AIBU to lock the bathroom door despite my husband's objection?

Withholding medication or in his case trying to persuade you not to take it is also an act of Domestic Abuse. He wants you broken and vulnerable. Please speak to Women's Aid

Your last post was heartbreaking. Yoir husbands abuse has been normalised for you. I hope you can find the strength to leave on day x

LTB He is a control freak and an abuser. Stay safe

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What a lovely, kind and wise post

Oh mate! I can 100% guarantee you that your PTSD would be a whole lot better if you left this controlling abusive arsehole. More red flags than a communist parade

wtf? Why does he think he can dictate things like this to you. I don't care how long I've been married I don't want an audience when I'm taking a shit 😳

Tell fuck off

OP, I'm sorry. Really sorry.

This thread will be a hard read for you. Some of the repeated comments to LTB may feel overwhelming, or even like haranguing at this point. But having RTFT I think these comments come from a genuinely good place and a desire to help you see that what you're experiencing really is abuse.

When people are in those situations for some time, the abuse starts to feel 'normal'. The clear eyes of dispassionate bystanders might be able to see what you, whilst mired in the current relationship, might not. But it's a hard thing to look at your own life and recognise yourself as a victim. That 'scales falling from the eyes' moment is one of the most painful there is. To then go from this to 'LTB' immediately is an enormous undertaking, and one, I think, that some people underestimate.

You've already done the brave thing by posting here. Try to start by talking to people: Women's Aid are already recommended but they can be difficult to contact, so persevere, and know that people are on your side with this. There are always some who will be frustrated at those who don't respond by taking the advice to 'LTB' immediately. Some of us know it isn't that simple. But MN is wonderful at helping women to recognise their own abuse, and to begin to work to extract themselves from it.

Process this in your own time. You don't owe MN an explanation - and this is true even though people have taken time out of their day to help you. They have volunteered that time - and people shouldn't volunteer what they expect to get back. You don't owe us anything in return.

In the meantime, please do take care. And if writing down the whole picture helps you to see it more clearly, please do it, and ignore the dictatorial comments telling you not to. That is what this site is for - to help people.

You've been dealt some awful cards here: please take care of yourself. 💐

Why does he get to tell you what to do? Fuck that, if I didn't leave a man like that, I'd end up a widow.

It is awful. And he acts like this even knowing you have PTSD.

He’s scum.

Can you make plans to leave?

Have you spoken to the psychologist about the issues with your husband?

He may not have been physically violent to you yet but it is only a matter of time. The man is unregulated, aggressive and abusive. You need to make plans to leave, but be very, very careful. If he gets this angry at you locking the bathroom door, any hint that you might leave could be very dangerous for you.

I’m so sorry OP, this is awful for you.
There have been quite a few posters over the years who have had abusive partners who have done exactly the same things yours is doing to you. Like, not being allowed to lock the bathroom door and forcing sleep deprivation.
It’s like these vile abusers have a handbook they follow,
I will also say that many of these women have successfully managed to escape the relationship.
I hope you can get help to get out.
Womens aid would be a good start.

OP you have PTSD and you are married to a man that tells you that you are not proactive in dealing with it, while he screams at you, refuses to let you shut the bathroom door and has form for throwing things at windows and breaking them.

You say he doesn’t assault you, he does not have to, he has you cowed enough to think you could be. You are curtailing yourself so you don’t upset and anger him, while he gaslights you over not dealing with PTSD to his satisfaction.

This won’t get better, he doesn’t want you better, he wants you to accept he is the boss and he decides every aspect of your life.

He believes he has the right to control you, that does not get better, it just continues.

My dad was like that, everything was fine until you said “no” to him. Then the real version came out and it was horrendous. However oddly enough he could control himself in public, I bet your husband is the same. It’s a choice.

Get your finances in order, organise an appt with a lawyer, contact women’s aid, tell him nothing, don’t act differently in front of him and get out.

Your PTSD will be far easier to deal with in a calm, safe home. Please don’t accept this any longer.

When I was in your situation 10 years ago, someone on Mumsnet spelled it out in caps for me. And here I’m doing the same for you, so it goes in:

YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

“Abuse” doesn’t mean hitting you; it means cycles of behaviour that control and harm, and that also includes periods of “good” times.

There is no logic to his behaviour, there never will be. You can’t reason with it or ever say anything adequate to “defend” yourself or appease him.

You have to get out, and this community will help you.

I wrote a book about red flags and abuse cycles, you can pm me if you want.

Just read your update OP. Well done for starting this thread, I really hope it helps you.

Would you like to tell us any other anecdotes of things that have happened, or general patterns? Tell us about what a good day is like and what a bad day is like

Any one of those examples is enough of a reason to leave him. Denying you are ill - yes leave, throwing and breaking things, yes absolutely leave, controlling you seeing your friends - yes, saying you can't lock the bathroom door - yes. Or just because - You don't need to give him or anyone a reason you can leave just because you want to. Or just because he is an abusive vile person. You are in an abusive relationship and would be better off without him in your life.

This is going to escalate, OP. You need to be safe.
Please get out of there as soon as you can. And don't go back.

Hi op this is so much more than the toilet issue he is running and ruining your life. I’m not surprised you are with friends over the weekend why would you want to be in his company. Do your friends know that he is abusing you. Does he ever threaten you if you consider leaving. Honestly you need help now like others said he’s triggering you he’s making your ptsd worse I hope you don’t have kids with him. How old are you? Do you still have your family around.

Yet.

He's not been violent to you yet.

He will be. This will escalate. He will tighten the leash more until you can't see your friends at all. Throwing a pan will become throwing a pan at you. Expecting sex will become rape - if it hasn't already. This is the pattern.

Please tell your psychologist. Please tell the police - this is illegal.

You deserve better.

You won’t be able to heal from PTSD when he keeps triggering it. Do your psychiatrist and psychologist know that you live in an abusive relationship?

OP, have a read through this womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

No, she clarified she was a woman.

Ignore posters who get annoyed. Keep posting here for as long as it continues to be helpful to you.

I think you know deep down that he is abusing you. He is incredibly controlling and saying you must do something purely because he has told you to has to be the epitome of controlling. And although, thankfully, he doesn’t hurt you physically throwing a pan through a window is really violent.

If you still see your psychiatrist, please talk to them about this and get help to remove this man from your life before he does you any more damage

OP, written down shines a focussed light on the fact that it IS awful.

The fact that he EVER does these things is what creates the control. It is coercive control.

I am glad you have the support of a psychologist. It is really important that you disclose what is happening in your home environment. They cannot meaningfully help you if they are not aware of this.

I uunderstand that it is hard to voice these things - just remember, it will be a long way from the first time a psychologist has heard this, and you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.