AIBU to feel upset after my meeting with my manager?

I agree too. I love pilates and my class tomorrow has 6 people on a waiting list for a spot!

In terms of going off sick - it is a bit trickier if you are still doing your Pilates work while signed off sick - as while the obvious common sense answer would be that it's your current job that's the issue and not the Pilates it could muddy the waters a bit. So maybe just resign rather than go off sick.

Just to say, absolutely can be off sick from one job while continuing in a second job.
Different jobs require different skills and levels of function. Job 1 is the cause of the stress, needs to be off to get better. Job 2 is therapeutic, is helping to lower stress and contributes to recovery.

I recently left a company I had worked at for over 10 years in a role that I had loved. It took me ages to decide to leave as I kept thinking it was about to get better - but it didn’t, it only got worse and I was left close to burnt out. Crying, not sleeping and close family telling you you’re going to have a heart attack are all clear signs of being stressed - if you decided to go on sick leave you would be doing it for genuine reasons. It gives you a bit of time to recuperate and think more objectively about things. It doesn’t sound like a nice job at all - but I know what it’s like to hold onto something where it used to be so good. The relief I felt when I handed in my notice was huge - mixed with guilt and sadness. but several months down the line I don’t regret it for a second, and the space has given me the opportunity to look back and see just how crazy the workplace had become!
good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Your post is very professional and much of it could be feedback to them. I suspect you are on the receiving end of some intersectional bias here. An older man would be seen as assertive and competent at dealing with an overly increased workload. Although he probably wouldn’t have been given it and if he was, would have been promoted before taking it on.

This is a fight you can’t win, so leave in the way that will piss them off the most. See your GP, get signed off and give notice. You’ll be paid during your notice period and can swan off into the wide blue yonder to Pilates peace 🙂

Just to add that no information should come as a suprise during an appraisal....appraisals are a formal means only to document feedback and set objectives for the coming year. The real conversations and check ins to see how you're doing should be taking place on an ongoing basis. Reading your comments shows to me how unprofessional and inexperienced your manager is to only raise their concerns now. That validates to me that there is not much weight or credibility in what they are saying.... And on top of that, if they were a good manager and noticed a change in your behaviour, why did they not ask you before now if you were ok or needed any support. The answer to that is because they are SHIT MANAGERS and are in way over their heads.

You should hold your head up high. Don't let them knock your confidence and you'll find once you're out of this toxic work environment you'll feel more like yourself again.

I wish you every success with your other endeavours. 🥰

They can't give you a bad reference, its not allowed.

They can if it's factual and evidenced. But a they won't have evidence of the OP consistently turning up late, swearing at customers and colleagues or anything like that, they won't be able to in this case.

Book leave if you want, but depending on when your leave year runs, it will be pro-rated, so if it starts January and you leave at end of September, you'll only be entitled to 3/4 of your normal leave allowance, and you've presumably already taken some this year. You should either take, or be paid for any that hasn't been taken.

I would give a very simple resignation, "I am resigning from my role. According to my contract, I must give 1 month's notice; therefore my last day will be (1 month from today.)"

You could raise a grievance if you want, but you should get union/ACAS advice first. If you're going to resign anyway, consider whether it's worth the stress. I'd be very surprised if you'd get constructive dismissal - the bar is high, and resigning after one poor appraisal when you aren't staying to be there all smiley and positive attitude isn't going to do it. However, if you do want to investigate it, be aware it's got some tight timelines.

I do hope your manager also had a poor appraisal - nothing in an appraisal should come as a surprise, be it good or bad; it should be dealt with at the time, and not being able to give examples of your apparent wrong-doings is also poor - though if they had had any, you could have asked why they didn't bring it up at the time. But I have been around long enough to be under no illusion that that will actually happen, and if the whole company is like this, they're probably being praised for strong management of difficult staff.

Someone once said, "Is the person giving you feedback someone you would go to when you need advice? If the answer is no, why woukd you care about what they think when you haven't asked?"

I think they are treating you awfully but please think about things before going sick. Chat to Acas or union. If they haven't raised your attitude before then downgrade you surely that's constructive dismissal? I'd agree you need to leave but a payout would help. The "meeting a group in a room to be told how your attitude is" stinks.. Bullying, harassment. Good luck

It's worse than that - it wasn't even brought up at appraisal. She noticed her downgrading afterwards. The character assassination only occured when she spoke to a manager afterwards about the reasons for being downgraded.

I wouldn't continue the angst with a grievance, but you're spot on about how this has been handled

While recognising that some in their twenties make excellent managers, learning to do it properly usually takes time and a lot more experience, and those without it often flail around trying to give an impression of managing with chaotic results

As a PP said, someone with much greater experience can make them feel nervous, and resenting this they'll target that person instead ... but only if they allow them to

Take their excellent advice on board and spend the majority of the day smiling and chatting to people. Friendliness is so important, clearly it’s much more important than effective, productive work. If drinking endless cups of tea, and wafting around the office chatting is what they want, then get on with it and drop any personal obligation you feel to the work. It’s not valued.

And train up for Pilates, there’s a huge shortage of Pilates classes in my area!

You can argue the Pilates is to support her MH recovery

If I've read the OP correctly, it was after the appraisal that the OP was told there were issues. She has a piss poor manager who has chosen to focus on personal aspects rather than the fact she's completely overworked and that's the root cause of anything else. That manager should be addressing the understaffing and helping to get the OP the support she needs. Leave and look at suing them for constructive dismissal.

I would resign.

I would also get signed off sick, but if this means you can’t carry on with Pilates job then probably not the best idea. You can’t surely be sick from one job but continue doing another.

Another thing I would do is raise a grievance about your performance rating from your appraisal in that they raised things that had not been brought to your attention during the year. Appraisals should be “no surprises”. So log a grievance with HR - make it difficult for them.

As for the resignation letter, short and sweet, “I resign from today and will leave on x day. I have x days holidays to take so my last working day will be x and I will be paid to x.”

If there's no reference I'd go to the gp and get signed off with stress and take some time to think about your next steps.

You really sound burnt out. I had this at a appraisal because they had a set number of shiity appraisals to give out and I was told "it was my turn" I played into that. Said I was shocked I was uo standard after 15 years of no complaints. They said it was my skills, it was my personality. So I asked to drop hours so I could feel more refreshed as part of improvement. I had some sick leave. But I never felt the same there afterwards. Knowing no one had defended me or pushed back. I had never once taken a sick day before. So I was a easy target.

Get signed off. Rest. Take time to think. Ask again to drop hours but this time directly relate it to your feedback. Get some union / legal advise. While off sick. Tell the gp your thinking of resigning as work is making you ill.

I would get signed off and stay on sick leave for as long as possible, developing your private business and then leave with no handover.

As part of a management course I went on I had to ask colleagues for feedback about me and it was horrendous! ‘Cold’ came up a few times and expecting too much of people. The second one was my inexperience but I saw myself as being so warm and friendly that cold really shocked me. It can be hard to view yourself objectively. As painful as it is are any of those things true? I work with someone who is as your manager describes but they would be adamant they are nothing like that.

They don't sound like a company who pays sick pay to me. I wouldn't go off sick without first checking whether I am entirely to anything above statutory sick pay. As PP mentioned, having long sickness period is not a great thing when it comes to employer references.

I would look for another role or leave in your shoes. If it’s just above or at NMW it’s not worth it. Companies like this prioritise profit over welfare or they would hire more people. You owe them nothing.

The information in the negative reference has to be supported by "concrete evidence" and there doesn't seem to be much in OPs case. Most employers avoid giving negative reference. This is from Gov website:

Bad references
If you think you’ve been given an unfair or misleading reference, you may be able to claim damages in court. Your previous employer must be able to back up the reference, such as by supplying examples of warning letters.
You must be able to show that:

• it’s misleading or inaccurate
• you ‘suffered a loss’ – for example, the withdrawal of a job offer

People with no idea how to manage. At all.

Hand your notice in, go off on sick with work stress and just completely drop the rope before your contract terminates. They don’t deserve a smooth handover. Work on building up your Pilates business. It’s really having a moment now so a great time to expand it. I’d much rather be taught by a woman my age and at my time of life (we are similar age and I’m perimenopausal) and I don’t think I’m alone. Good luck!

Fuck that. Quit. With as little notice as possible. Then they'll find out why you're so miserable all the time. It's a minimum wage job, you've been consistently employed for 10 years it's not like you're throwing away a huge income or flaking bouncing from job to job. You will find another minimum wage job with alot less to do.

A overly high workload is done on purpose. To set you up to fail. They will know you have a disproportionate workload to anyone else. And that nobody else could probably do it too.

I bet your manager couldn’t do it !