To think negative aspects of your own childhood influence your own parenting, like it or not?

People who have had a shitty childhood are likely to parent their own children the same way UNLESS they actively stop and reflect on what was done to them and make a conscious choice to break the cycle.

I think a huge amount of people who had awful upbringing do do this and so they parent opposite and in a much kinder and thoughtful way than their parents did to them.

people in denial about how they were parented eg ‘a smack never did me any harm’ are likely to inflict the same on their kids.

None of us had any control in how we were raised and many of us have been damaged by our parents but that doesn’t excuse continuing the cycle .

all of us have the responsibility and choice to make thing different for the next generation,

Indeed. I have emulated the kindness and caring of my mother and left out the teasing of my father.

This is such an interesting topic! I am fortunate in that my parents were very good. They both had difficult childhoods with 3 out of 4 of my grandparents being in Nazi concentration camps and Japanese POW camps. I think as a result of this a lot has been passed down the parenting line. I find it very difficult to process emotions and was always taught just to deal with it and move on as fast as you can.

I find it really hard to break this cycle and it's something I worry about a lot. I try so hard to be kind and patient with my kids when they are upset but I get to a point that if it goes on for too long I just can't cope myself. My DD has always been very loud with her emotions and finds it hard to calm down. I would welcome some advice as to how others have managed to handle this. I very much want to break the cycle but was never taught how to cope with big emotions so I've always pushed them down.

Yep I tried to put that nailbite stuff on one of mine and she was sick!!

This was me. We weren't dirt poor (privileged in some ways!) but always had dirty, smelly, unbranded 'market stall' clothing. Mum always had 20 Benson and Hedges a day and a bottle of whisky a week though!
Consequently I definitely bought mine the branded coat/trainers/bag etc, especially for school. I am definitely 'poorer' than my parents were but I prioritised things that helped my children fit in with their peers and ensured they bathed/showered daily (I was shouted at for wanting more that one bath pw as a teenager in the 90s!).
My childhood undoubtedly affected my parenting, I do wonder if my kids will only bathe their kids once a week due to the cruelty of the enforced cleanliness they endured 🤣

I wonder if it’s also to do with feminism. Men used to control the family and the money and they were not that interested in the needs of the children . Now women have more say and control money. They want to spend money on their kids and give them their attention. Previous generations of women couldn’t do that.

I just make sure I’m the exact opposite type of mother that my own mother was.

My parents didn’t discuss emotions at all. No conflict. No conflict resolution. Stop crying, go to your room etc.
Being told you’re a brat. Never talking about how you feel and how it’s causing your behaviour etc.

I think a lot of parents now probably experienced the same as kids, and as adults are trying hard to fix themselves as well as ensure their children have better emotional awareness than we/they did.

On the flip side my DH says his parents argued loudly all the time and it’s made him very conflict avoidant. So we are trying to find a middle ground where we can calmly disagree about something in front of our children and communicate carefully to come to a conclusion/compromise etc. We want to model better behaviour.

I’m sure we are all doing our best and no one has got it perfectly right, we all mess our kids up in one way or another somehow! But I used to have massive tantrums as a kid and be in my room alone for hours, but when DD has a strop about something we talk it through and the argument is resolved much faster.

As a result I think many parents my age (millennial) also find that their parents are now difficult to deal with as grandparents, as they don’t agree with our parenting decisions etc. and if we do something differently they perceive it as a criticism on their parenting.
I also find it very hard to talk to DM and DMIL about any problems we have as a family as they don’t want to listen, they don’t ask how we are doing, can’t discuss sadness or worry, they just want to brush it under the carpet and pretend everything is ok.
I really hope that having experienced this as a parent to 3 kids I will do better to be more helpful and interested in their lives when they’re adults.

My mother set out to be the opposite of her mother. So she ended up cold, unengaged, but not violent or controlling.
I try to be a decent, involved and interested parent.

We weren’t poor , but me or my needs/interests weren’t a priority . I’m not just talking toys, clothes or days out, but actually basic stuff like never seeing a dentist until I was an adult and went myself, or first seeing an ophthalmologist at 14 and getting a proper pair of glasses despite struggling to see since 10.

Sadly I do equate buying things with love and being interested and engaged to a certain extent. So yeah, DD has/gets a lot of things and experiences . It makes me happy.

Yes I have reacted this way too- because I always felt like the worst dressed, I now indulge my children in relation to clothes and shoes. And getting the right branded coat. I don’t want them to feel different or like I did as a child. I know other friends who have reacted in the same way, almost like an over compensation.

Both of my parents had really cruel streak. That is something I make sure to avoid and never emulate even though I experienced it. I’m honest but at the same time I try to consider the children in front of me as the actual people they are too.

We were dirt poor when I was a kid. We didn't have hot water or heating for a year because we couldn't afford to fix the boiler. We went nowhere. We didn't have a single branded thing ever. Everything we had and did was the cheapest possible option.

As a result, I spoil mine a bit. I love taking them out to nice places and on holiday. If there is a must have item or brand, I'll generally buy it. I'm taking DD to see Olivia Rodrigo next year. We go to a few Premier league football matches each year. This would have been beyond our wildest dreams for my siblings and I. Some of you will think this is materialistic nonsense, but it makes me really happy to give them what I couldn't have. They're great kids and not brats. They don't realise how privileged they are though.

*sorry I read it as childhood rather than parenting. I know being poor isn't parenting.

I deliberately chose not to have children on the basis of my parents being so horrible and useless. I was devastated by how they treated me as a child and I couldn’t fathom treating a child in such a way.

My mother informed me how horrid her mother was and how she never wanted to be like her, and yet she was and couldn’t see it. This alone is enough for me not to risk it

I think many (but not all) of the older generation took a quite selfish approach to parenting. Their emotional needs often came first.

I can sum this up by my DM saying some time ago that she only ever saw her divorce as happening to her, not us.

But it wasn’t all parents then (my MIL was a wonderful mother) and it isn’t that all parents are wonderful now. It’s just that broadly we expect to emotionally give more to our children

I had average parents - mostly good with some bad. I've worked through the bad stuff and try not to do it to my own kids but it definitely leaks out when I'm particularly stressed or tired or ill. My parents were brilliant in some ways and I've tried to do that stuff too, although some of it I'm not able to do as well.

I hope when my kids grow up they can see that I did my best, even though I've definitely not been perfect.

My parents were like this. The same as if you fell over and scraped your knee they’d act like you did it on purpose to ruin everyone’s day and would have the hump with you the rest of the day. I felt like I was walking on eggshells my entire childhood because of these issues.

It’s slightly terrifying how endemic poor parenting was in the 70s/80s. I wonder why? Post war trauma passed on? Ignorance?

My own parents were a classic combination of emotionally crippled, unpredictable father and apologist mother. We were scared of my dad and my mum pacified him. Even now the dynamic remains and I wonder why on earth they are together - what does she get from being controlled, bullied, humiliated?

I made it very clear when I had children that if my dad ever did anything that was inappropriate to my kids they would never see them again. He managed to hold it go together as a result - which shows that he can behave if he wants to, he just has never been held to account before.

I never brought friends home as a child because my dad was volatile and often rude to guests so I just didn’t bother. I escaped to my friends’ houses and found comfort in other people’s families. As a consequence, we are now an actively open house - anyone welcome always - as a counter to my childhood. It is so lovely, a conveyor belt of young people sitting in our kitchen. It makes me realise how sad my own upbringing was, but also what my parents missed out on themselves.

I agree that we’re influenced but not in the same way. My parents were abusive, and we were taken into care. I’ve tried so hard to parent differently that the pendulum has swung in completely the opposite direction and that hasn’t always resulted in great parenting either. For example, because my parents were disinterested I’ve taken too much interest in my DCs which can be overbearing and I have to make a conscious effort to step back. They’ve been indulged, where I was neglected (though probably no more than many DCs these days). I can’t see any parallels between my parents’ parenting and my own.

Yes, definitely. I don't always get it right and even with my oldest being 18 I still struggle with how involved to be. I know it's supposed to be more than my parents, but I don't know how much more as I'm also wary of going too far the opposite direction.

My parents were crap with money meaning there wasn't food all month long and having no dinner at the end of the month is something I have never had happen in my house. I enjoyed being aware of current affairs as a child and I try to do the same for my children.

I have great parents but negative things happened to me, i left the bad in my childhood and as a parent just try and repeat the good snd change the bad from my memoriee and learn as I go

I am not a prefect parent no one is but I try and do my best

Whenever I got upset as a child my parents acted like I was doing on purpose to ruin everyone’s day, got angry and shouted at me. It got to the point where I would never talk to them about my problems, and would hide in my room to cry so that I wouldn’t get into trouble. I swore I would never shame my children for having emotions. If my son is upset he immediately comes to find me because he knows I’ll help him to feel better.

In my case it took place a generation before me. My grandma was not a good mother and my mum broke the cycle and worked hard to be a much better mum to me.