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Original poster

AIBU to feel upset after my meeting with my manager?

386 replies

derFutterneid · 06/09/2026 07:38

I have been working somewhere for nearly 10 years, after being a SAHM. I loved my job, but the company has gone through many restructures and it has changed completely.

Over the past 2 years we have had many redundancies and people not replaced. As a result my workload has massively increased. On top of this many of my colleagues have sought out doctors notes, and other things to exempt them from certain tasks. I have been given this extra work too. This has caused me a lot of stress. It also affects others and a few of my work colleagues are now on antidepressants or have left. Our staff turnover is horrendous. People are leaving with no job to go to. Everyone is unhappy and it is a toxic environment.

Anyway, I had my appraisal and it went OK, but afterwards I realised I had been downgraded. I asked some of my colleagues, not directly, but they confirmed they received higher. I was really upset about this, as I'd say I was one of a few people who do the lions share. I even manage the department when there is no manager. Since my boss is on holiday I asked the next level up (it is usual to escalate to this person) about my appraisal.

What then followed has really shocked me. I was told that it had been agreed amongst them to downgrade me as whilst my work was excellent and appreciated, I had a bad attitude and my behaviours are not aligning with what they list as what we should be demonstrating. Apparently people say hello to me, and I have my head down and barely acknowledge them or I am in a mood and people tread on eggshells around me. I am a thorn in the managers side, and I bring problems to the manager but not solutions. I am abrupt. I was totally shocked by this because in the 30 years that I have been working, and the many appraisals I have had, I have never had this feedback. In fact I have constantly been told I am very popular and respected and a go to person if someone needs help. I have never worked with this manager. It felt like a character assassination.

Some points;

I asked for some specific examples, but they could not name one.

I have never had a complaint made about me by a customer, or by a colleague in 10 years.

Apparently I am too outspoken, but they specifically asked me to join a group of staff to talk about branch issues. I asked to step down from this and was asked to stay as my opinions are valued. After one meeting the head of the company told my manager that they were really impressed with how I professionally handled myself. Seeing me upset, a friendly manager told me that I had pissed off one of the managers by questioning something, and that the company ask for my opinion, but don't always like the answers.

In this company, I have had at least 18 appraisals and mid years, and not once have I ever had feedback on my attitude. There is no history of this whatsoever.

Now, I am not disputing my attitude and behaviours. However I asked them to put it into context. I am covering a very large portion of the workload. I have asked to reduce my hours, and change my days (there is one week a month where I work 7 out of 8 days in a row). I come home stressed out and crying. I have raised concerns numerous times about my workload and improving my work life balance. These have all been rejected as we are short staffed and it doesn't suit the business. I asked to move department and they have said no. So, with that in mind, yes I look stressed, I look unhappy, I may not be skipping along saying hello to everyone. However, no one has complained about me, neither staff member or client.

Apparently they have observed this about me for a while, and my manager should have addressed it with me, but they did not. Even though I spent an hour and a half in my appraisal. Apparently they are too scared of me. I am in my 50's and they are in their late 20's.

FYI this is a minimum wage job. I do have another PT job which I can increase the hours. I don't really need the money, but I saved and invested all that I earned and felt I was contributing to my household and our future.

This manager suggested that I get my manager and a couple of other managers who also work along side me in a room and they tell me bluntly about my attitude and behaviours, I can then go away, reflect on it, and come back acting differently. I don't really like the sound of this!!!

My DH is not being very supportive about me leaving. He says I shouldn't till I get another job, but I just don't see how I can stay if this is what they think of me. My adult DC say that I am going to end up having a heart attack or stroke and it is not worth it.

AIBU to be upset, or is this kind of feedback normal?

What would you advise me?

What's stopping me leaving;

The money was invested and it feels good.
I like to be busy, and have structure to my week.
I'm in my 50's, it'll be hard to get another job. However, I do have another job that I enjoy and I can develop (I am a pilates instructor)

OP posts:
RunningForCalm · 07/09/2026 11:23

Leave immediately

Ethelspagetti · 07/09/2026 11:13

I hope you’re doing okay and they’re not giving you any more stress. They’re expecting a bit too much from someone in a minimum wage job aren’t they?! Glad you told them that! I hope you find a better job with good vibes.

H00vervlawnmower · 07/09/2026 10:48

Ref above

Or they pay you extra to do these extra parts of your job

H00vervlawnmower · 07/09/2026 10:47

One option eould be to give back all tbe exra work that you do.
Train someone else to do the extra work

Tell them that as you are not appreciated, you will not cover your boss when the boss is not there

Notquitethetruth · 07/09/2026 10:42

Well done @derFutterneid . Brilliantly managed by you. Did your manager explain why the issues had not been raised in appraisal? Poor management on their part.
Great attitude from you going forward.
Good luck.

Greenscreennightmare · 07/09/2026 10:37

You're obviously a conscientious worker, going the extra mile regularly and priding yourself on never taking sick leave. Unfortunately in today's market you are seen as a dinosaur and people will find your efficiency intimidating. Ridiculous I know but that's how it is. (I'm older than you and have experienced all of this myself).

Honestly, you have 2 options. Go in, smile smile smile, do the absolute minimum, agree with whatever management say. Prepare for leaving on your own terms before they succeed in managing you out - which they are intent on doing.

Or go against your instincts and get signed off for stress, prepare for your other job. I know you've said you're going to do the first option but really you owe them NOTHING. You're on the path to a breakdown. Drop the rope and breathe. It's past time to look after yourself.

Beachtastic · 07/09/2026 10:14

I'll do my job, and be pleasant but that's it

Why? Why not tell them to shove it up their arse, OP? What would it actually take for you to do that?

ByDreamyMember · 07/09/2026 10:01

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 06/09/2026 07:40

Leave. Your health is more important. It sounds like a very toxic place.

100%.
Please consider leaving as soon as possible.
It sounds like you know you will have to, deep down. You've got this!

Ifyounevergiveup · 07/09/2026 09:55

I agree with @Puzzledandpissedoff . Watch your back. I think it’s admirable that you’re going back (although I advised against and stand by it!) but be aware you’re now in a game of chess until you leave. Big hugs.

edited to say: keep notes of all conversations. I was chucked out of my first NMW job in my probation period and the evidence was conversations which were literally made up by the other two women in the office (same issue as you, unqualified manager, me with 15 years’ Board experience). Sadly these people are too lacking in experience to believe that anyone would actually WANT their NMW job, so they see you as a threat. FWIW I went back into my previous field and have had my happy little NMW job for five years now. You’ll find the right one in the end. Btw it took me a year to get over the sting of being lied about, even though I knew exactly what had happened and why. Brains are weird!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/09/2026 09:31

derFutterneid · 07/09/2026 08:31

Also, surely if you are a manager, and your department is losing revenue, it’s your job to find out why and if you don’t know why, you shouldn’t be doing that job? Then if your subordinate raises their head above the line and says “I know why” don’t shoot the messenger.

Show quote history

As PPs have said, someone with much more experience offering these kinds of solutions can feel like a challenge to freshly minted "managers" who should have found them themselves. As with your appraisal they simply don't have the skills to do things properly yet, but rather than acknowledge this they'll seek someone else to blame

Glad you handled it so well yesterday, but hope (and expect) the job hunting will go well. They won't appreciate being challenged and are probably already making excitable and ill informed plans about getting you out on capability

EvieBB · 07/09/2026 09:16

derFutterneid · 07/09/2026 08:31

Also, surely if you are a manager, and your department is losing revenue, it’s your job to find out why and if you don’t know why, you shouldn’t be doing that job? Then if your subordinate raises their head above the line and says “I know why” don’t shoot the messenger.

Show quote history

Absolutely!

Askandyforcompo · 07/09/2026 09:02

lazyarse123 · 07/09/2026 08:19

I'm glad you seem to have found your anger and not feeling upset. You were spot on to basically tell them it's not your job to sort out their issues. "Solutions not problems" comes with an increase in pay and responsibility.
Good luck finding a new job.

God, they are arseholes.

I had exactly the same when I asked for examples of my 'behaviour'. Twisted truths. It's shocking really.

I was fired but how glad I am now! I see and speak to ex colleagues a lot and 7 years later the same stuff is still happening, the same bullies are still operating in the same way, men are still revered and excused and women picked apart.

SpringSparrow · 07/09/2026 08:51

I’m glad you didn’t hand in your notice. You will have more rights having been there a long time than you would starting again somewhere else and it is hard to find something else as a woman in your fifties.

Original poster
derFutterneid · 07/09/2026 08:47

Also, I didn’t see it, but a deleted thread alluded to why I’ve not progressed.

I’ve progressed lots in my life thanks. Worked overseas, had a good career, all mortgage paid off by 40, was a SAHM to DC, and then heading to my late 50’s I wanted a P/T low stress job that is usually NMW whilst I also followed my passions ( Pilates instructor).

Turns out that people on NMW do 4 peoples jobs and have loads of stress to boot.

OP posts:
Original poster
derFutterneid · 07/09/2026 08:44

lazyarse123 · 07/09/2026 08:36

Exactly. When I worked in retail and we had visits by higher ups they would keep me out of the way because I was never afraid of answering their questions truthfully instead of pretending it was all lovely. To be fair it was a good place to work with not many issues but if you don't want the truth don't ask me what I think.

Show quote history

This is exactly the issue. I’ve been naive.
Often in meetings I am the only person to speak.
A nice manager told me yesterday that they were like me, voiced opinions, got into trouble, so now they say nothing.

No wonder our productivity as a nation is up shit creak.

OP posts:
Easilyforgotten · 07/09/2026 08:42

Is it possible to do only do your own job if you are so short staffed? They have properly shot themselves in the foot if you can but I'm wondering if it is possible in practical terms to not provide the extra cover? It's a ridiculous situation in a minimum wage job to be expected to do what they are suggesting you should.

lazyarse123 · 07/09/2026 08:36

derFutterneid · 07/09/2026 08:31

Also, surely if you are a manager, and your department is losing revenue, it’s your job to find out why and if you don’t know why, you shouldn’t be doing that job? Then if your subordinate raises their head above the line and says “I know why” don’t shoot the messenger.

Show quote history

Exactly. When I worked in retail and we had visits by higher ups they would keep me out of the way because I was never afraid of answering their questions truthfully instead of pretending it was all lovely. To be fair it was a good place to work with not many issues but if you don't want the truth don't ask me what I think.

Chilly80 · 07/09/2026 08:33

What horrible people you work with.

Good luck on finding a new job.

Original poster
derFutterneid · 07/09/2026 08:31

lazyarse123 · 07/09/2026 08:19

I'm glad you seem to have found your anger and not feeling upset. You were spot on to basically tell them it's not your job to sort out their issues. "Solutions not problems" comes with an increase in pay and responsibility.
Good luck finding a new job.

Also, surely if you are a manager, and your department is losing revenue, it’s your job to find out why and if you don’t know why, you shouldn’t be doing that job? Then if your subordinate raises their head above the line and says “I know why” don’t shoot the messenger.

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 07/09/2026 08:19

I'm glad you seem to have found your anger and not feeling upset. You were spot on to basically tell them it's not your job to sort out their issues. "Solutions not problems" comes with an increase in pay and responsibility.
Good luck finding a new job.

Original poster
derFutterneid · 07/09/2026 06:35

OK, so I have taken on board their feedback to me, and I went into work, slowed down and did what I was doing thoroughly, smiled and was very pleasant and avoided any negativity with my colleagues.

My manager asked to speak to me as they had heard that I was upset about my appraisal. I asked for clarification and examples about my attitude and behaviour and there were 2 main ones;

The first is that over the past year I have had a few personal things going on. My remaining parent had an operation, then a close, young relative had a brain haemorrhage and died, then my parent had to have another operation. I had to deal with it all myself as I am the woman!!!! I had to shuffle round my holidays to do all this. This all lasted 6 months and was very stressful as it coincided with restructuring in my dept. studying for my Pilates course and home life. Then life returned to normal for a couple of months.

However, I woke up one morning and I had post menopausal bleeding. It lasted a few days and so I made a GP appointment online (Bupa) and I had the call early on a Sunday morning before work. I was told that I needed a "2 week urgent pathway" to see what it was all about, because it can be a sign of cancer. I then went to work and was presented with a situation where we were extremely short staffed and I was thrown in the deep end to cover. I was in such a state of despair that I was in tears. This is where the "colleagues walking on eggshells, what kind of a mood is she in today comes from". My manager knew all about these personal things I had to deal with, and I did not have one day off sick.

The second incident is that I was in a meeting with some people from head office. One of them made a very general comment about why an area was losing money. I then contributed that I worked in that area, and IMO the issue was very specific and it was XXXXX. My manager then got upset with me for not telling her this, and asked me to write a report on it. The "bringing problems and not solutions" is from this comment. I highlighted an issue, but didn't offer the solution to it. In the end I did, as I wrote the report but had to be asked to do it.
When told this yesterday I just turned around to my manager and said "sorry, this is a minimum wage job and I am just a XXXXX. I am not working in Accenture Consulting services. This is just absolutely ridiculous". Also, I have been highlighting this issue to my managers for 7 years and no one has ever done anything about it.

These are the reasons why I have been downgraded. So I told her I would be just coming to work from now on, doing my own work as clearly I am spread too thin and it is affecting my morale, and I'll be keeping my mouth firmly shut.

I didn't hand in my notice, and I am not going off sick. I am off next week and will be spending that and the next few weeks looking for a job and talking to my other job about upping my hours. I was very calm yesterday. I'll do my job, and be pleasant but that's it. I have also realised that there are obviously quite a few people who have been discussing me with the management above and not bringing any of this to me, so I no longer trust any of them.

OP posts:
Radioheads · 06/09/2026 19:09

Sometimes going the contesting root is not worth the stress and hassle.
Think about saving your energy.
Go out sick with stress immediately and drop them in it.
Focus your energy on a new job and your pilates business.

Mumofoneandone · 06/09/2026 18:39

Longer term, I would personally look at leaving but, if sick pay is reasonable, I would be signed off sick. This is to buy you some time to seek any legal advice about their behaviour - constructive dismissal etc and to look at alternative jobs etc.
It takes the pressure off to make a decision in such a toxic situation!

madaboutpurple · 06/09/2026 17:41

It is a good idea to go for constructive dismissal as many places would rather settle out of court rather than get any adverse publicity. Ages ago a lady went to an IT as Morrison's were changing her job considerably. She won and some Chief Exec said he may well put in a counter claim. I wrote to him and said if he did that I would ask 10people I know to boycott the shop and ask them to do the same. I forget the lady's name but she set up a company helping others going to an IT. The man didn't reply but left Morrison's rather quickly. I said to him he might think one pensioner cannot do that much but I told him my plan. I was rather amused it was in the press just a few weeks later that he was looking for .a new company . I meant to let the lady know but as it was Morrison's didn't contest it. I often wondered why. I use the same technique with those shops that fired staff for intervening with theft. It is surprisingly quickly that I get responses from Chief Execs who obviously get into panic mode when given the details of how quickly contacting 10 people will multiply. Ages ago the Guardian asked for people to contact Waitrose as they held an innocent man who was a carer for his Mum. This time it was near Christmas and I wrote to him and said I am a pensioner and have not done my shopping for food or presents and would be spending money I had saved. Lots of people apparently did the same and the man got an undisclosed 6 figure sum later. People pressuring firms does work. All the best OP and it would be lovely to hear how things went. The lady from Morrison's went on holiday as well as set up her company. Big businesses think they will win but often don't and I love being just a small part in it and love finding out they settled or did a deal out of court. I don't run a website as being anonymous often works.

WaitingForAutumm · 06/09/2026 17:27

These days in offices everyone is expected to be ‘pleasant’; it’s no longer enough to be good at your job / do more than your fair share etc. Anyone who isn’t ‘nice’ gets a minus point even if they are competent. If you are ND /introvert it’s hell. WFH is a blessing for this reason alone.

given your job is min hours, you should find a low-responsibility easy job that does not stress you out but makes you happy.

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