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Original poster

To think negative aspects of your own childhood influence your own parenting, like it or not?

35 replies

Fearlesssloth · 06/09/2026 07:58

I’m wondering what aspects of your parents’ parenting, positive and negative you see in your own parenting? Is there anything that was done to you that you vowed never to do and then found yourself doing? Have you found yourself becoming more and more like one or both of your parents? Do you use your childhood as a guide to your own parenting or do you use it as a big fat ‘what not to do’ list?

My childhood had both good and bad and my parents were partly good parents and partly fucked up and did a terrible job, depending on what was going on in their own lives. Good parts were: lots of love and affection, basic needs were always met. The bad parts were: violent smacking as a v. young child by my mum, my parents’ marriage was a joke & both had multiple affairs, my mum temporarily abandoned me for a new man, my dad could be borderline emotionally abusive, aggressive and manipulative. I got the blame for everything. He was completely unable to offer emotional support or even talk about anything emotional. However, he could also be incredibly loving and kind. His parenting depended heavily on whether he was happy or unhappy.

I’ve vowed to never smack my kids and never have. I find it so annoying when boomer generation parents (mine included) say stuff like “it was done to us, so we didn’t know any different”. I know the culture around it was different to now and it was still ‘normal’ in the 80s/90s, but don’t these parents remember how horrible it was being hit as a kid? I do and I’d never lay a finger on my kids as a result, and I’m pretty confident I wouldn’t have if I was an 80s parent either. I just couldn’t do it. Some aspects of my parents’ behaviour has left scars that I notice myself trying to “make up for” in my own parenting. Eg. Never having any emotional support & not being able to talk about difficult/embarrassing things openly: I am SO open with my kids, constantly talking about periods and wet dreams and when they’ll get they’re first pube 🤣. I’d also never put a partner before my kids. I’m a single mum and currently not interested in dating but if I did get into a relationship down the line, I’d be willing to end it if my kids didn’t like the person. I’d never move them into our home unless it’s 100% what my kids wanted. It still gives me the rage the way my mum ditched me and my siblings as soon as a new man came on the scene. Anyway, sorry this has turned into a bit of a ramble. Would love to hear opinions

OP posts:
Wish44 · 06/09/2026 09:04

I try and replicate the good bits of how I was parented and keep out the bad bits.

one of the good things I was taught was how to be logical and plan then carry out a plan. So I used that to plan and carry out a plan of how not to be a cold emotional immature selfish parent!

I think it will be interesting to hear from my children when they are adults the bits I got right and the bits I got wrong. Already they roll their eyes at me and tell me to bog off when I try and sit them down to have a talk about their feelings. I think I may have gone too far the other way from my upbringing. Trying to peddle back on the feelings conversations !

i think my mum is jealous of my relationship with my children and really she would have liked to have mothered differently- but was a slave to my father and misogyny.

NiceCupOfChai · 06/09/2026 09:01

Of course our upbringing influences the way we parent our children, be that an absolute resolve to do things very differently or a desire to emulate parents we admire. I suspect most people have a bit of
both.

LivelyRedFawn · 06/09/2026 09:01

I found doing the Circle of Security parenting program, specifically the Shark Music exercise really helpful. It helps you to realise your own triggers and get to them in time before you repeat the cycle.

Didimum · 06/09/2026 08:58

True for me. My dad was a shouty, stressed alcoholic. I am rarely shouty and not an alcoholic but I don’t deal with stress well (but better than he did admittedly). I can definitely feel it was modelled for me and became foundational in my response/regulation. I suppose I am pleased I have awareness of it and actively try to do better.

ChalkOutlines · 06/09/2026 08:55

I parent the complete opposite to my mother. She disagrees with most of my choices , but at the same time very jealous of the relationship I have with DD. I still remember the time she was 4, and I got really cross over something rather stupid. I was horrified to hear my mother coming out of my mouth, so it became an even more active choice to do things differently. I still slip at times (rarely) , because I am human and I had to unlearn A LOT of bullshit and what basically amounts to abuse. The main thing is , I apologise and explain it’s not about her or even her behaviour, but my own issues that I’m obviously not handling very well in this moment. It became more natural as years went on.

PinkWaffleMaker · 06/09/2026 08:53

It definitely has an impact.

I was hit as a child and I’ve found it so hard not to do it with my own children. There is very much a part of my brain that defaults to they aren’t listening or they haven’t done as they were told, hit them and they won’t do it again.

I don’t hit them but it very much comes from my own childhood and how I was taught to conform. Before I had them I didn’t know I’d have to put so much effort into not hitting my children.

Pearl69 · 06/09/2026 08:45

I parent the exact opposite to my own parents. I made a vow I would never be like them and I have 3 well adjusted successful grown up DCs.

Whereas myself and my brother carry a lot of baggage from our childhood. Some of it was 70s parenting but the rest was what we d consider today as emotional abuse and unmet need.

LaurieFairyCake · 06/09/2026 08:43

Yes, purposefully and deliberately have had to overcome my childhood. I grew up in a violent and volatile household, when I was raising small children my hands literally itched to slap them/scream at them.

knew it was wrong, forced myself to over ride my programming and walk away.

whippersnapper55 · 06/09/2026 08:37

My parents were loving but we were also smacked by our mum, randomly according to her moods! I think that was the difficulty really, she was quite unpredictable so what would make her laugh one day would result in a wallop the next! So you did walk on eggshells a bit. I did smack mine a few times (nothing like the wallops we used to get) but I felt so awful that I soon stopped. I've found it easy to discipline without smacking and actually talking with your kids calmly is much more effective than yelling.

The other thing I've done differently is being much more involved in their education. Neither of my parents went to University and they didn't really show much interest in our schoolwork apart from a general 'have you done your homework'? They never checked and I was very disengaged st school, left at 15 with a few O levels. With my own kids, I knew what they were studying, helped with homework, helped them revise for tests and exams and encouraged them.

Gardenflowering · 06/09/2026 08:13

Purposefully and deliberately I am NOTHING whatsoever like my parents as a mother.

Had any crumb of them leached into my parenting, I would be devastated, devastated.

My kids have never known an inch of the crapness I grew up with.

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