going more often though especially in the beginning I’ve found out a lot about what happened to her and where her treatment is going so it’s been useful.

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Lomonald · Yesterday 10:59

YourNattyGreyViewer · Yesterday 10:09

thanks. Yes you’re right, a care home but it may well wipe out her life savings and she will hate that, but that’s how it has to be sometimes I guess. OH and I haven’t been away even for a weekend or one night for well over a year now, as mum was getting gradually worse and we didn’t like to leave her. And getting in carers for a week seemed like more hassle than going away so we haven’t been anywhere.

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I would enquire about respite care maybe for a week or 2 , if your partner doesn't want people in the house because of their own mental health then I think respite is a good option, because you also matter, even if your mother needs to pay for her own care.

Original poster

YourNattyGreyViewer · Yesterday 10:57

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · Yesterday 10:55

They should definitely be visiting, 100%

In the absence of being able to force them, could you and your husband go separately so that one can get stuff done at home?

It’s my disability you see so I need him with me.

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YourNattyGreyViewer · Yesterday 10:56

frozendaisy · Yesterday 08:44

Yep

Your mum set the dynamics @YourNattyGreyViewer you can’t change them now unless you inform all parties

We will take it in turns I will visit once every 6 days day 2 and 4 are brother 1 and brother 2

You are them same, letting your brothers do nothing because it’s not seen, because you take up their slack.

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And you think that if I tell them what to do they’ll do it? Don’t think so.

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GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · Yesterday 10:55

They should definitely be visiting, 100%

In the absence of being able to force them, could you and your husband go separately so that one can get stuff done at home?

ArtieChoke · Yesterday 10:53

Id go every three days to visit, the two siblings can visit on the other days

id text them and say it might be "depressing" but we all have a responsibility to visit so pop your head in the ward and visit every 3 days as there are three of us. Let me know which day you'll be going

Then visit every 3 days

Original poster

YourNattyGreyViewer · Yesterday 10:52

PepsiBook · Yesterday 09:52

I think it really depends on what type of mother she has been to them. Some parents do not care whatsoever about their kids, so why should the kids then care about them back?
If she's been a wonderful mum, that's very different.

She has been caring and loyal to us all and very fair, is it too much to ask for a quick phone call?

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YourNattyGreyViewer · Yesterday 10:50

YourNattyGreyViewer · Yesterday 10:49

Ive asked the hospital for her to go to rehab, but there’s a waiting list, meanwhile the physios have got her standing and sitting in a chair at least, so she will be in hospital til they find a space or they think she’s medically fit to leave. They’ve asked me if I have POA health in place, I almost do and I have the financial one too, the rehab is paid for by nhs for up to 6 weeks, then once in rehab I can ask about CHC in case she goes in a home, (I’ve done all my research!). I doubt whether she will get the CHC funding though, but no harm in asking. So it’s just a waiting game at the moment. The physios told me after rehab it will be decided after an OT assessment at my home if she can come home with carers or come home without carers even though I’m disabled, (!), and I said, or even a care home? To be honest I don’t think my home is suitable for all the equipment needed.

And yes my brothers are useless that’s true but I’m sure they love her, just don’t want to get involved.

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YourNattyGreyViewer · Yesterday 10:49

Ive asked the hospital for her to go to rehab, but there’s a waiting list, meanwhile the physios have got her standing and sitting in a chair at least, so she will be in hospital til they find a space or they think she’s medically fit to leave. They’ve asked me if I have POA health in place, I almost do and I have the financial one too, the rehab is paid for by nhs for up to 6 weeks, then once in rehab I can ask about CHC in case she goes in a home, (I’ve done all my research!). I doubt whether she will get the CHC funding though, but no harm in asking. So it’s just a waiting game at the moment. The physios told me after rehab it will be decided after an OT assessment at my home if she can come home with carers or come home without carers even though I’m disabled, (!), and I said, or even a care home? To be honest I don’t think my home is suitable for all the equipment needed.

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Credittocress · Yesterday 10:44

YellowBucket · Yesterday 10:37

Whilst it may help you for them to visit her, YABU to expect them to do it.
I’m not particularly fond of saying this but I know that my DH wouldn’t willingly cross the road to visit his mother, let alone the town. Our DC feel the same way too.

His sister may not understand it but the reality is that her beloved Mum was a very different Mum to DH. Perhaps your brothers feel the same way?

Given your heath issues, can you make arrangements to video call her occasionally instead? Cutting out even one trip a week could help take the pressure off. She might even benefit from the rest.

This! My brother and sil would say my mum is marvellous- she’s been round to theirs three times this week playing the doting grandmother and cooking for the whole family. She drives past mine to get there and I and my kids haven’t seen her for three weeks. She’s never done any childcare or babysitting for me. Trust me, when the time comes I won’t be visiting.

Im pretty sure my mum will say she’s spent three days looking after grandkids this week; but as far as I’m concerned it only goes in one direction. My brothers marvellous mother certainly isn’t mine.