AIBU to feel upset after my meeting with my manager?

You know in your heart this is never going to get any better. If you have the opportunity to up your hours elsewhere, just do it. You can replace a job, you can’t replace your health.

This.
@derFutterneid The first thing to realise is that this is not about you. The issue is not your attitude or your menopause or your lack of smiling.
It is really nothing to do with you.
Higher management want to cut costs, but they can't afford (or don't want to pay) to make you redundant with your long service.
There is also ageism at play. And your experience makes the twenty-something managers nervous.

Just leave.
Or, wait for a redundancy that might never materialise, and put up with the utterly toxic and unprofessional behaviour from management while you wait.
The choice is yours.

Absolutely a toxic workplace, they literally expect you to work harder than everyone else, have all your requests turned down for work life balance AND skip about looking happy about it while never questioning their shit decisions.

Just walk, they don’t appreciate you.

I think the key to this is that you are one of a handful of staff at your level on a permanent contract, so they are pushing you to resign. IME being the reliable workhorse isn't sustainable long term - and I guess it's human nature for management to not want to admit any responsbility for an overwhelming workload ending up overwhelming you and affecting your mental health. As you've already got a side job, I would either take some time off sick if you genuinely feel too upset/unwell to go into work, or simply resign.

Leave. You are more than capable. You’ve been doing the lions share for no reward. Perhaps your ability to manage shows up other’s ineptitude- not your concern. They will only verbally abuse you worse as they’ve opened the door to it. This will only affect your self confidence more and a reference you may need. Perhaps say “ since you find me difficult to work with, could we agree a reference and I’ll resign?” intending to resign anyway. Don’t give into their mind games!

Jeezo OP, I'd be out that door before the managers had a chance to shout a cheery "goodbye"! Id hand in my notice, and then give yourself a week or so to spend solely on planning and prepping your pilates work (even better if you are able to use any holiday accrued). If it seems like that will be manageable when it is your main focus, go for it, and if not, look at finding another nmw job to do alongside it. Life's too short even before the appraisal. It will be worse now you're self conscious about the whole environment.

What does downgraded actually mean? Does it affect your pay or does it just mean you move from 'excellent' to 'very good' or similar on some company ranking system?

If its not affecting your pay I would just try to ignore it and not let it add to your stress. Your managers sound awful and the whole company toxic. I would start to look elsewhere and make plans to leave but don't quit as a reaction to a unsatisfactory appraisal.

They clearly don't value you so I would stop picking up extra work and busting a gut for the managers. No job is worth your health, slow down. If they pick up on this say you realised that you were being over worked and over stressed and it had been affecting your mood so you've decided to take their feedback on board and slow down so you are less stressed and can return to your normal cheerful self, smile and coast!

My guess is your face no longer fits, they are threatened by your knowledge and abilities, and they have started the positioning to get rid of you. You will also be very expensive to make redundant due to your longevity. You can carry on calmly ignoring the insult, and they will eventually have to pay you what you are due.

It's rotten & ageist but it seems to be increasingly common.

FYI this is a minimum wage job. I do have another PT job which I can increase the hours. I don't really need the money, but I saved and invested all that I earned and felt I was contributing to my household and our future.

I'd go ASAP. And work to rule until then.

How awful!! If you are going to leave anyway, I'd go back to them and ask for a meeting. Be very prepared with documentation of how much extra you've taken on in the past few years (and how much you've had in return: are there any benefits or payments for this??), how much the staff turnover has increased, and why moral is so bad. Point out that you're doing a great job but essentially being penalised for not pretending everything is ok when it's clearly not!!! Highlight all the solutions you've asked for in order to be able to manage the workload, and that they were all declined. If you want an official managers role (since you're filling in anyway) or another leadership position, sketch out what that would look like, and how you could help improve conditions.

But I really hope you find another job where you're appreciated and treated well.

I think the way the company has changed, the ‘toxic atmosphere’ you are enduring, the amount of extra work that has been put on your shoulders, will have affected your attitude to the company and is probably coming out in your feedback and even your body language - which is inevitable (and not wrong) given the stress you are under.
This is not good for your mental health at all, certainly to be coming home ‘stressed out and crying’.
It is now time for you to leave. The company will never go back to the good way it used to be, that you knew and loved - you’ve outgrown them.
Time to start a new chapter in your life.

I left my job recently due to stress. Was told I was too negative but I was carrying a huge workload and nobody higher up was listening. Don’t currently have a job and I have no idea what I’ll say when it comes to asking why I left but I’m much the happier for it.

Get signed off with stress and just leave. Let them sort out the resulting mess.

You’d be expensive to make redundant, maybe they want you out. Are their redundancies ever voluntary? If so I’d put myself forward next time in your shoes, if not go.

Are you owed much annual leave and sick leave? I would take all you are owed and just don’t show up when you’re due back. They don’t deserve any notice period. Your children are right, the stress of it all will make you sick.

It’s time to go isn’t it.
Do you think that given this information that from now on, they are going to be managing you out anyway and that work life is about to get even worse?

I do have experience of a colleague who was absolutely gob smacked at similar feedback.

Just get out of there if you don’t need to be there, it will be utterly freeing.
Try to think ahead, 6, 12 months from now, do you see this carrying on or do you see your life as free, happy, relaxed, no more stress and no more knowing that the people surrounding you actually do not like working with you & that you are not in the position you thought you were in?
Just get out.

For a start you can put down the rope. It's obvious it's not appreciated. Start and leave on time, do no more. Stop and talk to your colleagues. Your appraisal was beyond poor, there should be no surprises. You managed to get downgraded without realising it! It seems rather pointless if you are going through all this stress just to put it in the bank. Life is for living and very short. You're not going to change them but you can change your response.

Leave.

You are in a no win situation whereby they expect the moon on a stick and for you to be happy about it and put on a performance.

There are loads an NMW jobs you could do instead if you choose (supermarket, cafe, cleaning) whereby you’ll be appreciated.

You need to leave - with or without a new job lined up.

Someone has your card marked and there is no going back when the rest of management aren’t backing you up. All this stress and being treated like crap - just no. Find a new job with hopefully decent management.

I had almost exactly the same thing happen to me after 25 years with the company with no negative feedback at all. I was sacked- I was a contractor ( yes, for 25 years!) so perfectly legal.

For me the 'attitude' they talked about was menopause symptoms. I didn't realise this was coming out at work, I actually thought I was masking it.

Anyhow, I think you should leave if you don't need the money. Life's too short it really is. You'll have such relief at getting out of the petty office politics.

This