AIBU to feel upset after my meeting with my manager?

Your concerns about not having prepped enough for taking Pilates classes would be addressed by resigning. I'd build up your Pilates business, you'll be paid more than minimum wage and also have time to yourself. The stress isn't worth it. You own them nothing, they've treated you appallingly. Hand in your notice, do only what you're contracted to do, with a smile and walk away with your head held high

Quit.
But just to fuck with them, ask for their stress at work risk assessment, involve a union, get signed off by a GP. They deserve to get in the shit.

https://www.hse.gov.uk/stress/risk-assessment.htm
"Employers have a legal duty to protect workers from stress at work by doing a risk assessment and acting on it."

Based on what you’ve said, I do suspect you’re not coming across that pleasant at work and potentially very difficult.

But it’s the toxic environment that has made you that way. Poor managers really don’t appreciate how awful they can make you feel, and when your behaviour starts changing in response to that, then they see you as the problem rather than them having caused it.

The not saying hello point is something I’m very familiar with. I worked somewhere many years ago that didn’t start toxic but changed as people left and joined. When I realised colleagues wouldn’t respond when I said “good morning” but did respond to others, I just stopped saying anything in the morning when I arrived. Yet guess who was the one picked up on my poor attitude for not saying good morning in the mornings.

It’s easy to miss how these places have broken you down and changed who you are as a person. Especially when you’re generally a well liked person in the workplace and get on with others.

Leave. Find a new job. I couldn’t leave without having another job to go to, but I finally found one after 6 months or so and was so much happier, and didn’t realise how much my previous job had affected me in the workplace. Your happiness and sanity is more important.

The problem seems to be that a bunch of over-promoted (but cheap) 20-somethings can't cope with managing a wordly-wise woman who knows her own mind.
Resign and leave them to it.

The supermarkets will have NMW jobs available coming up to Christmas, you certainly don't need to be beholden to this lot of numpties.
Even the best paid job in the world isn't worth compromising your health for, this NMW with all the attendant downsides job, certainly isn't. Go do more of your Pilates and if you can get a few supermarket hours you can add that pay to your savings.

I agree on the going off sick point as attendance information can be requested as part of a factual reference but if you took a week off sick to reflect and manage your (understandable) anxiety caused by work in the context of your great attendance record and long service I doubt it would put future employers off.
After a week to recalibrate I would resign, work my notice doing my job but nothing additionally declining to do any other tasks beyond the scope of my role with a calm (and smiley), “oh do accept my apologies- I can’t take on additional work, I don’t have capacity and can’t envisage that this will change throughout the course of my notice period”.

Your workplace sounds extremely toxic and whilst it may have impacted your behaviour, the bigger picture is that you deserve better and could do with a fresh start.

They can't give you a bad reference, its not allowed.

They can if what they say is truthful.

100% go off sick right now and get advice from your union.

I see you have already decided to hand your notice in. Good. Send a short professional letter/email. Ask them to acknowledge it.

I don’t know how much notice you have to work or how much annual leave you have left to take. Otherwise if you can’t face going in then ask your GP to sign you off with stress. Personally I would go in, work to rule and make it clear professionally of course that management are the reason you are leaving (but then I’m very petty). But it does sound like for whatever reason they wanted to push you out so at least they got their way so don’t have any reason to be pissy with you for your notice period.

You say it’s not about the money and you’re on minimum wage. I can’t understand why you’re still there TBH. I would happily tell them to fuck off and trounce out the door.

I would leave, and time it so that it causes them the maximum amount of disruption.

No brainer - walk in with your letter of resignation giving whatever notice you have to. Book any unused holiday.

just do it - you already have a plan with your Pilates and it sounds like you need some time out to recover and decompress. Life is too short for this .

There's no point reflecting on previous appraisals etc- people and organisations change. My place of work has had constant restructures in recent years and lots of long timers who would have been considered crucial until recently are being let go. It's now considered a disadvantage to have tenure there.

I've been in leadership in different orgs and it sucks how others will fall into behind one person's view about attitude etc. I see so many people believing a) their years/putting up with overwork counts for something and b) that HR are there for them. Sorry OP. Fuck this underpaid nonsense and commit to the pilates. You won't know yourself!

You do get some strange people in the workplace in management positions. They have odd attitudes some of them. Especially towards women who are older, and who have opinions about work practices they can draw attention to.
If women do have to be in the workplace, as they see it, they prefer them compliant, young and smiley.

If you dont need the money leave, you health is more important. Xx

If you honestly don't need the money, then leave. Concentrate on your pilates business, and build it up. You'll be less stressed, and therefore in a better frame of mind to do more training for pilates qualifications.

No job is worth making yourself stressed and unwell. Your children are correct, if you keep up this level, you'll end up having a heart attack or breakdown.

The management want all their staff to walk around like they're working at Disney, but aren't addressing the poor morale within the company. Morale is low due to the awful workload and the management aren't taking any proactive steps to solve the situation. If you're the type of person who calls a spade a spade, then sadly, not employers appreciate being told the truth. They'd much rather you agree with their narrative, and gloss over problems.

If money isn't an issue, why your husband isn't being supportive of you leaving, I really don't know. His priority should be your physical and mental wellbeing, not topping up the savings account.

I think they want you to quit or find flimsy reason to sack you to avoid paying you redundancy.

They sound like awful employers.

I would start job hunting and from now on don't do any extra work and always leave on time.

If they use made up reasons to push you out then tell them you are going to take them to an employment tribunal.

If you are really stressed to the point of being unwell then take some sick leave and watch them try to cope without you to pick up all the extra workload...

This is absolutely rubbish, depending on your policy you can work a second job while on sick from the first job especially if it's a completely different job and your stress is work related. Also how can they stop you looking for a job, or applying whether you are working or signed off sick? I work in HR and I can't even imagine having that conversation with someone let alone starting a disciplinary process. Just check your absence policies, some won't pay enhanced sick leave if you hand your notice and then go off sick, but you will get statutory pay.

I'm so cross on your behalf. I had something similar at work and we were all made to feel like a naughty schoolgirls. I'm in my 50s! Never in all my 30 years of working life had I encountered that! Toxic! It's their behaviour that they need to look at!! Grrrrr

Don’t let mumsnet make you resign tho. They will owe you lots in redundancy so you could play the game and switch off and don’t do what the workload won’t allow. That would be the best option. They are trying to manage you out cos you are expensive.

Superb post. The work equivalent of an abusive relationship.

I could have written this 10 years ago. Very toxic environment & I just couldn’t do it anymore even tho I loved the work I did. I spent a week crying every night & questioning life in general, knee jerked handing in my resignation - the relief was immense & I have absolutely no regrets. With hindsight I should have gone off sick & spoken to ACAS, but I just wanted to get away & knew if I had been signed off sick I would have gone back. In the 6 months after I left 3/4 of the team left as well.

This all happened at a time when I lost people around my age & I just decided life is too short to be so unhappy. I wish you future happiness in whatever you decide to do 💐

Don't rush your resignation today. Plan your moves to gain the best advantage for you. Make a GP appointment tomorrow and get a certificate for stress while you are planning your next move
Not having to go into work will bring immediate benefits. Let them cope with your absence and see your work value.
Your manager has behaved disgracefully, indeed the whole managrment group has. They have clearly been discussing you but couldn't speak to you directly.
You have all the advantages going forward. Plan and use the next few weeks wisely knowing the end goal.
Please speak to ACAS before you resign.

Don't look for another job whilst off sick. Its not allowed. If you were to attend an interview whilst signed off you could be disciplined. You don't need any more.stress. it looks bad for other potential employers. By all.means take some time out but watch your back. Its sounds like your current employer has an issue with you, don't give them any ammunition. I don't suppose you are in a union. They could support you

I think you're in the work equivalent of an abusive relationship, blaming you for their shit behaviour.
Get out, honestly. Go off sick. Going by my partners also awful work place it seems to be the done thing to get signed off for a month or so while looking for another job.

Definitely go off sick. Email them with the reasons why, specifically the issues with working without a day off, them asking you to up your hours when you are already overworked, refusing your requests, expecting you to cover as manager etc. All this has led to work related stress and you can no longer cope with it.
don’t give them an inkling you might go off until you are sure you can get a GP appointment then mention feeling stressed. Then drop them in it to cope without you and see how they get on. Take the maximum amount of paid sick that you can but make sure there’s no caveats in your HR policy over sick leave. Then resign if you still want to.

Im a person who never takes sick leave or advises people to go off, but in your case you need to go off for your own wellbeing and why should you just resign when they’ve made your life so difficult?