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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel upset after my meeting with my manager?

386 replies

derFutterneid · 06/09/2026 07:38

I have been working somewhere for nearly 10 years, after being a SAHM. I loved my job, but the company has gone through many restructures and it has changed completely.

Over the past 2 years we have had many redundancies and people not replaced. As a result my workload has massively increased. On top of this many of my colleagues have sought out doctors notes, and other things to exempt them from certain tasks. I have been given this extra work too. This has caused me a lot of stress. It also affects others and a few of my work colleagues are now on antidepressants or have left. Our staff turnover is horrendous. People are leaving with no job to go to. Everyone is unhappy and it is a toxic environment.

Anyway, I had my appraisal and it went OK, but afterwards I realised I had been downgraded. I asked some of my colleagues, not directly, but they confirmed they received higher. I was really upset about this, as I'd say I was one of a few people who do the lions share. I even manage the department when there is no manager. Since my boss is on holiday I asked the next level up (it is usual to escalate to this person) about my appraisal.

What then followed has really shocked me. I was told that it had been agreed amongst them to downgrade me as whilst my work was excellent and appreciated, I had a bad attitude and my behaviours are not aligning with what they list as what we should be demonstrating. Apparently people say hello to me, and I have my head down and barely acknowledge them or I am in a mood and people tread on eggshells around me. I am a thorn in the managers side, and I bring problems to the manager but not solutions. I am abrupt. I was totally shocked by this because in the 30 years that I have been working, and the many appraisals I have had, I have never had this feedback. In fact I have constantly been told I am very popular and respected and a go to person if someone needs help. I have never worked with this manager. It felt like a character assassination.

Some points;

I asked for some specific examples, but they could not name one.

I have never had a complaint made about me by a customer, or by a colleague in 10 years.

Apparently I am too outspoken, but they specifically asked me to join a group of staff to talk about branch issues. I asked to step down from this and was asked to stay as my opinions are valued. After one meeting the head of the company told my manager that they were really impressed with how I professionally handled myself. Seeing me upset, a friendly manager told me that I had pissed off one of the managers by questioning something, and that the company ask for my opinion, but don't always like the answers.

In this company, I have had at least 18 appraisals and mid years, and not once have I ever had feedback on my attitude. There is no history of this whatsoever.

Now, I am not disputing my attitude and behaviours. However I asked them to put it into context. I am covering a very large portion of the workload. I have asked to reduce my hours, and change my days (there is one week a month where I work 7 out of 8 days in a row). I come home stressed out and crying. I have raised concerns numerous times about my workload and improving my work life balance. These have all been rejected as we are short staffed and it doesn't suit the business. I asked to move department and they have said no. So, with that in mind, yes I look stressed, I look unhappy, I may not be skipping along saying hello to everyone. However, no one has complained about me, neither staff member or client.

Apparently they have observed this about me for a while, and my manager should have addressed it with me, but they did not. Even though I spent an hour and a half in my appraisal. Apparently they are too scared of me. I am in my 50's and they are in their late 20's.

FYI this is a minimum wage job. I do have another PT job which I can increase the hours. I don't really need the money, but I saved and invested all that I earned and felt I was contributing to my household and our future.

This manager suggested that I get my manager and a couple of other managers who also work along side me in a room and they tell me bluntly about my attitude and behaviours, I can then go away, reflect on it, and come back acting differently. I don't really like the sound of this!!!

My DH is not being very supportive about me leaving. He says I shouldn't till I get another job, but I just don't see how I can stay if this is what they think of me. My adult DC say that I am going to end up having a heart attack or stroke and it is not worth it.

AIBU to be upset, or is this kind of feedback normal?

What would you advise me?

What's stopping me leaving;

The money was invested and it feels good.
I like to be busy, and have structure to my week.
I'm in my 50's, it'll be hard to get another job. However, I do have another job that I enjoy and I can develop (I am a pilates instructor)

OP posts:
Original poster
derFutterneid · 09/09/2026 13:09

Ifyounevergiveup · 09/09/2026 12:55

Now this is a much better idea than writing a report. As for copying in the CEO, do you know them? Are they an arse as well? I ask only because behaviours such as those you have witnessed often trickle down from the top. If you have any doubts, my suggestion would be to contact the person you DO trust. If he “has the ear of the CEO” he’ll tell them anyway.

Show quote history

I agree. The behaviours have trickled down from the top management. I trust this guy though. His role is actually to represent the staff, but he’s not a union rep.

The company is in trouble. My DH is a high level manager and a good one, and he says that our company just constantly go after the low hanging fruit and don’t look at the bigger picture. It’s true. The company was losing money, so they drastically reduced the headcount and replaced it with temps. However they pay less than competitors so they didn’t get good temporary staff. Good staff got overworked and treated badly, so they left. Rinse and repeat.

I think I said a few days ago that in my character assassination meeting I was told that staff had to buck up their attitude as we were still losing money. That’s their solution. It was a stick instead of a carrot, now that stick has barbs on it and they want to whip twice as hard.

Oh, but smile…….

OP posts:
Ifyounevergiveup · 09/09/2026 12:55

derFutterneid · 09/09/2026 09:31

I know Mint. I don’t know if I CBA.

I’m not leaving quietly though.

In the incident I mentioned with the person from head office, afterwards he came to find me and we had a chat and he said my feedback was great and that he was going to insist I was in all the meetings when he was there. He has the ear of the CEO. I’m thinking of writing to him and telling him that that interaction has led me to feel that I have no other option but to leave. I think he’d be quite shocked.

Edited

Now this is a much better idea than writing a report. As for copying in the CEO, do you know them? Are they an arse as well? I ask only because behaviours such as those you have witnessed often trickle down from the top. If you have any doubts, my suggestion would be to contact the person you DO trust. If he “has the ear of the CEO” he’ll tell them anyway.

MustTryHarderAndHarder · 09/09/2026 11:21

derFutterneid · 09/09/2026 09:31

I know Mint. I don’t know if I CBA.

I’m not leaving quietly though.

In the incident I mentioned with the person from head office, afterwards he came to find me and we had a chat and he said my feedback was great and that he was going to insist I was in all the meetings when he was there. He has the ear of the CEO. I’m thinking of writing to him and telling him that that interaction has led me to feel that I have no other option but to leave. I think he’d be quite shocked.

Edited

Yes, he needs to know what is happening so that he can do something about it if he wants to. If he doesn't then he deserves what he gets.

Radioheads · 09/09/2026 10:58

derFutterneid · 09/09/2026 09:31

I know Mint. I don’t know if I CBA.

I’m not leaving quietly though.

In the incident I mentioned with the person from head office, afterwards he came to find me and we had a chat and he said my feedback was great and that he was going to insist I was in all the meetings when he was there. He has the ear of the CEO. I’m thinking of writing to him and telling him that that interaction has led me to feel that I have no other option but to leave. I think he’d be quite shocked.

Edited

Great idea.
Also spell out the bullying going on, which you have witnessed and reported to X.

How you have been advised externally that your treatment now, may be a direct result of what you have reported, and you are in effect a whistle blower.

Mention your profound disappointment at how you have been treated by management after your years of consistent effort on the company's behalf.

You can also choose to cc the CEO.
There is little as powerful as putting things down on paper, naming people and copying others in.

You completely take away their ability to deny knowledge of illegal behaviour like the bullying that is going on.

I have seen it used extremely effectively in several occasions.

crazyspanner · 09/09/2026 10:32

derFutterneid · 09/09/2026 09:31

I know Mint. I don’t know if I CBA.

I’m not leaving quietly though.

In the incident I mentioned with the person from head office, afterwards he came to find me and we had a chat and he said my feedback was great and that he was going to insist I was in all the meetings when he was there. He has the ear of the CEO. I’m thinking of writing to him and telling him that that interaction has led me to feel that I have no other option but to leave. I think he’d be quite shocked.

Edited

Go for it, if you are leaving anyway you have nothing to lose.

lovelycattus · 09/09/2026 10:25

OP do you get full sick pay ? Or just SSP?
If the former, be a bit more strategic and exhaust that up first otherwise you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Original poster
derFutterneid · 09/09/2026 09:31

I know Mint. I don’t know if I CBA.

I’m not leaving quietly though.

In the incident I mentioned with the person from head office, afterwards he came to find me and we had a chat and he said my feedback was great and that he was going to insist I was in all the meetings when he was there. He has the ear of the CEO. I’m thinking of writing to him and telling him that that interaction has led me to feel that I have no other option but to leave. I think he’d be quite shocked.

OP posts:
MintSnail · 09/09/2026 09:25

Litigation - personally I would not. Everyone I know who did this is still talking about it 10 years later, it's traumatic, like a divorce. Sometimes silence and moving on is more powerful. You can still kick them in the nuts at the exit interview and by letting one colleague know how you feel, the vibe will travel.

Original poster
derFutterneid · 09/09/2026 09:21

Do you think it is worth me speaking to an employment lawyer e.g. 30 mins free thing

OP posts:
Original poster
derFutterneid · 09/09/2026 09:10

I did speak to ACAS. I didn’t really get any clarity.

From the conversation I gathered that they had informally told me about my attitude, but not formally, and not given me the opportunity to respond. So, not followed their own policies and procedures. Also, not sure if I mentioned it here, but there are other issues too. According to ACAS I am witnessing a colleague with a protected characteristic being bullied, and reasonable adjustments are not being made for them. As a result of me, and others raising concerns about this to management, effectively I am a whistleblower and they don’t like it.

I really don’t know if I can be bothered with constructive dismissal. I’ve been through the legal wringer with a not my fault car accident a few years ago and it completely drained me.

Right now I’m concentrating on my meeting tomorrow about my other job.

Yesterday I felt really low. I’m not so much musing on the character assassination, but more on the fact that “is this it now? I’m a 50 something post menopausal woman and my opinions are not welcome. I’m a dinosaur and the younger generation do not want me on their team”.

Have I been naive? Is this why, at the end of a meeting when the manager says “any questions” no one speaks?

OP posts:
WoollyRosebud · 08/09/2026 21:43

keepincool · 08/09/2026 08:18

@derFutterneid I think you do have grounds for constructive dismissal. I understand your unwillingness to go down that route though. It's still worth talking to ACAS, especially after your conversation with your line manager. If you're feeling angry about it now, then get confirmation of your manager's comments in writing with a "just to confirm our earlier conversation..." email. It would be useful for any settlement negotiations. I'd be going after them now for every bit of compensation I could get, whether that's an ACAS settlement or tribunal win - but that's just me.

I agree that you have grounds for constructive dismissal. You have been treated disgracefully and summed it up well by saying your appraisal was a character assignation. Even if you don't want to go down the tribunal route I think you should state this in your resignation letter or email. Your employers sound awful so leave with your head held high and don't look back

madaboutpurple · 08/09/2026 21:14

I agree that it could be worth going for constructive dismissal . Especially if the company decide to settle without a tribunal. It might help you set up your own Pilates business. ACAS can help. I think the company deserve to have a financial hit as they are treating you very badly and if they settle out of court then the company might decide to treat people better in future. I hope you decide on this. All the best OP.

Ifyounevergiveup · 08/09/2026 11:50

@BeKhakiReader is right. Please don’t think that leaving reports behind will result in anything. Your departure will have “solved” the problem and it’ll go straight in the bin.

The only way to get a modicum of revenge is to hit them in the pocket. The safest (I.e. no financial outlay) way to do that is to wait until your plans are clear then go in the sick until all your full and any half/quarter/whatever pay is exhausted. Sorry to sound like a broken record, but being a vengeful little creature myself, I would like to see you get a bit of your own back.

Original poster
derFutterneid · 08/09/2026 09:54

Gosh, there are lots of unhappy employees. I’m on hold to ACAS and I’m 73rd in the queue.

I bet a lot of them are from the same organisation as me.

OP posts:
UnwillingAdvocate · 08/09/2026 08:49

Please talk to ACAS. You may well have a case for constructive dismissal.

BeKhakiReader · 08/09/2026 08:35

Speaking from bitter experience here, just sort things out and leave. I know you’re angry and upset, but trust me, no one will give a shit about your reports. The people left behind will band up together and absolutely nothing will be done. Not worth the stress. Just move on.

keepincool · 08/09/2026 08:18

@derFutterneid I think you do have grounds for constructive dismissal. I understand your unwillingness to go down that route though. It's still worth talking to ACAS, especially after your conversation with your line manager. If you're feeling angry about it now, then get confirmation of your manager's comments in writing with a "just to confirm our earlier conversation..." email. It would be useful for any settlement negotiations. I'd be going after them now for every bit of compensation I could get, whether that's an ACAS settlement or tribunal win - but that's just me.

Original poster
derFutterneid · 08/09/2026 08:05

When I met with my direct manager on Sunday and I asked why had this not been brought up sooner, she responded that she had brought it up. Her way of bringing it up apparently was to say that she can see I have been stressed out and at times overwhelmed. I actually do remember her saying this, but it is a throwaway comment as she says this to many of us, but is not prepared to do anything about it. Also, apparently she walks past me (and everyone else) and says "are you OK?" That's her way of telling us that we don't look happy.

I told her that there is a massive gulf between "I can see you have been stressed" and "you are a thorn, got an attitude problem" and that if there was a problem, she should have pulled me a aside from the start and been a bit more direct.

I am feeling happier about my decision as the days go by, and I am also getting madder. I don't think I have grounds for constructive dismissal, nor could I be bothered I think. However, I am not very happy with some things that have happened. I do think there is a direct age-ism link here. For the first time in my life I now feel old. It is just a number as well which is the sad thing. Out of everyone I work with, young and middle age, I am actually the fittest and energetic! There is a reason why I am fully loaded up Pilates, yoga and other sports coach. During the meeting with the senior manager one of the things she said to me was "you aren't like the other older workers who have loads of ailments and are always off sick".

I feel like when I hand in my notice, I don't just want to go quietly, and I do think I want to report a few people who deserve to have their professionalism questioned.

OP posts:
Sewingbeedamned · 07/09/2026 20:30

I have my fingers crossed that your other job will be able to offer you more hours. Are you in a union? This kind of bullying is exactly why unions are so important - no one should ever be surprised in an appraisal. The fact that you got feedback that shocked you is very poor management, and trying to make it your fault by saying that people are scared of you is just pathetic and spineless.

Ethelspagetti · 07/09/2026 20:02

derFutterneid · 07/09/2026 19:50

I have a meeting with my other job this week. If I can up my hours, which is what it is about, I’ll then hand in my resignation.

I wish you all the best and hope you get what you want 🌺

Original poster
derFutterneid · 07/09/2026 19:50

I have a meeting with my other job this week. If I can up my hours, which is what it is about, I’ll then hand in my resignation.

OP posts:
Daisymail · 07/09/2026 17:53

Still think you should leave, why put yourself through this? You will be second guessing everything you do and say. Leave them to it, they sound absolutely awful.

Radioheads · 07/09/2026 13:13

Good for you OP.
What absolute users.
Now you know, you 100% suit yourself and offer nothing beyond the BMW job.

Keep careful notes yourself and it is worth a call to ACAS about how you protect yourself.

You are BMW but getting into trouble for not doing your managers job.

Detailed notes are your friend here.

RunningForCalm · 07/09/2026 11:35

Apologies …. Still not RTFT (honestly, not like me). I see this has been discussed to death.

RunningForCalm · 07/09/2026 11:34

Efrogwraig · 06/09/2026 08:42

Speak to ACAS. Ask about constructive dismissal claim. I am assuming you are not in a union?

I carried reading the full thread and had exactly this in mind. I think you might have a case for constructive dismissal. The working conditions, excessive responsibility, plus ridiculous appraisal all forcing you to leave a job you don’t really want to leave and which they can’t fire you from. Are voluntary redundancies coming up and they’re worried you’ll go for it with way all your (expensive) years behind you? It smells fishy.