DH playing football on birthday

For the birthday itself: go to soft play then to your mum's- your DH can go to football but why on earth everyone needs to watch him is beyond me .

Going forwards: it isn't fair that your DH gets so much time to himself when you get none. The fact he made a decision re the football without consulting you is quite telling, as I doubt you would do the same. When babies are little they meed need their mum more, particularly if bf, but your youngest is 1 now and parenting/free time should be equal

That is real shit behaviour from your husband.

Will he at least be supervising the children at soft play?

As others have said, go to your parents after the soft play.

Hope all goes well this week.

So this is really about him not pulling his weight in the household, not the birthday as such. If he was making a fair contribution and you didn’t have all the background difficulties of the termination etc, I’d say YABU. As it is, you’re not.

Time for a reset I think. I always find having clear areas of responsibility work best, rather than “sharing” everything. Make a list of things that need doing which you can cope with being done badly (he will try to wriggle out of it by being crap at it). And make sure you never, ever do those jobs. Then get yourself a hobby that takes you out of the house one evening a week - tell, don’t ask. Normally I’d say discuss it, but he’ll find a way of making it impossible for you if you do that. Then hold firm. If he says “But what about the kids/my TV time/whatever?” just tell him you have every confidence in his ability to manage.

I don’t think it’s ‘intense’ to celebrate a first birthday. But then I would assume it was as much for the parents & family to celebrate as the child. Skipping a single match doesn’t seem like much of a hardship for your kids birthday.

I’d probably go further and say that if my wife was going to have a termination in the following days after her child’s first birthday, she might benefit from some extra support and ask her what she needs from me.

My husband wouldn’t dream of doing this because, believe it or not, even tho the kid doesn’t know it’s his birthday, the Dad does, and it’s weird he doesn’t want to spend it with him, and the person he made the child with! It’s not like he’s chained to the house all the time so this dramatic “not doing anything that doesn’t revolve around kids” is a pointless comment when he clearly DOES

To be honest, given the broader context of the upcoming termination I'd be pretty fucking devastated if my husband prioritised volunteering to play in a football match over spending a child's birthday together as a family. It's really shitty, selfish, thoughtless behaviour.

People may say the baby won't remember but I think the first birthday is such a big deal. It's the one year anniversary of you giving birth and the whole year marker for this crazy time period you've been through together.

For both my children we did something big on their first birthday (family trip to beach for one and party for the other).

It wouldn't even have crossed my husband's mind to do his hobby on our kids' birthdays.

Does he have any good points?
He lives his life . Has you for sex and child rearing. Goes to work and football.
What do you get?
Talk thru with your mh team and get some ongoing counselling. Consider your life going forward. He does not seem to want to be involved. (When do you go out and leave him with the kids?)

For now go to your parents on the day 3 and 1 are not going to sit and watch daddy play football unless there are separate kid activities put on .

It’s not about the bloody football people! Read the opening post in detail.

Indeed. It seems very self-absorbed to not only expect to do his hobby on his child's birthday, but also for everybody to come along and watch him - as though their hobby as assigned by default is to watch him doing his hobby. It often happens that parents go along to watch and support their young children playing sports (and probably needing to transport them anyway); but the other way around is really odd, unless maybe your parent is a professional footballer and you're choosing to join the tens of thousands of other fans in the stadium for the full atmosphere of the match.

Even with the timing, he's showing his selfishness. If, say, he needed to leave for his hobby at 6pm and he was wanting to check that the baby's special day would have finished and been wound down ready for bedtime by then, it may be fair enough; but saying that you have to have it all over with and cleared up by 1pm is just clearly relegating somebody's special day for celebration to a mundane appointment or task to slot into an otherwise much more exciting day - as though it was getting the Tesco shop in or picking up your dry cleaning.

It’s not about the football it’s that you need support.

Sounds like a fair compromise.

Are you expected to watch all through the winter as the season has only just started.

Unless it’s a match and him not being there would ruin it for the entire team - he’s being incredibly selfish.

There’s literally a couple days of the year when you don’t think about yourself and need to put someone else above yourself.

If this was some sort of one off/once in a lifetime thing then I’d get it but it’s what he does every week.

Please don’t feel guilty about the termination - you are doing the right thing.
Its not an easy decision and if you need to talk to someone then do (even ChatGPT can sometimes help).

He needs to not only be there for his child but he needs to be there for you right now.
A little bit of extra love and attention is not going to cost him anything but it will help you so much.

Non issue regarding the actual football

No, but his wife will remember it, and how little the child's first birthday meant to him or her, as a family unit.
That's the important bit, his family being low in the pecking order.

Your DH is a crap husband and father

Get him to drop you at your mums before football.
I probably wouldn't be pleased - but we would have chatted about it before the day before (in an ideal world...in the real world i would have expected him to know not to play and he would have expected that I would know he is playing....I guess I would ask has the other child's birthday ever fallen on a Sunday? Or is this the first time? In which case chalk it up to crossed wires. And make sure he knows for next time.

Yes, and the husband will be left scratching his head as to why the marriage is dying. Why are there so many like him? What are we doing wrong?!

I don’t think it’s a big deal sorry. I understand you’re tired and emotional but a one year old won’t realise it’s his birthday and won’t remember it.
I don’t think you should go and watch the football though, that would be a nightmare with two young children to look after.
I’d either come home after soft play for a couple of hours then go to your parents, or go to your parents alone after soft play and then you can come home earlier with the DC and he will be back from football to help with baths and bedtime.

Tell him to stop playing foot ball and that he has responsibilities as a married man and father.

Big hug and hope your termination goes smoothly. xxx

You obviously cant stop him going but I would be pissed off and leave to go to your parents after soft play and tell him he is not going to be there for the cake. Selfish wanker.

Side note - I hate watching football, especially amateur games. Its a fucking purgatory.

It sounds like a very intense life you are all leading.
We and our friends have never made a big deal out of a first birthday. Not much about 2nd and 3rd either other than family.
Going to watch Sunday afternoon football for the entire match. Why??
Sympathy and Best wishes for your recovery next week.

What makes me laugh is other posters asking why you (or mums in general) don’t insist on the same free time to themselves and make it sound absolutely fine for a man to enjoy a hobby 3 days a week.

My neighbour was like you. Her husband played golf twice after work or went to the driving range and spent at least half a weekend day doing a round. She eventually got fed up and told her DH that she would be doing the same and joined me at the gym or out with some friends.

What happened was that they then never had any family time. One of them was out every evening after work and for several hours both days at the weekend. They brushed along ok and went to work but drifted apart. Her husband then had the cheek to have an affair, saying he felt lonely and not wanted, that they weren’t a proper family etc. It made me think how many mums don’t do things for themselves so as soon as their DH/partner is free, they can try to cram in some time as a couple and as a family. If women did the same as men, which they’re entitled to, family life just doesn’t happen.

So do I think the answer is for the OP to just disappear 3 days a week to get even? No, maybe he should value his family more and accept that he chose to impregnate her and when you have 2 very small children, a wife clearly struggling with her mental health and possibly needing a bit more love and support, to continue like nothing has happened after impregnating her again and pushing a termination, is cruel.

I would go for the termination OP, because I would also be thinking about how happy you are and whether this relationship is what you need.

I have never understood the drama and madness of having a birthday party for a 1 year old.

Sorry but I'm with the DH. Just have a normal day and maybe have a cake and say happy birthday.

You do not need to use your child for propping up your own social life and being an occasion to show off at.

It's really not a big deal.

When the kid is at peak birthday party age, I'd say differently but age 1?

Fuck no.