AIBU to lock the bathroom door despite my husband's objection?

I left my monster two years ago. He used to moan if I locked the bathroom door because the 'kids needed me' - invariably they opened the door as toddlers and infants do and the whole house supervised me toilet and shower. I was so conditioned through all of his controls that I wasnt even human. I had no needs or rights. I had cPTSD, fibro, FND and a host of degenerative diagnoses. After I left, and had counselling, the symptoms relating to the cPTSD, fibro and FND almost disappeared. The body does hold the score.

Deep down you know this is abuse.

You are validated on this forum. Womans Aid are wonderful.

You will feel so much better when this animal is not in your space. Take care.

Why does he think toilets around the world have locks.

Hes abusive

He’s controlling and abusive. He has no right to lay down the law and scream at you when you don’t obey him. He is not entitled to sex whenever he wants it.

Is your PTSD related to past abuse? It’s very common for people who come from abusive families or have been in abusive relationships to enter into further abusive relationships. Past abuse makes you vulnerable twice over: you find it more difficult to spot the signs of abuse, and abusers can spot that you are vulnerable and take advantage.

He apparently wants the doors gone. Sorry OP I missed that you did say he'd get angry with you if you didn't do what he says. It's abuse that has to end, and nothing excuses it. OP can you speak to friends or family about this, maybe stay with someone else?

I wouldn't be able to live like this, much less with PTSD.

Coercive control.
OP if you have not heard of coercive control, please research on the Internet. It appears from what you have described that your husband is asserting control through coercion over your most basic bodily functions - urinating, excreting, washing and sex. That anyone would want this level of control over another person is alarming. Only as very small children do parents involve themselves in our excretion, urination and washing. At a certain stage, even small children want privacy while performing their ablutions.

As for the sex story, what can one say? I think you know that it's absurd. He can always go into the bathroom - leaving the door unlocked of course - and help himself.

For whatever reasons, perhaps insecurity or paranoia or maybe something happened to him as a child while locked in a bathroom, whatever... your husband wants to minutely control those moments when you are most vulnerable and most entitled to privacy. I think you know this is untenable as well as unbearable.

Are you able to assert yourself without fear? If so, now is the time to do it. Tell your husband you will continue to lock the bathroom door as that is what you prefer to do. Incidentally, IMO, it's especially important to do so while showering in a house where you are the only person for safety reasons. Couples counselling could be in order if you both believe it could help.

If you are afraid to assert yourself with your husband, afraid to clearly state your needs to him, then you probably need to seek help now.

Please make plans to leave

I cannot - LITERALLY CANNOT- believe how abusive this is. Controlling, manipulative, absolutely fuckin ghastly. Leaving this man is the only correct course of action.
you have one life. Don’t spend it like this

You are focusing on the wrong thing, he is abusive to you and this isn't about toilets at all.

I mean, I've thought it so many times but have never committed to replying but the sheer level of insane petty control just pushed me over this time!

Stay safe OP x

@gimmeshelta - hotel en-suites and just about every dwelling up and down the country have lockable bathroom doors. This implies that it's perfectly normal to lock the door for privacy when using the loo / shower etc while the other half is elsewhere in the house.

Is your "D"H going to change.org and suggest a new law to remove the lock from tens of millions bathroom doors?! I'd love him to read this post and see what his deranged mind makes of this.

I’ve given more than a few LTB’s on here. What is wrong with these men?!

You don't have to live like this.

We only lock it if we’re going to be on the loo for a while - to spare the other one. But I know I can shut or lock the door whenever I want without any comments being made. It is not acceptable, OP, for a spouse to try to prevent you having basic privacy and dignity.

DH knows if I’ve shut the bedroom door he needs to be careful opening it when we have guests - after once opening it wide when I was half dressed and FIL was on the landing.

If you don’t want to leave him, you need to make it very clear to him that it is not acceptable for him to deny you privacy. He does not have the right to see you naked or on the toilet.

Your husband is a controlling arsehole. You have every right as a grown adult to the lock the bathroom door, whilst you shower or are on the toilet. Your husband shouldn't have a say. Unless he's concerned for your mental state, and that you may harm yourself, then this 'tantrum' is nothing more than him wanting control over you.

He can't give you any plausible explanation regarding why you keeping the bathroom door locked is such an issue for him. Therefore without a reasonable and logical explanation, we must assume it's because he wants power and control over you.

If your husband is asking you to keep the bathroom door unlocked, and you don't want to, then you need to tell him bluntly, it's not happening. Don't agree to something that you don't want to do, for the sake of keeping the peace.

Your husband isn't owed sex, just because you're married. He fell asleep and you were tired. Was he expecting you to wake him up?! Sex makes zero difference to his performance on the football pitch. He fell asleep, but somehow that's your fault!

I suspect no matter what you do, it won't be right or good enough. Your husband likes to criticise you, to keep your self-esteem low.

He's a fucking asshole.

He's an abusive fuck, sorry.

So many red flags in your posts OP but this one is the worst for me. In a healthy relationship Your partner would support you if were self harming, they might not understand it and they might not know the best way to help you but they would try. They don’t just leave you struggling.. they don’t threaten leaving you to prevent it.

your life will be better without this man OP.

I’ve been with my husband for 20 years now.
either of us lock or don’t lock the bathroom doors as we see fit. Nobody cares. Everyone is entitled to privacy married or not. Your husband is being a dick.

1. Does he lock the bathroom door?

2. Would he be chill with you coming in to change the hand towel for a fresh one while he is doing a poo?

I lock the door and I’ve been with nice reasonable bloke since 1992. LTB.

@gimmeshelta like all abuse, this is about control.

I'm certain this is not the only area of your life he controls you. Maybe this one is just more obvious to you right now.

It will only get worse. However hard this feels, you need to leave.

Also, I imagine he is a bit part of your PTSD...

Get rid. Hes abusive

Another one in the “that’s abuse” camp. He’s completely unhinged, entitled and frankly rather pathetic. People with a lot more experience than me have given you good advice. Please follow it - you deserve better than this. I think you’ll find your MH improves no end when you’re free of this man. You can do this. Sending huge hugs. Please pack a bag when he’s at football and then correspond with him only via lawyers from that day on. Stay safe OP.

Please leave. So many issues here. Your MH will improve when he is no longer in your life.

Please get help to leave this awful relationship. Do not tell him before you do it as you may put yourself in danger. He is already controlling and sexually abusing you, he is probably capable of much worse. Stay safe.

I’ve lost count of the number of posts about abusive husbands I’ve seen on here this week, it’s heartbreaking 💔 of course you’re not being unreasonable OP, but I think you already know that.