AIBU to challenge my husband using the same excuse over chores?

They are incredibly good at hiding it until the woman is stuck in.

I recognized it in a family member very recently. For the past 50 years I thought he was either mentally unwell or a prick. Now I see he has the mentality and coping skills of a child. It’s changed my world view.

Have you tried sitting down at a time where tensions are not high or you've just had an argument and laying it out.

'Hey, i wanted to talk to you about how best we can communicate in these kinds of situations. I dont want to have to swoop in and correct you, and I appreciate that it feels like you are being attacked, so what do you think we should do in future, if theres a situation where one of us needs to tell each other that the other person might be missing a step in chores, kids etc, what do you think best way for us to bring that up to each other?'

If he goes 'stop having a go at me'

You can say 'okay so how do you want me to tell you, if theres something you've forgotten and I need to talk to you about it, how's best to bring it up? Because not bringing it up isnt an option, so what gets your back up when I tell you stuff and what alternatives can we try? For example, i dont take anything in when the kids are in the room as im focused on them, so id prefer you to talk to me about problems when they arent in the room - stuff like that'

If you have already done this, apologies. Bit put the ball back in his court. This is a non negotiable part of life together, so what does he suggest.
If he just keeps saying 'just stop having a go at me' then you have some bigger decisions to make tbh. He's going to really struggle with teenagers if he doesnt sort this out. That might be worth pointing out in a non accusatory way... 'we need to figure this out before we've got teenagers as we will need to think about what we are teaching them, and we need to be able to adjust to what the best way to deal with them as individuals is, whats right for you or me when theres a problem we need to talk about, might not be right for them'

Ugh lazy men are the ultimate ick.

He couldn’t be bothered with the sheet. Lazy gross behaviour, poor parenting, and it’ll cost him when the mattress is ruined. How embarrassing for him.

He didn’t know that they needed a sheet? Pathetic, infantilising behaviour. How embarrassing for him.

@HumbleHun

Here you go

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/weaponized-incompetence

The natural consequence for a man who has not matured beyond childhood is to remain single and child free. What on earth are women thinking getting into relationships, marriages, houses, families with men like this?!

I'm quite easy to rile up on this site these days, I'll admit, but that persons post mentioning Emmerdale made me laugh so much more than it should have and reminded me how ludicrous this place can be sometimes . It really cheered me up 😂.

And? WTF has that got to do with this thread but for some reason you dropped it in.

Weaponised incompetence is a fairly common description of an otherwise capable person trying to avoid doing something they think someone else ought to do - usually used to describe male behaviour but not limited to.

Your husband is doing it on purpose cause he is a lazy person, a responsible parent would know not to lie a baby on a bare mattress. He needs to take some accountability, none of us like chores but they have to be done! The threats to leave is his way to control the situation, and not normal. So the next time he says it , tell him to go.

True, but holy shit is it tiresome and draining to have to do this.

I really despair of men lately. I think many of them have the same emotional maturity they did at 12 years old.

Exactly. Tell him to go.

He's counting on the fact you want to stay married. If he knew you were at breaking point he might wake up a bit.

They don’t care if the kid lays on a bare mattress. What’s the problem? I’ve put him to bed haven’t I? They don’t see things how we do and if you say anything you’re picking. It doesn’t get any better.

I was thinking it’s odd to think that every two words that one may be put together are surely not yet in the OED? How boring it would be.

@HumbleHun Even if one never heard these two words together the meaning is quite clear.

Weaponized is the past tense or adjective form of the verb weaponize, which means to adapt or turn something into a weapon to cause harm, injury, or gain an advantage

Incompetence means a lack of the ability, skill, knowledge, or qualifications needed to do a job or perform a task correctly.

It’s commonly used domestically about men who either lack ability to do basic household tasks or feign such, so as to gain the advantage of not having to do much.

My DP says "why can't I do anything right?" And I say "I have no idea, maybe spend some time thinking about it".

Deflect it back to him. It's not my fault he can't load the dishwasher correctly (etc).

You said he’s always been like this. You’ve accepted from the off that he will make you do all the household work.

He will not change. He’s threatening to leave you so you stop asking him to change.

This is deeply entrenched behaviour. Your only two choices are to leave him or continue to live like this.

It’s too late for you but I’ll repeat what I’ve said on MN many times in case any women who are still dating, or at least pre-children with a man are reading: do not live with a man until you have seen him properly manage his own house and life for at least 1.5-2 years. Cooking, cleaning, organising his work and social life. He has to prove competent without the aid of a woman before you live with and have children with him.

This is a hilariously silly comeback. Weaponised incompetence is a fairly widely known concept, I would say.

That post ticked all the incorrect SPAG boxes.

And on Mumsnet.

You can't have been a very good English teacher. Both weaponized and incompetence are in the dictionary. Your comprehension skills are lacking too if you can't work out why the "phrase" is used.

It's absolutely weaponised incompetence.

The whole "I can't do anything right" you put a baby that keeps wetting through their clothes on a bare mattress, you're not even fucking trying. It's not like he's hoovering and you've complained the lines don't all go in the same direction.

"He didn't mean it" what he accidentally couldn't be arsed to make the bed. No, he's just lazy and scruffy.

If he left he'd just be saving you the hassle of cleaning up after him, it's not the threat he thinks it is.

I'm another with a twatty ex who used to declare 'that's it, we're getting divorced!' when things weren't going his way.

Reader, eventually I took him at his word and my life improved so much. I know it's never easy to split, OP, but you do not have to live with this abuser in your life.

Well, you'll find "weaponised", and you'll find "incompetence". Put the adjective and the noun together, and you have a compound noun that perfectly describes the typical behaviour of the numpty that the OP has ended up with.

The more he threatens to leave the less it will bother you!! My ex did that until one day i no longer cared and said go on then! He was stunned! The power balance shifted that day and I walked out a few months later.

You say he doesn't like tidying. I don't either. If i was living with someone and he was generally tidier than me- not difficult, there would have to be some kind of compromise,e.g. clothes can be placed on a chair instead . There are however some things that are common sense and there is no compromise, the example of baby's cot being a perfect illustration. I think in a calm.moment you need to sit down and sort a division of tasks. This needs to be a working document that changes according to other commitments, e.g. if u are at home less in the future/less face to face parenting/child at nursery etc this will need to change. It won't be easy as he has obviously been doing this a long time.

I think you need to have a very firm discussion with him. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself and his children, he is an adult and a parent and you cannot do his parenting for him, as well as your own.

Wtf was thinking putting a baby in nappies on a bare mattress? Social services check whether children have bedding when they review their living situations. Is he so thick and inept that he is not able to ensure his own children have the most basic care?

Nagging him is more fucking work for you isn't it. Did he get the baby up and put the bedding on when you noticed? Am I right in imagining that you had to do that as well as schooling him in the absolute basics of parenthood?

That will not help a complete fuckwit!!

Sorry @sausagetheorangecat but I'm really not sure what sort of idiot would put a baby/child on a bare mattress. And then get angry about it.

It sounds to me like he's deliberately doing things wrong so he doesn't get asked to do them again. Then makes out it's all your fault and you're being mean.
My exh was like this. It never improved and I put up with it for far longer than I should have. Next time he makes the threats to leave just agree to them. I found life much easier when I no longer had an adult acting like a child to also look after.