AIBU to ask for help re DD who has gone away for weekend when she should have been working

My mum once did this to me for something much more minor, but it worked. Bag up EVERYTHING in her room besides her bedding and a few changes of clothes. Tell her that as she is an adult, the parental bailiffs have been round to settle the debt. Once she’s had to live like that for a week, return the stuff with the stern message that any attempt to pull that kind of stunt again will result in a massive yard sale of her stuff. And make sure she has no access to valuables of yours.

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Any other totally impractical insight?

Have you packed her bags yet?

She has effectively stolen from you. The job in question could only have been done at that particular time, she’s not able to make it up later.
Tell her she’s broken any trust you had with her, and she can be an adult with free will and sort her life out without you picking up the pieces.

Sod all these Gentle Parenting responses.

She was a selfish shit to do this in the first place, and a nasty shit to be so rude and unremorseful.

I’d be telling her I didn’t like her very much right now, and I didn’t want to look at her whilst I was still so angry. That I expect that money paid back.

Then I’d immediately stop paying for/revoke access to car, phone, any nice extras beyond bed and basic board.

Make her realise just what a shit she’s been, and crawl back when she’s ready to apologise and take proper responsibility for her adult life.

It’s how I would treat my 18 year old if he essentially stole from me, which is what OP’s daughter has done.

She seems quite immature. I guess you have to decide whether your free will extends to letting her off or demanding that she repays the money she has taken on a false pretence, within say 7 days or by weekly I installments, and the consequences of not keeping her promise to repay it..

separately from whether the money is repaid., if she feels she is a fully fledged responsible adult ( notwithstanding that she was unable to fulfil a straightforward commitment) she also ought to be paying her way so if she's not already paying towards board and lodgings then she ought to be paying something. I would suggest 50% of local rate room in house share is a fair starting point.

This. Your levers depend on what else you currently pay for, maybe thing around the car?

Cool and calm. If you go postal on her and throw your own tantrum it'll be far too entertaining for her.

£120 sounds like far too much to pay her for an airport lift, unless there are exceptional circumstances. She's not a professional driver and presumably you do her favours often enough. I would expect mine to do it for free TBH if I pay petrol. I spend plenty of weekends driving her to uni etc.

I would go into her room and take her laptop/hair straighteners etc and unless she transfers the money back then sell them.

She's got to have a consequence to this. Fuck around and find out.

No offence intended! 🤐

Tell her that being an adult not only comes with rights but with responsibility.

She had a right to go away. She has a responsibility to pay back the £120.

How she pays it back is up to you.

And ultimately you are also an adult with free will - that free will will make her life harder if she wants to play that game.

That free will can extend to charging rent, not cooking for her, locking food cupboards and fridges containing food you pay for.

If she usually generally good I’d start with that conversation. How nuclear I went after would depend on her reaction.

But the non negotiable is the repayment of the money.

Don't know which irritates me more, that she's let you down and kept the money or “because she’s an adult with free will” rubbish. I think it's the latter because it's very disrespectful, as is turning off her phone.

Yeah, if she has no other job at the moment then yes, sell her things and of course, never pay up front again, if you ever trust her again that is.

A debt needs paying back and I'd be working very hard at parenting her til she becomes less entitled, never too late to hit the message home. She wants to be classed as an adult and didn't behave as one. There is no way I'd have even thought about doing this to my parents/friend/anyone but then I didn't need to be paid to take someone to the airport.

Hmm… I would be incredibly calm and show disappointment. I would say I was surprised at her immaturity. I would not sell her items to cover it, that’s not treating someone as an adult. Instead I would ‘recover’ that money in other ways, the ‘no Christmas present’ to cover it is ideal.
I would also bang on and on about the social contract in the house and be very sure that anything, and I mean ANYTHING going forwards was transactional - no lifts, no money, no favours of any kind unless she did something for me first. I would say that trust has to be earned.

Agreed with pp, paying in advance was not very sensible, but selling her stuff is not treating her like an adult. You actually wouldn't be able do this to any another adult without a court order, so it is really just infantilising her to do that. Also it would be grossly disproportionate because that the cost to her of buying replacement items would almost certainly be multiples of whatever you would raise selling the stuff.
I'd go for changing the wifi password at home, and refusing to fund anything for her that you would normally assist with until the value of that is equal to the money she essentially scammed out of you.

Not everyone lives where there are ubers and a taxi to the airport for my grandmother for example would cost her £200. It's nearly 2 hours away. She does still fly twice a year and family always take her, she insists on paying fuel and buying breakfast.

Well for a kick-off id stop paying her for unfinished jobs.

And shed be getting nothing beyond the roof over her heard she didnt earn until she learns gratitude

Line in the sand time obviously ask for the money back
but from now on she fends for herself and pays her way completely

I don’t think big showdowns will achieve anything

like the old saying she’ll need you before you need her

She’s essentially stolen that money. She’s taken payment for something and then not delivered the goods, and there is no way of delivering it later. I wouldn’t be letting her back in until she had repaid the money she stole.

Horrendous parenting because we aren't raising ignorant thieves? You can be happy for your children to steal and be disrespectful, others aren't.

And if they never accepted that, you just wouldn’t talk to them?

Extrapolating this to adult employee behaviour is absolutely wild.

Oh I don't doubt it, but as somebody who believes there is no such thing as being too early at the airport, the idea of a guaranteed ride from a family member just disappearing at somebody's irresponsible whim has my blood boiling! I need reassurance of at least a partially happy outcome.

It's not just the insurance. It's tyres, battery, exhaust, brakes and every other little thing including replacing the ignition lock barrel that adds up.

Anyway...I guess we agree that
Cars = expensive to insure, tax and maintain;
Cars = need a job to pay for them.

There must be taxis and ubers.