AIBU to ask for help re DD who has gone away for weekend when she should have been working

I'm inclined to believe that this money was not @NCforobviousreasons1 and it was grandparents or someone else the 19 year old was supposed to be driving to the airport. Paying upfront to ensure she had money to put fuel in the car before leaving. My own grandmother does exactly this for the 2 to 3 hour airport drops.

Now OP has had to repay them or provide the transport and will probably have damaged her relationship with them too.

If it was the OP needing transport, she's down more than £120 and her daughter has damaged the relationship.

🤣😂

What guided parenting does an entitled 19 year old adult need? She made an adult choice with her own free will, she gets adult consequences. How do you know this 19 year old hasn't spent the money on drugs anyway?

You tell her that she pays the money back in full by X date or she finds somewhere else to live (freeload).
Why on earth did you pay her in advance?!

Not really - do you honestly think Mum should just let it go? Chalk it down to experience ?

I am so sorry, OP. Your 19y/o daughter has shown you who she is. Believe it.
I would be bitterly disappointed and would find that very hard to cope with.
It would seriously change my attitude towards the (now not so)D D. I'd find it hard to come back from that.
Find myself resonating with the "change locks" responders.
19y/o is v different from 13/14/15y/o, those years when you can, perhaps, expect occurrence of some serious behavioural/moral blunders from your teen. But this is 19. Officially adult. No. Seriously not ok.
Probably best to take the "more in sorrow than in anger" route, but set your boundaries and don't deviate. She's dropped herself in it. So unattractive.

I'm presuming you had to step in op and drive the person to the airport. Your daughter doesn't expect consequences for her actions. Is there a reason for that? I wouldn't go ballistic but I'd take the opportunity to reset your relationship. As someone said upthread is she on drugs or chasing a man? I quite like the idea of changing the WiFi password which will hopefully force her to talk to you. Think about what you want to get out of this. Request the money back and don't pay her for anything ever again.

You think the daughter is acting like an adult? She has stolen from her parents and expects to swan back in to free bed and board

Does she earn OP? Does she pay rent? I think I would write off the money for the moment but take her at her word going forwards and treat her like an ‘adult’. Demand a market rent - if she doesn’t like it, as an ‘adult’ she is welcome to move out. No cooking for her and sharing meals, as an ‘adult’ she can buy her own food and cook it. No doing her washing. If she doesn’t like any of this, she is welcome to pay back the £120 she stole (yes I’d use those words, it’s the truth) as a first step for me to be willing to have a conversation about expectations. If she refused to pay rent, I’d take her key / change the locks. I’d not throw her out, but the inconvenience of making sure someone will be there to let her in will grate. But if she doesn’t pay rent, as an ‘adult’, she is a guest. Guests don’t get keys.

Just have a normal chat with her when she gets back. Don't sell her stuff or escalate it. Does she have a job? If so, you just discuss a payment plan. If not, you said she was nearly 19 years old so that can be her birthday present then. If you overreact it will get her back up and she won't feel bad and she won't see her mistake.

Entitled = an example being that she’ll agree to something but then if a better offer comes along complains that she’s being taken advantage of as opposed to realising that’s life! Have you and her DF taught her that that’s life? Or have you tried to facilitate her to do what she wants? Have you both taught her what being an adult includes?

This is out of character but she’s started getting more “I’m an adult now” so as a pp mentioned, my view is to go down the adult responsibilities route or sell some of her items of my choosing to repay it I have no idea about the legalities of it, but if she’s an adult, I’m reasonably sure you can’t just steal her things and sell them without her permission, irrespective of how much she owes you, whether you bought them for her, or whether she lives under your roof. That’s taking it from a civil dispute into criminality if she decides to make her point as dramatically as you. My advice would be to wait until she comes home and tell her that you consider she’s stolen from you and she’s lost your trust and your respect. Tell her that she will be repaying it. In the meantime, if she wants to be treated like an adult then she needs to understand that meals/wifi access/laundry/phone/share of utilities doesn’t come free, so will she be earning them by doing chores or getting a job and paying for them herself?

If you know she is bad with money and entitled, it seems a risk to pay her before she does anything.

if you behaved like this at work and your employer confiscated your belongings - they'd be liable to legal action. It would be a warning or possible sack, OP can't sack her daughter, though she could give her a final written warning - but withdrawing and not doing the chores would probably get the message over loud and clear

Did you, perchance, pay for her driving lessons and contribute towards her car or the cost of running the car. I would stop paying for that until you've recouped your cost and then add an inconvenience tax. Christmas is too far away to have any impact as it seems she does'nt think ahead.
Is she still living at home. I'd stop doing anything extra there for her for a while.

£120 is a massive amount for a delivery to an airport.... How far away is the airport and how did the person get there in the end. Have you had to pay twice.

She's very bratty and ungrateful to pull out of the deal at the last minute. Turning her phone off is just plain rude.

I wouldn't do a massive amount of bad tempered nagging but she would be seeing some consequences in terms of withdrawn favours... in a you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours sort of way.

I wouldn’t be paying her for anything else and my trust would go massively. Is she working? If she is then she can pay you back.

Avoidance with no guided parenting? That’s one way to put them on the road to smack and heroin.

My preference would be to go silent on her. She will want things to go back to normal as soon as she returns. You need to ensure they do not - actions have consequences.

If you give her an allowance/pocket money, this needs to stop until she's paid you back. If you allow her to drive your car, you need to retrieve the key. Wifi password change as suggested as well.

If she's on your Netflix plan, take her off. She can always resubscribe in her own name - she is an adult with free will, after all.

Tell her she has three months to find a job as from that date she can only live with you if she pays rent?

Well! It would be interesting to hear how she justifies that theft, abandonment, deliberate wrecking of your trust

She has a brass neck and you are going to have a hard time getting her to acknowledge the damage she has done to your relationship

I'd tell her, bluntly. She has just shouted "you are gullible fucking idiots" at you and her dad. That's how many hours of your salary she has pissed up against a wall, stolen? A month's electric? Petrol? Etc etc

You can't ground her and shouting won't work. But one of those family intervention, come to Jesus, formal talks around the table would let her know just how disappointed you are. Maybe she can imagine a way to pay you back and win back your trust... because you are out of ideas

Wifi code is changed and is not given back until all of the 120 is paid back. I take it as she's an adult she pays rent. If not she starts now. If she pays rent you sell of her items until the 120 is paid back

If she wants to be an adult with free will, then let her live the dream. Tell her to find somewhere to live. Teach her a lesson 🙄

I mean, she’s only posted twice. And then it’s been mentioned one hundred times at least.

OP told us what the job was. You should at least read her posts before making your own.

BTW, she was supposed to be driving someone to the airport. I just hope those people got there and on time.

People are more likely just making jest, especially not knowing the job the daughter was paid to do, which is quite important to make a judgement.

I have a daughter that age and cannot fathom her doing such a thing.
Probably because she knows better and i am not to be messed with.
Who's car is it?
Who pays for it?

If it was mine the keys would be removed first off.
She can't have faced any consequences to do such a thing, so she really needs them now.

No way this is a one off, first off act of responsibility?
Turning off her phone is such profound disrespect of you.