Should we still be paying for adult DSS?

I completed my first year of uni before I turned 19. In Scotland we leave school at 17/18.

In your OP you say he’s nearly 19. Most people who’ve done the first year of university turn 19 during that year; was it a typo or is he ahead of his chronological age group, so a young second-year student?

On the face of it, you’re right to question why your DH is paying this money still to his ex, but is there more to it? And maybe 18 is still young enough to warrant the support. Less so for the ex.

He's 18. You'd absolutely still be supporting him if he was your son, of course his father should still be.

How would you feel if this was your biological son? I’m not being funny, it’s a genuine question. What would you do if he wasn’t your stepson?

Then it seems like this conversation has already been had and you agree to leave things as they are, so I’m not sure why you’re asking? Personally I think it’s ridiculous to be sending that amount of money in general. And defo not straight to the mum. Financial obligations to her ended when your DSS turned 18. I would say still support his son if you wish, but baffled as to why you send his mum £1000. When is that going to end? When he moves out? You’re essentially just funding her lifestyle and with a grown up child, she is capable of doing that herself. She has just became accustomed to what she has with that extra money. But most people don’t get that just for having a child. She can work full time. She just doesn’t want to.
You’re also not really teaching any sort of work ethic to your DSS if he thinks he can get free money by staying at home. He needs to sort out uni or go get a job.

Maybe not. But it’s not her ex’s responsibility to plug the gap.

Child maintenance stops once they start advanced education, due to them being able to apply for a student loan. I think you need to look into the full facts before challenging your payments as you may be supplementing the ex's income for no reason.

What is the reason he didn’t settle at Uni? You have left out so much. There has to be some reason for it.

In general, yes I think his dad is still financially responsible for him and should take an interest into helping him become financially independent or returning to Uni same or transfer.

I agree the funds should be going directly to him and not his mum.

"Not sure uni is for him" - has he actually dropped out or been kicked out? If so he can claim UC and start looking for work. If he's continuing to think about it and might go back this month maybe hang fire. Has he thought about ADHD at all?

It's not entirely clear but I presume you are giving the money to his mum? I would definitely stop that and start supporting the son directly with an agreed amount based upon what his plans are re uni etc.
Edited to add, if he's not at uni, I wouldn't be giving him anything.

I’d support him only if he was at uni.

So you’re maintaining an ex whilst DS is away at Uni? That’s bizarre.
Maintenance should go directly to the adult child post 18. So paying for accommodation at Uni or topping up his student loans is fine but not to supplement ExW’s lifestyle when he’s not with her for 9 months of the year.

What does your husband want to do?

His father needs to have a calm, non-judgemental talk with him - or several conversations, about what your DSS wants to do. Keep money out of it at first, but your DSS needs to understand that if he's not at university, he needs to get a job or a different sort of training.

Sometimes young people are on an educational treadmill and feel they have to go to university as a matter of course. It's not for everybody, and there are very good alternatives & other opportunities to learn through working.

But he needs to be brought gently to this and not holding money over him at the start. You can shift from gentle to firm, once communication is opened.

Doesn't sound like his mother is a particularly good role model however, which is a problem.

We are only paying DS's rent. He lives off his minimum maintenance loan and hopefully a job.
If he is in FT education i think it's a parental responsibility to support then, but if he drops out then he needs to get a job or an apprenticeship.

Your post doesn't make it clear if he is still at university or not?

I think your husband needs to have a chat with his ex and their kid about kids future. If he's dropped out then he needs to work or go on UC and the ex will have to cut her cloth. But either or,.it's between them.

We don’t have additional details to say she can work FT. People work PT for all kinds of reasons - they’re disabled, sick, a carer etc.

Was the 1k a month to support him while at uni but now he’s considering dropping out so you’re wanting to stop giving him the money? I’m pretty sure legally there’s no obligation anymore so you’re free to do this. It’s up to your partner though ultimately, his child after all.

If he still needs support then he still needs support and it would be a shit father that refused to provide it, especially on the say so of a step mother.
Why should his mother be left supporting him alone? He has two parents and your kids don’t stop being important or needing help as soon as they turn 18/19.

I take it @toottootbeepbeeep that the £1k is going straight to his mum, ie, was a child support arrangement?

Your DH doesn’t need to continue to fund his ex. She can get a full time job.

He should consider what direct support he wants to carry on giving his son.

If he's still at uni, then it's reasonable to top him up to the maximum loan, if necessary. If he's dropped out, he should get a job and sign on for UC while he is looking for work.

£1000 per month or per year? I think a chat with your DH about his plans is needed first. I would be more inclined to offer some financial support if he was also working to support himself. Money should go direct to him, not his mother, or possibly into a savings account.