AIBU to feel upset after my meeting with my manager?

Totally agree with this. You don’t owe them any favours so put yourself first. Get signed off with stress and use the time to really think about what you want to do. That might be developing the Pilates or getting a part time job in Tesco. Don’t answer any calls from work and just relax. Once you have a plan then you can resign.
And when you contact them to say you are going off sick just ring and be very basic. I am not coming in this week as I’m suffering with stress. That is it. Good luck!

Leave

It's a min wage job you claim you don't need the money from. You're desperately unhappy and feel overworked and underappreciated. In fact they are actively saying you've a poor attitude.

To do anything other than simply quit would be a continued waste of your energy.

I have never been told with such vitriol that I have a bad attitude and just the phrase "my behaviour" totally shocked me. It was like being told that I am a naughty schoolgirl and my behaviour is not where it should be and I cannot go on the school trip.

Oh, the irony!! Being told that your attitude is off-putting, and being told like that. Being managed by vitriol and bad attitude!

Did they not notice their own attitude? You've been non-managed by an incompetent person, who is threatened by you.

I'd be fascinated by the sex of the manager ... but then an insecure 29 yo man is probably much the same as an insecure 29 yo woman.

You acknowledge your behaviour has gone from positive to negative, you're not enjoying your job due to the workload, and you don't hold back when given an opportunity to express this. It sounds like you're not really in disagreement about this.

You and your boss also both agree that your work standard is excellent.

The issue is you're internalising this and assuming responsibility for all of it. You are not an awful person. You are a lovely person who has tried to do their best, been extremely poorly managed, and whose outward behaviour at work has deteriorated as a result.

Behaviour is completely different from character.

You can acknowledge your part in how the work relationship has come to this - e.g. not setting boundaries, but so far they don't seem to be acknowledging their part at all. To give you this feedback informally, following a formal appraisal during which none of it was said, is just awful management. If your manager is afraid of you and unable to communicate, they shouldn't be in their job. That is all 100% on them, not you.

I would send a brief email stating that you found it unacceptable to be downgraded without a reason being given in your appraisal, and to be given very negative feedback immediately following your appraisal by a manager you have never worked with, and that you find the company management to be poor. Put in your notice.

I would then say very little, as it sounds like they would be unlikely to understand anyway and you'd be wasting your email/breath. I would go high and detached and work out your notice period doing only your contracted hours and your contracted job description. But please do not leave thinking you could have done better or that you are an awful person.

Being honest I think you have a clear case for stress sickness absence. You can hand in your notice today. Call in sick on Monday. Self cert for a week and on Friday go to the doctor's telling them what you said here about burnout, taking on too much and not sleeping (I wouldn't mention the appraisal as that sounds knee jerk. I think you've been a boiled frog for a while and that just tipped you over into realising nothing you do is good enough).

Get signed off for the 3 weeks of your notice period and use it to increase your pilates hours and apply for other roles.

They will soon realise what they've lost when the willing horse who's always flogged has enough.

Your reference is X for Y anyway so it doesn't matter. Plus you could get a reference from the person who books you for pilates classes.

The feedback appears to be delivered in an unprofessional manner, which suggests the managers need training. Language like "thorn in my side" isn't helpful to you.

However experience says a toxic workplace doesn't get better unless there are significant changes at the top and a willingness to change the culture.

What are your retirement plans?

Sorry to hear this @derFutterneid - I can say with certainty they are trying to manage you out unfortunately, my former employer did exactly the same gaslighting tactics re impossible workloads with short deadlines and alleged "issues" that had been raised, yet failed to give an example when I asked them so that I could improve. In my case, it didn't get any better and I eventually resigned with no job to go to.

I'd start looking, speak to a union for advice if you are in one, go off sick if it gets really bad. But ultimately, if you can afford to, don't put up with this crap. Its nearly a year since my former employer did this and I'm still getting over it, although things are continuing to get better.

Apparently they have observed this about me for a while, and my manager should have addressed it with me, but they did not. Even though I spent an hour and a half in my appraisal. Apparently they are too scared of me. I am in my 50's and they are in their late 20's.

There's your clue.

It's not you, it's them.

And I"m wondering, given the way some young people in their 20s have come up through a system where those of us who yeach them are not supposed to question them (confronting), put them on the spot (confronting), and that their mental health is supposed to be paramount - I wonder if this is the future of work places? That it's more important to say "Hello" in a happy way than get on with a work overload; that your manner is worse than their incompetence. And so on.

If so god help us.

Your plan to up your hours on your other job is a good one, and then leave. As you say, it's a toxic workplace, and it's through bad & incompetent management.

But go on extended sick leave first. Let them miss you.

I’m glad you’ve decided to resign. Don’t try to get them to see what they’ve done or how you’re not the person they’re describing. Maybe you are behaving as they describe. If you are, it’s likely because it’s an unpleasant environment and you’re best off out of it anyway.

Just resign, put your head down and move on. End of story. There’s absolutely no point in trying to get closure and it’s stress you out more to try.

Why should people just be expected to leave because they have a poor manager? Surely the responsibility should be on the organisation to address poor management, rather than forcing good employees out.
I remember taking on a huge amount of work restructuring the pay bands, only to be the only person in the company who didn’t receive a pay rise! Even someone who had a warning on their record got one. That was the beginning of a year of bullying from my boss, which eventually led to me taking them to an employment tribunal.

You are being managed out clearly in what can only be described as an utterly toxic workplace.

Think about how you want to approach from your side but for your mental health and general overall wellbeing you do need to get out so in that regard at least you and them are on the same page.

You can wait for redundancy which is unlikely to come because of your length of service, you can go sick (I’d strongly consider this one with no reference to concern yourself with and the fact it is pretty true due to the enormous stress they put you under) or you can quit at a time of your choosing that works for you and continue working in the meantime.

They are probably clueless about the extent of the work you carry for them in practice but they will get a few others in to replace you with no penalty to them personally and the shit culture will just continue.

Wait until you actual boss comes back and appeal your down grading.
I think they graded you incorrectly.

Then stay in your job and do a little less work and more enjoyable connecting.

If you are on minimum wage and you find yourself managing the whole department in the absence of the manager, you are being exploited. Leave.

I also fully agree with everything previous posters have said about how badly they have handled your review. Feedback should never be a surprise in a review and the rating should have been given directly not afterwards. The “downgrade” may be because of an organisational moderation process of reviews but even then it should have been properly discussed with you and the fact it wasn’t shows how poorly your manager handled it. Some of what they’ve said is so unprofessional eg about people being scared of you?? It’s the manager’s job to have made the feedback happen!

As I read I thought you were in a senior professional role given the huge emphasis on behavioural feedback and the extent of management involvement and I also like others thought “she’s got her card marked, too much of a threat to senior management and seen as someone getting in the way of their structuring plans” but when you said it was a minimum wage job? This is FAR too much management focus for that! Leave and find something else! Don’t give them any more of your time. But are you by any chance someone who would qualify for a large redundancy payment because of your tenure if they went through a process? Worth thinking about whether they are looking to get you to resign to avoid that (and whether there’s a constructive dismissal). To look at it from the other viewpoint for half a second it may be that new leadership have decided they want to be more “robust” on performance and are going at it in a bad way given there’s no clarity of feedback at all, but even so, this job is simply not worth that.

@derFutterneid my immediate reaction to this is constructive dismissal.
The way this has been (mis)managed is a disgrace.
If you decide to leave I would seriously look into this, put a shot across their bows at the very least.
Are you in a union?

Yes I agree with this. I’d ask your GP for help managing with the menopause.

I think I'd just leave, before it moves from being stressful into actually suffering from stress and then not being able to work at all.

You say you're not disputing being marked down, I would dispute this, given they have never raised it with you during the course of the year and can't give any specific examples. An appraisal should be a formalisation of the years discussions, not a place to bring up areas you need to improve for the first time. Also any learning points should be specific and measurable not just 'appear happier'.

Are there any other colleagues that you trust that you could ask for feedback from?

Lastly I would have a meeting with your manager, and maybe one of the other managers who isn't 'scared of you'(the one who gave you a heads up?). In this I'd formally dispute the appraisal results given they've (presumably) not followed procedure described int he second paragraph. I'd also be telling them the work is making me stressed and ask what they proposed to address this given they want me to appear less stressed.

I'd probably then get aigned off with stress, so you can look for another job while still being employed.

Honestly what you've said sounds like a constructive dismissal case, I know people who have got pay outs for less

If it was me Op (I'm spiteful), I would go in work, go to HR and ask to put in a formal complaint about your manager. They did not do a proper review, did not tell you, you were being downgraded (the most important fact that should have come from the review), did not give you examples of your supposed bad attitude and most importantly, did not give you a right of reply. I would say this has caused you a great deal of stress. I would also say that you feel menopausal / post menopausal women are not sufficiently supported and you want to raise a complaint about this as well. Then go on the sick for as long as possible then leave. Never set foot in there again.

I would definitely leave in your position. Do it first thing tomorrow. Go off sick for your leave period. Fuck them

I would be tempted to discuss again. Relaying that you are not a robot and have x.y,z tasks that others refuse to do, your work load has increased due to cut backs and you are still being paid minimum wage. You are also expected to work 7 days in a row occasionally. You are allowed to stick up for yourself. And i also agree with others that getting a new role elsewhere is a good idea!

May be they want to move to all contractors?

You know who you are. You know your worth. Sounds like they have zero understanding of how to create a positive work environment - “tell us how we can improve. No, really, we want your opinions.” To “How dare you give us your opinions!!” I wonder if you’d have had the same feedback if you were male?

Either way, I think you (and your shitty husband) need to put your health and wellbeing closer to the top of the list of priorities- you only get one life.

They have decided to manage you out of the organisation. The next step will be a PIP. Get out before they issue one.

If it’s an alright job minus the stress and management, go cold. Do the minimum, take them for as much money as possible, you get paid the same whether you are stressed or not.

Start to look for another job in the mean time.